greenmonster Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 went out for some drinks last night with some co-workers...and while we were sitting around talking our group of people grew from 8 to 12 to 20 with more and more people's friends showing up through the night... this girl that sat down accross the table from me and I started a conversation around 10pm and when we looked up at midnight it was just her and I left...all our friends had disappeared...we didn't care...we just talked some more...and more...and more we closed down the bar at 2am...then walked around for a bit...then went and had breakfast...and we just carried on this conversation that kept going...we ended up making out some and she stayed at my place...no sex or nothin...just kissin is all... Here's the deal...she just turned 21 last week...so she is almost 9 years younger than me...she is way too cute for her own good...long curly blonde hair with these huge blue eyes and this great smile & laugh all on this amazing body...but beyond looks, her and I match up in SO many ways that its not even funny: family, politics, religion, ambitions & goals, money, relationships...just everything that you could want really... and this girl likes me...I mean really REALLY likes me...and I think she is pretty amazing... BUT..... for those of you that have read my other posts you already know this.... I'm in love with my best friend... My best friend who is even better looking than this girl... My best friend who is the exact opposite of all the things that this girl matches me on... my best friend who I have known for 6 years and just started having sex with 4 months ago... my best friend who I want nothing more than to be with, but she hates relationships... my best friend that is exactly my opposite...but the one person who completes me because she is everything I'm not and I'm everything she isn't...she is my yin as I am her yang and now.... I don't know what I should do.... persue this new girl? stick with the sexual friendship? toss out the idea of a relationship with the best friend? things were confusing enough in my life already....I really didn't need some pretty little thing two-step'n into it right now... Link to comment
Dako Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Or try door number three, someone who makes you forget the other two. I know, a lame idea but you don't have to settle or take advantage of every situation. Link to comment
RebeccaChow Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Hey! Hmm... why don't you try & get to know this chick better first before deciding what to do? Tell her you wanna get to know her before committing yourself to anything. So go out with her more & know her better! I don't think you should rush into making decisions, especially not now that you're in a state of confusion. However, I don't think that this sexual friendship thing with your best friend is of any good. You're 29 now, I suppose you're of the age whereby you wanna find a nice girl whereby you can start a serious relationship with & settle down? I don't think its anywhere close with your best friend. So I say get to know this new girl better! At the moment, stop having sex with your best friend. Its not taking you anywhere, especially when its sex with no strings attached. Good luck! Tell us what you decided to do. Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Hmmmm....why do you ned to make a desicion right NOW? You just met this girl, and spent one night of fun with her. One night does not determine anything by any means. While it's great to have that initial spark......there is SO much more to learn about someone. It seems like you know your best friend pretty well...inside and out, as well as sexually..and you are still smitten with her. On paper I think you and your best friend have the BEST potential.........IF of course your best friend wanted a "relationship". Link to comment
Cheeky Charmer Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Surely there's no point pursuing things with your best friend. If you've known her for 6 years something more than casual sex would have happened by now. She clearly isn't the relationship sort and it can only lead to broken dreams and general unhappiness. The girl you met, on the other hand, sounds perfect - a soul mate even, and someone who, in time, can help cure the infatuation you have with your best friend. Link to comment
Dev007 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Have some fun. If you see this girl again, it isn't like you have to go exclusive right away. Have some fun with her and see where things go before you make a decision. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Have some fun. If you see this girl again, it isn't like you have to go exclusive right away. Have some fun with her and see where things go before you make a decision. I totally agree... just please make it clear that it's not exclusive to her... Cuz in time, if you really begin to like her and she finds out that you're having sex with another girl, well, it'll mess things up well and good. What's wrong with dating anyway? Our society has place too much emphasis on "finding the one" that many times we settle for someone less than what was best for us. Have fun with it... explore your options... go with the flow. Don't make any decisions right now, you don't have to! Lucky you! Link to comment
JadedStar Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Yeah I agree with rebecca. You didn't even officially have a date and you are acting like you have an option to spend the rest of your life with this girl. SLOW DOWN LOL It was just a nice evneing with someone similar to you. Just get to know this other chick as a friend. Maybe go on a few dates. No one exchanges rings just by going on a few dates. Who knows in time maybe she will make you realize this obsession with your best friend is just not healthy. Link to comment
ResonanceTheory Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Wait wait wait--one second here. This sounds EXACTLY like my friend John's situation. He and this girl named Dawn have been best friends and dated on and off for 10 years. John's dated and had sex with quite a few other women besides her, however, due to the length and closeness of their friendship, he always keeps coming back to her. Not too long ago, John met this really amazing, attractive girl that he gets along with splendidly. He even told me that she gives him "tingles" when he's around her. However, though he did sleep with her, after years of loving dawn, being there for her as a best friend and a lover, he just couldn't let her go. According to John, anyone he dates has to be okay with his "situation"...which is that, regardless of who he's with, he's still in love with his "best friend". Everyone else here (with the exception of a few) seems to be saying that this thing with your best friend is "just sex" or "infatuation"...however, because I've heard all about and witnessed John's situation (which is crazy similar to yours), I know that it's not. It's something that's rooted a lot more deeply and that one spectacular night with a spectacular girl cannot shake. This is (probably) because you have cared for, wanted, idealized and loved your "friend" for so long, and it's hard to let go of that, regardless of how realistic it is. Sure, you will (and possibly, always will) wonder "what if" in regards to the cute blonde girl. I don't suggest you trying to get into an emotional relationship, or a physical relationship, for that matter, with anyone else at the moment. It's totally unfair to both women, but especially to the newcomer on the scene. Even if this girl sweeps you off of your feet, eventually, when you hit the "comfort" phase of the relationship where the passion starts to die down and you're not enchanted with every cough and sneeze your new girlfriend makes, you're going to go back to thinking about your "best friend". I see this as kind of inevitable here. You need to look to the root of your relationship problems. As you well realize, you can't plant two trees in the exact same spot. So, if you're passionately in love with your best friend, I highly doubt that you are going to be able to supply the same amount of pure and honest love and affection to another woman, much less the amount of nurturing that a new relationship needs to grow healthily. Save the blonde the heartbreak. At least postpone chasing after her. If it was meant to be, it will be. Link to comment
greenmonster Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 oh I know I don't have to make any decisions right now... the new girl and I had lunch today and are going out tonight... I'm seeing my best friend this weekend for a wedding we are goin to... I dunno...I'm just mixed up right now because I am starting to realize that the thing with my friend isn't good for me because I want more than what I think she is willing to give...and its creating emotional distress on my part because I'm having to hold so much back. on the flip side...I don't want to loose an opportunity with a cute lil' thing because I'm too hung up over something that will never happen... think its time I have "that talk" with my friend about all this...figure some stuff out... Link to comment
indiegirl94 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Maybe have a talk with your best friend, and find out once and for all if it's going anywhere. Whatever you find out, it'll be a weight off your shoulders. Be careful sleeping with someone who you love but doesn't love you back. It's an easy way to get hurt. Link to comment
ramsickle1369 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Be careful sleeping with someone who you love but doesn't love you back. It's an easy way to get hurt. I'll second THAT! Link to comment
ResonanceTheory Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 even if you have "that talk" with your friend and she confirms that your relationship will never become any more than it is and you decide that it's over, I highly doubt that you'll be ready to just pick up after loving somebody for so long and start a new relationship. There are a lot of issues you have to work out after an emotional cl*sterf*** like this, and it simply isn't fair to the new girl. You have to wait. Link to comment
Yates33 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 So....you are planning on letting every great girl that comes your way just pass you by because you are hung up on a friend that doesn't want you romantically? Good outlook!~ Come on man....let's get serious..... Link to comment
99gagt Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Ok, I am going to be honest... I was in this same situation, although I felt like a user... I started dating this new girl and bring her around a lot, showed myself as happy with her, made the friend jealous, made her wonder what this new girl has that she doesn't... and now I'm with my friend. I knew what I was doing the whole time, and I knew what the outcome will be... it's the way females act. Link to comment
greenmonster Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 Ok, I am going to be honest... I was in this same situation, although I felt like a user... I started dating this new girl and bring her around a lot, showed myself as happy with her, made the friend jealous, made her wonder what this new girl has that she doesn't... and now I'm with my friend. I knew what I was doing the whole time, and I knew what the outcome will be... it's the way females act. see...I was thinking this same thing... problem is that I'm a huge soft hearted sap when it comes to girls and I know that I cant do that...just aint right. besides that...Jamie...my best friend...is much better at this game than I am...and if she saw that I was trying to do this then she would do it right back...and that would suck...cuz she would win...make her jealous....and she will turn it right back on you... Link to comment
splashdown Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 This whole "friends with benefits" thing is just unbelievably ruinous...I mean, not to sound like some old-fashioned grouch, but why would you pass up dating a great girl with whom you feel some connection for some girl who's made it clear she doesn't want you for anything more than sex. Have you considered that maybe it's not that she hates relationships, she just hates the idea of a relationship with you? Link to comment
ResonanceTheory Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 besides that...Jamie...my best friend...is much better at this game than I am...and if she saw that I was trying to do this then she would do it right back...and that would suck...cuz she would win...make her jealous....and she will turn it right back on you... Wow, any time that anything in a relationship is manipulative and oriented towards one-upping your partner enough so as to call it a game, I'd say the relationship is over. I've read a few of your threads on this specific subject and I think you're wasting your time. I wouldn't even truly call her your friend. None of my friends would want to hurt me like that. If they did, I would stop calling them friends. Link to comment
greenmonster Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 This whole "friends with benefits" thing is just unbelievably ruinous...I mean, not to sound like some old-fashioned grouch, but why would you pass up dating a great girl with whom you feel some connection for some girl who's made it clear she doesn't want you for anything more than sex. Have you considered that maybe it's not that she hates relationships, she just hates the idea of a relationship with you? um...no Jamie wants me for so much more than sex it aint even funny man...like I said...she is my best friend. and has been my best friend for over 6 years now. we've gone everywhere and done everything in the world together. sex between her and I just recently entered the picture... She isn't typical in any way when it comes to a girl and relationships...she hates them. in the 6 years I've known her she has been in 2 "relationships" that lasted longer than a couple months...she doesn't 'date' people...she will go out and party with em...but dating is out of the question. trust me....its not the idea of a relationship with me that she is against...its a relationship with anyone Link to comment
greenmonster Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 Wow, any time that anything in a relationship is manipulative and oriented towards one-upping your partner enough so as to call it a game, I'd say the relationship is over. I've read a few of your threads on this specific subject and I think you're wasting your time. I wouldn't even truly call her your friend. None of my friends would want to hurt me like that. If they did, I would stop calling them friends. see...thats just it...I've never tried to manipulate things agaisnt her and she never has done anything like that to me either.. I've seen her do it to other guys that were trying to get to her though and I know what she is capable of I was just replyin to that one guys idea of what i should do...and I don't think its right to play that game of manipulation in order to play with peoples emotions Link to comment
splashdown Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 She isn't typical in any way when it comes to a girl and relationships...she hates them. in the 6 years I've known her she has been in 2 "relationships" that lasted longer than a couple months...she doesn't 'date' people...she will go out and party with em...but dating is out of the question. Well, then, it sounds like she's just got some kind of mental block about relationships. If you two are as close as you say, but just friends, then I wouldn't rule out other promising relationships...it sounds like you and this other girl really hit it off...why not see where that goes instead of the other thing that seems to be going nowhere but heartache.? Link to comment
greenmonster Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 Well, then, it sounds like she's just got some kind of mental block about relationships. If you two are as close as you say, but just friends, then I wouldn't rule out other promising relationships...it sounds like you and this other girl really hit it off...why not see where that goes instead of the other thing that seems to be going nowhere but heartache.? ugh...true...sucks, but your right. the friend and I are goin to a wedding this weekend together and I figure the topic of relationships will prolly come up in conversation considering that her and I are some of the last remaining single friends of our group we've hung out with since college...so people are bound to say something and when we get alone I'll run with it...see where it leads... I'm one of those people that would kick myself every day having that 'what if' lingering in the back of my mind if I didn't... either way...when I come home next week I think I'll have quite a few of these questions answered... and if things simply aren't possible between Jamie and I then I'll have my 'what if' put to rest and be able to see where things go with this new girl without having that in the back of my mind... Link to comment
ResonanceTheory Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 trust me....its not the idea of a relationship with me that she is against...its a relationship with anyone Then what does she call what she has with you? Hopscotch? That just seems so disrespectful of you and your feelings. What about YOUR wants? Does she expect you to be her "friend" for the rest of her life, letting other potentially great long term relationships pass you by as she goes about doing what she wants, getting satisfaction from your "friendship"? There's a point where a decision has to be made. This whole "anti relationship" thing is a bit ridiculous to me. Because what she essentially has with you IS a relationship. The only thing lacking is a formal commitment, however, if you ask me, you're already committed to her in a way. Otherwise you wouldn't be hesitating before you asked the blonde girl out. Normally, I think a person would not stand to be strung along for such a long period of time. However, I can understand how, when you become so close to somebody, you begin to sympathize with how they think and stop questioning the person's behavior, even when it hurts you. And even though you obviously get some sort of satisfaction from the relationship as well, it obviously still hurts you and you have to realize that it is NOT right, and that it is NOT healthy. I think you know that. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. Either this woman who you call your "friend" needs to wake up and realize that she has a potentially great SO right there and make the commitment, or end it with you and set you free. Cause what this is now is a one-sided relationship, in which she has you tethered down while she floats around freely. Link to comment
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