Very much need male point of view on this as well

[everythingchanges456]

Please see my previous thread for background. I am grateful for the female opinions I get on here...very....however, I'm very curious to get some male perspectives.

 

If you, as a male, have called a woman about 8 or 9 times in the two weeks since you met her and texts as well. Had her over your house twice for great and interesting getting to know you conversation...as well as kissing/cuddling (no sex)...is this how you treat someone you are NOT interested in dating and only want to hook up with?

 

I am back and forth but tend to think it's just taking it at his pace. Though, when the entire holiday weekend he coudn't plan a date with me I feel like he's not excited to see and get to know me.

 

I look to my friends and this board for advice. Some of my friends had felt that there was nothing wrong with my going over there to talk...and that he was wanting to see me and they thought it was sweet that he called. They too don't understand why he hasn't asked me out. They suggested asking him...

 

Instead I made it clear when I saw him Friday night that I would like him to take me out on a date and that although I a very attracted to him and enjoy spending time with him at this house I want the opportunity to get to know him better.

 

When he called last night I said so when am I going to see you again. He said um, I don't know I leave tomorrow and I get back on Monday afternoon some time so I'll call you on Monday afternoon when I get back.

[Day_Walker]

If you are only going to his house and not hanging out with him in other places then it would appear that he wants to hook up. If a guy is only committed to hooking up with a girl then how much he calls and what he does in order to hook up with her cannot be used to determine if he is interested in her because he is interested in her for the purpose of hooking up. If he is willing to do more than you going to his house then he may be interested in more than hooking up.

[everythingchanges456]

so far in the two weeks we've known eachother i've seen him twice...the first week he was away then saturday we were on the phone and i asked to come over to see him....you know i just realized...that night he said okay well what's near you that we could go to...he said he doesn't want to go somewhere loud where we can't keep talking and i said i'll just come to your house and meet you and if you have to drop by to drop things off to your friend i'll take a drive with you but then we just wound up at his house. then during the week we only spoke on the phone but he did invite me over for drinks n hottub and then cancel later realizing he didn't want to be up late on a work night....then friday on our separate ways home from friends he invited me to stop by on my way home.

 

ugh...maybe i should have let him go with the idea of meeting somewhere (he actually was going to pick me up) that first night....maybe i gave a bad impression or maybe i'm over analyzing. i guess we'll see ugh

[Lana0120]

Maybe he does just genuinely want to sit and talk with you, without distractions. It's a tricky one. He's definitely interested in you and he's making an effort even though he's busy which is a good sign, however, he doesn't sound 100 per cent committed.

[everythingchanges456]

i felt like he was definitely interested in me to by things that he says...tho he's very much in a place in his life where he's not looking to jump in with both feet until he's sure....he has said to me on two occasions how he sees his friends committed and serious after only a couple of months and doesn't understand how you can move so fast and he's not looking to do that is what i hear by his saying he's not looking for a relationship because he always follows it up with that story. yes inviting me to his house twice...i'm sure he's hoping for sex he's a man....and most wouldn't say no to it...but i genuinely felt while there that it wasn't the REASON for him having me there. I'm hoping he's just being cautious but i will just need to keep my eyes open and be cautious. He has called me alot and he said to me the other day how when i said i miss his face....in a cute playful way....he said back to me that he's gotten alot of phone from me which is unlike him and means something.

[everythingchanges456]

well...he didn't call...

[Batya33]

Did you try calling him?

[everythingchanges456]

no i didn't try to call him....he said on saturday when he called when i asked when will i see you that he wasn't sure he was going away for two days and would call monday when he returned.

[Batya33]

Gotcha. As you probably know, traffic can be awful on the last day of a 3 day weekend so he might be delayed or just vegging from a long trip.

[everythingchanges456]

it was a boating trip no driving involved.

 

why did you ask if i called him?

[Batya33]

Um, why not? It sounds like you feel comfortable calling him and asking him when you can get together again, so I was wondering whether you were deciding to wait for his call or to call him yourself. Just curious since you posted that he didn't call.

[everythingchanges456]

I'm comfortable calling him...though so far...I haven't come to think of it called him outside of returning his call...ever other than the first contact. Every phone call has been intiated by him.

 

I feel as though I shouldn't call since I made it clear, by saying it, on Friday night that I would like him to take me out. Then, on Saturday night, I asked before we hung up...when will I see you again?

 

I think to call at this point would be overbearing...too much and would not be balanced interest...I think the ball is with him.

[Batya33]

I understand - I was curious because you said you are cool with this being "unconventional" as you put it so I was wondering if that impacted the "who should call whom" deal. Guess not ;-).

 

I hope he calls later.

[everythingchanges456]

You are picking on me

 

I think there's got to at least be a balance and I likely went to far by speaking my mind about wanting a date and asking when I'd see him again. I want him to be excited to see me and want to see me. Calling now would put all the pursuit in my court.

 

Funny how I didn't realize until tonight though that I've only returned his calls but never initiated a call to him (except the very first one 2 weeks ago) not sure what that means...i'll need to think about it.

[everythingchanges456]

Not that I regret speaking my mind...that's just me being me...I just don't think I should go further than I already have.

[Batya33]

I understand. It's interesting how we both agree on "strategy" to a certain extent despite not agreeing on whether the asking out on dates thing is important.

[everythingchanges456]

I agree that it's important...at the same time...I am learning as I go. Although, I don't think wanting to see him and showing interest by going to his house was wrong. Like I said before, time will tell, in the very near future, his intentions by his actions...so we'll see. I'm just disappointed if he doesn't step up to the plate because I'm so interested in getting to know him and spending time with him.

[CaptainPlanet]

I definently wouldn't call 8 or 9 times nor would I sit through 2 boring get to know you conversations just to get into some girls pants. If I were interested in you I probably wouldn't even do that... I'd make one or two phone calls, visit you once and then wait for you to reciprocate. Try reciprocating. I don't know how you do it but you have to show him some sign you are definently interested.

 

If I called 8 or nine times ! and the girl was no showing definite interest I would leave her alone and assume she wasn't interested at all.

[Batya33]

I agree that it's important...at the same time...I am learning as I go. Although, I don't think wanting to see him and showing interest by going to his house was wrong. Like I said before, time will tell, in the very near future, his intentions by his actions...so we'll see. I'm just disappointed if he doesn't step up to the plate because I'm so interested in getting to know him and spending time with him.

 

I agree that what you did wasn't "wrong"- no such thing as right or wrong in these scenarios.

[everythingchanges456]

I definently wouldn't call 8 or 9 times nor would I sit through 2 boring get to know you conversations just to get into some girls pants. If I were interested in you I probably wouldn't even do that... I'd make one or two phone calls, visit you once and then wait for you to reciprocate. Try reciprocating. I don't know how you do it but you have to show him some sign you are definently interested.

 

If I called 8 or nine times ! and the girl was no showing definite interest I would leave her alone and assume she wasn't interested at all.

 

 

Thank you for your advice. I'm not sure if you read my prior threads but I made the initial call then responded to all his other calls and text if I didn't answer to begin with which normally I had. Though the only two times we've gotten together (the first week he was away) were at his home...once as my idea and the second friday night when we were both on our way home late from other things and he called to see if I would stop home to kiss him goodnight before going home. He was sweet...and cuddling and understanding of the fact that as much as I wanted to I could not have sex with him yet. He called the following morning and again that night to say hello (maybe cuz in the morning i said "will you call me later? then i asked when i'd see him again he said he was going away until monday fishing and would call when he got back monday afternoon after saying uhhh i don't know to when we would see eachother again...but he did say well we'll make a plan because you wanted me to take you to dinner.

 

i don't know what to think....he def showed real interest in being attracted to me and also in wanting to get to know me and in wanting me to just cuddle with him and not leave even though he knew we would not have sex....he fell asleep with me there but then i left...he insisted on walking me to the door....he's very gentlemenly with me. But...he didn't call today

 

My point is...i've made it very clear i'm interested.

[everythingchanges456]

They were long talks mixed with flirting and making out ... so not boring get to know you sessions. I have shown that i'm very interested. Nothing more I can do outside of ask him out myself!

[CaptainPlanet]

Well the point is they are not boring sessions if you like the girl. You are clearly over analysing this I don't really see the problem if you are making out with him he is atleast interested in you sexually and by the sounds of it all he likes you as a person too.

 

Is this that you are concerned he is only after you for a bit of fun ?

 

If that is the case you really need to take a punt with him and see how it goes. Make you intentions clear, make sure he knows you are interested in him for more. I don't know how women let a man know these things but it seems clear that is what you need to do.

[CaptainPlanet]

You can either wait it out and see what he does. Or you can talk to him about it yourself. I'd say take a punt and talk to him about it.

[everythingchanges456]

Thanks.

Yes, I am concerned that he's only in it for fun. That he couldn't really be that interested if this entire weekend the only time he made to get together with me was late Friday night after both of us were headed home from our separate plans. If he really liked me and was excited to get to know me...he would be anxious to see me.

[Batya33]

I agree that he is interested in you sexually and that the ball is in his court. I've had loooongg conversations with many men in the dating context and probably (dim memories now) in the "fling" context.

 

It doesn't mean the man is interested in dating you or in a relationship especially if he has expressed strong ambivalence (I know you don't think he said "most likely not" with respect to relationship potential) about having a relationship. Many men enjoy female companionship for various reasons - talking, making out, etc, especially if they don't have to put in effort to plan a date.

 

If it is "just for fun" I don't see a problem with that at all except - big exception - that is not what you want out of this. That might be why he isn't calling - you both discovered that you are on different wavelengths once you told him you want him to take you out on a date and he discussed his strong ambivalence about being in a relationship (his comments about being "choosy" and "if I really click" were gratuitous - most people are like that but he said that to send you a clear message about the low chances he would want a relationship now).

 

Just my humble opinion. I hope he calls, that it turns out he was delayed on his trip and that he asks you out or whatever it is that would make you feel positive about this situation.