is your guy a wimp?

[Krystal_Ivy]

Not that mine is a WIMP. But....he is very gentle, easygoing and kinda lets me always get my way. I have a strong personality and have been called bossy in the past. My fiance' is veeery sweet, and non-confrontational. I don't wanna be the boss of the relationship/marriage. But I find myself often natually taking that role on. I wanna feel that HE is the man in the realtionship. Not me! How can he step up if he just has that gentle nature, and how can I step down if I have a domineering nature?

 

(and yes, we've spoken about it to each other, he agrees)

[someguy88]

Are you serious? I think you should take the guy as he is or find someone else. You can't force change on someone, especially when it comes to their very nature.

[annie24]

maybe you should work on toning down your bossiness. you can't really change his personality. make sure to ask him where he wants to go eat or what movie he wants to see. don't make the decision every time. things like that....

[Shiranai]

His personality is as fault as much as your personality is.

 

I'm also the more dominant person in my relationship, but my boyfriend also has a dominant personality. I just happened to have a more dominant personality and am more used to giving out directions, orders, and guidelines.

 

Does that make him a wuss? No.

 

If I want him to take charge, I'd tell him that. I want you to take charge, and he will.

[crystalpistel11]

My boyfriend is the same way

 

When we get into arguments ..he just sits there ..I feel like im talking to a wall

 

And he hates confrontation ..I wish sometimes he would just yell at me !! haha so i know that he cares and that it bothers him as much as it does me ..ya know ..i need some action sometimes !!

[Atticus90]

Well, i'm a guy and I know i'm not the wuss of the relationship.

 

When crystal says the guy just sits there when he's being confronted with a problem, I would do the same. When my gf does that to me. No sense in yelling because the girl would NEVER admit she is wrong.

 

For the guys sake, in some situations, it's better to just let it all go by.

 

Not to the OP, balance out your bossyness.

That's what I do. Balance out my gentle nature and my anger the girl can feel the "oh he's a man" and i can be gentle at the same time.

 

If that makes any sense to you lol

[crystalpistel11]

Well see i do admit when im wrong ..thats one thing im good at

 

But Like when we talk ..he doesnt say anything ..and that annoys me ..I mean atleast telling me how you feel would be nice !

[Krystal_Ivy]

Well see i do admit when im wrong ..thats one thing im good at

 

But Like when we talk ..he doesnt say anything ..and that annoys me ..I mean atleast telling me how you feel would be nice !

sounds like mine...maybe were with the same guy! lol

[Entropy Smith]

You girls should come to New York. We've got confrontational guys by the thousands (except Manhattan, and tragically much of Brooklyn now.)

 

It takes awhile to become a man and be comfortable standing up for yoursel and expressing how you feel.

[JadedStar]

If you don't want to be the boss, tone down the bossiness.

[Dako]

Order him to stand up and take charge of the relationship.

 

Seriously, this matter of control is a vexation for any relationship.

If you need to be in charge, why change? He may be fine with catering to you, and pressuring him to change might be the end of things.

[Batya33]

My boyfriend didn't always know how to take charge (other than in his career - that came and comes naturally to him)- I have known him for mnay years but dated him only for a few years. Now he does. However, yes, his nature is gentler than mine is. I deal with that by working on myself - ceding control, leaving the decisions to him, reinforcing positively when he takes charge (whether with me or otherwise).

 

We had one specific talk about restaurants. I am the type who, if we go to a very popular restaurant that does not take reservations, I will make sure as soon as we get there to make a bee line for the hostess (without knocking anyone down too hard, lol) and make sure we get our names down and try to find out how long the wait will be. I will see who seems to be walking towards the restaurant on the street and will speed up (without actually cutting them off) to get ahead in the line.

 

He won't do that - I asked him why and he said it's because he doesn't really care if we go to that particular restaurant enough to do that strategizing and rushing. So, point is, sometimes it may not have to do with "take charge" but priorities.

 

The good thing is that I've calmed down/mellowed out because of him - he also makes suggestions to me about my behavior - noting when I seem overly stressed about something that is inconsequentlal or not serious, etc.

 

To the OP - it sounds like his gentle nature worked well for you as far as him being pliable and flexible about proposing to you (obviously he loves you but my guess is that he wasn't Type A about the timing, the plans, etc) and about wedding planning. But, it's a package deal.

[sti_2004]

he could 'let' you be the boss because it floats your boat. (doing it outta love). i like to sit back and chill until i really need to sort things out.

 

buy a whip and whip him. see what he sez.

[Krystal_Ivy]

that's a good example. You sound alot like me. he won't make decisions. He'll not plan anything for the weekend. So when it comes to thursday and friday I'm thinking of all these things I wanna do, and we'll do em. He just goes with the flow. Also, like if we g somewhere to handle business, I notice I'll be the one who says "hello, yes, we'd like to see your brouchures for this and that" and he'll just stand there.

[Batya33]

Nope - my bf is not like that in the least - he just doesn't see the point of rushing to wait on line at a particular restaurant - so my point is what you see as not taking charge may simply be that he has different priorities than you. He may hate brochures unless they are essential because they end up coming home with him and increasing clutter - or for another reason. Or he may sense pressure from you to take charge and he rebels.

 

My bf does take charge - he wants very much to be "the man" (and not just in public, lol). He makes a little more than half of our social plans, loves making our travel plans down to the last detail, etc. But in general his nature is gentler than mine - type B to my type A. And, as I mentioned he takes charge more than he did when I knew him 10-12 years ago when he was in his 20s. It can be that I take charge in certain situations more than he does. My problem with men who don't take charge in general is that I'm simply not attracted to them but otherwise have no issue being friends with them.

[Krystal_Ivy]

that brochure thing was just an example. What really did happen though was we went to meet with the caterer and I was the one saying "Hi, were here to meet with so and so, we have an appointment at 3:00" and it's always me doing these things. I feel like such the guy.

[annie24]

so taking initiative is a "male" quality and being quiet and being in the background is a "female" quality?

[Batya33]

that brochure thing was just an example. What really did happen though was we went to meet with the caterer and I was the one saying "Hi, were here to meet with so and so, we have an appointment at 3:00" and it's always me doing these things. I feel like such the guy.

 

My suggestion - stop doing that. Just stand there and feel the awkwardness - the worst thing that will happen is you two will stand there silently until he decides he should inform people that you are there for an appointment or he won't, and if you miss the appointment it's not the end of the world.

 

How is he in his career - does he take charge/take initiative there?

 

also remember that this was a quality you liked - were excited about- when you met him - how flexible and easygoing he was and how he lived just to accommodate you.

[Dako]

If you're bossy, he may step aside to keep from irritating you, especially if you're critical of how he does things.

[JadedStar]

We had one specific talk about restaurants. I am the type who, if we go to a very popular restaurant that does not take reservations, I will make sure as soon as we get there to make a bee line for the hostess (without knocking anyone down too hard, lol) and make sure we get our names down and try to find out how long the wait will be. I will see who seems to be walking towards the restaurant on the street and will speed up (without actually cutting them off) to get ahead in the line.

 

He won't do that - I asked him why and he said it's because he doesn't really care if we go to that particular restaurant enough to do that strategizing and rushing. So, point is, sometimes it may not have to do with "take charge" but priorities.

 

The good thing is that I've calmed down/mellowed out because of him - he also makes suggestions to me about my behavior - noting when I seem overly stressed about something that is inconsequentlal or not serious, etc.

 

HAHA oh i can relate to your restaraunt example! that is me and my guy to a tee! He is so laidback he doesn't care if we have to wait longer, i on the other hand have a need to "make good time". LOL

 

Like you guys he has mellowed me out a little too. Tho he is definitely an alpha male. He has a pretty good sensitive side but he is take charge in emergencies. I am very ineffective in high stress situations because I am pretty high strung. It is harder for a highstrung person to calm down enough in a high crisis situation to really think prudently about the best next steps. Our mix of personalities blends very well. He is the analyst and i am the linguistic innovator. LOL

 

If two people for the most part get along well and the relationship is good it is best to make the most of each others strengths vs working against them.

[Krystal_Ivy]

My suggestion - stop doing that. Just stand there and feel the awkwardness - the worst thing that will happen is you two will stand there silently until he decides he should inform people that you are there for an appointment or he won't, and if you miss the appointment it's not the end of the world.

 

How is he in his career - does he take charge/take initiative there?

 

also remember that this was a quality you liked - were excited about- when you met him - how flexible and easygoing he was and how he lived just to accommodate you.

he's working full time and going to school full time, so yeah, he's gotten better in that area.

[Krystal_Ivy]

so taking initiative is a "male" quality and being quiet and being in the background is a "female" quality?

so you don't get what everyone is talking about? I don't know about you but I don't wanna be the one always wearing the pants in the relationship.

[Batya33]

What Annie24 meant is that your preference not to wear the pants is your preference - it doesn't mean that everyone believes - or that it is appropriate to believe - that taking initiative is "male" and being quiet in the background is "female." my job is all about taking initiative and I don't consider myself acting "like a man" when I do so.

[Batya33]

he's working full time and going to school full time, so yeah, he's gotten better in that area.

 

It might be time to remind yourself of the reasons you accepted his proposal (other than "love" which is very important but I mean the more down to earth reasons such as his qualities, character, goals, values, things in common) since it sounds like you knew about this side of him from almost the first date. Why is it bothering you in particular now?

[annie24]

so you don't get what everyone is talking about? I don't know about you but I don't wanna be the one always wearing the pants in the relationship.

 

I found it a bit unnerving that you seem to be saying that being quiet is to be female and to take control is to be male. It seems like a pretty antiquated view of gender roles. I hope that's not what you're implying.

 

What Annie24 meant is that your preference not to wear the pants is your preference - it doesn't mean that everyone believes - or that it is appropriate to believe - that taking initiative is "male" and being quiet in the background is "female." my job is all about taking initiative and I don't consider myself acting "like a man" when I do so.

 

Yes, that's what I meant. I also have a job where I have to "take control" and be confident and I still consider myself very feminine. I think a woman can be in control of herself without being domineering. And just because he doesn't rush to get brochures doesn't make him a wimp. Maybe he just sees that you like to do it so he lets you? Like the others said, you like his flexibility in other ways - for example, he is letting you do most of the planning. if he were "wearing the pants" as you like to say, he would plan out the entire thing for you and decide where, when, the wedding will be and what you will eat and what colors your bridesmaids dresses will be and where you will go on your honeymoon, and he would make these decisions on his own. I don't think that would make you so happy.

 

EDIT: What are the things you would like to see him do more of? (and you less of?)