I need help with this stupid situation

[JimJohnson]

I dont know where to start but pretty much me and my girlfriend have had a rocky relationship since the beginning. We were always partying and making eachother jealous i guess. Last June she decided to cheat on me and it crushed me. We were even more rocky..pretty much off and on through the summer, well she got pregnant in october and we had our daughter on May 31. I am starting to get really annoyed because I work 40+ hours a week to support us because she is not getting any State Disability and she is stayin home to take care of the baby. Every night when I get off work I help out with the baby as much as possible until around midnight when i fall asleep and get up to go to work at 9 A.M.. So this morning she has told me I dont help out enough so I asked her what I can do to fix it. She told me to wake up in the middle of the night. I told her it was crucial I get my sleep because I work all day then take care of the baby until midnight everynight. She is never happy with me or what I do. I told her I help out in more ways then you can think. I pay your medical, our daughters medical, groceries, bills and rent... I pay it all and you are saying that I do not do enough.. This is not the first time she has said that. So I got very irritated because honestly I am doing everything I can to make it for us and I feel like she keeps telling me I need to try harder. I dont know what to do. She said she will move out because we argue too much and I dont help out enough. I told her to move out then and when she does I expect something showing how we are going to share split custody of our daughter because I would die if I wasnt able to see her. Am I in the right by saying fine move out? I really dont know what to do. I am sooo tired of this ish because I do everything I can to make her happy and she takes it for Granite. I am never good enough for her.

[drewciouS281]

Why dont you guys try getting counceling. Personally i would have kicked her to the curb the minuite she cheated on me but to each thier own. Now that you guys have a kid its a tough call to make. Ask her if she is willing to see couples counceling. If you guys dont have the time than maybe yu do just need to split.

[JimJohnson]

I dont think I am going to put anymore into this relationship. We have been together for 2 years in July. It obviously isnt working out. I am 21 and she is 19. I think this whole relationship is stupid

[darkpumpkin]

Sounds like your at your ends whit with this whole thing. How do you guys talk? is there fighting and does she just get defensive when you try to talk to her?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

ok... Jimjohnson..

 

Paying the bills and supporting your family is GREAT...

 

However, i think what your girlfriend is saying is...can you take care of some of the evening wake ups? can you help out just a little more ...so she can have a break? she is with your baby ..24/7 no break ... she needs you as the babies father to support her more ...while going to work and bringing home the bacon is GREAT... you need to physically do more when it comes to caring for the baby.

 

I understand that you feel frustrated ..but in todays society...bringing home the bacon doesn't cut it ... and you are waaaayyy wrong for holding that over her head..

 

it takes two to tango... you were there when she conceived that baby... so you gotta put in the time.

[JimJohnson]

She gets defensive over everything. She is always looking for a fight.

 

healing- If you didnt see... I come home everynight and am with the baby til midnight-2 am taking care of the baby while she is sleeping. I think working 8+hrs a day and then spending 6-7 Hrs a day taking care of my baby is most definitely sufficient time enough. That is 14+ hours between work and caring for our daughter. Your saying thats not enough and that you agree that I am not doing enough?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Every night when I get off work I help out with the baby as much as possible until around midnight when i fall asleep and get up to go to work at 9 A.M.. .

 

Odd ..i thought you said midnight not 2 am... and if you get out of work at about 5pm... then you are technically only with the baby for 5 hours a night.

 

And she is your baby and your responsibility as well.....so you shouldn't complain... or even remind your GF that you are "paying the bills"... that just doesn't work in todays world.

 

what about on the weekends? what happens then? do you ever take the baby for a few hours so your GF can do her own thing for a few?

 

I'm not arguing with you ... i'm simply pointing out a different perspective.

[JimJohnson]

No I work 9-6 and then get home by 630 and then up with her til midnight or 2 am. while my gf is sleeping. On the weekends I take them both out or I take care of the baby.

[ghost69]

i think you should leave this girl and try and take care of that kid as much as possible. let her become a mess by going out and partying and what not. then you get custody.

[Rabican]

jeez, you are paying all the bills and helping out at home and she wants you to wake up in the middle of the night... I dont think so. Unless she has the flu thats out of the question if shes not working.

 

Tell her not to let the door hit her on the way out.

 

Either that or go to counselling once so that they can tell her how nuts she is for thinking you dont do enough. If she thinks any other guy would do her one better shes wrong.

[Rabican]

She gets defensive over everything. She is always looking for a fight.

 

healing- If you didnt see... I come home everynight and am with the baby til midnight-2 am taking care of the baby while she is sleeping. I think working 8+hrs a day and then spending 6-7 Hrs a day taking care of my baby is most definitely sufficient time enough. That is 14+ hours between work and caring for our daughter. Your saying thats not enough and that you agree that I am not doing enough?

 

No jim, you are doing enough. Anyone who thinks brining home the bacon doesnt cut it in todays society is either A) a feminazi or B) an emasculated guy

If you are already working 8 hours then you should be allowed those 8 hours when you get home to sleep, uninterrupted. Your wife/gf can sleep during the day when she can squeeze it in... you cannot do that at work.

[zeino]

Hi JimJohnson,

 

And congratulations to you and your girlfriend on your baby daughter. Good wishes for her for many more years to come.

 

To answer your immediate question, yes, it's obvious that you are putting your fair share into this relationship and it should be appreciated. It's also obvious that you are rightfully overwhelmed, frustrated and angry.

 

yet, it's equally obvious that you should not take part in custody discussions and stuff right now - simply or the reasons above. You may act hastily with anger and regret it later.

 

I have read your other posts as well and you guys seem to have gone through a great deal together. Without fully resolving some other issues, you now have the baby and that requires its own adaptation period anyway. I can understand that this is all too much and you sort of feel trapped, suffocated. But please do not forget, whatever you are feeling right now, your partner is feeling them, too (at least because she is going through a lot of changes too- hormonal, chemical, you name it.) In this sense, you are actually not adversaries here. You are in the same boat but in frustration, you turn against each other.

 

You may also be feeling trapped because you were about to put your life back onto track and then were obliged to go back to your girlfriend and you feel like taken for granted. But here too, you are overlooking certain things:

 

I bet she feels you are good enough for her -she CHOSE to have your baby, and she CHOSE to tell this to you.

 

You BOTH had other people in your lives but CHOSE to stick together in the end - many people would do otherwise despite the baby.

 

You seem to have more ballast than your girlfriend but in the end when she starts a fight, you join it. That is, you BOTH need to improve your communicative skills.

 

You BOTH seem alone in this, without sufficient support from your environment.

 

Do you think you are truly, incurably incompatible with her, or can you imagine having good time with her - if you could sort out your problems?

It takes two for a relationship to work and you cannot change her, but you are responsible to yourself and to your daughter now. Try to be more constructive, and if doesn't work, then sit back with a cool head and decide what is best for you and your daughter. You seem like a strong enough guy to do that.

 

... (tbc)

[zeino]

On being constructive:

 

rule 1: no shouting around the baby, never forget they are easily affected

 

rule 2: you have been neglecting yourself. nurture yourself a bit.

 

Also,

 

When you think she is being unfair to you, do not immediately defend yourself with a counter-argument. She has a different mind-set at that moment, so she cannot actually hear what you are saying. Do not minimize or invalidate her demands by saying they are, say, cruel, either. First show her that you hear what she is saying. You can do this by paraphrasing what she says. She will see that you are empathising with her and it will slow her down a bit. Then you can state your point using "I" statements -without attacking her. This way, you will be able to hear each other during an argument. You can also ask her to practise the same during your discussions.

 

You two can also make a list for yourselves: what are your boundaries, what are you willing to give, what are you not willing to change? Try to negotiate on them. Her demands may seem meaningless to you and vice versa. Do not judge them, you have different realities at the moment, but they are still your realities. Try to accommodate them, but also state your boundaries clearly and ask them to be respected. It should not be completely your way, it should not be completely her way,but what is your midway? Ask her to contribute to the creation of this midway.

 

And dear Jimjohnson,

 

These may not help you to sort out all your differences with your girlfriend, but you try to grow on your own then. No matter what she does, you are responsible for your own growth as an individual.

 

Whether you wish to remain with her or not, try to understand her because she is the mother of your daughter and her psychological well-being is inevitably connected to your daughter's. You will have to communicate with her whether you are together or not, so please try to develop healthy strategies for your own sake.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

zeino

[BellaDonna]

Congratulations on your new daughter. I am sorry to hear that things are not going well for you and your girlfriend.

 

It seems to me like you are definitely doing enough. It doesn't sound like things are going to get much better in this situation without some major type of intervention.

 

Would you and your girlfriend consider couples counseling?

 

Having a new baby is definitely going to add some stress to even the most solid relationships- however the key is to pull closer together and work as a team, instead of pushing away from one another. My guess is that some of the unresolved issues from the past are contributing to this current situation- and that this is about more far than the typical stress of a new baby. She's holding on to resentment and trying to view you in a negative light.

 

I think counseling is a must in this situation.

 

What was her response when you said "go ahead, move out"?

 

BellaDonna

[fnlyfrei]

i think you should leave this girl and try and take care of that kid as much as possible. let her become a mess by going out and partying and what not. then you get custody.

 

Ghost, I feel this was a very insensitive and destructive answer to this problem. Setting up either parent to lose contact with their child is wrong..children need both parents. The OP never stated that she was an unfit mother.

[ghost69]

Ghost, I feel this was a very insensitive and destructive answer to this problem. Setting up either parent to lose contact with their child is wrong..children need both parents. The OP never stated that she was an unfit mother.

 

but the OP did say she was pretty much self destructing and doesn't seem to care much.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

but the OP did say she was pretty much self destructing and doesn't seem to care much.

 

 

but we have to take into consideration that this baby ..is a month old..this womans hormones are probably raging...

[ycmanvs]

You work full time and then you take care of the baby in your free time. You are doing more than enough to take care of the child. If your girlfriend does not see that, then you can suggest that she get a full time job that pays as much as yours does and comes with all the benefits and then you can stay home with the baby. I am sure that option will not make her happy either. Do you have any relatives that can help out? Perhaps a grandparent? Is your name listed on the birth certificate? Depending on the state where you live, you can ask for custody and the best interest of the child standard is usually used, so that you might actually get full custody, if you can show that you can take better care of the child than she can.

Also, is there any reason why she can not get help from the state? Are you above a certain income level guideline?

There are various options for young parents.

[ghost69]

but we have to take into consideration that this baby ..is a month old..this womans hormones are probably raging...

 

yes, the welfare of the child. well, the child shouldn't grow up near a woman that pesters the man for uhm, pretty much doing everything.

[Iceman26]

I'll agree with some of the other posters that you are doing more than your fair share of the work. If you were simply working and not spending time with the baby, then I would say put in some time with your daughter.

 

However, that is not the case. What is wrong here is a serious case of immaturity on your girlfriends part coupled with the stresses of new parenthood.

 

If you and your girlfriend are truly unhappy and you don't think you can reconcile the relationship then end it as amicably as possible for the sake of your daughter.