How to engage the SO in talking about communication and argument patterns?

[studbaker99]

Disclaimer: if you read my previous posts, you'll get a picture that shows my relationship is built on shaky grounds.

 

Having said that, it always feel like I am the pacifier, regardless of who started the argument. I was like that too in my previous relationship, so at the very least I'm noticing a pattern here

 

A bit off topic, I always prefer to hang out with girls. I am not a guy-guy , but dont get me wrong I'm not an effeminate guy either. In my relationships, I am usually the 'girl' , and the gf tends to be the strong personality typed one. So what gives?

 

 

 

So we had a bit of an argument - I thought she could have done a better job at handling this particular bit of business (just a transaction between friends) to include me, and she thought she was having my interests in mind. The details are unimportant, but, as far as I am concerned, she doesn't have that keen of an eye for business. Anyway, I called her up annoyed at her not having thought of me, to which she replied that she did (but i would have actually lost money on the sale, which just didn't have to happen if only she had done it differently). So yes I was annoyed at her at that , so she disagreed, she said she thought of me, and if i didnt want to go through with the deal, then don't sell it , and "I'll talk to you later" *click*

 

That's the cut off right there.

 

I tried calling her a couple hours later, and she didnt pick up. Usually we'll be online till its time for her to go sleep, but she aint there either (we're not LDR, we just dont live together, and btw, we're 31/30..not very mature either )

 

so maybe she needs the 'space'. Whatever. ..how do I talk to my gf about talking and dealing with conflict processes (i.e. how she acts - she gets 'annoyed' pulls away, and next day acts like nothing happened, kinda of), vs me, who needs conflict resolution right away, and believes in 'not going to sleep upset', and all that emo crap we read about on these forums.

 

 

ah, its not a major argument (at least, I dont think nor hope so), but the very few times we've argued (maybe like 4 times in a year, never really major stuff, as the above can show) its always been like this and I've been meaning to get some sort of open discussion about this. But it never seems to happen the day after since we just kinda act like nothing's happened and I feel I'm the only one who wants to open the wounds so I m just happy we're back like before so im not too motivated to start it up with a 'we need to talk..'

 

oh, for what is worth, in this current relationship and the previous, it seems im always the one who's unhappy about something (and willing or wanting to voice it..thanks for the lovely advice provided in forums like these, who promote open discussion.. ok im being a bit facetious here - it just feels like im the only one who knows the damn 'rules' for the communication, so how to get them to know and play by them too?...)..

 

rantings...advice? insights?

 

So that's what I gotta figure out in this relationship.

 

In the meantime, in the back of my head.. what is the girl for a girly guy?

would I be happier with a girly-girl vs a tomboy girl?

[Anon333]

hmm..My last relationship was like this..My ex was never satisfied with the way I acted or things I did, and wanted to discuss them all to death...It sounds like your situation is not as bad as mine was..As you only have arguments or disagreements once in awhile..It was a role reversal for me and my ex as well..I felt more like the guy, not wanting to discuss all the issues of why I wasnt being affectionate or thoughtful enough...It got to the point where I really was trying to listen to him, but just felt defensive that the way I was was just not satisfying enough to him (he has since married someone else after 2 months of us being broken up)..Anyway..I can now see how I was in the wrong, but I can also see why he was in the wrong..Up until the other week I was completely blaming myself for not communicating the right way, and not working out the issues and problems he wanted to discuss...I know I didnt deal with things well..But I also think he should have accepted some things about me more, and not make everything an issue...But he couldnt help but to feel dissatisfied and anxious and want to "fix" everything..There were times when we would talk for hours and never get anything resolved..I'd eventually ave to walk away completely drained..and he would want terribly just to fix things or at least make up..but at that point I would just want to be alone..I dont know if it was because we were just a bad match, or if each of us could have bent a little more...He always told me he felt like he was bending over backwards to make things work with me....And in all honesty..That pissed me off more..because I always felt like i was trying my hardest to work things out, just couldnt live up to what he expected of me.....Do you expect to much from your GF? Do you have a problem letting some things go? Does it come down with you really are not happy with who she is? I felt that way when my ex always had "issues" to discuss.....I know I could have tried harder..But there are two sides to every story...

[studbaker99]

Heh. Thanks for the other side of the story really. You remind me of my ex (i guess bad memories do fade) almost to the T. I'd always have freakin issues, and at first she would just move away, then she tried to listen, and we'd get into these discussions, but in the later part of the relationship she kinda gave up ('you and i think differently, and that's just how it is'). Looking back, I shudder at how I went through that as well.

 

My ex was a strong character, but very emotional and had tons of little weird behaviors and to some degree she wanted to discuss things to too much depth (except when we had disagreements). We always went into discussions of 'why' of things and little observations about people, life, etc. and talked for hours about different beliefs that we had.

 

With my current gf, its as if I did a 180. She's also very strong, but not emotional at all, and for the most part she is as you see it, and we don't talk about much in depth at all. She's not very observational at all. If I ask her 'ever wonder why such is such' she'd be like 'uh, no'. I'm a bit of an introvert so to some degree this works fine.

 

If I could mesh both people into a single person, that's probably the girl that I'd marry

 

Back to the point - no I don't think I'm being overly needy in reconnecting and trying to discuss issues that may arise. I really don't, but at the same time, that's my side of the story. To me, it feels like at the slightest argument, she just shuts off any potential for discussion.

 

It's not that I want to 'blame' her or anything - I'd like to understand the 'whys' of her behavior, I'm just the type of guy (maybe in a bit of insecure way) where if you set up my expectations, I can handle it so much better. So in essense this translates if she could only say 'look, I'm annoyed right now, I cant talk to you, lets talk tomorrow'. Wham!, I'd be perfectly fine. Instead, what happened yesterday was more like "I'll talk to you later" but that was more like a "bye" - "...?"

 

It'll be the day when she calls me up after a fight and say "look, I'm sorry for . (emo stuff) I feel when you do . Can we talk about it?". Right....

 

It would be nice if she'd make an effort to understand her role on how to improve communications and my side of things too. I can always see the other person's side of the point.

[Anon333]

hmm..I didnt realize what I was doing or how wrong I was until after the whole relationship was over...I was so regretful for not being more open and listening and understanding..My ex would tell me I was selfish when we dated, and that just hurt me and pushed me away...I think he was wrong to say these hurtful things to me..But I do think I had hard time looking outside of my emotions and seeing his side....Its sad that it takes breaking up to see the things you did wrong...As for trying to get your current girlfriend to see these things wihtout breaking up..I dont know....My ex tried to be patient and understanding and listen to me...But to me, I just didnt feel like I could catch a break and actually just ENJOY his company without him having an issue with what I was doing...I guess we just didnt match up.....If it is a serious matter of whether or not you want to mary this woman, than I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel, even write it down, and tell her you are going to give her time alon to think about it and for her to write down or think about her own expecatations or issues before marriage...And I think you both need to really just take a break and time alone to think about it....If she sees what she is doing and doesnt want to loose you, she will make a conscious effort to listen to what you have to say..And maybe you can make a conscious effort to express your issues with her in the least negative way possible?

[dystopiandream]

I'm not really sure as I don't know either of you personally but my partner and I will usually go out for a coffee and talk it out in public. We set ground rules, for example neither of us can interrrupt while the other is expressing an opinion. We will try our best not to use accusatory terms such as "It's because YOU always..." or "Well maybe YOU should stop..." instead try, "Sometimes I feel like this because..." or "I would appreciate if you could do...because sometimes it makes me feel like..." etc as they feel less defensive. Also if she is the type to raise her voice and start shouting NEVER retaliate by doing the same as it will make them calm down and being in a public place also means that they are less likely to do that. Hope that helps.

[Anon333]

dystopian dream......Sounds smart...My ex and I would sometimes talk in public about issues...my voice would raise more often then his, but then I would try to catch myself...But even out in public, it would get to the point in discussion when we both felt like we were talking to a brick wall...I tried to understand his popint of view, but I couldnt change as much as he wanted me to....I still felt like I needed to be comfortable being friends with him and feeling less pushed, in order for me to be naturally affectionate and more loving towards him...But I didnt feel like he allowed me to get to that point...I think the best way to communicate is make your point as clear as possible..Listen to the other persons point of view, and then try to step back awhile and think about eachother's point of view, and be patient enough with the other person if they are putting an effort into trying to meet you half way...