is your guy a wimp?

[i3lack]

this is how i am with my girlfriend i let her choose and do things until i dont like them then i say something or take control for that moment i dont want to be in control because i love my girlfriend soo much and i dont want to sound controling or something so yea..

[Zuzu2]

I sort of felt like the leader in my last relationship and it was part of why I had to break up with him. I just don't like to be the dominant one. I think if that's just the way he is you have to either accept it or move on.

[Krystal_Ivy]

I sort of felt like the leader in my last relationship and it was part of why I had to break up with him. I just don't like to be the dominant one. I think if that's just the way he is you have to either accept it or move on.

exactly! I don't think the female should be the dominant one.

[Krystal_Ivy]

this is how i am with my girlfriend i let her choose and do things until i dont like them then i say something or take control for that moment i dont want to be in control because i love my girlfriend soo much and i dont want to sound controling or something so yea..

you sound like my guy. He says he goes with the flow, because he doesn;t wanna sound controlling and he just wants to make me happy so he lets me decide things.

[Batya33]

Why not tell him that him behaving that way does not make you happy - you want a partner, not a puppy dog/doormat and it makes you happy for him to be assertive, give you his input, be proactive and take initiative. His approach is much easier on him - but he's mistaken about thinking it makes you happy. Not sure why anyone would assume that passivity would make the other person happy.

[StretchGee]

Krystal,

If you keep doing everything for your guy, why should he bother? Some guys are OK with stepping aside and "don't sweat the small stuff". If the woman wants to do all the leg work, and it would be a confrontation to "take control", why bother.

 

My wife is rather dominant in this way. And I don't really care. Let her deal with the BS while I sit back and relax. If it is something I want like travel plans, activites, resturants, etc., I'll set it up. Better yet, I'll make her think she wants the same and let her handle it.

 

If you don't want to be in control, don't take control. If the outcome doesn;t suit you and you 'jump in', you are controlling.

[ghost69]

i guess i have both. i let my girl do what she wants. want to go out with friends? cool. want to stay home alone? cool. but when we hang out, if i don't want to do something i tell her. she likes that i'm so outspoken. i tell her what to cook too. lol. but she offers to cook, so my opinion is just. i'm a strong willed guy, you don't like it, too bad.

 

but your fiancee didn't just become your fiancee out of nowhere. you've had to know he was like this from the beginning. maybe he's one of those silent tough guys. you are being controlled, he's just so good you don't know it. lol

[15 Storeys High]

A lot of blokes just don't care about the same things as girls and don't see the point in getting all worked up. I don't care where we shop, where we eat, where we drink, what we eat blah blah blah. None of that stuff is important to me so I would just go with whatever she wanted. Make her happy, you're happy and you have a happy time. Generally girls are fussier than guys.

 

With arguments....again, girls just want to have one sometimes and no amount of reason or explanation will conquer their womanly rage so we guys just sit there and wait it out.

 

Another thing, I take control of manic situations at work everyday. I make decisions about other people's lives in split seconds and I have to concentrate hard. At home, it's nice sometimes to have someone else do that for you. It's relaxing.

[Miss Firecracker]

Not that mine is a WIMP. But....he is very gentle, easygoing and kinda lets me always get my way. I have a strong personality and have been called bossy in the past. My fiance' is veeery sweet, and non-confrontational. I don't wanna be the boss of the relationship/marriage. But I find myself often natually taking that role on. I wanna feel that HE is the man in the realtionship. Not me! How can he step up if he just has that gentle nature, and how can I step down if I have a domineering nature?

 

(and yes, we've spoken about it to each other, he agrees)

 

I am not going to say anything after this, Krystal_Ivy. But this is another sign that you are headed for trouble. This man is destined to be a doormat. This couple I was telling you about, they are living in a nightmare. He is still the sweet one, letting his wife get her way. She can't stand for him to touch her. He repulses her. And everything you are saying about him is exactly the same things she said about her husband. It's years later, and they are stuck in the same place.

[JadedStar]

Miss F i have seen the same type of couples.

 

And this thread reinforces what I said on your other thread Krystal in that it doesn't sound like your relationship has balance as much as it is one sided in you calling the shots. You even admitted you couldn't see yourself with a strong man as you are too headstrong. I think part of why you pull away from your fiancee is because you don't respect him. I know you will flip out and say I am wrong but women never really respect a man who lets her get away with anything and call all the shots.

 

A woman respects the man who demands respect back. Headstrong women almsot always do better in relationships with men who will not allow themselves to be walked on.

[Fox1198]

My boyfriend is the same way

 

When we get into arguments ..he just sits there ..I feel like im talking to a wall

 

And he hates confrontation ..I wish sometimes he would just yell at me !! haha so i know that he cares and that it bothers him as much as it does me ..ya know ..i need some action sometimes !!

Guys can never win arguments nor fights with girls. When they win, they lose, when they lose, they still lose. Last thing a guy wants is to escalate an argument into a shouting match, then possibly a physical confrontation. If that ever happens and the girl cries wolf, who you think the neighbors/friends/family is gonna believe?

 

I do this when an ex of mine would go nuts. I turn into a virtual Ghandi.

 

It's better the discuss calmly. More productive that way.

[Fox1198]

this is how i am with my girlfriend i let her choose and do things until i dont like them then i say something or take control for that moment i dont want to be in control because i love my girlfriend soo much and i dont want to sound controling or something so yea..

 

Exactly. It's called "being a gentleman". Why do you think guys open door for girls? What, that's womanly too? After all, he's being submissive to you by opening the door, then letting you go first, isn't he?

 

LOL

[Batya33]

When a man yells at me or raises his voice I know he has lost control. And that is a huge turn off and potentially a dealbreaker. I want a confident man - not one who has to raise his voice because he's so insecure that he doesn't think I'd take him seriously unless he did.

[studbaker99]

I'm the laid back chill guy. For some reason the women in my life have always been the strong willed ones. (harks back to my parents' relationship, where my mom is the dominant one...) So it's easy for me to relax sit back and let my gf take care of things (mostly the social aspects) - to some extent i like that, but to another, I don't. I can recognize in myself that I can be too passive.

 

The question is, is the man being passive, non confrontational out of a honest-to-goodness relaxed attitude, or there is a bit of a character flaw that drives it, like being a pushover? I was the chill go with the flow guy so much one of my exs finally called me a pushover. These days I'm slowly changing and accepting that "hey, if I say no to something, its okay". Interestingly enough, with this and other self empowering attitudes, I've found my gf is a lot more affectionate than before, compared to in some periods in our history where I'd feel like the relationship was a lot more unbalanced. I like being a man more now than ever before.

[StretchGee]

The question is, is the man being passive, non confrontational out of a honest-to-goodness relaxed attitude, or there is a bit of a character flaw that drives it, like being a pushover?

 

If it is an honest-to-goodness relaxed attitude, that is OK as it is simply your nature. Letting your woman deal with stuff is fine if it suits you although it is schlepping off work onto your mate. In effect, this is good relationship management as you delegate some control and responsibility to you gf - she feels empowered, you don't have to 'sweat the small stuff' - it is a win-win.

 

If you are particularly laid back, you need to be aware of your gf's perception of this. Laid back could also mean lazy, wimpy or a pushover and you need to be careful to make it clear that you choose not to take control as a form of being in control. A fine distinction but an important one.

 

If you are tolerating things because you do not speak up and assert yourself, it is passive-aggressive behavior and that is a character flaw.

[whitebird]

If your man doesn't talk or step up when it's needed you need to find someone else. Believe me it seems all cute and stuff for awhile and then you realize the man cannot think for himself and when he needs to make a tough call he cannot do it. It's not worth it.