im engaged!...BUT how do i tell my mom?!

[mytimewillcome]

hi there..its been a while since ive been on this site...some advice would be great!!

 

i broke up with my ex of four years back in early october 2006 and at the end of october i met my fiance. he had gotten out of a four year relationship in april of 2006. we started out as friends and around feb 2007 i started really having feelings for him. ive had other boyfriends in the past but never felt like anyone was 'the one' or right for me to marry. i am 27 and he is turning 23. we are both working and having our own places. he is mature for his age(perhaps more mature than me!) on the weekend he proposed to me and i said yes! we dont plan on getting married until end of 2008 or early 2009. we both felt we are in a good place in our lives right now and we get along great! weve had our ups and downs but work things out! anyways, here where i need help!

 

my mom who lives 4 hours away visited me 2 weekends ago and gave me this huge lecture about not dating anyone seriously for a year or two years from the time i broke up with my ex. she feels i need alot of time to be alone and not be in any serious relationship. she has never gone out and said she hated this current guy but she definitely does not like the idea of me being in a serious relationship. she has seen him about 5 or 6 times since we met. since the lecture she gave me she sent an email reaffirming everything she said in person. (she addressed it to me and my 22yr old sister who got out of a 2yr relationship in mar 2007 and is sorta starting to see an new guy) my mom is a pretty traditional religious type.

 

so basically her arguments are that not enough time has gone by since my ex and now and then she brings up our age difference. i tell her that im happy and that i didnt choose for this to happen but she has it in her head that its too soon to be in a relationship with anyone. i plan on going down to visit her on the weekend with my fiance and tell her the news. its suppose to be happy news but im afraid of her reaction to such a serious commitment. i knows shes been a detective lately trying to gather any information she can about my fiance. i know she means well and loves me but i just want her to be happy. its my life but i want my mom to be okay with things.

 

so yea, has anyone had a similar experience where your parents arent so accepting of your engagement or marriage?! what did you do? any advice would be greatly appreciated as i will be seeing my mom this weekend. we are waiting to tell my mom before we tell his family. its so hard to keep this a secret when all you want to do is tell the world!!

[Suesser Tod]

It's your life and it's your choice. Whatever your mom tells you is nothing more than an opinion, and no matter what she says, she has to learn to deal with fact that you are engaged.

 

Stop worrying so much about what other people may think about your choices.

 

Drop the bomb...

[ResonanceTheory]

Okay...first of all:

I know how you feel. I was in a couple of LTRs (2 years and 6 months, consecutively), which I ended to be with my current boyfriend, who I am completely and totally more head over heels with than I have ever been with anyone in my life. Never before in a relationship have I believed so much in the other person and the lasting power of our partnership, or so totally and completely loved and accepted someone. I do truly want to marry him, have a family with him, and spend the rest of my life with him...all things that I believe can and, God willing, will happen.

After the two-year LTR, I was very badly hurt and, for lack of a better phrase, "in pieces". My mother felt the same way as your mother did, and advised me that I ought to be alone for a while before I got into another serious relationship. However, I didn't listen to her warnings...I went on as I wanted. Granted, I was hurt a bit along the way, but because I have met James and found someone who I am supremely happy with, I'm glad I followed my heart and took a risk...so in that, I applaud you.

However, let me bring up a point that your mother will undoubtedly bring up when you tell her. You say in your post that you met your fiance in october. What was the nature of your friendship in the time before you dated? Were you close, like best friends? I suppose I'm just bringing up the point that my own mother (who is a stark, pessimistic realist, especially when it comes to relationships) brought up when I told her that I FELT as if James (my boyfriend) would be the man that I was going to marry. Trust me, I know where you're coming from! It took a lot of guts and nerve just to tell her that much! He and I have been dating "officially" from the first day of March, thus making your relationship not that much older than my own. However, James and I were close friends for much longer, having met at the very beginning of college.

Anyways, my point is...I think that there's a chance that your mom will question the fact of whether or not you can be sure that someone is "the one" after dating for only "around" five months. Do you really know enough about someone after only knowing them for nine months to be sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with them? Or, alternatively, is nine months enough to know that you are ready to make the enormous financial commitment to the rings, the wedding ceremony, the dress, the honeymoon, the joining of financial assets, and so on...? Marriage is more than just a commitment of love--it is a financial and social binding as well. I know that you say that you are going to wait until 2008 or 2009 to actually get married, and you may believe that this time can act as a buffer or "trial" period in which you can discover and be sure that the path you are on is truly the path that is right for the both of you. But, if this is so, I have to ask: why do you need to tell anyone?

James has asked me--and I have asked him--quite a few times: "Will you marry me?" and while we are partly serious in our desire to be married, SOMEDAY, we both realize that there is a lot to learn about one another before be make that step. Nevertheless, we do tell each other that the other is "the one", so I understand the desire: I myself want to shout it from the rooftops: "I love James and I want to marry him!" however, I realize that there is a lot to learn about a person, and I certainly don't think that 15-- let alone 9-- months is a sufficient time to learn enough about a person. I have known James for 15 months and I am learning new things about him every day. It's not to say that you HAVE to know EVERYTHING about someone before you marry them, because people are complex, and there's a good chance that you'll be learning new things about your SO 5, 10, even 20 years down the line. However, I think that you should give it time before you become publicly engaged.

I know that being engaged is exciting...not only is it romantic, but the security of having a future partner is also a great comfort. However, I personally feel that you may be rushing into things, and I believe that your mother will feel similarly.

however, as the poster above me said...it's your decision. Everyone else's opinions--whether they are mine or your mothers'--are just that. Ultimately it is you that must make the decision.

[sti_2004]

hey what up,

 

im on your mums side i think...

 

imo it hasn't been long enough to get over your ex to be thinking about marriage ...and also it sounds like your really happy with ur current bf, why dont you keep that going by dating for a few yrs.

 

i think that the spark your guys have now wont be as strong with the engagement/ marriage hanging over your heads, though you may not no it.

 

you can do what you want but your pushing it regarding the way relationships work...

 

but then again i could be completely wrong...

[Thalia]

When I was in marketing school we learned various techniques to break bad/unexpected news. I frankly don't remember most of the tricks but the gist was to shift the expected course of the situation even before breaking the news, adopting a surprising attitude. So, I'd do something in the lines of going to your mum's, telling her with a bright smile "hey mum, I'm engaged, isn't this wonderful" and then going immediately away. Or prepare her for something really nasty, and then break the - hopefully not so nasty - news. Any trick is sort of manipulative, but sometimes it's just easier to do so. When I have to say something to my mother, I simply say it; but we are both a lot older than you and not really emmeshed or even much close.

[Hope75]

I think a long engagement would be a good idea, as sort of a compromise if you will. Your mom has a good point that jumping into a relationship and engagement is not the best of ideas, and you've been dating your fiance for only 4 months. So perhaps a year or two engagement to get used to each other and really have the time to get to know each other would be a good idea. If you pose the engagement to your mom like that perhaps you will get less of a fight.

[Siriana]

I am going to be the one without morals. If it's long engagements than you can tell her about it at the end of it. So tell her in 2008.