Looking for some explanation...

[brokedownpalace]

happiness is always around us even if at the moment we cant see it.

 

Life is always moving forward.. you can sit in your sorrow or be excited about what life is going to bring you.

 

You will find it.

 

Whether with your ex, or someone else.. you will find the peace you are looking for.

[whodathunk]

Fix it? Fix what?

 

Maybe fix it is the wrong word. My sense is that the avalanche that we all have to live in now started as a snowball at the top of the hill. I think rather than admit to herself she had made a mistake, she went completely in the other direction and has worked overtime to convince herself and everyone around her that what she did was right and justifiable and inevitable.

 

I wish sometimes that I could go back in time and talk to her before this all began. To say "Hey, this thing you're about to do? - please don't do it. Talk to me, I know we've been through a tough year, how can we prevent you from doing this? How can we make sure we're both happy here?"

 

The person that I could have talked to back then is gone. Now there is only this cold stranger.

 

To Jaded Star's point, some marriages are just a loveless grind and should end. But ours just wasn't, it really wasn't. When it was good it was really, really good (and yes when it was bad it could be awful), but it wasn't some dried out husk.

 

It makes me feel tired even typing this though, to the points others have made, you can only look forward and to endlessly mull over the past and 'what might have been' serves no real purpose.

 

Thanks for the replies!

[JadedStar]

To Jaded Star's point, some marriages are just a loveless grind and should end. But ours just wasn't, it really wasn't. When it was good it was really, really good (and yes when it was bad it could be awful), but it wasn't some dried out husk.

 

Not trying to make you feel bad, but often one member of the marriage thinks tihs and the other deep down inside is not fulfilled and doesn't express it. I don't think anyone walks away from a really happy marriage ... there are usually underlying issues the other partner just didn't know about a lot of the time.

[Tigger67]

Again, Whodathunk, I can't help but relate to you and your situation. There are so many feelings and thoughts that I see you struggling with, that it is almost scary how close this hits to home!

I too felt that my X worked very hard at convincing herself, her family and friends, that both I, and our marriage, were 'horrible' thus justifying her walking away. Both of our families were extremely close, and we all got along wonderfully. This past July my mother passed away. I received a sympathy card from a church in the town that I just moved to in May (I have never attended this church!), a cousin of my father's that I have not seen or had contact with for about 18 years, and my bank (!). Not a word from her family. People I have known and loved for 20 years. A ministerial family to boot! I don't believe my father heard anything from them either. It makes one wonder how big of a case she presented in order to rationalize her leaving.

And I too wished for that time machine that would take me back to what I perceived to be that 'pivotal' moment of the beginning of the end, and just had said something else or walked away, or whatever...then everything would be just fine. The truth is, it wasn't a 'pivotal' moment--it was the 'opportune' moment. It was that something that she could then finally use and justify everything with. And if it hadn't been that moment, it would have been some other one down the road.

My marriage was a good, loving marriage as well--to me anyway. Rational thinking does not come into play here. She is convinced that it was bad, and that is what keeps her going. I was told that things had been 'bad' for about three years prior to the divorce. Then why did we (her idea) start a business together 6 months before our divorce? Why, when I told her that I was selling our farmstead (10 acres, hobby farm), say "I wanted to do that years ago, but you wouldn't listen to me!" Yet she bought two horses last year!? Doesn't exactly scream "I want to move!" when you buy two horses! Did she plan on taking them with her to her apartment?! Rational thinking is not going on here, and there is no sense in beating yourself up worrying about what you did or didn't do. She will be 'the cold stranger'. She may thaw some, but highly unlikely at this time. My best advice is to put on the parka and don't get frost-bitten!

Again, I feel for you. This is going to be tough, but you can get through it. Not as quickly as you would like to, but you can! I wish you all the best!

[surfjon]

Whoda...........

 

I generally agree with many of John B's comments as it relates to these types of wives who abandon relationships.

 

I'm fairly sure mine planned it for a couple years. As a very successful business owner, she took what seemed to me, a very small salary.

 

In retrospect, I wonder how much money she stashed away before walking.

Her company now pays for everything, apartment, power, phone, all the new furniture, the car.

 

She had been planning the dump, and used me and my alleged behaviors as the fulcrum and the justification. I am the scapegoat.

 

They also conveniently enhance the negative aspects, and diminish or completely bury what was positive to make it easier for them to move on.

 

I hate her for what she did to me, the place she forced me into. Maybe she's happy but I don't care. I wasted 21 years of my life with her. She left and she's gone and that's where I leave her.

 

gone.

[John Bendix]

There is alot here that I wish to comment about.

 

Surfjon- Your hate of her will not bring you anything constructive. It is a emotional reaction that cannot cause you anything but more pain. It is not her but you causing that pain in reaction to what she has done. I am not suggesting hate but it seems it would be better to direct your attention and your reactions to what she has done than with her. Realizing this, you can see these emotions as your reactions without identifying her with them. You might just end the needless cycle of suffering.

 

Tigger- I emphasize with the plight of your family issues. I have also lost a lot of friends and family on the other side due to my X's bashing of me. Again, your are right in sumizing the justification of her actions for the reason to bash me to her friends and family. How could she have walked out on her husband and kids if I was a decent man? She could never live with the possibility of them thinking bad about her and her actions. In thier misguided, covert planning to leave, they have set this up.

 

The "You weren't listening to what I have said", or "What should I have to tell you? If you cared about me and wanted to be close to me, you should already know", are just a rationale used by many in these circumstances. It was not open communication that was used by usually relationship manuvers that we were not picking up on to their dismay.

 

JadedStar- I am not judging you, so not take offense but the whole I have "just fallen out of love" scenario, I just do not buy it. Some of the therapists that I interviewed have even told the partner who puts this forth that they see it a cop out for other emotional issues. If the love you feel for someone is based on egoic need (as most are), then when those needs are not fulfilled orsustained (as they usually are not), that feeling is also no longer present. 20+ years of an intimate relationship yields a connection with someone. That connection is the real love. The connection, usually due to communication skills, may be strained but that can be renewed and even made better.

 

You may no longer love your life situation as it is but that can be remedied. If you are unhappy it is your decision to be unhappy. It is a fleeting emotion anyway and can be changed (and usually flip-flops) to happiness. Happy/unhappy are emotional reactions to our perceived state of our life situation. Emotions are a not state of being or a part of us as most of us choose to believe. What may have brought us happiness ten minutes ago can bring us extraordinary misery right now especially in dealing with the highly emotional state of intimate relationships.

 

If we search for happiness or fulfillment from our relationship, that is an expectation doomed for disappointment. When we are looking for relationships to "make" (as if we have no choice in the matter as the word implies) us happy or feel fulfilled, we have set ourselves up for suffering. We are coveting emotions that can not be sustained for they are temporary in nature. Accepting what is right now frees us of the egoic need for us to have things the way we want them and other than they are. Upon this acceptance, you can begin to deal with them in an effective manner. It you do not accept them, you do not have to deal with them and can rationalize them away. This is dysfunctional and will lead to more suffering.

 

Becc- I love the part about the tools. Excellant. The tools are there but they choose not to use them. This will likely continue in all of their relationships.

 

John

[whodathunk]

It is just amazing to me how formulaic it all is. You think that your situation is this utterly unique product of individuals and personal situations and yet as proven here, there must be some sort of scripted handbook out there.

 

To echo Tigger, one further jaw-dropping aspect of all this has been the bizarre "broken clock" reaction of family and friends. My mother-in-law's (to whom I thought I was very close) response to all this was to immediately buy my wife her own house in full and drop all contact with me. Her husband, my father-in-law, died a couple of years ago and he was one of my best friends. I poured myself into helping the family through that time, she told me I was "her rock". ...So much for that.

 

And my own friends, good friends, Don't Want To Talk About It. "You hanging in there? OK, well let's talk about sports, work, politics, buy you a beer?, lets go see a movie, whatever you do don't say one word about what you're going through or I will immediately change the subject".

 

Even my own father, who is this kind of sweet, intelligent, straight-laced guy... his initial repsonse was "Let's get drunk. Let's get really, really drunk".

 

It is through the looking glass.

 

The combination of my wife's utter rejection of the reality I thought I was living in, coupled with everyone else's either 1) Disappearance off the earth or 2) Insistance that I treat this as the emotional equivalent of losing a super bowl bet...

 

If it wasn't for this site I would think that I have completely lost my mind.... and there are three children in the middle of all this.

 

I talk to the kids about what's going on a lot - how you doing, how you feeling about things, anything I can do to help make it easier, I get sad too.... I recently went further and asked my oldest "So what do other people say to you about all this?" She said, "No one else ever says anything at all to us about it".

 

What is up with that?

[JadedStar]

JadedStar- I am not judging you, so not take offense but the whole I have "just fallen out of love" scenario, I just do not buy it. Some of the therapists that I interviewed have even told the partner who puts this forth that they see it a cop out for other emotional issues. If the love you feel for someone is based on egoic need (as most are), then when those needs are not fulfilled orsustained (as they usually are not), that feeling is also no longer present. 20+ years of an intimate relationship yields a connection with someone. That connection is the real love. The connection, usually due to communication skills, may be strained but that can be renewed and even made better.

 

Sorry, but it happens. especially when a couple is grossly incompatible. I was with my ex husband 17 years, so no one can tell me I didn't try very hard.

 

There were many things he did that led to that falling out of love, but I am not going into all of them. No, he didn't cheat on me, but that isn't the only thing that causes a marriage to fail.

 

We had and still have a connection. But it is an altruistic feeling. There is nothing at all romantic about it, and sorry, no one will tell me that just becasue you were with someone a long time that romantic love is going to come back if it is gone gone gone. Remidns me of the movie with danny devito and bette midler, i can't remember the name, but where he disgustingly says "i hate the way she licks stamps". Sometimes there gets to a point that everything that person does riles something inside of you.

 

I can emphatically tell you that I stayed in that situation probably a decade too long. Yes, you do fall out of love sometimes.

 

I know being left hurts. I have been on the other side of it. It is awful. But i also know that we can't hold people against their will, and yes, sometimes divorce is the best thign that can happen. Everyone deserves to live their life the way they want it, and sometimes you have to move on from a relationship.

 

it would be very unhealthy to think people have to stay in relationships that are stale, unfulfilling and unhappy just because we never want to hurt someone's feelings. I can promise you all that as much as i love my current husband, if he ever feels about me like i felt about my ex, I hope he is loving enough to leave me so we can both move forward with our lives and find a better match.

[Tigger67]

Whodathunk.

It is very odd that you mentioned a 'scripted handbook' in your last post! I have a dear highschool friend that has been a strong support for me throughout my whole ordeal, and this June she called me and said that her husband of 10 years had just walked out on her and their 2 young kids. We talked for a long time and compared notes, and discovered very similar conversations, excuses, scenarios, actions, etc. etc., between our situations, and I said that there must be a manual or website out there that explains in depth how to leave your spouse. I then imagined what the chapter sections would be and I came up with these.

Chapter One: How to Blindside

Chapter Two: "It's Not Me, It's You"

Chapter Three: How To Forget About the Past and the Future, and Just Concern Yourself With How You Feel and What You Want.

Chapter Four: The Fine Art of Avoidance

Chapter Five: "I Need My Space to Figure Myself Out". How to Use This as an Excuse and Then How to Go About Not Doing It.

Chapter Six: Surviving on a Body Temperature of -20 Degrees

Chapter Seven: Waffling

 

Anyway, just needed to laugh a little which sometimes helps a lot. Maybe there's a website out there called 'ewannabealone' ?

You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

 

Hang in there!

[surfjon]

HAH!!

I like those chapter names!

 

Pretty on-target.

[whodathunk]

LOL Tigger, but what to title it?

 

"My Unhappiness... Your Fault"

 

"Let's Reinvent History!"

 

"I'm OK, You're an Irredeemable Monster"

 

"The RMS Titanic Guide to Problem Solving"

 

"But I want an Ooompa Loompa and I want one NOW! The Veruca Salt Method to a Better Life"

 

"Its my World, You Just Live in It"

[Tigger67]

Or...

"Implicate, Vindicate, Litigate---How to Score the Perfect Walkaway Hat-Trick"

[John Bendix]

The losing of friends is something that I just recently wrote about on my own Yahoo group. I have lost most of my firends. Not just the married ones who do not invite me to their social events anymore but ones that I had before I even met my X.

 

They seem do not to want to deal with the bizarre circimstances in which I was involved. It may be too much for them to comprehend (tell me about it) and acccept. Many told me over and over to just talk to her about it. I could not expalin to them how impossible that was.

 

The part of the "scripted scenario" of the walkaway phenomenon is reason that made me write my book on the subject. I am trying to let everyone know that the dynamic is out there,no matter how irratonal it seems. My lawyer says that he deals with irrational nature of it everyday. The judge even knew about and dealt with in the manner it should have been.

 

Michele Weiner-Davis describes this dynamic in her book, "The Divorce Remedy", and on her website, link removed. She has written acticles, mentioned all over the web, on the Walkaway Wife".

 

John