Dumpers don't suffer at all?? anything at all?!?!?

[audrey]

It's just a question and i wanna know if they don't feel any pain or feel guilty for hurting that person they said they loved so much. If it's like that... is very unfair!

 

But I'm sure life will make them pay the bill sonner or later, braking up with my ex costed him more than 1000 euros, he started paying then

 

Life isn't so unfair after all

 

thanks 4 ur posts in advance.

[Worried and sore]

i cried for days on end when i broke up with my ex.... its just had to be done i had to leave him things werent getting better but i loved him so much... i eventually got over it lol

[Soulhi123]

Well I still FEEL its unfair! hehe...My ex (dumper) I bet already has a new BF thats more accommodating for her new lifestyle (new work). Yep, I did the grunt work driving her everywhere and as soon as her life started to zip she zipped right outa my life~ Booooo he..he...=(

[servedcold]

The dumper lost one of the most precious things they could ever lose... you. Think about that.

[renaissancewoman101]

I dunno. I've never been the dumper.

 

Most times they just go on their merry little way and you are left behind to pick up the pieces of your life, as best you can.

[Gath]

It's just a question and i wanna know if they don't feel any pain or feel guilty for hurting that person they said they loved so much. If it's like that... is very unfair!

 

But I'm sure life will make them pay the bill sonner or later, braking up with my ex costed him more than 1000 euros, he started paying then

 

Life isn't so unfair after all

 

thanks 4 ur posts in advance.

 

Of course they hurt (well some do anyway). And sometimes the pain is the reason they break up because things just aren't working for them.

[barbielovesmac]

I agree with Gath. Yes of course they hurt, but not all of em.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend. It was the hardest thing to do. I felt so hurt, sick and alone after I broke up with him. I felt so guilty. I cried for days.

 

So yes 'dumpers' hurt.

[bear12]

well, i think, too, that sometimes the periods of greiving are different. i mean in most break ups- at least ones of longer term/more serious relationsihps, the dumper is contemplating a break up for a while before the actual event occurs... so they've had a lot of time to think and adjust and a lot of the sad part probably comes before the actual break up when they are coming to the realization that it's the best thing to do. so by teh time they break up with you, they're already a few steps ahead of the dumpee... if that makes any sense....

[Hearts]

I have asked the same question a few days ago but seems people didn't see my post.

Anyway I was wondering the answer of this question for a while.

I have never been the dumper, but I tempted a few times which were unsuccessful as you can guess, cause I was feeling so sad for him when I try to bring up something like that, he was all sounding sad so I stayed, I know a big mistake, and as he found a way out he did it without thinking twice and went away which hurt me a lot after all those.

 

I have never been the dumper but since I tempted and failed because of my own feeling guilt and such, I think dumpers capable of feeling guilt and sadness after it.

[JCLEE]

well, i think, too, that sometimes the periods of greiving are different. i mean in most break ups- at least ones of longer term/more serious relationsihps, the dumper is contemplating a break up for a while before the actual event occurs... so they've had a lot of time to think and adjust and a lot of the sad part probably comes before the actual break up when they are coming to the realization that it's the best thing to do. so by teh time they break up with you, they're already a few steps ahead of the dumpee... if that makes any sense....

 

yeah, i kinda think my ex had something in mind and thought of breaking up with me before he took an action. Until now, i am still kinda shocked and i would never forget the scene when he left. It really damaged me.

[benga]

but I'd feel like I let myself down, and I'd have a lot of explaining to do to my friends and family who keep reassuring me I did the right thing.

 

 

Could you elaborate this one please? Were you in the relationship for the sake of the relationship? What difference does it make what people think? If you are the one who took the decision, why would you need reassurance? We all know how damaging that can be...

 

Do elaborate your thoughts on this please... thanks

 

Benga

[renaissancewoman101]

FormerlyPrecarious, if you are feeling that way, maybe you SHOULD rethink your decision about dumping your ex.

[love4life]

I've been the dumper twice and the dumpee twice.

 

My two situations as the dumper were very different. In the first one, the relationship was long-distance (he was in Bahrain, I was here), and over the course of several months it became clear that I was putting in more effort to keep the lines of communication open. When finally our one-year anniversary came and went without ANYTHING from him (no call or email, and he had promised he would do something), I'd had it. I called him up two days later and broke it off. It was heartbreaking, because I was head over heels for him, but it had to be done.

 

In the second situation, the relationship never felt quite right to me - I had the "Something's not right" reason for dumping him. Part of it was because of him, and part of it was because of me. I felt we just didn't gel. So the couple times I broke up with him, he was devastated but, honestly, I felt nothing but relief because I knew it was a bad situation.

 

And here's where karma has kicked me in the a**! I just got dumped and the first thing out of his mouth was "Something's missing". I went numb and all I could think about was ex #2. I had always thought ex #2 was just in denial and trying to force his feelings; now I realize that he wasn't - he truly loved me and I just didn't love him in the same way. My most recent ex told me he felt "free" after dumping me. And it hurts like hell!

[renaissancewoman101]

Why do relationships have to end?

 

Stuff like this makes me so leery of ever getting into a relationship with someone again. When it's great, you are flying high, but when it's over, it's like the depths of hell, all over again.

[mercyplz]

sometimes you can never guess or imagine it. one more moment they say how much they loved you and the next day they started treating you coldly and end in brekaing up. i had an ex who just dumped me and ignored me that afterwards. so i could say she didnt felt any guilt or was hurt.

[LFG]

Renaissancewoman101 - relationships end because EVERYTHING in life ends. Even if the two never break up, at some point one of the two will die. Of course the love the two of them shared won't go away with the one who passed away, but still, the relationship is over. This is the hardest thing to accept in a breakup - the fact that we had a loss. Even if the relationship was bad, we still have to deal with the loss.

 

Regarding whether or not dumpers suffer, it really varies by person and situation. In general, I'd say that even if they suffer, it's nothing compared to what the one left behind feels. As such, even if they suffer from grief or guilt, the feeling usually goes away pretty fast. Yes, it sucks to be on the receiving end, but we signed up for that risk when we chose to enter into a romantic relationship with someone else.

 

LFG

[salsabrosa]

So yes, I would say "dumpers" can very likely feel tremendous suffering. It all depends very much on the situation.

 

I completely agree with you. It definitely depends on the reasons for the breakup and how the relationship ended.

 

I ended our relationship, but I still love him. He was my best friend...so having to hurt him, hurt me as well. I can relate a lot to your feelings FormerlyPrecarious. I still doubt myself every day.

[audrey]

sometimes you can never guess or imagine it. one more moment they say how much they loved you and the next day they started treating you coldly and end in brekaing up. i had an ex who just dumped me and ignored me that afterwards. so i could say she didnt felt any guilt or was hurt.

 

That's totally true Mercyplz. Till now i wonder how come he could treat as his princess as he did all the time since we met. Why he wasn't cold?? why he didn't stop calling me everyday?? why didn't quit being so sweet to me?? why he bought his ticket to come to see me?? why he didn't give me a sign so i just could had been expecting what was about to come ?? WHY??

 

He didn't respect the relationship, i was faithful to it even with my mind, he lost. Thanks god i has the courage and the determination to end it, cause i said it's over. It's hard but i would be unhappy with him.

 

thanks buddies!

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

yes they feel remorse they just have another person too share it with is all...........

[EricAK]

Audrey,

 

We suffer. I was the dumper in my last relationship (the one that brought me here to ENA.)

 

There were very bad circumstances surrounding why I had to be the dumper, but it is maybe even more difficult for me as the dumper. I now have to wonder what if I had stayed, what if I had worked harder etc... So yes, we have hard times too.

 

Granted, I HAD to dump her. Too long to rehash, but we suffer as well.

 

Eric

[greenmonster]

6 months later and I still feel bad...

 

I've been on both ends of broken hearts and its no fun for either side...

 

I felt like I was complete trash for making her hurt...but I knew that long run it was for the best...

 

if you are an emotionally functional human being you always feel pain

[Optigan]

So yes, I would say "dumpers" can very likely feel tremendous suffering. It all depends very much on the situation.

 

Certainly, especially the people involved, in this case the dumper, ie you. You are a responsible person.

 

When we're not in contact, we usually never know; and wanting to tell us dumpees how they feel is probably furthest from the dumper's minds. So it's really, really hard to tell. We can see some tears during the last meetings, but it's easy to forget that many people cry their urethrae (is that a word?) over stupid cheesy movies. I had one girl I'm pretty sure never ever shed a tear out of sadness for me; watching Titanic, however, she flooded the theatre.

 

Perhaps I'm too anal about these things. This last one did cry alright here and there, but when I last saw her - her place, my initiative - she was the Ice Princess. You know that feeling when they almost seem to be making a point of not giving a damn? It was that all the way.

 

So we're sitting pretty much on the opposite ends of the room, me a tense yet wobbly mess, her the Ice Queen. At one point she said something that literally broke my heart ion a million of pieces - you could almost hear that sound. I don't think I had ever wept that hard in my life.

 

She calmly offered me a handkerchief, which I accepted.

 

What, you may wonder, is this little anecdote actually doing here? Well it's just something I remember. I haven't had many similar situations in my life, but there is a feel to it that almost seems archetypal.

 

It's been a few months now and I am almost certain that she does not give a damn whatsoever, and hasn't been for months. I guess it's some childish determination that is largely due to the support she has in her safety net. Safety net shmamfhetty shmnfett. Nobody, and I mean nobody, who has great improtance in that net was not in anything even remotely resembling a committed, healthy, long term relationship - her mom included - at the time of our breakup.But that's a bit besides the point, perhaps.

 

The point is, not everyone is responsible, or even capable of treating the ex as a human being. The way I see it - she gained strength through dehumanizing me (doormatizing me, so to speak), having taken all the she knew how to take. Of course these were not her original intension, and of course it does not excuse me from being partly responsible for letting it come to this.

 

But still.

[bubblyblonde11]

Some do some don't IMO, with my ex ex I dumped him, it was such a refielf as it took 11months after we split to move out from each other I had done all my feeling stuff in that time.

 

The last ex, I donno and am trying not to care too much, but secretly wish he suffered a little as I suffered alot during and after.

[andy5128]

Been the dumper and dumpee so got both t-shirts...

 

When dumping some I did suffer, some I didn't if being honest here...

 

So I guess it depends how much your heart was in it....

 

As I am on here for being the dumpee... right now I don't give a rats wotsit if she suffered or not... What's done is done.. Why worry about it...

 

Andy