freaking out....slap me please, smarten me up.

[flower99]

Okay, I've been kinda freaking out...well maybe an exageration, but my mind is all over & I need to be smarten up right now. Whether it's telling me I made the right choice or the wrong...please help

I'm not sure how to make this short while keeping the details you all may need but i'll try.

 

when I was 19, I dated a my ex, we 'fell in love' (I put it in quotations, cause I'm unsure whether it really was, I don't remember my feelings than, but i do remember believeing it was love) I lost my virginity to him after dating 3 months. a month and a half after that, I found out i pregnant.

He was very jealous, even went through my photo album removing pictures of ex boyfriends, or flings.... always accused me of cheating. while I was 7 months pregnant, he began to get vebally abusive.

When our son was 3 months old, my ex proposed to me. I said yes. I love him. I know he's hurting inside because of problems when he was a child, He was abused, moved from home to home, till he was adopted at 4. he feel regected by his bio parents, He is broken inside. His gf before me cheated & lied to him many times.... All these problems where brought in to our relationship. when my son was 6 months old. our fights became worst, our cycles where bad...I told him we need to get help to save this family. We need couselling. He told me he refuses to go to couselling and talk to a stranger about our problems. I broke up with him than, because there was no solution, we kept going in circles. we didn't bring out good in eachother.

I was devestated that he didn't care enough to save our family. I wanted us to be a happy family. I didn't want our son to have a broken home, and i really care for my ex so much. i wish he was happy.

for the next 2 years we continued to have sex, and remain on good terms. when i wanted to fix things, he didn't, when he wanted to work on things I didn't. Timeing was never right.

I finally drew the line after he was in a relationship with a girl for 5 months (cheating on her with me) after they broke up I thought...for sure, he'd come back to me & realize we were meant to be together. he didn't.

I figured, okay. This is it. we aren't meant to be. I stopped having sex than.

I was ready to move on with my life. he was crushed & began to threatening to take our son from me...and slit my throat for all I've done to him....ect. he's always had a temper problem, and never ever took responsibility for his actions....he's response was always, you pissed me off, you deserved it.

we had to go to court than to get custody, since for all this time our son lived with me, I took care of him physically & finacially.

7 months into this , I began having feeling for my good friend who was by my side through all of this. we began seeing eachother. he's wonderful, good to me. never speaks badly to me, cares for me regardless of if i'm with him. respectful. excellent influence on my son. smart, kind, generous...My son loves him...it's now been 2 years...we are now engaged, living together & getting married next month. (I should also add, just to show how understanding & wonderful he is & how unstable my ex is... last year my ex was homeless for 3 months, he let him stay with us in our basement for free....which he lied about last week when we went to court again.)

 

My ex & I had to go to court again last week, because he didn't understand the court order from last time we went. Now that he understands it, I see the hurt in his eyes...he's realized all he lost. he's told me he blames my finacee for tearing apart his family (which isn't how it happened but it's how he believes it) he told me I abandoned him.

 

It tears me apart. I want to hug him & hold him & let him know how much I still love him & care for him. I want his happiness. I don't like knowing he's alone & hurting. i feel terrible for being in a happy & stable relationship & life.

I don't know if I shouldn't have stayed & tried to work it out longer. (but at the same time I think it was best for our son) But I'm wondering whether I'm just being selfish moving on.

I'm wondering if I should be getting married now??

i know it will crush him more. He already has so much more hurt in him. And I don't want to be the cause of more. I some how feel like I can bring him happiness..his family back.....yet I didn't when we were together - but he says I did...he believes his own lies...and he's convincing me now..I'm starting to believe his lies???

slap me someone. I have the chance of a stable happy life, with a wonderful good man who I respect & love....but in the back of my head, I can't stand seeing my ex hurt & alone. But I know happiness comes from within...

I feel like I could bring our family back together...however risk of it never working..and I do love him, but I don't respect him...but some how I understand why he does what he does..but that doesn't make it okay...but i feel selfish

ughh...slap me someone.

sorry this is so long & all over the place, thanx for reading.

[ycmanvs]

Do not feel guilty for moving on. You gave him more than one chance and he REFUSED to get help. Do not let him manipulate you. Get married and have a happy life with the man who loves you, not with the one who hurt you.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Flower,,, your ex caused all of his own problems... and even though you care for him and want him to be happy.. he has to find that happiness and stability on his own.

 

You are very lucky to have found someone you love ..who is good to you and your child... enjoy EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of it.

 

regardless if you understand "why" your ex does what he does.. he should know better at this point... there comes a time in life when we are no longer sheltered by our families etc..and we begin to see how others live... your ex knows better...but he isn't doing what he needs to do to make the changes he needs to make- he had his chance ...wouldn't you agree?

[flower99]

thank you ycmanvs & Michael L....thank you so much...your words mean a lot to me.

 

Healing hands, yes I do agree. I totally know your right. I guess I just need to be reminded. thank you!

With the wedding comeing, and court just finished & my son has come home from his dads the last number of times asking me questions...why I'd done this to papa or wouldn't let papa do this..ect. And though I know they are lies, i feel terrible & guilty when it comes from my little boys mouth....

thank you for reminding me, it's not my fault or job to fix him. he's got to make those choices & changes himself...He does know better.

And i really do value the wonderful man I have...he is a blessing & a gift from God in my life & my sons.

[BornToResist]

Hey...I logged in just to respond to your post.

 

Sweety, you cannot save him. He has to save himself.

 

Sadly, he had his shot at happiness with you and he didn't care.

 

I can pretty much guarantee that if you gave up everything you have to be with him, you'd end up in the same place you were at in the beginning.

 

HE has to change. You can't change him. And by blaming you and your fiancee for ruining his chances at happiness are sure signs that this isn't even close to happening.

 

Happiness comes from inside, from in yourself. Not from others. Unfortunately it sounds like he's the type who relies on others for his happiness and if that's the case it simply won't happen for him, he will always be let down.

 

I believe that good things happen to you when you make good decisions. I know it's true for me. If he's down in the dumps and things aren't going how he wants them to, he would only bring you down with him! What would happen if you DID get back with him...eventually he would be unhappy again...and blame you. And you would lose this opportunity for the life it sounds like you want.

 

Nobody can tell you if you should get married or not. But this proposal was a long time in the making, wasn't it? How do you want your son to grow up...like his father (blaming everyone for his unhappiness, lying, no respect for women, etc) or like you described your fiancee?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

thank you ycmanvs & Michael L....thank you so much...your words mean a lot to me.

 

Healing hands, yes I do agree. I totally know your right. I guess I just need to be reminded. thank you!

With the wedding comeing, and court just finished & my son has come home from his dads the last number of times asking me questions...why I'd done this to papa or wouldn't let papa do this..ect. And though I know they are lies, i feel terrible & guilty when it comes from my little boys mouth....

thank you for reminding me, it's not my fault or job to fix him. he's got to make those choices & changes himself...He does know better.

And i really do value the wonderful man I have...he is a blessing & a gift from God in my life & my sons.

 

 

Youre welcome.. i would hate to see your happiness be taken away by someone who doesn't deserve your sympathies... who turns their son against his own mother?

[beauty21]

Do not feel bad about moving on with someone who treats you like his lady. It sounds like you and your ex have been thru hell and back together and you survived, you made it thru now it's time to continue on your journey. You owe it to yourself to move on and be happy without him. He only realizes he messed up because you are with someone who loves you, respects you and is there for your son. If you go back to him, you will find your self back on the same merry-go-round.

 

His problems are his problems. Don't feel sorry for him. He'll be okay. And I think you did the right thing by leaving him behind. How can he say that your fiancee broke up his family? What about when he was with the other woman and cheating on her with you. The same could have been said about her. Don't let him manipulate you. Cause trust me, if you were single he'd be the same guy you know his as.

[flower99]

I believe that good things happen to you when you make good decisions. I know it's true for me. If he's down in the dumps and things aren't going how he wants them to, he would only bring you down with him! What would happen if you DID get back with him...eventually he would be unhappy again...and blame you. And you would lose this opportunity for the life it sounds like you want.

 

Nobody can tell you if you should get married or not. But this proposal was a long time in the making, wasn't it? How do you want your son to grow up...like his father (blaming everyone for his unhappiness, lying, no respect for women, etc) or like you described your fiancee?

 

I like that first line there... good things happen to you when you make good decision. I've never heard that before, but yeah, that's totally true.

Thanks for your words & for loging on just to responsed. You're wonderful! and I know you know a lot about the the whole situation. I know you're right. Sometimes i doubt myself, like this entire week...my emotions are taking me for a ride. and I need to be slapped in the face with some common sense. (You all are wonderful for that )

everything fell into place the way they did for a reason! and I really don't want my son to grow up just like his dad..I want him to know & love his dad, but not to be like him...He needs & deserves a better life than that.

I want to marry my finacee...I just don't want to fell guilty for it. but i know I shouldn't. My ex has had many oppurtunities to better him self & his life

[BornToResist]

I know one thing that truly helps me about my ex (although I'm not quite where you are *yet*), I pray for him. I pray he will stop standing in the way of his own success and happiness.

 

I agree with you about how children should grow up to love their fathers, but in our cases perhaps they can learn from them rather than follow in their footsteps. But they need examples of how to do that.

 

I think it could be considered a good thing that your son communicates with you about his feelings between you and his father. He's making it known to you and giving you a voice in the situation, not just blindly believing what his father tells him. You're a great mother and a wonderful person and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for getting the things in life you deserve.

 

Keep your head up.

[flower99]

thank you beauty21 for your words...reassuring & wise

born2resist. I do pray for him, mostly that he'll feel Gods love & draw close to him... but I've never prayed that prayer...that's a good one I'll add that one in, thank you. Yeah I am glad that my son feels comfortable enough to talk to me about what his dad tells him. I just keep praying that his mind be closed to lies & his eyes see the truth.

[flower99]

Youre welcome.. i would hate to see your happiness be taken away by someone who doesn't deserve your sympathies... who turns their son against his own mother?

 

lol....

a hurting mean unhappy ex. who thinks our sons heart is a prize to be won.:sad: who doesn't think of the long term effects of his actions & words

[valiantv]

Flower99, I don't think you could have expected any answers other than the ones given and maybe you just typed that to get it off your chest or have us reassure you what you already know, which is fine...

 

OK you may feel sorry for him, and it's terrible to feel sorry for someone, but stick with the good guy and let the ex sort out his own problems, if not for yourself, then for your son. It sounds like your ex is a bit of a manipulator in any case, and if so, he would know well how to tug at your heart strings.

 

You don't want your son to come from a broken home? Well that's exactly what'll happen if you entertain the abuser... Let your head rule your heart and prioritise what things are most important to you. Yourself and your son, or your abusive ex?

 

Not to mention the good guy, who seems far more deserving of your love than the ex.

[flower99]

Flower99, I don't think you could have expected any answers other than the ones given and maybe you just typed that to get it off your chest or have us reassure you what you already know, which is fine...

yep that's exactly what I needed...to get it off my chest (cause i don't want to try explaining this to anyone in person...so i knew people here may understand) and reassurance that i made that right choice. or else the brutal honesty if i made the wrong one....maybe by my negative talk about my ex, I didn't give him a fair chance. we had some good times, he's very charming, smart (but a lot of talk), kind- till you piss him off, he cooked me meals sometimes. stood by me while I was pregnant. we had a had fun & made some good memories, more towards the start though, we have a lot of history...but I feel the bad out weighed the good.

OK you may feel sorry for him, and it's terrible to feel sorry for someone, but stick with the good guy and let the ex sort out his own problems, if not for yourself, then for your son. It sounds like your ex is a bit of a manipulator in any case, and if so, he would know well how to tug at your heart strings.

I do need to do for me...and especially for my son.My ex totally does know how to tug at my hearts strings.... your right.

You don't want your son to come from a broken home? Well that's exactly what'll happen if you entertain the abuser... Let your head rule your heart and prioritise what things are most important to you. Yourself and your son, or your abusive ex?

 

Not to mention the good guy, who seems far more deserving of your love than the ex.

 

 

thank you valintv...especailly for the 'let your head rule your heart and prioritise what things are most important to you'

I really need to do that.