Idocsteve Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 They are so brainwashed by my stbx that neither one of them will talk to me? I moved out in December 2006. My elder daughter, now 15, visited me a few times in my apartment, until around February 2007. She called me once to scream at me because mommy was crying hysterically after receiving "papers that said I was trying to get custody of them". She hasn't spoken to me since. When I get her on the phone, she hangs up on me. Usually I just leave a message. I send presents on the holidays, for her birthday. I never receive a call back. I have sent letters, texts, emails. I call a few times a week, although I have been cutting back on that because it seems so futile and it's getting more difficult for me to make those calls. My younger daughter, now 11, refuses to speak to me as well. We were visiting with each other twice a week until the week of Father's day...she had been becoming more resistant...finally when I called one day she said "I know you are doing mean things to the family, and I don't want to see you". She has said to me that she "knows I am trying to cheat them", and they "will have to move because I don't give enough money". The stbx has accused me of sneaking around the marital residence at all hours of the night and peering in the windows...all untrue. But she tells the children this. My daughter has said that I am "stalking them". Now, the legal process has been moving along, the law guardian is aware of the situation, and recommendations were made that we undergo "family counseling". Therapeutic visitation will be advised because my children are so very angry at me now, due to the damage done to them by their mother. My stbx is resisting bring the children to counseling. She is doing everything possible to prevent a relationship between myself and my children. Note that there has never been abuse of any kind, nor are there any allegations to that effect. There are no orders prohibiting me from seeing my children. This could take years, if ever, to undo. I have, at least for now, lost both my children. Sometimes I feel like going over there, banging on the door and insist they see me. One member on here suggested I go to my younger daughter's school and take her out to lunch. That would be against her will, because she doesn't want to see me, and there would be a scene for sure, so I don't think that's a good idea. Anyone have any ideas as to what I can do? I have posted before, and I have received comments along the lines of "never give up on your girls". While I appreciate those comments, they really don't do me much good. Last week I was feeling really emotional, and I was looking at my younger daughter's picture. So I texted her...this is verbatim: "I was just looking at your picture on the wall of my apartment. Nikki, I miss you so much." A few hours later I got a text back. This was the first contact she had initiated in over six weeks. It simply said "Like I care". So, it's not easy.... Link to comment
LostInMyThoughts Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 It sounds like your kids are hurt by you moving out, and because they are young they don't know how to express this hurt. Your stbx is obviously taking out her hurt by turning the kids against you. Don't go pounding on their door and demand to see them. When it comes time for divorce hearing that kinda crap will get spun to make you looking like a violent jerk. Definitely don't show up to your kids school; that will make all kinds of a mess. I think what you can do, is to not give up on your kids--dont let things like "Like I care" stop you from taking every chance to tell the kids how much you love them, and how much you miss them. At some point they'll figure out what's going on. Also take heart in knowing that 15 year old girls always fight with thier moms--she'll be running back to you eventually. Do you ever bring up these issues in family counseling? Talk about why the kids have this animosity towards you? Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 Do you ever bring up these issues in family counseling? Talk about why the kids have this animosity towards you? Family counseling was ordered by the court a week or so ago. The day it was ordered I called and made an appointment. My stbx called me and said it's not up to me to make the appointments, that she will do it. She won't..she will stall as long as she can. I spoke to my attorney earlier, who contacted the law guardian to explain the situation. It may take an emergency court order to get those kids into counseling. The law guardian is aware of the fact that the children are being influenced, especially my 11 year old who I saw regularly up til about 2 months ago..and then turned on a dime and now has an incredible amount of anger towards me. Things just move so slowly...and the days and months are slipping by. My youngest especially, needs me more now than ever. It's extremely frustrating. Link to comment
PeanutButter Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 plainly, your ex is talking BIG TIME SMACK ABOUT YOU to the children. shes telling them lies and saying its all your fault. shes putting all the blame on you and saying hateful things. shes making you the bad person in this entire thing. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Steve, may I ask why you left your wife? The reasons why you left might be why your daughters feel anger towards you. It could also be that they have no idea why you left and to them it might seem as if you just suddenly decided one day that your family isn't good enough for you. I'm not saying that is true but to a child's point of view, that's what they might be thinking. Have you ever talked to your children and told them the truth of why you and your ex got divorced? Maybe by telling them the real situation they can have a better understanding of the situation and see your side of the story. Link to comment
whodathunk Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Send them cards, letters, postcards - two or three a times a week even. Each addressed individually. You do not have to put much into each, just "Thinking of you", or "Heard a funny joke today..". Your ex will throw some out unread or they will throw some out, but some will get through, curiosity will win out. They'll get older and they'll see through what's happening now, but I'll bet they save the cards, and they'll remember how hard you tried to stay in contact. Plus you're not putting them on the spot. Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 Steve, may I ask why you left your wife? There was no infidelity. She was dishonest with me about her excessive spending habits, the past year or two I sort of lost my feelings for her and wasn't very attentive or affectionate towards her...her friends suggested I might be having an affair (which I wasn't)...she got very emotional after her sister died and I wasn't very supportive like I should have been...we started fighting a lot about literally everything...the atmosphere was always tense..it just got worse and worse. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I think that your kids are acting out on anger. I am sure you are not painted in a positive light by your ex, but your leaving, no matter the reason, looks like you ran out on them in your kids eyes. All they know is you left their mom. I won't get into the reasons why if you were wrong or she was, none of my business, but to the kids, you left them. You broke their family circle. That is huge to kids ... and they are at the age to be getting into that rebellious stage anyway. Double whammy. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Hmm...now I have a better picture of why there is so much anger. I'm sure your ex is very angry with you about the last couple years of your marriage and is taking her anger out through your children. It's easier for children to relate to the parent they see everyday and the emotions they go through. Crying and saying what a bad husband/cheater you are day-in and day-out in front of your children, is bound to have an affect. Your children's anger might be a way of protecting their mother from more hurt. I guess what I'm saying is that they might feel as if they are abandoning their mother by being with you and loving you. So they have decided to take their mother's side because of all the one-sided info that their mother has fed them. Counselling is probably the best way to go since they would more likely to believe you with a non-bias counsellor meditating the conflict. Even if your ex is resistant, you have to keep trying for the sake of your children. I'm sorry, I wish I had better advice. But please keep posting because I can just imagine how frustrating and upsetting this might all be for you and we're always here to lend a listening and compassionate ear. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Idocsteve, I do have one question, if I may. Did you try to obtain legal custody of your kids? It seems like a small issue but might have upset your very emotional wife who vented to them. Legally, she may not be able to do this. If you did try to win custody, for whatever reasons, the children may have felt like pawns being pushed around. Do you know in fact that your wife did berate you to the children before? Even if she did not, the kids and her maybe be doing that now. John Link to comment
Idocsteve Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 Idocsteve, I do have one question, if I may. Did you try to obtain legal custody of your kids? It seems like a small issue but might have upset your very emotional wife who vented to them. Legally, she may not be able to do this. John We are early in the divorce process. We haven't yet gotten to the point of a custody fight. But when divorce papers were exchanged, we both asked for "sole custody", which is apparently the typical first salvo exchanged. She got hysterical when she saw me asking for full custody, and thats when my older daughter called me and said that I will "never take them away from their mom". There's no doubt she is sharing legal information with them, and we made a motion that she is to cease this behavior, which the judge approved. But is that going to stop her? Probably not... Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Well i hope things work out for you idocsteve. This is a tough situation. These are oung kids are experiencing heavy duty adult like emotions, but because they are not adults they are not going to always look at this sort of thing objectively or fairly in your favor. They are at the age where they Like i said before, they are angry that their status quo was shook, and you were the person in their eyes that shook it. In time they will come around. I really believe that. Try to not let them witness angry knock down drag out conversations with your ex wife. That won't help. They naturally see her as the victim beecause you left her. They can't really think about "well maybe there were things that led to this". They may be growing up but still not adults. As hard as this is for you right now, and i know it is, just remember it is even harder on them. They are the innocent bystanders. Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 That's how it was in my family. When my parents got divorced when I was 3, they gave me to my dad and my younger brother to my mom. As we got older, my mom pretty much brainwashed him. Now, my brother hates my dad and hasn't talked to him in a while. What your ex is doing is pretty damn childish and irresponsible. When you do get to the custody battle point. Get the kids.. Your ex is obviously not a good mother if she'll sink that low. Link to comment
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