Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[Face2Face]

@ butterfly6850

 

It is not really about what is possitive or what is negative but more what is reality because I can see both possitive and negative things but you already know that but sometimes your emotions gains control and make your goal harder to achieve.

There are indeed some strong signs from his side but he should also be able to cut the tires with her if he really wants you. If he would really love you then he would take the effort to have a good conversation with eachother about what you both want. Try to listen to eachother without raising your voices if you really love eachother. Be sure that everything is said and that everything is clear to eachother so you will not run into anything soon. Never jump in right away because then you can only blow things up so you should take it step by step.

I think it is good you went into no contact and you should keep it up for a while so that he can think straight and be clear about what he wants because if you continue like this then nothing will happen eventually and you 2 will only create a bigger distance between eachother.

Sometimes you need to power up your words because you are not a doormat or waiting for him on the bench! Else you have to say to him that you both should move along because you need 2 to tango and clearly something is bothering him or else things would be different by now (he broke up with her 3 or 4 times so clearly he is in an endless cirlce right now)

I do hope you get him back of course because I just lost my ex gf to another guy and I still love her a lot but sometimes you need to let go to see if that person really wants to be part of your life. As they always say " If the person comes back to you then he is yours, if he doesn't then he never was".

Just keep your dignity and be true to yourself, he might enjoy both cakes and not make a decision because of that.

Sometimes you need to take that cake away in front of their nose so that they need to experience what it is to actually lose it!

I certainly think you 2 can be together once again,.. maybe not soon but more likely on the long haul because there are still a lot of issues rising like this.

A month seperated and going no contact can do a lot of wonders so maybe you should dive under that radar for a longer period of time if he can't make a decision.

[Face2Face]

It is never good to say "I love you" in such an early stadium because it can only backfire later on and especially with a LDR because the honeymoonstage is harder to maintain. The butterflies effect wears off after +- 2 months and people will see eachother flaws and the first fights will start for example. People are more apart with a LDR and thus more time to think about stuff instead of really talking with eachother about these issues. They will have those conversation with friends and stuff and most likely they have a bad influence on this. I know it is really hard to move on because I am in the same boat and I also had a LDR for 1 year. I was head over heels about her and suddenly she turned 180 degrees. I kept no contact for 3 months now and yesterday was her birthday but I kept NC up and kept my pride. If she really wants me in her life then she should make contact because she knows how much I love her. Sometimes we need to let go that which we love to reveal their true identity.

I also think that if someone tells you " i love you " that early then you do not know the true meaning of love and in their case they can fall in love like a second but also fall out of love in a second and jump on to the next. Some of them suffer from Gigs as you can google which is the grass is greener syndrome and they think they can have always better and re-ignite the feeling about butterflies.

[BeenThere2]

I hate to say this Ela, but someone who says "I love you" one month into a relationship has no clue what love really is. Can I ask how old you two are? This is not in any way meant to sound patronizing, but oftentimes people in their teens and 20's mistake lust for love (actually a lot of people much older seem to too!). That chemical-induced giddiness felt in the beginning of every relationship is not love. Love is truly about choosing to make a solid commitment, and it comes much later once all of that excitement settles down and a deep attachment is formed between two people. Again, this isn't meant to sound patronizing at all. I just want you to start thinking about what this relationship MAY have been about. Do you know about this guy's previous relationships? Maybe this is a pattern for him? Has he said he's now already "in love" with this new woman? If so, there's your answer.

[Ela19]

I am 35 and he is about to turn 42. He had been married before and I had just come out of a 2 yr relationship 3 mths prior to meeting him. We never fought and everything was perfect till the end when I sensed his distance. He was a hopeless romantic and jumped at every chance to see me. I blame myself a lot because I never told him I loved him till the end. The man I was w prior for 2 yrs never but twice told me he loved me. (It was an emotionally abusive relationship with the ex.) It was awkward for me to say the word I've never heard from anyone really. I was so guarded the entire time. Once I started to let it down he pulled away. I tried to go see him twice and he asked me not to come, that it would be too sad and we should just let go. Now I know that he had been already communicating with this other women. I was there on Labor Day and we had no contact till the last night when he called me but I had missed his call because I was asleep. We spoke the next day from the airport and he didn't have a reason for calling. Said he shouldn't have called and we should probably not speak anymore. I was crying of course and told him how I felt it was my fault. I know I'm a sucker. That was sept 6 and we have had not communicated since then. I feel like I never new him. I know I should let go and move on. I just miss having him in life and it makes me so sad that he doesn't want me in his anymore. Before we were breaking up he was telling me that he was lonely and missed having a family, I told him I would be there with him soon and he would have his own family. (He raised a step son with his ex wife) Then he met this new women who has 2 children. Now he has his insta family. It's sickening. She was the easier option. She is there I am here and I can't do anything about it.

[BeenThere2]

How recently was he divorced before your relationship began? Or had he come out of another relationship just before you two met? I ask because is it possible that you were a rebound? His apparent need to push things into 4th gear so quickly point to the possibility. I mean declaring he loved you after one month and urging you to move your entire life to be with him after just three is ridiculous in my opinion. If it wasn't a rebound situation then he must have some severe insecurity issues. That just seems overly needy to me. It's rather telling that as soon as you responded and started coming his way, he started pulling back. I'd be curious to know how "serious" he's claiming to be with this new person already. I don't know. Based on what I'm hearing, you may be better off.

[BeenThere2]

By the way Ela, I hope I'm not being too harsh. I'm just trying to help you take a look at the entire situation as realistically as you can right now. I know all too well how we generally elevate the image of our ex after we've been dumped. Everything we loved about them, every single great memory we shared, it all gets inflated until every possible negative is crowded out. Of course this is completely unrealistic. Try to look at the relationship and the breakup from a few different angles. Allow yourself to see HIS weaknesses and negative traits. Obviously you know a billion times more about the situation than I do, but maybe there's something you're not seeing yet? What REALLY caused the breakup? Although you seem to be blaming yourself, I'm sensing it wasn't you at all.

[Face2Face]

you are right about that beenthere2, we try to place them on the good side even with all those negative things they have done. We try to suppress those things and we don't even want to face them. We need to be realistic and think rational.

Thats also the reason why I didn't send her any birthday wish because she "forgot" my birthday also. Just so immature and she needs to face it that she lost a nice guy who deserves better. I must say it made me a lot harder and I have become less sensitive which I must say is better and I should thank her for that!

[Ela19]

How recently was he divorced before your relationship began? Or had he come out of another relationship just before you two met? I ask because is it possible that you were a rebound? His apparent need to push things into 4th gear so quickly point to the possibility. I mean declaring he loved you after one month and urging you to move your entire life to be with him after just three is ridiculous in my opinion. If it wasn't a rebound situation then he must have some severe insecurity issues. That just seems overly needy to me. It's rather telling that as soon as you responded and started coming his way, he started pulling back. I'd be curious to know how "serious" he's claiming to be with this new person already. I don't know. Based on what I'm hearing, you may be better off.

He was divorced a year before we met and had other relationships. I hear what you're saying. My friends tell me the same, that he was needy. The relationship with this other person is serious enough for him to forget everything we went through together and completely break ties with me. He was always worried that I was going to be the one to break his heart, in the end he broke mine. You are right and in time I will probably see that. Thanks for the advice. Good luck to you all

[BeenThere2]

you are right about that beenthere2, we try to place them on the good side even with all those negative things they have done. We try to suppress those things and we don't even want to face them. We need to be realistic and think rational.

Thats also the reason why I didn't send her any birthday wish because she "forgot" my birthday also. Just so immature and she needs to face it that she lost a nice guy who deserves better. I must say it made me a lot harder and I have become less sensitive which I must say is better and I should thank her for that!

 

Exactly, Face. Being realistic and rational about our situations is what we all need. It's laughable how forgiving we can be about their bad behavior, isn't it? Had the breakup not happened, would we be so forgiving? I doubt it. I realize it takes time for a dumpee to get through all the hurt and feelings of loss, but eventually the fog clears and reality sets in. That's not a bad thing at all.

 

By the way, it sounds like you made the right choice regarding her birthday. It may have zero effect on her at all, but I don't know. At the very least I think it might be dawning on her that you are letting go.

[BeenThere2]

He was divorced a year before we met and had other relationships. I hear what you're saying. My friends tell me the same, that he was needy. The relationship with this other person is serious enough for him to forget everything we went through together and completely break ties with me. He was always worried that I was going to be the one to break his heart, in the end he broke mine. You are right and in time I will probably see that. Thanks for the advice. Good luck to you all

 

I know it's a LOT easier for me to say than it is for you to live it, but I think you are better off. If he's been divorced for just a year and has already had "other relationships" within that year, he sounds to me like a serial rebounder. A person that is THAT needy and insecure would not make you happy had the relationship deepened. He sounds like he may have too many unresolved issues regarding his failed marriage. If he doesn't take the time to address these things, he's very likely going to be a train wreck bouncing from one broken relationship after another. If you were to stay together, I think in time you'd regret it. If you're a strong secure person, you don't want to be saddled with a clingy insecure mess. He'd drive you over the edge in no time. I am 100% sure that once you get past all this, you'll wind up with someone FAR better for you. I know it.

[Face2Face]

yo there! last night i was out and had a few drinks pfff,... need to recover a bit!

Oh yeh i noticed she came online after 8 days! but i didnt send her anything.. even with those drinks lol!

I think she must have been on vacation with this new guy and assume they are still together.

It is best to move on and let it go, will remove her contact information so i am not able to look further into it and let it go for good!

If she ever wants to be part of my life then it is her job to seek contact and not the other way round.

Hope you are all doing fine and keep your head up!

[sampson]

So im not about putting my relationships online but need some advice.

My ex fiance and I (7 years) were together. I called off the wedding due to her lying/cheating on me, her being constantly mad about something, etc. so she originally wanted to work on things, which i did as well but then she flipped, blamed me for her cheating sayn i was never there for her whoch is not true what so ever, met a bunch of guys and started dating online. Now after about 5 weeks of actually not speaking she had a boyfriend whose shes serious with. Is that a rebound? Shes 30, pays for nothing (folks do), makes good money, and now shes moving on? Yet she says its the best relationship shes ever been in? Ive had NC for a while now after i felt she was just playing with my enotions. I just dont understand how she can move on so damn fast as I have done nothing to her other than put my foot down about things.

 

I could really use some advice.

Thanks

[whiteoleanders]

Sampson,

I am so sorry, this must be difficult. I have only been broken up with my significant other for not even a month, and he already is in a new relationship. I understand the hurt, the pain, and most importantly the betrayal. I will probably never be able to fully grasp who your fiance was/is, but I can only advise you on what you have described her as. Obviously you loved her deeply, and when one loves another human being so much they overlook the negatives and often times love them for those exact attributes. Now one of the good things about this forum is that you confide in strangers with no biases and they give it to you straight. . . so here it goes. . . . I'm sure she was a lovely person, but she seems to be one of those women who have never had to work hard for anything. One of those few who have a family and boyfriend to fall back on. I'm assuming because of this she developed a rationality that she can have whatever she wants no matter what. Perhaps you were spending time with her, but it just wasn't enough based on the pedistol she creates in her mind ? IF she did in fact lie to you, cheat on you, argue you with you at a constant rate, and already is dating then I know this is cliche to say but YOU ARE BETTER WITHOUT HER. I know you can't imagine yourself with anyone else, and hey even I Can't imagine myself with someone else BUT you (just as I) have to face the music. That bitter music that is: she is in a new relationship right now, and whether or not it's a rebound one or not doesn't matter. All that matters is what it symbolizes, which is that she is moving on with her life. Granted she is doing it in the most juvenile and twisted manner but she is doing it. As far as the age thing goes, I honestly don't think it matters. Some college students have healthier relationships than 30 year olds. It matters on the person. So if she is who I assume her to be, then my personal opinion is that this relationship she is in won't last forever. I can't give you an exact number, all I can say is that this is her way to avoid dealing with her emotions and simultaneously curing her loneliness. When you get out of a relationship, you do things to distract yourself. Some people drink, some people exercise, and some people date. This is her way of keeping herself busy and moving on. Once again, I am sorry.

 

Hope this helped

[sampson]

Thank you for your advice. I feel a lot better as the days go by. I know I am better off without her to be honest. I have no reason to lie on the forum about her behaviors and quite honestly thats what she did. According to her this is all my fault and blames me for her actions/break up. She'd get so angry about the littlest things, people walkn to slow, things people say, etc. I can also honestly say we never have broken up in 7 years, almost once because of her actions, but otherwise solid (at least I thought). Ive never done anything terrible to her like she has to me. It just amazes me people treat people that way whenthey know you love them. I have no doubt in my mind she still loves me ( feelings like that dont go away over night). I just dont think shes happy with herself for whatever reason.

 

Btw what type of person do you think she is?

[whiteoleanders]

Sampson,

 

I'm glad to hear that you atleast realize that you are better off. I know you may not want to be, but you are better off. Personally speaking, I believe that she is like my ex. He never got angry about the littlest things, but they seem to sum up each other in one word: selfish. It is because of this, that they don't care about how we are. It's all about them, and it is because of this that there is nothing we can do.

[whiteoleanders]

That's perfect. To the point and not mean in any way. He already has the letter where you told him how you felt and what you wanted so there's no need to repeat any of that. This was just right. You are telling him that you've accepted his decision for the breakup and you are respecting his space. That's huge. The fact that your roommates delivered it for you was the icing on the cake. I'm sure this is the first seed of doubt planted in his tiny brain. Do your best to keep this attitude of strength and diginity when he sees you. Save all rants and crying for your roommates and for us here. Relax and stay focused. You're doing great!

 

I have been doing significantly well, but I saw him with his girlfriend for the first time Friday night. Luckily my friends had convinced me to dress up and wear makeup that night, but unfortunately I was by myself walking back to my apartment. He had his arm around her, and his bike in his other. We were walking on the same street, only in different directions. I just met with his eyes for a milla second then looked away emotionless as if he was a stranger, but then i fell apart when I got home. His new girlfriend must know who I am, because she gave me a dagger look. He on the other hand was smiling. Being with him so long, I can differentiate his smiles. It wasn't his "in your face" smile. It was more like the one he gave me when we were vacationing in San Francisco together. I was wearing this dress that he really liked, and he just smiled at me that exact smile he gave me Friday night. I know there is no rationalizing why he is doing this to me, but I can't help but wonder why he's okay with not being with me anymore or even caring about how I feel. I'm back to hoping he'll call or text me, and everyday I hope once more. I just don't know what else to do. I'm already going out and hanging out and working out, you know all the busy activities. I just don't know if I can last without breaking NC. Btw, it's a month this Friday.

[BeenThere2]

That's rough but it sounds like you handled it well. Unfortunately, given your living situation, this is likely going to happen again. Sooner rather than later. Even MORE unfortunate is that honestly there isn't anything you can do but let it be. Continue to show your strength and dignity (which I'm seeing are two virtues you have in abundance) when you have encounters with him, and save the breakdowns for when you are alone. We all have them. I saw on FB today that my ex had a "Fantastic weekend" so THAT felt wonderful (she's actually kind in that she never mentions relationship stuff on FB knowing that I'm able to see, but when she leaves a very vague statement like that it's easy to guess that she's referring to her new guy). In any event, I allowed it to ruin my whole day which is ridiculous, but sometimes you can't help it. My point is there isn't a thing I can do or say. I have to let it be. Anything I do would be counter-productive. The same with you (as you well know). So continue what you're doing. Based on Friday night's little episode, you're doing great. But if you ever get the urge to break NC for whatever reason, come here first. Hopefully one of us will steer you right.

 

As for his actions, I wish I could say something that would make sense. I have the same questions about my ex. I would think 6.5 years would mean enough to want to work things out but clearly I'm wrong. To be honest I don't think she knows, and at least in HER case, fear and guilt might be part of the reason (fear that things wouldn't change if we got back together and guilt over her leaving me and getting involved with someone else). With your ex, I'm afraid I can't say. I suppose the only thing you can focus on (and this goes for me as well) is that he doesn't want to be with you right now and the best thing you can do is grant him all the time and space in the world. I still say once he starts seeing you with other guys, a switch is going to click in his head. Suddenly he'll no longer have the upper hand. He'll wonder why YOU don't want HIM anymore. That's when he'll start contacting you more. No guarantees but I might put money on it. In the meantime, keep your head held high. You're doing better than you think.

[sampson]

Absolutely. Ive spoken to a lot of people her/my friends and they all hae said the same. Some of her friends have kept in contact with me instead of her because shes lied to so many of them. Alot of them have said, in time she will regret it but right now shes too busy having this attention. Time will tell... Another pt: i dont think you can go from 7 year to anothe relationship in 5 weeks. I rebounded w an ex of mine before her for 4 mths and it just made me feel worst in the end. I legitimately want her to be happy. Yes, she messed up and destroyed our relationship, and blames me (how i have no idea but apparently was never there for her and didnt know her, huh go fig). But i still aant her to be happy because I genuinely do love her (in love maybe not). I just couldnt imagine latching on to someone so fast without getting to know ME again without someone. It solves nothing especiialy when you are the catalyst in the collapse of the relationship. Its just completely counter productive and you woll carry that baggage w you, and add more and more if you dont solve issues within you.

 

Sampson,

 

I'm glad to hear that you atleast realize that you are better off. I know you may not want to be, but you are better off. Personally speaking, I believe that she is like my ex. He never got angry about the littlest things, but they seem to sum up each other in one word: selfish. It is because of this, that they don't care about how we are. It's all about them, and it is because of this that there is nothing we can do.

[lakedaimonios]

Ok guys this theory about rebounds is very interesting!! I ll tell u my story i ll try to keep it sort and plz i would like an opinion! On December i started a relationship with a girl who was about 2 months free from her ex boyfriend! She was talking to me about him but not in a way she liked him so i dont think i was her rebound since we were together for 7 months!! We had a long distance relationship She went to another tower for her studies. She was living with her grandfather/mother there Anyway we were seeing each other every 2-3-4 weeks it depended from her program!! I met her by a mutual friend and after 2 months i met her again in a club she was 2 weeks free from her ex , she broke up with him cause he was immature and ahole!I know this from other people too!! Anyway 1 day later she left for the other town and we had communication for 1 and a half month. Then she returned and we started our relationship and she was emotionally good! Her ex was chasing her but she rejected him for me!! Our relationship was good she was missing me each time and my attidute was normal with her! After 6 months she begun to be distant from me not so many calls or texts! I was planing to go there and rent a hotel 1 week before the exams in my institute!! I informed my teachers if it was good to leave for 2 days and told me to be patient i ve all the days i want...cause these days were the most difficult i wanted to pass alot of lessons and get my degree! My girl was in her first year in her college! I was in my forth year! So we postponed it! I told her to go the next week and she could not she had lessons too to pass!

 

Anyway to sort my story a bit she was distant with me and a couple of days after our exams i asked her what is going on and u are like this to me!! She told me distance tired her and she wantes a normal life etc!! I told her this is the only difficult year for me and from now on i plan to find a job(anything) and visit u very often( i ve not get my degree yet). We spoke in pnone she was crying telling me she loves me

and she cant forget our moments but she didnt want to continue!! it was just 1 call! That night she sent me a message that she loves my no matter what! I replied her the next day we ll talk when u come! She came in our city 1 week after we broke up!! We went out the next day at the beginning she was a bit cold but after our first kiss she seemed happy again!! 2 days later she sings to me te same song like before i cant do this anymore etc... i told her ok! 1 day later i sent her a message i miss her! She replys to me she misses my kisses! I told her to meet and she accepted she came to my place we had s... and she started to cry saying i am wonderful in everything and she loves me! This was a pretty strong emotion! For about a week we were good exept the fact she locked our fotos in fb the fact she dint tell her friends anything about us the fact she found a place to rent so she can live alone and not with grandparents anymore and be closer to her college!! I say good news now i can come stay with u and no need of hotels and everything gonna be better for us...She told me we ll see if u come and i ve to decide bla bla bla!!

 

To be sort after some days she was warm with me telling me she loves me alot she singed the same song for the 3 time!! i told her again my perposes for her i even told her i was planning to go there to spend my days as a soldier(12 months of obligation) She told me thank u for what u want to do for me but i ve mde my decision)

 

For 20 days i used NC rule then i called her!! I told her i was thinking of u and wanted to see if u are ok and i want to see u!! I was in a happy mood not depresed nor crying no nothing!! I was always in normal tone with her!! She told me she didnt expect me to call her and she was glad to hear from me and we would talk again and meet when she returnes!! it was summer and she went there for 1 month holidays there!! I ve to say she was not indifferent with me she asked me about me!

 

5 days later in my name day she just sends me a cold happy name day!! I again called her but this time she was really cold alaska dudes!!i told her to meet cause i would return too from holidays and she said to me we dont ve anything to say we cant be friends and **** like this!!

 

 

2 days later i learn from fb(who else) she was dating a guy whom i know!! This kidd(in brains) he is also a mental damaged person! I am not kidding i know this guy he is a total crazy!! If he is not a rebound then who is???

 

Nevermind 1 day later i sent her a tipical good morning in fb she replys morning! How are u i say? I am not good i ll call u later! Plz tell me did something with him omg and laughed a bit!! Sry guys i know this is not good behavior not to accept your ex new romance but i could not believe it!! I ll tell u why

 

She called me and started telling me about a mutual friend of us lets say bob!! Bob

was the only of her friends who was with my side and told her why u did something like this to him!! Her new boyfriend lets say Eric was also Bobs friend but Bob i know him he is always with the right!! My ex had long distance with Eric too so Bob

told her in a nice way why u lied to him about distance and do something with Eric also long distance!! I asked her why! She replied it was not just distance it was she had not strong feelings for me and she wanted to break up with me 1 month before the exams but she did not cause she wanted not to distact me from exams!! then she change it and tells me she wanted to end 2 months before the exams! And finally she says she wanted to and this 2 months after we started the relationship!! HOLY S...!!! I was taken totally offguard!!! I did some mistakes like i told her your new relationship is not going to last u know u dont love him!! She met him first time on December when we were together we both had bad opinion about him!! He went for a week with Bob to her town for holidays Bob has house there...and this week she totally changed her mind about him?? I just cant believe it!!

 

 

I also learned that 2 weeks after we broke up started talking to Eric and begin their romance!!

For 6 days after her call i was chasing her but not with bad behavior 100 calls messages!! For example 2-3 mesages per day and those 6 days i called her just twice!! I pushed her a little to tell the truth cause i was asking her out a lot of times like i want to see u to go out to see how u are i ve news from my holidays etc!! I pushed her yes but not with terrorism of calls and messages!! After alot negotiation(xexe) and a bit patience cause i told her ok sry for pushing u but i want to see u cause i know u ll leave again to your college city and i dont know when come again and i pushed u cause u were so negative for god shake!!

 

She agreed and the 6th day we went out!! Believe it or not the first 2 hours we were very good had fun like the old days laughed made jokes etc!! I mention here i was touching her hair and hands and eye contact!! the last hour she spoke obout us i did a mistake i asked her a second chance cause we derserve a seconf chance we were close and i tried to kiss her! She denied!!! After a bit tried again cause we were close again she denied but she let me kiss her neck!! OKkk mistakes i know i was in love i am human!!

 

She liked it too i knew she was!! She loved the fact she was playing hard to get it! She told me that now that she is with other guy she cant kiss me its not proper!! I told her i respect your new relationship i hope u 2 are fine and wish u all the luck i smiled and let her go!

 

Now 5 weeks have passed since then guys!! I saw fotos in fb with her and Eric i suck it all the songs the comments everything i suck it all and not saying a freeking word i pushed myself not to do so! i told her i respect her choise and i did i keep my word...5 weeks no calls no messages no likes no comments a bit stalking yes but nothing else i watch her like a shadow!!

 

My ex blocked our mutual friend Bob cause he wasnt with her side and forced Eric not to be friends with him anymore! I dont know why she punish like this Bob!! Friends are friends cause they say the truth not what u want to hear after all!! And Eric denied to not speak to his friend again for her!

 

 

1 week ago i learned(fb and Bob) that my ex broke up with Eric( it is a rebound after all) Eric was mad at her and she blocked him erased their few fotos and Eric did and still does from what i learn begging and pleeding in a very serious and crazy way! He was about to go visit her and she told him no!! She told him she was feeling presure and didn like some jokes he did and she didnt want him to go there to see her!!

 

 

The girl whom i loved and cared decided he was good for her and rejected me for him(cause she was feeling more for him from what i understand) but he broke up with him in a month!! And i ve to say that those 5 weeks we dont talk she was saying the worst about me to her friends even Eric!!! We had good times together and emotions!!! Why she does not mention that with me had good times and she says to everyone bad things about me i dont know!! She says that i was boring in everything lol that she did not like my shoes the way i am dressed that i am serious with her... The girl she was saying how wonderful i am and how she misses me and how she loved me has negative thoughts about me lol!!

 

 

Ok woman u break up with me!! U can say to your friends even Eric that its over with us but u had nice expierience with me and just didnt work out!! any ideas guys!! Deep in my mind i want her back i admit but i dont know what to do now this rebound is over!! Wait for her to miss me while i move on or make a move??

 

Something last! She has nameday in a while should i send to her or not?!! And btw while she erased the fotos of Eric she unlocked our fotos from what i can see!! She keeps them! Does it mean anything or not? Really sorry for all these stuff

[BeenThere2]

Well let's start out with the definition of a rebound. A rebound relationship basically occurs after a LONG TERM relationship has ended, and the person rebounding has not taken the proper time to address the emotional loss and any personal issues resulting from the termination of that relationship. To clarify, I would say a long term relationship would be at least a solid year, but even that is a bit light (though some might argue otherwise). The point is, the couple had to be deeply rooted in the attachment phase, which comes down the road a bit, well after all the fireworks have calmed down. The rebounder could start a rebound relationship BEFORE they end the long term relationship. They can also have several rebound relationships (some people seem to be serial rebounders).

 

In your case, in my opinion anyway, you weren't together nearly long enough for the attachment phase. I'm afraid seeing each other maybe twice a month for 7 months isn't much time at all. And from the sounds of it, she had doubts within that time. How long was she with the guy just before you? Was that a long term boyfriend? If so, I would say that unfortunately YOU were a rebound (as was "Eric") but that's really based on very little information.

 

Regardless, the important point is that she sounds very confused and unsure of what she wants. I find it interesting that both you and "Eric" were long distance romances. To me that indicates someone who might not want anything serious. You DID say that one of her criticisms of you was that you were "too serious with her", right? A girl that is completely sure about a guy is NOT bothered by serious intentions.

 

Now the photos on FB. So let me get this straight, she locked the photos of you two while she was with Eric so no one but she could see them, but now she's unlocked them again? That's a slightly encouraging sign but I wouldn't read much more into it. Are you sure she deleted Eric's photos or did she just lock those for now?

 

My opinion based on all that you've written is that she's very young and completely unsure about herself and what she wants. It is possible that you might be able to get back with her, but at the moment I would be afraid that it'd be just temporary and in a few months (maybe less) you'd be going through this hell all over again. I don't know. I'd be very bothered by her actions and leery about getting back with her. It might be different if it was a 7 year relationship, but 7 months long distance? It might be better to walk away. At least for now.

[BeenThere2]

Sampson, so sorry you're dealing with all this. I lost the girl I wanted to marry at the beginning of this year. We were closing in on 7 years together as well. Anyway, you are absolutely right. There is no way a person can make an emotionally sound jump out of a 7 year relationship into another relationship just 5 weeks later. That's insane. From what I've read, it sounds like she feels there was neglect on your part in the relationship (something I was guilty of as well). I don't know if that's an accurate criticism on her part or more of an excuse for her own actions, but if she believes it then she no doubt has been thinking about ending things for awhile. The cheating incident was probably the first indicator. People (women especially) cheat when they feel neglected in a relationship. It's a way of detaching or forcing distance between you. There's no question in my mind that this new relationship is a rebound. How long it will last is impossible to say. But when it ends (because it probably will), there's no guarantee she'll come back to you. Just be prepared for that if you are hoping for reconciliation. I know at the very least you are searching for answers so that you can move on from all this. I think all you can be sure of is that her bizarre actions and shocking choices are really the result of her own confusion and emotional upheaval. Even if she ended the relationship, it's still a traumatic emotional event for her. Maybe moreso in certain ways, because she'll have to look back at some point and realize SHE'S the one who ended a 7 year relationship that should have continued for the rest of her life.

[BeenThere2]

yo there! last night i was out and had a few drinks pfff,... need to recover a bit!

Oh yeh i noticed she came online after 8 days! but i didnt send her anything.. even with those drinks lol!

I think she must have been on vacation with this new guy and assume they are still together.

It is best to move on and let it go, will remove her contact information so i am not able to look further into it and let it go for good!

If she ever wants to be part of my life then it is her job to seek contact and not the other way round.

Hope you are all doing fine and keep your head up!

 

Face, good for you. That's showing some real inner strength. Any alcohol-induced contact would NOT be received well. Sounds like you are getting stronger each day. Keep it up. And if you stumble, hey we're all here.

[lakedaimonios]

Thank u very much for your reply!! Ok with her boyfriend before me and he was the first guy i think she had a relationship but not serious!! I mean she was then 17 and he was too!! they were together for about 1 and a half year my friend!! But for 9 months she had to study to pass to her college and they didnt see each other much often 1 or 2 days per week!! After she passed she and her ex boy went to her city with her grandparents 1 week for holidays and with some other friends of her and that thats all!!! ofc they were pretty close with each other but it was no serious i think!! I learnt from a friend that she was with him to spend time with someone and she stuck with him!!

Bob Told me days before something very curious and i want an opinion!!

One day (Bob,she,her ex boy,and a friend of bob) gathered in someone s place to watch a movie!! She was kissing with her boy and she was staring bobs friend!! Days later she said to Bob your friend is handsome guy

and she broke up with her boy for him!! They were 10 days together and he left her cause he was in love with his ex!! Her boy didnt know that move of hers only that for 10 days they were apart and he made his move and she returned back to him!!

I first met her in September by a mutual friend she said exactly the same thing( i thought u were handsome)! I met her in september(still with her ex)! For 2 months we had very low contact cause i new she was with this guy and i had other stuff to do...In November we both meet at a club she liked me i liked her and we both had contact almost every day for 6 weeks till she comes on December and we make it official!! She could try to ve other guy from the city she studies but she liked me!! She told me if something is worthy anything is possible!!!

 

 

Now her ex boy never knew about this move with Bobs friend! And he is immature cause he started talking with her ex and planed it so he go out with her and the next day with his ex!! My girl learned it and they broke up for sure!! In the club she told me she had just broken up 2 weeks ago and she was not in high mood but not also devastated!! By the time she came back she was healed i think cause she erased his foto but kept him in fb and he got rejected by her for me!!

 

They are not in contact anymore he is not shadow though he stills puts likes in some fotos songs and he had a new grilfriend last time i saw!!

 

Among all the bad things she said for me , 1 was like she said she had more fun with this guy than me they were going for coffee and had fun etc!!( Like we didnt have fun!! We were having fun all the time omg!!!)

Even to Eric she said worst stuff about me but now i am sure that Eric has the first place now and i think she might regret for leaving me for him!!

 

I dont know what the hell is going in her mind!!! I dont know what to believe any more but i think that alla these bad things she is saying for me she does not mean them!! I think she just does this to comfort her self about the break up she tries to lie to herself?!! When i mean serious i dont mean i would marry her, i mean i know what i want from a girl and i act with maturity towards her!! She is girl that she wants someone to spend her time and to say "hey i ve a boyfriend" or she is a woman and wants a serious person!! i dont know!! Do u suggest me to continue no contact or to send her just a tipical happy name day when that day comes??

 

 

I just want to see if she will miss me at all if everything was a lie or something existed!!

[sampson]

Thanks for replying. A few things tho. I ended it. I was tired of her lying to me, her friends, and family about what was really happening.

 

The cheating part: she cheated at 2yrs, 4yrs, and a few mths before.

I just found that out after the breakup but knew about the 4 year, I caught her. Suspected 2 year but thought it was just me. Let me be honest, if I wasnt working and recently in class or the gym, i was w her. Sad part we live 10 mins from each other and in 7 years maybe stayed with me 15 times. I was always comn to see her, at work, school, etc.

 

As for the marriag and checkn out: i dont see it. She was replanning it up until i broke it off. I do very much live her but when i step back objectively the way she treated me for abt 2yrs was awful. Yelling, getting irritated by everything, no compromise, etc. it wasnt until i caught her x2 sge said a word about not spending time together. But when she makes 0 effort to see me, its a justification. (How i see it). People spend time apart. Hell, we wpulda been hitched and living together so are we going to see each other too much?

 

Thank you for the response abt the rebound, I appreciate the explanation.

 

Reconciliation: i doubt shed even want to or cares since its my fault she did these things (according to her). Plus she needs time to grow fir gerself and latching in to another man isnt going to do that. So nowhere to go but up from here for me

 

I reiterate this. I very much still do love her and want her to be happy but she wont be unless she works on her. Ive been there, solves 0.

[BeenThere2]

I'm sorry but she sounds extremely unsure of what she wants and her actions are very immature and self-centered. I understand you have feelings for her, but you should take a step back and ask yourself if this is the kind of person you REALLY want in your life. Before you respond with "Yes of course I do!" please give it some thought. First, you have said more than once that she badmouths you to other people behind your back. To me that's horrible. The person you're with should support and defend you. Second, she openly cheated on one of her boyfriends and seems to feel no guilt or remorse. That's horrible too! What makes you think she wouldn't do that to you? Can you be so certain she HASN'T? Third she seems to be bouncing from guy to guy without rhyme or reason. This doesn't sound too promising to me. And these are just the things I know based on your two posts! I honestly think you need to step back for a bit and decide what you're fighting for and why. I know it's a tough thing to do when you think you love someone but you need to try.

 

Oh and I'm sorry, is "Happy Name Day" the same as a birthday? I never heard that term before. Regardless, considering how this girl has behaved, I'd advise you to let her go. But if you are eager to pursue her, send her a very simple message but be prepared for NOT getting what you are hoping to get. Good luck to you.