should I forgive him?

[heart_broken]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. There are no problems in our relationship. However recently I found out that he is cheating on me. He is dating another girl behind me...

 

I was really sad, disappointed and stunned when I found out... I don't believe that he will cheat on me! But when I confronted him, he admitted to the affair... My tears just flow down and I cried and cried and cried...

 

The feeling is really terrible... I am really hurt... He messaged me and say that he is really miserable and regret doing that. He is willing to let go of the other relationship and for us to start afresh...

 

I know that relationship works on forgive and forget. But I am worried that if I go back to him, will he cheat on me again? Will we maintain the same level of trust as before? Is it possible for a shattered relationship to start afresh?

 

I still love him thou...

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Heart Broken

 

This problem pops up often in this forum, and I am very biased in my response, I feel strongly in that a relationship is based on trust, the person you say your still in love with is not the same one you see now.

 

before, you trusted him, he was a commited Boy Friend, he is not that in your mind now.

 

I also find it odd that he says "

He is willing to let go of the other relationship and for us to start afresh

well isnt that special, he says he regrets what he did, but will only leave the other girl is you let him start new. do you see whats going on here? he doesnt regret anything, what he does regret is that he got caught.

 

In my mind, if he is capable of cheating once he is capable of cheating twice. what you think, that this girl just fell out of the sky? no, he pursued her, he called her, he hit on her, and planned on meeting her, probably told her lies about you etc. you think he was thinking about you when he had sex with her? but you "still love him though" because he so unselfish eh?

 

he is not the person you met, let me ask you this, if you just met a man right now, and he told you that two years from now, he is going to cheat on you, would you continue seeing this guy? of course not, so why you want this cheater back? is it because he is unselfish, honest, and commited or is it because of your emotional investment in him?

 

People may say oh its so noble and mature to forgive and forget, well yeah, forgive him and forget him too. Ill say it again, this wasnt some accident, he wasnt drunk one night out of his gourd and 2000 miles away, this wasnt some one night stand, (even that isnt excuse for cheating) no, this man knew exactly what he was doing, and if things would have worked out the way he wanted you would have been dumped.

 

The doubt and miss trust he created in the relationship is deeply planted inside you now, you may act like its all forgotten, but youll always have suspicions, never again will you be completely trusting of him. the person you thought you knew is dead, he is gone forever.

[BlueEyedBoy]

My ex cheated on me about a year ago, the situation was slightly different to yours in that afterwards she seemed to show little sign of guilt or remorse, she said she told me about it because if things had been the other way round she'd like to have known. Her feelings towards me deteriorated, I forgave her for what she'd done and pleaded with her not to finish with me. After about about 3 months things didn't improve so i didn't see any point in dragging things out any longer and decided to call it off.

We still saw a lot of eachother and gradually things improved and we ended up getting back together. Things from that point on were pretty good allthough at first I constantly felt as though she owed me something and she should do something big to make things up to me, this feeling faded but never really went away. I think I constantly felt let down by what she'd done in the past. We ended up looking back at how unhappy we've been over the last few months and ended up breaking up again.

 

I'm sorry I cant give you a conclusive answer as to whether you should or shouldn't forgive him but i guess the questions you have to ask your self are whether or not you'll completely be able to forget about what he did and put it in the past? Does he really mean that much to you that you're willing to take the risk of getting hurt again or do you deserve better?

 

You may still feel very strongly bout him now, but there are loads of other guys out there and when you find one who truly treats you the way you deserve to be you'll find it a lot easier to live without him than you imagine at the moment.

[Lil_kydarlin]

Hi Sweety, I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Unfortunatley it happens a lot. My ex husband cheated on me religiously... yes you can forgive him... and should - it will help you move on. Whether you continue in a relationship is a different question. Forgive him for being a weak person, forgive him for being so insensitive.... unfortunatley, you won't forget and it will continue to cause problems in your future. I agree that he is more likely sorry that he got caught than for the actual deed. I believe that if he truly wants to start "anew"... you will have to start over as friends, if you take him back immediately all you have taught him is that he can get away with it. Rebuild your trust and friendship and see where it goes from there, but while your doing so, explore other options. Do that for yourself... you may find it happened for a reason.

[enadevoli]

you definatly should do what you feel is right... honestly, if it was me, that boy would be gone. i can't even explain how hurt i would be which is probably exactly how you feel. actually it did happen to me twice. this guy i was seeing cheated on me, so we broke up, then later i took him back, & guess what... he cheated on me again. now im not saying that all guys are like that. some do learn, but after what happened to me, i won't take that chance. the way i see it is, if someone loves you like they say they do, they would never purposely want to hurt you. every one knows that being cheated on hurts whether its happened to you or not. also, if you are dating someone, you are supposed to be the only one they are "seeing". i know that i want to be the #1 girl in my guys life & the only girl that he is with in the gf/bf way & i should be. i don't want to be dating a guy who has another girl on the side, i won't share a guy with anyone, so if he chooses to cheat on me, then he's gone. all that is my opinion, but you know your bf better than anyone here so really you are the only one who knows whether he is one to change.

[TroubledTwenties]

Take it from someone who knows about cheating...the fact is...not he nor things between you two will ever be the same. Relationships are based on trust, and no matter what happens, even if you love him, the trust is broken. Even if you say you can forgive and forget, and things will be good again, you will always remember what he did to you. My advice to you is to end things, you deserve someone who's going to treat you with utmost respect and consideration. I hope things work out great for you!

[DealingWithIt]

You may forgive him for cheating on you because you still love him but will you be able to forget it? I've been in your shoes so I know how you feel. I didn't stay with him for long since I know that I will always doubt him and not trust him.

 

If your bf can cheat behind your back once...I bet he can do it again. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but save yourself a ton of heartache and move on with your life.

[mahlina]

Let's put it this way, just like my friend says, if he were an axe murderer, would you still care?

 

This guy is low, just think of him as someone sick, and not deserving of you. Seriously, if you found out that this guy is mentally disturbing, then would you care? No!

 

I'm sorry, I feel your pain, but at least you found out now right. My teacher told me that sometimes it takes women 7 times to learn from their mistakes in their relationships (this is about sexual assault victims by the way).

 

As a human being, you deserve so much more. I'm really sorry for your pain, and do hope that you'll find someone better and more deserving of your love.

 

(You don't want this relationship to become like a 'Jerry Springer' episode right?) You deserve so much more....

[Tesseract_Witch]

I am one that has dealt with many "I have to move on" circumstances--all of these, I have not regretted allowing the other person to move on with his or her own life, and I with mine. You have an entire life--why take so much effort to save one aspect of it you will easily regret ever putting forth the strain in the end. As many have already advocated, this guy is not worth it--regardless as to how much you love him, your love will not change who or what he is; only he can do that. And as for "starting afresh," unless there is a reset button to life, it's out of the question.

[yeawutever]

Now, this post was written 3 years ago, so you people must have dug it way back. I hope she's not still with that loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If he did that on me, he would be out, no question, no apologizes, nothing.

[heavensent]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know how you feel, because I've been there before. I know it's hard to see it now, but the pain will go away and it will get easier to forget about this man that claims he "loves" you. Someone who cheats is very immature and doesn't have a clue what love is really about. You deserve so much better. I know you say you love him, and that may be true, but you deserve someone who will love you back and give you the respect and loyalty that you really deserve. It's easier said then done, but if you surround yourself with people who love you, they can help you stay away from him and move on with your life. The sun will shine again and soon you will realize that you have done the right thing. If you stay, you will be full of anxiety and fear and worry all the time..that's no way to live. There ARE guys out there that will be faithful...go find one. Now this other guy, he doesn't deserve you sweetheart! YOU CAN DO BETTER!!!

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me...I've been there and maybe I could help you stay strong.

[Tesseract_Witch]

Now, this post was written 3 years ago, so you people must have dug it way back.

 

 

I hadn't realized it was so old!

[mitchmontet]

I'm a 21 year old man, I love my fiance with all my heart. my intentions were always good. My main point is everyone has a turning point in their life. this was mine. She may never forgive me, but god i hope she does, because I am a new man. i don't deserve it, but I really want it so bad. I've been seeing a therapist about this, and i truly feel sorry.

 

I've never been cheated on, so I can't understand the feeling. but I care about her more than anything in the world. It was a mistake, well a few mistakes. Sometimes its times like these when we learn to live again.

We all grow up at some point, but can we get it back to good? its up to her. but i can assure anyone that I will never do it again. with or without her.

[Unreasonable]

Personally, there is no way in hell I would try to patch things up if you're not at least married with children and have a vested interest in keeping the relationship together. Then I would recommend counselling.

 

Your boyfriend has already proven he is capable of cheating on you, and that means he can do it again. He's already proven he's not your ideal man.

 

Just finish it, imo.

[sidehop]

Moderator Note: This thread is seven years old.

[Staple]

Don't. I hate myself for staying with my girlfriend. Please don't put yourself through that pain.

[butrflyblue]

I think you are a very wise man. I am struggling with a similar experience except I am married to the man. I found out after our marriage in January that he has been cheating since the beginning of our relationship. It has been very hard for me because I thought I knew him. Obviously not. My advise to this woman is to cut her losses and run. I wish I had learned these things before I married him. If I did I would have broken up with him immediately and never looked back. I know this hurts now but if you stay he WILL cheat again - its in his nature. My guess is he probably has done this in his past relationships too. Dont be foolish enough to think you are the -special one- who will make him want to turn over a new leaf. It is not in him to do so or this would have never happened to begin with. I found out that my soon to be ex has cheated on every woman he has ever been with and has impregnated several of them. Be smart and kind to yourself. Get out while you still have your health and your sanity.

 

Blue