could use some advice

[gravity]

I started seeing a woman (I'll call her Anne) from work about two months ago, it stated with innocent flirting until I finally got the nerve to ask her out.

After a few dates later we were on my couch watching a movie, cuddling and kissing when she suddenly got serious. She told me she enjoyed what we had, but that she wasn't interested in a serious relationship and she didn't want anybody at work to find out that we were anything more than friends because she doesn't want her ex (henceforth known as Paul) to know she is seeing anyone. Hes a pretty intense guy and likely to get jealous. He works in the next building over from us and knows many of our co-workers. they have 2 kids together from when they were engaged over 5 years ago. She is 27 I'm 21, and love kids and don't care that they are Paul's.

Paul recently broke up with his girlfriend and has made it clear to Anne that he is interested in getting back together. however she has told me that she has no wish for this to happen, although they remain friends. Paul sometimes sleeps at her place because he lives outside of town, i usually know when because when he is spending the night i have to say goodbye to Anne about a block from her house.

Despite the fact that Anne claims she doesn't want a serious relationship with me, we still go out together about 2-3 times a week (when she doesn't have the kids), and afterwards she usually spends most of the night at my place(never hers). I say "most of" because she usually leaves between 2-6 am to go back to her place, sometimes after getting a text message from Paul (I know this because whenever he contacts her i can see it in her face).

I know that having kids and an intense ex like Paul can be stressful and I like this girl but I can't help feeling like she isn't being honest with me about her relationship with Paul, or her relationship with me!

 

Please help me I'm confused!

[DN]

Welcome to eNotALone.

 

Whatever it is that is going on it is too problematical for you to be involved with her - I think you should cut her loose and find some emotionally and romantically available. I don't think she is.

[ghost69]

wow, you are nuts to be in this situation. it's almost like she is ashamed to be with you, but it's okay for paul to be all over her. staying at her place when he needs to and you can't be over? weird man. i couldn't do this. too many 'ifs' and 'wths' here. sounds like she enjoys your company when it's convenient for her. she gets you without being attached. like she is in a torn decision. you should reevaluate what you want from this girl.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I don't think she is being dishonest. She was upfront with you from the start: she does not want a serious relationship, and she has her reasons. Personally that shows she his mature and has respect for you, not to lead you on.

 

That said, you need to decide if this is something you can do. Can you live with being FWB, or do you want more? Obviously at this point, she is not ready for more.

 

This could be her way of seeing if you can respect her desire to keep things light and fun. Later on, she could change her feelings and want something more.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would keep things easy going, and go out and see other women, just so you don't obsess over this one.

[Idocsteve]

wow, you are nuts to be in this situation.

 

Yes, you are nuts to be in this situation.

 

You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. She is in no way over her ex. All of those interactions between them...him texting her and her reaction, him staying over, her concern over his jealousy.

 

Don't take it personally. She may be lying herself, not only to you. Denial is strong stuff.

[gravity]

Thanks for the comments everyone. you're already helping me think about this more critically.

 

While they do have many interactions with each other even after all this time, i would say that is to be expected when you have kids with someone. usually when he contacts her about something else she tends to be very curt with him. even other people have commented to me about how she really "puts him in his place"

[Idocsteve]

Thanks for the comments everyone. you're already helping me think about this more critically.

 

While they do have many interactions with each other even after all this time, i would say that is to be expected when you have kids with someone. usually when he contacts her about something else she tends to be very curt with him. even other people have commented to me about how she really "puts him in his place"

 

Stop it. Please. I just threw up a bit in my mouth and swallowed it back down when I read that.

[TakingtheBlame]

Hm...call me old fashioned, but if she's 27 (not to mention a mother of 2) she's probably thinking you're young and easy to manipulate. She basically needs someone around to make her feel attractive and to keep her company when she's feeling low (i.e. when the ex isn't around). I think it's a total power trip. Don't let her use you like that; stop trying to justify her actions and move on.

[Idocsteve]

Don't let her use you like that; stop trying to justify her actions and move on.

 

Good advice, but wasted. The OP is too far into the denial stage on this one. If he walked in on them fu*king, he would probably think they are just doing it for "the sake of the children".

[TakingtheBlame]

Eh, I thought the whole age-difference dimension might add some credibility to that advice, that perhaps the advice alone in a vacuum could not. I suppose we shall see.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Good advice, but wasted. The OP is too far into the denial stage on this one. If he walked in on them fu*king, he would probably think they are just doing it for "the sake of the children".

 

I think you need to tone it down there buddy.

 

ENA isn't a place for starting flamewars.

 

The OP asked a question. Either stick to the topic or refrain from posting. Your side comments aren't appreciated here.

[bexcelant]

I think you need to tone it down there buddy.

 

ENA isn't a place for starting flamewars.

 

The OP asked a question. Either stick to the topic or refrain from posting. Your side comments aren't appreciated here.

 

 

Agreed but I also think lost made an interesting point. How does he know that while the Ex is sleeping over that the Ex isn't getting the benefits of her physically while she doesn't commit to either one of you. Sounds to me like she's having her cake and eating it too. She can string you both along and if she wants, she can have sex with the one or both of you while keeping herself in the clear. Maybe what she gets from the OP is the emotional aspect and from the other the physical.

[LostInMyThoughts]

It sounded like from the "cuddling and kissing" comment that she was more interested in getting physical with the OP, but did not want the emotional attachments. Perhaps I read wrong.

[TijuanaJones]

Yeah dude, she is using you. Even though she may say she is not interested in getting back with him, her actions say another story. Then he sleeps at her place... You are her crutch. She feels good about having you when she pleases.

 

I'd say you call it off and stop seeing her for things that are not work-related.

[ghost69]

Hm...call me old fashioned, but if she's 27 (not to mention a mother of 2) she's probably thinking you're young and easy to manipulate. She basically needs someone around to make her feel attractive and to keep her company when she's feeling low (i.e. when the ex isn't around). I think it's a total power trip. Don't let her use you like that; stop trying to justify her actions and move on.

 

i think this advice is very sound and perfect for this OP.

[Idocsteve]

Your side comments aren't appreciated here.

 

Not appreciated by YOU. Don't speak for anyone else. The OP needs a harsh dose of reality. And I'm dispensing it.