Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[Streetbob]

Avila, all of us here on ENA would like our ex's to come back to us. That's why we are here in the first place. Though, the reality is that we have to "move on with our lives" as it is, and not let this setback hold us back from being the best that we could ever be. Move on with our lives, but just have that tiny glimmer of hope that things will work out again, in the future. You never know what the future holds as so much can change within the next 3 months, or 6 months, or a year or 2 from now.

 

Things are constantly changing and I honestly believe that a change of heart is more likely in the long run. A change of heart in the short term should raise a red flag in my opinion!!

[dasilver]

Some people really do scare themselves away....

[Avila]

Some people really do scare themselves away....

 

They really really do. it is so frustrating because it is often obvious to us.

 

streetbob is right. time really is the best mirror for our actions. however if he came back soonish i wouldn't be able to take him back because i don't think he would have learned his lesson. he's treated his best friend horribly (me) and i did nothing wrong. i really was the best girlfriend a man could have. the fact that he's rebounding with an older, single mother who is far, far less attractive than i just proves why he's in the relationship. because i held him accountable for his actions and demanded respect, he's gone and found someone who's going to boost his ego. it's so annoying that he would never have looked twice at her if he we both weren't going through this.

 

i get the last laugh though. he's not exactly been loud about this relationship. his mates and family are probably wondering what the hell is going on with him that he'd date her when he has someone like me.

[skheehee]

The funniest thing happened last night. A friend of mine posted a picture from 9gag onto my Facebook wall a few days ago. I don't know if any of you have seen this but it went along the lines of a girl who "cheated" on a guy during towards the end of her relationship, and gives all kinds of reasons to her ex boyfriend for the whole fiasco. The scorned ex simply says, "you're a f***ing ****". True 9gag style. My friend posted this on my wall because he and I are going through the same phase in life, his side a little worse in the sense that his ex got engaged to another guy just weeks after breaking up with him. So he posted on my wall to cheer me up.

 

My ex, whom i suspect, has been checking up on my profile every now and then, happened to see this post, I think... Because last night, she posted on her wall, "If I am such a ****, why are you still chasing me? Well done with the story telling." Haha... This just made my day yesterday, because 1) I know that she still "cares" and "loves" me because she keeps checking in on my profile, and 2) it's like indirectly slapping some sense into her. Some of our ex's really need to wake up and see things as they really are.

 

P.S. I was really tempted to reply with a comment but I took a step back and thought that I should just leave her be. Nothing can go wrong if you do nothing.

[Tearsbegone]

But if the dumper has moved on and is in a new relationship- why would they even be thinking about the dumpee?

[Face2Face]

But if the dumper has moved on and is in a new relationship- why would they even be thinking about the dumpee?

 

Most often they don't and thats why you have to let that relationship run its course and being patient is the key and you should move on as well even if you want that person back. Most likely everything is new / mysterious and fun to them and they need to fill the void you left behind. Sometimes those relationship works out so don't get your hopes up as it would only hurt you more in the end thats why you need to move on and only time will tell if your roads will cross again in the future.

[Face2Face]

Be strong, keep your patience. There really is nothing you can do at the moment while she's with her new guy. She'll be focused on him until its over, so you should be focused on something else. Keep moving on, the day you do is the day she may just come back to you. But of course, don't get your hopes up for that.

 

My exes new relationship just ended after about three weeks together. Now she's saying when she wants to start dating again, it will probably be with me. I thought my situation was completely hopeless until just a week ago. Chin up, keep moving on. Life is unpredictable

 

Sounds great man, keep us updated i am curious about the outcome and hope for some succes story! wish my situation was likewise.

Play it cool and take it slow, Goodluck!

[skheehee]

Everyday, I'm going through all the crap and BS I had to go through when I was together with the ex, in my mind. Helps me go about my day better. still love her though...

[lefoujoyeux]

Hey guys ! I'm new on this forum, but it helped me a much. I already was here before signing in !

 

I'm directly concern about the post. My exgirlfriend broke up with me a month ago because of my lack of attention, she was my first LTR and all the couple things were not natural for me, i was afraid of opening myself to her. She's always tried, she showed me her feelings and how i was taking an important place in her life but i was distant, i was more like a buddy than a lover... so the break up is normal and on me. I guess you improve yourself by doing mistake...

Back to the thread, she was back in a relationship 5 days after the official break up. I know we were not a couple in her mind before the break up. The new man is like the opposite of me, i think he fullfills her needs that i wasn't fullfilling at the time ! He posts little hearts on her facebook account 2 days after they were officialy together.

The week after, since I love her, wrote a letter to open up and try to have a conversation but it was way to emotional for both of us, she cried but said that she made a decision and that she gave me opportunity to keep her in the relationship ! I accepted the break up ! I'm happy that she appears to be happy again but in the back of my mind i would like to get her back and if i can't i still want her to be a part of my life cause she means a lot to me !

She contacted me via text yesterday after 2 weeks of NC (seeing other women, friends and all), i answered today with a positive-distant attitude without asking back question to her and saying i hope that she was doing fine !

She probably won't answer me back, and i don't know if i should wait till she initiate contact again or contact her like in a week or something. Any help?

 

Sorry to bother with my story, but it's good to share with people understanding how i feel

[Avila]

lefoujoyeux if she really is happier in her new relationship than you need to let her go because it seems like you really didn't give her what she deserved and needed. although it does seem like she cares for you still. her new relationship is most likely a rebound.

 

if her new relationship doesn't last than maybe you could get another chance. if you do than fight for her. do everything possible to win and keep her affection. you can't ever be distant. if you get another chance than you need to prove that you deserve her. good luck

[lefoujoyeux]

Thanks for your post avila !

 

I don't know if she's really happy inside, i'll probably never know. But the new guy giving her all the attentions i should have given to her must make her feel happy. Damn, this girl deserve so much to be happy, she has been through rough breakup with her exes (they dumped her via text and all). The fact that i told her that i didnt know if i could give her what she were looking for, i remember saying these exacts words "i don't wanna hurt you and i don't wanna loose you if we breakup, so when you feel like you're gonna suffer too much because of our relation, we will talk". I knew back then that i had feelings for her, but i didnt know how much she means to me ! yeah, the blame is on me and on me only, that's why it hurts. I had 2 aces in my hand and i fold like an idiot because of mmy fear of commitment !

I have no grudges, no hatred that she is dating somebody new even if i'm 100% sure i'd have got her back she hadnt been in a relationship so soon after the breakup. She has a low self esteem and doesnt like to be alone, she always needs to have a presence with her..

 

Like i said, i want to fight to get her back and, even if i can't get her back, i'd be glad to have her in my life in a way or another. I don't want to erase her from my life.

 

Since she contacted me 2 days ago, and my reply was kind of distant cause i don't wanna pressure or make her feel like i didnt understand that we are not a couple anymore, i'm asking myself on what to do.

Should i wait until the relationship end, if it ends (we're 22 and 23), to try to see her and escalate, fight to get her back (i believe that what the thread is about here ? Not providing another option to the ex that might help her bf). Sould i stay in touch with her in a distant but concerned, positive, kind and funny way and see her from time to time just to share some experiences together (to try to reignite the spark or recreate a complicity) ? That's the dilemma i'm confronted on today ..

[Tearsbegone]

Most often they don't and thats why you have to let that relationship run its course and being patient is the key and you should move on as well even if you want that person back. Most likely everything is new / mysterious and fun to them and they need to fill the void you left behind. Sometimes those relationship works out so don't get your hopes up as it would only hurt you more in the end thats why you need to move on and only time will tell if your roads will cross again in the future.

 

I see how some could work out but I still wonder if the dumpee was out the picture why the dumper would even notice if they were in the honeymoon phase with someone new.

[Face2Face]

well not while in the honeymoonstage, but they will see it when it actually ends,... then they will see and realize things which werent there or which arent that bright at all. And thats the moment when they could actually reach out to you.

[Tearsbegone]

well not while in the honeymoonstage, but they will see it when it actually ends,... then they will see and realize things which werent there or which arent that bright at all. And thats the moment when they could actually reach out to you.

 

Yeah right now he's not seeing things clearly at all- he thinks this person is perfect and he is ignoring some major problems she has. Regardless, if I am in his life as a friend does that make a difference vs.not?

[anonamau5]

I have read this entire thread over the past three days. All of you're insights, thoughts, theories, and comments are amazing.

 

I got myself dumped about two and a half months ago. Got the "this isn't working out". It hurt. Bad. I did everything wrong. Tried to stay friends for a couple weeks. Then attempted NC but it was only LC and now I'm back to NC and am finally sticking with it.

 

Found out she started seeing someone. Don't know how long ago, I'm guessing three weeks after she ended it.

 

No idea if its a rebound. But I'm not going to call or text her. I'm going to give her enough space to be an astronaut.

 

Last time we spoke, as in actually talked on the phone, was last month sometime, she wanted to bring my things by. I told her no, I was busy, which I was. She was cold, very frigid and acted annoyed.

 

That was it, I decided **** this. I'm going NC and not looking back. Been a week. It still hurts...but each day is easier.

 

I know why she left me. I got needy quick. Sucks, but its true. So I'm working on me. Which I have been since about a month ago. Gym, running, avoiding booze etc...

 

So after being in LC and realizing it was an awful place for me I went NC. I doubt she ever wants to have anything to do w/ me again. I hate that. It was a short term relationship...about 4 months...but it has hurt like hell.

 

I'm trying to move on. Any thoughts are appreciated.

 

I would attempt to advise others that need it...but right now my head isn't clear enough to do so...I'm getting there, but not yet.

[Avila]

Like i said, i want to fight to get her back and, even if i can't get her back, i'd be glad to have her in my life in a way or another. I don't want to erase her from my life..

 

If she reached out to you than she likely still has feelings for you. Now, IF you want her back than you really do have to want her back. You have to be 100% sure that you can give her everything that she needs and desires. You have to be a better man and you can't just do it to win her back, you have to remain that man. It really could be the making of you. It sounds like you really do care for her and respect her. This is good. If you're sure that you want her back and can fight for her than let her know. Lay your cards out on the table, she may surprise you. Just because the other man treats her well, doesn't mean that he is the one for her.

 

You also need to be patient with her. If you've hurt her in the past, than she's going to hurt for a long time and you need to prove that you're not going to run away just because she's hurt over something you did. Every girl (myself included) wishes that the ex that they know still loves them would man up and do everything in their power to fight for them. Would you do anything to get her back? That is the question.

[Face2Face]

hmm how do you people think i should reach out because last time i said i can't be friends with her and i don't know what the future holds.

I just couldnt be friends with her because it did hurt when she told me she is with someone new. Well I did not tell her the reason and I stayed possitive but I want to open the lines to see if her new relationship is working out. I am not waiting for it as I will just move on meanwhile and I will not try to interfere with it anyway.

[Streetbob]

hmm how do you people think i should reach out because last time i said i can't be friends with her and i don't know what the future holds.

I just couldnt be friends with her because it did hurt when she told me she is with someone new. Well I did not tell her the reason and I stayed possitive but I want to open the lines to see if her new relationship is working out. I am not waiting for it as I will just move on meanwhile and I will not try to interfere with it anyway.

 

Don't reach out! End of. That is her job, not yours!

[lefoujoyeux]

I just called her, she was very positive and all. We talk about what we're going to do next year, small talk.

Then i said that i had to go, i asked her if she wanna grab a cup of coffee next week, i felt like an hesitation, but she finally said yes (that her mother is going to be there this weekend, but that she is free next week).

 

Few minutes later i received a text : "Won't it be awkward to see each other ?"

I texted her back "it's only a cup of coffee : )"

 

Well she probably won't text me back..

 

Any thoughts ?

[Face2Face]

yeh well you should have said "don't worry it's only a cup of coffee".

Anyway leave it like that for now, did you give her an exact date/time/place?

[Face2Face]

Don't reach out! End of. That is her job, not yours!

 

yeh maybe thats the best but I think she is stubborn enough to leave it like that...

[Clueless90]

Yes you are true about that and you need to think in a possitive way.

 

But sometimes I just think "the more time goes by the more they will grow to eachother and my door closes". I could see in a month if their honeymoon stage succeeded or not so I can either close to the door and move on because else I will keep her embraced in my heart and I am unable to open myself for someone else...

I hope you 2 get back together but i think you are in a better position then i am... well thats obvious!

 

I totally know what you mean but the general key seems to be that if there ever were gonna be a chance it happens after a significant period of time and also go NC. I learnt everything the hard way and thanks about the last part but honestly do not see us getting back together

[Clueless90]

I think a lot of the times it doesn't seem to matter how much we did for the other person, how well we treated them etc, when your hearts not in it you will find every reason to break things off and ignore every reason to stay... I think with your situation a lot of the situation you two were in e.g. LDR etc did definitely add to the problems but there were other underlying issues clearly and I guess it would help for you to maybe try and understand what that may have been. I mean overall there isn't really any point over analysing things to death its like beating a dead horse. I do think if you feel the relationship is worth salvaging and if you get another chance it might help to figure out the underlying issues etc and work on it during NC offcourse whilst she is still messing around with this other person.

I would urge you not to contact her, she should do it. I feel more responsibility lies on the dumper to initiate or work towards reconciling as how the hell are we dumpees meant to know??

PS contacting her could drive her further and further away from the end result you desire so before you do it do think about the bigger picture.

 

Also regarding my situation, on saturday this past weekend I found out my ex is now in a relationship with this girl he was friends with. Shes 17 hes 21. Anyways I am hurt so fricking bad at how much he lied to me when I suspected he was dating her but he insisted and insisted that he wasn't seeing her like that, they were friends and that he doesn't have any feelings for her and that nothing has happened between the two of them.

I am confused as to why he would lie so outrageously like that when we are not even properly together. Yes until a month and 3 weeks ago we were still casually seeing each other, both agreed we weren't dating others and still sleeping together and I was still close to his family and he would always include me in everything he was doing though I said no a lot due to my busy schedule and plus a lot of the things he wanted me to come out to was raves which isn't really my 'thing'. Anyways he has been seeing her for probably 3 weeks and now in a relationship with her. Is he rebounding as the relationship broke up at the beginning of february or is this a genuine thing? Anyone have insight? I'm thinking maybe its the real thing, we were together for almost 2 years, after dating for 2 weeks he confessed his love for me and wanted to be in a proper relationship and asked me to move in with him which I did. Prior to this we knew each other for 2/3 years from college but not super well, just from around. Hes reasons for wanting to breakup was that we were arguing a lot etc, I had anger issues and that he was very insecure and that he felt a 'break' would help us and he saw us back together sooner or later and still saw his future with me so I stupidly went a long with this and things were getting back on track so when he stopped calling me as much or hanging out etc or initiating all these things I started FB snooping etc and found out all these other things e.g. this new gf.

 

Insight anyone? Has he genuinely moved on and this is probably not a rebound is it? Crazy as only towards the end of last year he wanted to get married/engaged, get a ring made for me and wanted to have babies with me

 

Also when I found out he was now with this girl after only 3 weeks, I sent a long text as a final goodbye and it went something like this:

 

''Hi I'm texting as you said I can reach you if I ever needed to talk, I am so dissapointed to find out you have been lying to me this whole time and that when I asked you about this girl you denied and denied when I just wanted to know to figure out where I stand. I would of respected you for being honest if you'd just told the truth, it would of stung but I would of moved past that. I hope you know after this there will definitely never be a second chance and I regret our entire time together. Thanks for ending it this way. I hope you're happy and I hope to never speak to you again.''

 

I think I killed any chance of him ever trying to come crawling back oh and he didn't reply. Typical.

[SushiOji]

Why would someone that leaves you and gets into a rebound keep it a secret from you and mutual friends?

[lovinghim2012]

Hi everyone. I need you guys help.. me and my ex knew each other since high school I'm 24 now.. however we lost contact for a bit and just reconnected about two years ago. We were dating for about a year or so when he decided he needed a break and wanted to work on himself. However he wanted to remain friends because he didn't want me out of his life completely instead of me enforcing the no contact rule I decides to remain friends with him. About a month ago we decided we were going to try and work things out between us and take things slow and that's what we were doing until about two weeks ago when his first ex came back into his life out of nowhere. She contacted him on Facebook and they started talking on the phone and then arrange to meet for lunch to catch up. Needless to say they somehow reconnected and she told him she wanted to take things slow and get back together. He told me everything that happen and also told me he don't know what to do because he cares and loves both of us and can see himself being happy with either one of us. Then he told me he wanted to take me to the movies and spend time with me however it never happen because I couldnt hold how I was feeling about the situation anymore and latched out angrily at him for not picking me.. Which just pushed him closer in her direction then mine and he started to spend more time with her and ignoring me. Of course I didn't stop and give him the space I should have I just kept calling texting crying you name it I did it. Finally one day I called him he answered and he agreed to go to come see me so we can talk it didn't go as I planned. He was still distant and even told me he made his decision he wants to try things out with her because its easier with her then me.. That I'm the harder route he not ready to take even though he know I'm the better fit for him. Now he's in a relationship with her and it hasn't even been two weeks since he didn't know what to do.. I personally think he's rushing into things and he even ament he is but he said that will just have to be a mistake he has to live with. I believe he's just afraid of losing her because its given facts that if she doesnt he want she's asking for she'll walk away and he doesn't want that to happen.. I think he's not afraid of me leaving because I've been around for this long putting up with everything and haven't walked away yet.. Just a day ago I was over his house and he told me that he still loves me and don't understand why I think he's throwing me away when even through he's with her he's still make time to see me and hang out with me even when he don't have time to see his family or other friends he still tries and make time for me. Then he told me that he want us to be friends that he's with her but he still want me apart of his life that I'm one of the buds now and asked me am I okay with that. Because I love him and still want him to be apart of my life I told him I can try. I just don't know you guys I'm so confused as what to do. Like I know he still cares about me and want to give us a second chance because of his actions. Yes he say he just want us to be friends and he's with her but when hes with me his actions speak louder then his words. Everytime we are around each other he can't take his eyes off me contantly complimenting the way I look and how beautiful I am.. He's always the one establishing the first contact touching me,putting his arms around me,laying in my lap, holding me etc etc. I think he's just confused and letting his fear of me not changing and things going back to the way they were when we were dating instead of listening to what his heart is telling him.. I don't know you guys I'm just confused and don't know what I should do about the situation. He wants me in his life and his actions says he cares but what he say out his mouth is just confusing. One minute he's telling me we are just friends and he's with her the next he's telling me don't stop fighting for him.. I don't know.. please help you guys I really need it.. thanks