I called my ex to see how he was doing

[Never_the_same]

I have been in no contact for almost a month and suddenly my ex texts me to say he was having a surgery and that he was sorry for all his shortcomings and that he loves me so much and so sorry that things didnt work out between the two of us. that was last wednesday, i replied to his text but there was nothing romantic and i didnt mention about the relationship. i just told him that everything's gonna be ok and he shouldnt worry.

 

i've been thinking a lot about him these past few days and im hurting again. unfortunately, the hurt is coming back to me. all the effort i did to heal from that break up seems useless.

 

i called him this morning to check how he is and i was really nervous. he answered right away and when i heard his voice, i wanted to be with him. he sounded so weak coz he just got out of the hospital last night. i wish i could be there for him. i love this man so much and i want to be right next to him in his time of crisis. our conversation was very short, he just told me he had his bladder removed. i thought i was going to be the surgery about his accident where he hurt his back so bad, but this is different. then i just told him that im glad the operation was successful and that he should start to really look after his health. i also told him that i hope he recovers very soon. thats it. then i said goodbye and hang up.

 

i know what i did was wrong. i feel so low and so stupid for giving in. now, im starting all over again with my recovery. i've been crying again and is hurting so bad. im so ashamed coz i broke nc. break ups are so hard.

[mintblossom]

bladder..?

[qwertyuiop]

If you don't mind me asking, why not try and give him another chance. He says he's sorry for his shortcomings, and you say you still love him, so what would be so wrong about trying again?

[Never_the_same]

bladder..?

 

yeah, that was what he told me. i really didnt care as long as he was alright, that's all that really matters to me.

[Never_the_same]

If you don't mind me asking, why not try and give him another chance. He says he's sorry for his shortcomings, and you say you still love him, so what would be so wrong about trying again?

 

for me, i think its really over between the two of us. thats why i got so confused with the text he sent me because if he loves me so much, we shouldnt have broken up in the first place and he should've have tried to make it work.

 

we already broke up more than a year ago and i've been trying ti get us back together ever since. but there is something i do that makes him go farther. looking back, i think he's just making up those reasons to really break up with me. then a month ago, we really broke up for good. i tried no contact and somehow managed to get back on my feet again. but then he had to text me about his operation. he really makes me confused. honestly, right now when i'm vulnerable again, if he asks me back, without a doubt, i would go back and forget about all our issues. but i dont think thats gonna happen. im so depressed right now. i dont know what to do anymore.

[desert_rose26]

You DO know what you have to do, you just wish things were different.

[renaissancewoman101]

I would give him another chance. It seems he would want to get back together with you, and you still care about him a lot, and you know that.

[Never_the_same]

I would give him another chance. It seems he would want to get back together with you, and you still care about him a lot, and you know that.

 

that's what confuses me and makes it even harder for me. he says he loved me but he's not really trying to get back with me. i dont know what to think anymore. there's no question, i still love him.

[Desiderata]

It was good on your part to be cautious in what you were saying. It seems like he went way beyond what you expected in confessing that he still loves you and it may be that he just needed someone there to support him. He can still care about you but not want to get back together as you are saying. It can hurt because you want to be there for him in his time of need, but if you're not certain as to why he's doing this then if the time comes and he says he does want to get back together I would still be cautious. Everyone can have their vulnerable moments - it's just up to you whether things continue or not. Think about why they ended and then about why you would consider getting back together again. Just worry about you even though he is going through a rough time right now.

[Clabs]

Hey Never the same

 

I think that you need to shut this down and move on. You know what your gut is - that it is over. There has been too much too'ing and fro'ing in all of this. It ended before for a reason and will likely come crashing down again in the same fashion.

 

Many people crave getting back together - all focus is getting back together - but few people actually give a whole bunch of thought to what it will be like back together - what they will do, what will be different. I think you indentify this.

 

Take care of yoursef.

 

Mark

[bubblyblonde11]

Hey Never the same

 

I think that you need to shut this down and move on. You know what your gut is - that it is over. There has been too much too'ing and fro'ing in all of this. It ended before for a reason and will likely come crashing down again in the same fashion.

 

Many people crave getting back together - all focus is getting back together - but few people actually give a whole bunch of thought to what it will be like back together - what they will do, what will be different. I think you indentify this.

 

Take care of yoursef.

 

Mark

 

I agree sweetheart, you need to close this door wish him well and move on.

 

You are grieving for what could have been not what was however it was clear the relationship in reality was not going to be what YOU needed it to be.

 

You deserve better and I think you know that, it's just hard (as alot of us incl me know) to get over that loss.

 

But you know what you have to do, to enable it to get easier.

 

I think he used the op and an excuse to get back in touch, that he just wanted to know you still cared. Don't give into it.

 

Go back to NC.

 

Take care hunny

 

((((hugs))))

[Never_the_same]

thank you guys, i am so ashamed of myself for breaking no contact because i knew that it wont do me any good. i should've known better. its over and i need to get over him. i need to start all over again with my healing process. i'm just a sucker for love. i loved and cared so much for this man and when he texted me, i threw away everything that was logical and just went on and called him. this is my fault and i deserve to be hurting coz i chose to.

[Clabs]

Hey Never the same.

 

There is nothing to be ashamed of here. You felt sorry for him because you were kind and were genuinely worried about him - that is a selfless thing to do for someone and you jeopordized your hapiness for this act of kindness. Not many people are kind enough to do this - and that is a fantastic quality - don't beat yourself up for it - embrace it.

 

Now - back to NC for you, my girl - you know the drill.

 

You will get there honey

 

Mark

[Never_the_same]

Hey Never the same.

 

There is nothing to be ashamed of here. You felt sorry for him because you were kind and were genuinely worried about him - that is a selfless thing to do for someone and you jeopordized your hapiness for this act of kindness. Not many people are kind enough to do this - and that is a fantastic quality - don't beat yourself up for it - embrace it.

 

Now - back to NC for you, my girl - you know the drill.

 

You will get there honey

 

Mark

 

thank you so much mark. you have no idea how these kind words really touched me. you made me feel good about myself. i just wanted to make sure he was ok.

 

tomorrow's gonna be day 1 for me again.

[Clabs]

No worries honey - sometimes when you get dragged through this stuff, your mirror gets busted up some and you can't see yourself in it any more. Get back on the nc wagon and a few weeks down the line, go and buy yourself a nice new mirror so you can see what we all see!

 

Mark

[renaissancewoman101]

From your conversation with him on the phone, could you tell if he was genuinely happy to hear from you and that he missed you? From what you wrote, it seems he does hve some feelings for you and may be testing the waters for a reconciliation. If you really want to get back together with him, this might be the chance you've been waiting for. He misses you it seems, he needs someone to be there for him, otherwise he wouldn't have told you about the operation. It will take him a while to heal. Give it a little bit of a chance. I am NOT saying jump into it full on, but give him a chance, spend a bit of time with him, show him you care, but not too much. Let him realize that it is good to have you around, etc. But still keep aloof. Don't beg to get together with him. Spend some time with him, be caring, be nurturing, nothing sappy or depressing. Let him see with a glimpse of some time with you, that you are fun to be around with, and that he is missing out, etc. It will make him think. Esp since he is laid out with this issue, he will have a lot of time on his hands to think and ruminate.

 

Good luck.

 

I know my advice is different than other people's but I am the type of person who would rather suggest reconciliation than just NC off the bat.

[Coyote9]

I'm just out of surgery also and I wanted to call my ex but like you, I know she's moved on and while she feels some guilt about that, she's not coming back and whatever support I might hope to gain from her in my vulnerable condition wouldn't last and I'd be hurting even worse after 4 months of NC.

 

This man sounds sincere but he's also in a very needy and scary place and of course he wants to reach out to you. That doesn't mean you should get back together and I suspect if you've moved on as you say you have or at least want to that getting involved with him would only make things more confusing for you both. In a perfect world, out ex's wouldn't have left us in the first place and would be there for us when times are really tough. But that's not the world we live in and it's best to deal with the facts as they are now. He's not in a condition to really know if he wants you or not because he is so hurting and needy.

[Never_the_same]

When i called him, he sounded so weak, i felt really sorry for him. i would gladly go to him and take care of him. but i'm scared that all my efforts are going nowhere. i already did that a year ago when we first broke up, took my chances on him but didnt work out. i did the best i could and i didnt even think of my pride anymore. i was really struggling during those time coz i loved this man so much and i thought he was the one that so it was ok.

 

another problem we have is that we live thousands of miles apart. its either he flies over here or i fly over there. i flew last june to be with him, we even made love so i thought that things are already working out for us. but after a couple of weeks, he broke it off. it made me feel so low about myself coz it seems like he just used me for sex. now that i know that he needs me, i would fly again right away to give him my support, no questions nor hesitations if we were ok.

 

my friends are calling me a martyr and tells me that i should stop my foolishness over this guy but i never listened. this time, i will try my very best to put myself back together and regain self respect. this time, if he really wants to get back together, he must prove himself to me first. not just in words but in action. i need to see his efforts. i already gave my share to save our relationship and now its his turn.

[renaissancewoman101]

Ok. I hope it works out for you.

 

I know what it is like to have hope about a relationship and it doesn't apn out.

 

That hurts like hell.

[Coyote9]

There's something seductive about being needed. I know that when my ex's brother died and she didn't contact me I was crushed, as that showed me she didn't need me. Even if we'd been able to meet, have a conversation, whatever, that wouldn't have changed the situation and the same problems that created our breakup would still be in play. You've already tried the reconciliation route once it sounds like. Hard as it is to admit, this would likely be more of the same in the long run. I don't doubt that you sincerely feel like you'd like to help you ex through this tough time but trust that he has other friends and family who can be there for him, as you've already done that. No need to feel any guilt either, as you are broken up and, hard as it is to accept, we don't get the same intimate involvement (for better or worse) after a breakup as before.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know what you mean. I want to be needed by my friends and by people. It makes me feel accepted and wanted.

 

I try not to need people, because when you need is when people show their true colors and ignore you.

[KG]

Never,

I liked the point you made about him having to prove it himself..

You shouldn't have to do all the work...

I agree with the others about N/C, maybe wait and see if he puts any effort into it...you are still N/C, and can wait and see his next move...

[Never_the_same]

Ok. I hope it works out for you.

 

I know what it is like to have hope about a relationship and it doesn't apn out.

 

That hurts like hell.

 

i always say that we should never lose hope. that was my thinking before. but i realized that before i was hopeful and was expecting something from him too. i guess when i didnt get what i expected, i got really hurt. so now, i still have hope that someday, if fate allows it, we'll be together. the only difference is that i wont be expecting that to happen. i'll just try, no matter how hard it is, to move on.

[renaissancewoman101]

It's not easy to move on. I know.

 

I have a terrible time moving on from situations. Sometimes I rather not fall in love with someone and have to deal with an eventual ending of a relationship and all the crap that goes with it.

[Never_the_same]

it is definitely hard specially because we already set a date for our wedding and we planned out how we're gonna start out life together. its hard letting go of all those plans, its like throwing away a future.

 

i always wish that i havent met him in the frist place so that i wont be in this pain. but then i realize that if i havent met him, i wouldn't experience how to truly love and be loved in return. that i think is a great consolation.