she clarified things

[iamconfused5302]

she wrote in her text that , she doesnt ever never want to be with me. she doesnt want to pursue a relationship with me.

'- i dont know im so upset and thought i could not cry anymore and now i can cry for once.

[iamconfused5302]

sorry what does IMHO mean?

[iamconfused5302]

she told me she found herself and that was few days afterwards. I think that was really quick that she said that.

 

i dont know if she is really confused, esp if you read the letter she wrote me and suddenly texting me saying i dont want pursue a relationship with me.

[iamconfused5302]

thanks so much for the reply, have you read the emal she sent me through the threads. It seemed like there was hope there and all of a sudden with this text.

im just blah?>

[iamconfused5302]

Thanks for the comments.

 

Even though she said that we will never have a relationship again and that she found herself. She still considering our relationship in limbo?

 

What I wanted to do is NC to heal myself and have her miss me.

[papalazarou]

sorry what does IMHO mean?

 

 

In My Humble Opinion...

[spaced]

When in limbo - is it a good idea to ask for clarification? Im tempted because at the moment she's re-evaluating how she behaved and reacted with regards to our relationship - i believe its not a hopless situation..but i just dont really know?

[iamconfused5302]

she texted me yesterday and said that," she will never would want to pursue a relationship with me again." in addition, she found herself.

[iamconfused5302]

she said, she has no feelings for me. I mean, could that be true?

[andy5128]

Hi Confused

This has taken a turn of events I know things looked quite optimistic before and then suddenly boom it falls apart. In her eyes the decision seems quite clear at the moment.

Right now mate you need to get to that I desire my ex but I dont need them stage. From what you are saying you are trying to work out everything she says and it's not helping you.. trust me been there and bought the t-shirt. Don't worry yourself about her feelings or what she has said.. At this time and for now it really does not matter any longer. She has given you the I dont want you anymore scenario. The best thing to now do is respect that. Get yourself to a position where you dont need her but you desire her.. Thats a stronger position. Think of it this way.. I want a Aston Martin Vanquish but I dont need one! You dont NEED your ex but you want and desire them obviously.

It's all about you know, that switch has happened it's not worth hanging on for scraps anymore as it's not what she wants. So dont worry about her, her feelings, her reasons etc anymore. Move forward and work on YOU right now. It will be tough. If she wants you she will come back to you but no more chasing from you.. It's not what she wants. She no longer wants you so give her exactly what she wants now..

 

Andy

[iamconfused5302]

Thank you so much for the helpful comments. I will still remain no contact and work on myself to be a better man. It was odd with the mixed signals from the letter and all of sudden this.

[iamconfused5302]

Its going to be hard not seeing her because we both have mutual friends.

-What am I going to do when they ask me to hang out and my ex is going to be there? Back out , and say I cant go cause i have other plans?

 

I dont know how she would feel or things can be better cause she sees me? i dont know.

[thelonelydoll]

Better in what way? If you mean by seeing you she will suddenly want to reconcile, I think you're wasting your time and energy.

 

Turn down whatever invitations you please, and don't bother to give a reason - let them wonder.

[iamconfused5302]

When I turned down the invitation, some of my friends got a little upset. only the girls, since im like the party favor in the group.LOL. Weird thing is, i was friends with them first. Regardless, i dont care.

 

So your suggestion is, to avoid a group of friends when my ex is there?

[andy5128]

Hi Mate

 

This meeting with friends when the ex might be there. This is more about you here not her. You need to ask yourself can you handle it?? If a guy hangs around your ex and she is liking the attention can you deal with that?? Those are the things you need to consider. If you can be indifferent which if I am being honest with you right now mate from what you have been posting I would avoid it like the plague as it really wont help you. A month or so from now you may feel alot different about it all though. So it is really about how you feel and if you can handle seeing your ex and even more so could you deal with her getting attention from others etc..

 

Now I am well on track with my healing but I have to be honest with myself if I got invited to a night out and knew my ex was going to be there with her new boyfriend I would right now give it a miss. As although I would get by it would make me feel down probably not on the night but the next day. I am getting there though and I am sure you are too mate so stick with it..

 

Andy

[thelonelydoll]

So your suggestion is, to avoid a group of friends when my ex is there?

 

Yes: don't go if you think that seeing you will reignite a spark in her; if you think that seeing her will open you up to hope. I'm saying you should feel free to turn down invitations if you don't want to go, and you don't need to offer an excuse. "I have plans" is a great, neutral way to get out of things. Don't worry about them getting upset, and don't fall into the trap of being the party favor.

[iamconfused5302]

I thank you so much for all your inputs on my posts. This really made me put things in a diff. perspective. I will have to remain in NC mode.

 

To be honest, Im feeling much better now. It may be quick but I have been getting my heart broken so many times. I guess you get use to it. Yea, I still miss her and yea, i want to be with her. There is nothing I can do or say to have her change her mind. Time can only tell.

[iamconfused5302]

So far, last time she contacted me was this past tuesday. Saying that she doesnt want to ever talk to me again. Yea, People say to me there alot of fish in the sea and plenty of girls out there. The only thing is, I dont even want to think of that. My dad and friends trying to hook me up with girls. I just want her and its hard. I dont think of it too much but its always in my mind. It was a learning experience and made a stronger person.

[kgirl]

Hey iamconfused.

 

I know exactly how you feel. People go "she's a b*tch, she used you, you can find something so much better" as though it will help. And it doesn't! You feel worse! Like you were duped into believing that a person who you could spend the rest of your life with was not who you thought they were. Like it was an act. Like you loved someone who wasn't worthy, or worse, that you actually weren't worthy for them.

 

More fish in the sea? Forget it! You like THIS ONE. It's the perfect salmon, or whatever, and you can't just switch to marlin. You don't LIKE MARLIN. YOU WANT SALMON!

 

What I think is best for you, right now, is to not worry about what other fish there may or may not be out there. It's not about "getting over her" right now. Because you're starving. And you think you can only have one kind of fish, the only kind you can't get right now. And someday you will not feel that anymore, but that is no solace right now. What right now is about is making yourself feel better again, and everything else will follow after that.

 

So because you are, in a sense, starving, do whatever it takes to take a step back from the situation. Your break is sooo recent. That, for you, is actually a good thing. You've done very little to cause irrepairable damage. She hasn't gotten the chance to miss you yet. You haven't had the chance to feel better about yourself yet and decide if this woman is really the one for you yet. You absolutely will however, and you are in control of exactly how to do it.

 

You have nothing but feeling better to look forward to. I have to tell you, nothing matches the despair like it does in the beginning. You feel like you're dying, like your body can't even cry any more, that you're worthless, loveless, that noone will ever love you again, and even if they do, you could never love them because you love one person, and one person only, and it's over.

 

But the great thing right now is what you have is an opportunity. Yes, she told you she never wanted to be in a relationship with you again. Some people will tell you "Oh that's good, now you can move on." Sheesh, if only it were that easy. What I want to tell you is this. She says she never wants to be with you again--Oh good, she has no idea what she is talking about. She is saying something but is not saying exactly the truth. Because the truth is, she, and no one else in the world, has the ability to predict the future.

 

Before I get tag-teamed for giving you false hope, let me say this. When people are angry and looking to cut and run to save their own feelings and acting in a way that serves them best, it hurts. They will say ANYTHING to get you away from them. It really sucks, and it really cuts to the core. But I want you to instead hear what is behind what she is saying, and not the hurtful tone/words/manner in which she is saying it.

 

What she wants, as of this moment, is for you TO LEAVE HER ALONE. She really really wants that. At some point, she may very well not. But that's what she wants right now. So do it! Leave her alone. Act like it doesn't matter to you until it really doesn't. Leave her completely alone. That means not going to events where she will be until people understand that you are for real and stop holding events where both of you are at in a small capacity (not talking about big parties here, but a group of four friends and she's one--NO THANKS!!!). That means block her from myspace, take her number OUT of your phone--don't worry, you can always get it back, block her from IM and start marking on your calendar what a stud you are for each day that goes by that you give her exactly what she wants.

 

That is, to leave her completely alone. She needs to miss you. And you need to stop missing her. I swear to you, I have no idea why it works, but the second you stop NEEDING this girl in your life is the second that she will come back into it. At that point you can decide if you really want to pursue things with her or not. But it will be your choice. And you will be in such a better position than right now, because you aren't acting from a choice. You are acting from a place of desperation, addiction to the drug of her, neediness and rejection.

 

We want what we can't have. Plain and simple. If you weren't obsessing about her this much when you were together and things were just peachy, then think to yourself, why are you doing it now? Because she rejected you! And it sucks to lose. It hurts to be pushed aside. And it consumes you. The idea of getting someone back is like being hooked up to an IV of craziness, constantly pumping into your brain "You aren't worth anything if you don't have her." You know in your head it's wrong, but you're thinking with your heart. The movies will have you believe that thinking with your heart is the only way to truly live. But that is so wrong. It has to be a balance of both head and heart or else we'd never have jobs, stay faithful in marraiges, follow the law, whatever.

 

You have not even had your learning experience yet. You will have it in the weeks that follow, in how you react to this situation. You can absolutely do this. And you will.

 

So serious on that NC. No screwing around here! Out of sight for her, she's out of your mind (funny thing is, when you're out of her sight, she is relieved at first, and then starts going--hmm where is that guy I thought I knew? He has a new life? A new girl? Is he happier than me? Did I make a mistake?).

 

Her becoming attracted to you can absolutely happen. And once the breakup is a little more distant, you will slowly begin to realize that you don't even care if she is attracted to you. Because of all the good stuff that you will be doing for you. Then perhaps you can start fresh with her, or someone else. But in the meantime, know that this is all about you right now. This is your vacation from the pain of that relationship. And thank goodness that relationship ended. Because when you start a new one, with her or with someone else, all this crap will be gone and it will feel so amazing.

 

So work out as much as possible. Eat right. Sleep. Go out with your friends--hang out with the guys as much as you want. Wear whatever you feel like. Watch the movies she hated. Drive to all the places she didn't like, and drive the way you want (take the longer route if you like it, or the shorter one). Thank your lucky stars you don't have to suffer through a shopping trip where she frets over a pair of jeans for 40 minutes, or another Sex and the City marathon, etc. Hang with your family. Volunteer at a shelter for animals. Go swimming. Draw or cartoon. Go white water rafting or bungee jumping or camping or hiking. Read something amazing, write your thoughts here and stay strong.

 

I know that it doesn't seem this way, but you have nowhere to go but up. Just back off, because by giving her what she needs (and I know this is your goal right now, the good thing is that your goal will change) is what YOU NEED. And you are important. Not her. You get to do with your life what you want. She doesn't dictate it. She doesn't get to hold you back. You can do anything that you want, so focus on everything else in your life that means something besides her. Because your romantic relationships are only a slice of an incredible life.

 

Are you doing something meaningful and with purpose? Are you having fun with your friends? Enjoying outside? Seeing your favorite bands? Learning how to play the guitar/graffitti/surf/stock car race/fish/breakdance/whatever? Helping out your family? Checking out your favorite director's movie? A video game you love? Going to church if that's your thing?

 

The whole point of all this is that you are going to find "your thing" or improve upon something you already love. You are going to fill the void left by her by doing something that you love, and you will be able to break away from the position that you are in. And then, under the best of circumstances, you may be able to start fresh with her. Maybe it will be in 3 months, maybe a year...but I hope that when it does happen, and hey, anything is possible, that you are able to stand as a new man.

 

Because you may look at her and say, wow, I don't want to pursue this at all....

[papalazarou]

Wow kgirl.

 

A lesson to us all there. And so, so true!

[Clabs]

Hey kgirl!

 

That is such an awesome and inspiring post. Anyone struggling with NC ought to print that off and carry it around to look at during times of weakness.

[orchidrose]

kgirl:

 

Definitely agreed with all of the positive comments on your post! It's helpful to me too since I'm finally getting past that stage of outright "I'm going to die if I don't get him back," and I need to start looking ahead. Thanks!

[andy5128]

KGirl.. I have to say that is one of the best if not the best reply within a thread I have ever read. So top notch work... Hope your doing ok.. Iamconfused I agree with KGirl.. LMAO.. Andy

[mid50]

Hello...I hate to tell you that the same thing happen to me...I wish I could give you an answer that would help you feel better but as far as finding support I found it on this site one year ago( thanks Super Dave )...and Enotalone.

 

I find that Life is a personnal journey and at least I woke up health and alive today. My goal is to search for myself and to try to fiqure out who I am an what do I really want out of my life as long as I have my ex in my heart I refuse to bring anyone into my life but myself. Sure I get lonely but I even felt lonely in my relationship at times even when I thought things where going good.

 

If we set them free with our love and if they come back ....will they or us be the same....so many bridges can be burned ..

 

 

Read Super Dave...and try to gain some insite from all of his teachings..I always wanted Closure from her but I found it within myself...I am at times lonely but moving ahead in the positive...sometimes easier said then done but then again I'm on my own with my own mixed emotions about love..

 

dlh55

[iamconfused5302]

Thank you everyone for your speedy replies. KGirl- thanks so much for the inspirational saying. Actually made me feel better reading it, read it about 2 times. Its been almost a week with NC. I dont even want to go to sleep cause when I dream, I see her and it feels so real. For once in my life, I didnt leave work early or take off work because of this.