she clarified things

[iamconfused5302]

I received a text message 10 minutes ago and my ex said, that she wanted to clarify things for me. That her and I will never get back together. She also mentioned, she found herself and that she doesnt want to pursue anything with me. But would like to be friends.

 

Im hurting so much now and dont know.

[taosnake]

What is it exactly that you dont know that she doesnt want to be with you or that you dont want to only be friends with her?

[miew]

Have you been together for long? Any signs before she texted you?

[seaneKY]

Pick yourself. Get mean. Don't let ANYONE push you around. Go out with friends and have a good time. People who throw you away for their own selfish gains aren't worth hurting for and you will come to that conclusion sooner or later. Why not make it sooner!?

[jettison]

I received a text message 10 minutes ago and my ex said, that she wanted to clarify things for me. That her and I will never get back together. She also mentioned, she found herself and that she doesnt want to pursue anything with me. But would like to be friends.

 

Im hurting so much now and dont know.

 

I feel for you. That kind of rejection is tough, especially when you were holding out for something more and had a glimer of hope. However, in some ways, this could end up being the best thing that ever happened to you because I can't think of a better way to have closure. In some ways, she's done you a huge favor even though it's really hard to see that now. She's allowing you to move on. What's worse is to lead someone on and give them hope when none exists.

 

Also, there's nothing worse then having to determine your own self-worth by what someone else thinks about you. Since your emotions are obviously wrapped up in this person still, it's obvious that you can never be friends with her.

 

I would reply. "Thanks for your honesty. This will help me to move on, and was what I was looking for. I think you're a sweet person, and I'd love to be friends, but I just can't see that happening now. Anyway, I hope you find that special person soon if you haven't already found him. I cared about you, but it's obvious that we just weren't right for each other. All the best,"

 

Take that high road, and then never look back. NC.

[elizmdavis]

I have been in her situation before. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years a while back. It was a time when I was really searching for answers about myself. I was growing mentally and spiritually. There was no room for the particular guy anymore. It was a blessing that I realized this because I was miserable with him. Not to say that is the case for you and your ex.

 

But if she wants to be left alone to grow, you must do this for her. I know you are hurting and I know you are confused, but it sounds like she is being honest with you.

 

Everything will be OK Do your best to take the situation for what it is!

[seaneKY]

What is it exactly that you dont know that she doesnt want to be with you or that you dont want to only be friends with her?

 

 

You ask too many questions without ever getting to a point. I'm not trying to be rude but it's infuriating!

[Zackinlaw]

I would reply. "Thanks for your honesty. This will help me to move on, and was what I was looking for. I think you're a sweet person, and I'd love to be friends, but I just can't see that happening now. Anyway, I hope you find that special person soon if you haven't already found him. I cared about you, but it's obvious that we just weren't right for each other. All the best."

 

I'm printing this out just in case I ever get dumped again! Great way to put in a concise but non-hostile way!

[lovelyc]

If I were you I would reply like this:

 

"Hey well I am happy for you but I am still hurting and would like no contact for awhile, I appreciate your offer for friendship but I think it's best to let time heal all wounds and then later on we can continue our friendship..I wish you the best"

[jettison]

I'm printing this out just in case I ever get dumped again! Great way to put in a concise but non-hostile way!

 

Thanks Zack. I am well on my way to Gold Member status!! (just kidding of course). I sent something like this to my ex after she dumped me. After she replied to me a week later with tears, I then followed up with:

 

"Listen, the litmus test is easy. If you're happier with me out of your life then you are with me in your life then I would never force you to keep me in your life. That would be absurd! I want you to be happy. You deserve it! There's no hard feelings. You need to do what's best for you."

 

In about another week, she was sure I was seeing someone else. The high road can be deadly. The higher the better. Maybe that's why we got back together three times. Hmmm.

[iamconfused5302]

I was not going to post this but Its over now. This is what she wrote before we went NC:

 

Thanks for sharing the piece with me. I read it on your myspace near the time that we first met and I have read this before so it wasn't exactly enlightening.. However, I think it gave me insight into everything that has been happening. I don't have clear cut answers, nor do actions show consistency or logic of any sort. I know I am acting crazy by telling you not to wait for me and yet am continuing to speak to you. And because I don't think that's being fair to you or myself, I think we should just let it be for now. What exactly does "let it be" mean? I guess that means let's just put each other on the back burner and go along with our lives until the time is right. When that time comes, we will know if we want to just get rid of what's left or try to start new.

 

It makes me sad if I think about not talking to you or seeing you but I know this is the best thing to do, for us. I don't want to re-start our relationship on another rocky foundation and then end up regretting things even more. I am a mess right now and there a lot of things on my mind and last night's incident did not help at all. I had such awful experiences with that person and almost ruined relations with my family and his coming back into my life was unexpected and frightening for me. I felt strong enough to meet new people and go on with everything but I think I need to give myself some time to just do me for a while. Maybe that's why I always felt like I needed some "alone time" and always felt my house needed cleaning when it wasnt thattt dirty. Maybe all I need is just to do what I have to do and learn to live alone without feeling lonely or helpless.

 

You and I are so much alike and I think you feel the same way. When you don't see me, or are left alone, it's really difficult to just stay alone in the house even if there are things that need to be done. I always feel like I have to go out or do something if I have a moment to myself. I really think I will be so much more at peace (as will you) if I can learn to just enjoy life and live without feeling so lonely or empty all the time. I have always had a man in my life and in the times that I didn't, I had wonderful friends and family to fill out the gaps. But I really think now it's time for me to stop depending on other people to help me live my life and just do it alone for once. I'm not sure that any of this will make sense, and you may not even understand where I am coming from, but this is where I am right now.

 

I know we have the potential to have a great relationship and for this reason, I am afraid to tell you we shouldn't see each other. Maybe we can email? Meet up once in a while? Just because I don't want to leave each other on the back burner too long and then realize later on that it's too late to bring things back.

 

I hope this email made sense, and I'm sorry I wrote this by email and not by hand but I know this is the fastest way to communicate with you. It's almost time to leave to meet you. Hopefully you'll read this before I see you.

 

 

Love,

 

XXXXX

[jettison]

She may not realize consciously that she's manipulating you, but she's definitely manipulating you. No doubt about it. She's leading you on in a huge way. It's a mindgame for her. This email reads as "I'm just being honest", but it's not very honest at all. She wants you to hang around until she finds someone that suits her better, and she doesn't have to be lonely. IMHO, the rest is just talk. I won't pretend that her words don't come off as genuine, but I'm just not buying it - anyone that would end an email like this with: Love, Well, that says a lot.

[bear12]

confused-

 

i'm so sorry you're going throgh this... how long were you in NC for btw? first, i think it's rather cold that she chose to tell her "decision" so to speak over a text, unless you prompted her for it? i'm not really sure....

 

i know there's nothing right now that can make you feel totally better.. i know that statements such as "she was using you, move on, you can do better" are of no solace to a hurting heart. the only thing i can tell you is that i've learned that hanging on to hope is one of the worst things in the long run. you were living in limbo and now you have an answer- even though it's not the answer you want, at least it might provide some closure and allow you to start the *real* healing process... meaning really moving on and knowing you're not getting back together rather than just trying to live w/out her for a period of time.

 

i know how much it hurts.. and it probably will hurt for a long time. i wish there was something i could say to make it totally better, but as cliched as it sounds, try to think of today as the start of your new beginning, your new life... we're blind to it now, but i bet in five years we'll look back at these times and not only be grateful for how far we've come, but perhaps even be grateful to our exes for breaking things off and allowing us to experience new things and meet new people than we otherwise would have... i hope...

[Zackinlaw]

That email makes me question her motivation for sending the text message today. Did she find a new boyfriend?

 

Like Jettison, I think she has been manipulating you to hedge her bets. Now for some reason, she doesn't want to hold out that carrot any longer.

 

Sorry, man ... I know she was your girlfriend ... but I REALLY don't like her!!

 

Zack.

[iamconfused5302]

Hello,

 

thanks for everybody's replies and suggestions. I really really appreciate that. I dont know what I would do , if they did not have a site like this.

-She broke it off with me on June 14th, then saw me on friday and hung out on monday. Then did no contact on june 20th and that is when she wrote that letter. When we hung out on friday and monday, everything was like where everything is. I had her do the contact not me. Im hurting so much now but I have to get a grip on myself.

[Zackinlaw]

I'm glad we could help. She's taken it 99% of the way with her text message. If you take it the other 1% and say "no friends now either, please don't contact me" (say it nicer --- the way Jettison suggested), You will be ready to start the long hard journey of reclaiming your life. We at ENA will always be around to support you, give you advice or just let you vent.

 

Good luck,

 

Zack.

[TMinCali]

Jettison/Zackinlaw:

Perhaps it's a female thing, but there are many times where we need to get away and find ourselves again. And yes, it may be selfish, but sometimes we'll get so caught up in a relationship, we lose who we are and begin to feel like a prisoner. I don't think her original email was trying to be manipulative. I believe she truly was lost. I have been there, and it cost me my bf. I love him so much, but I knew that if I didn't get me back that we'd never work as a couple. He obviously saw things the way you two are and it's very unfortunate. I guess I was wrong for expecting him to wait for me, but I told him (just like imsoconfused's gf told him) that I wanted to stay in touch and that what I was doing did not mean I didn't love him.

 

There is a major communication breakdown between people sometimes, and it's very unfortunate. Perhaps her text to him was after he did things to make her upset and angry. I get the feeling we're not hearing both sides of the story.

[andy5128]

Confused

 

This is still early days here.. The break up right now is quite raw not just for you but for her too. Give her that freedom she wants right now mate. Disappear dont do friends well not right now anyhow if you cant deal with it. I would personally disappear for a while and join the NC club. Sometimes you dont realise what you are missing til it's gone! Anyhow, dont worry yourself about her any longer well not for now. Now it's all about you..

 

Take Care Mate

Andy

[jettison]

You're right TMC, there's two sides to every story. However, what do you think the percentages are for people that give the "I need space" line, and then end up working out longterm? I don't know them, but i'm sure that they're catastrophically low. Once a person gets dumped, they start self reflecting and their self esteem takes a hit. The next step is, they tend to grovel and plead and be sweet. When the dumper sees this, all they think is "I've just dumped this person and they are not cursing my name?! What the hell is wrong with them?" They may say "I still respect you", but you'll find that's a lie. They are now so sure of this person's love and devotion that they will lose every shred of respect they ever had for this person. It's sad but true, and it's true 99% of the time.

 

This DOES NOT make the dumper a bad person. Unfortunately, it's just a by product of breaking up, and it sucks for both parties.

[servedcold]

I don't like her either. She reminds me of my ex. Her selfishness and sense of entitlement shine right through in that email. Count the number of "I's" in there, I-I-I-I in writing usually, but not always, means, "It's all about mememe!" and you don't need that.

 

My ex actually wrote MEMEME in a post breakup email and it torpedoed my respect for her. Then on reflection, I realized it was always about her when we were together. Any time she attended to me or my needs was just to make herself feel less guilty for being so selfish. I called her on it in a blunt way once, and she admitted it was true, shoulda dumped her then. If you feel you are in the same boat, adjust her reality by going strict NC and find a more giving person. Best wishes.

[laugher]

I agree to some extend with this view. People do get lost in a relationship or at least they can feel they do.

 

She is very confused. NC is the only way to go.

[TMinCali]

I don't like her either. She reminds me of my ex. Her selfishness and sense of entitlement shine right through in that email. Count the number of "I's" in there, I-I-I-I in writing usually, but not always, means, "It's all about mememe!" and you don't need that.

 

My ex actually wrote MEMEME in a post breakup email and it torpedoed my respect for her. Then on reflection, I realized it was always about her when we were together. Any time she attended to me or my needs was just to make herself feel less guilty for being so selfish. I called her on it in a blunt way once, and she admitted it was true, shoulda dumped her then. If you feel you are in the same boat, adjust her reality by going strict NC and find a more giving person. Best wishes.

 

Wow, you seem extremely bitter. Perhaps if you respected what SHE needed to do for HERSELF you wouldn't see it as her being selfish.

 

It sucks when other people can't understand this and take it personally.

[LBP]

TMin, consider this: When you do things that affect other people, personally, for your own benefit... How can you be disapointed when they take it to heart?

 

Taking a break isn't a minor thing. It's like a knife in the heart. You can choose to live with the pain or move past it. You were asking your bf to live with it and became resentful when he didn't want to (just as you didn't want to live with the pain of what was happening to you).

 

When you stab someone in the heart, tell them that they are excluded from your process, it is selfish. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that. But do consider the view of others.

[servedcold]

Wow, you seem extremely bitter. Perhaps if you respected what SHE needed to do for HERSELF you wouldn't see it as her being selfish.

 

Don't know where you got the bitterness part...

 

The email printed in this thread was purportedly about a relationship, not about a single person, yet the words "I, me and myself" appear some 54 odd times, whereas the words, "you, we and us" appear only 22 times. I find that very telling in such an email...certainly up to the OP as to how he wants to interpret it.

 

It sucks when other people can't understand this and take it personally.

 

My advice and opinion about the OP's problem stands, sorry -you- seem to be taking that personally.

[TMinCali]

TMin, consider this: When you do things that affect other people, personally, for your own benefit... How can you be disapointed when they take it to heart?

 

Taking a break isn't a minor thing. It's like a knife in the heart. You can choose to live with the pain or move past it. You were asking your bf to live with it and became resentful when he didn't want to (just as you didn't want to live with the pain of what was happening to you).

 

When you stab someone in the heart, tell them that they are excluded from your process, it is selfish. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that. But do consider the view of others.

 

(sigh)

Ok, I needed to hear that again. I guess I'm having a hard time seeing this perspective, but I do understand that it exists. I wish I would have understood this when I was talking to my ex about a break. I was too proud to admit that I was terrified of losing him, and I was also afraid he was going to hurt me.

 

I figured the "break" would allow us to regroup and come back together with a healthy mind. He did mention how I always used the word "I" and "me". God, I wish I could have talked to you guys before my decision.

 

I'm still so very confused. I never, ever wanted him to feel like he was rejected or that I didn't want him to be part of the process.

 

I guess I see both perspectives, but I'm trying to justify mine so I don't feel so flippin guilty.