monotony & a whine

[shiner]

hello all.

 

 

i have been tortured with mental health problems for about 10 years now, and i dont think that things will get better. I've managed to stay alive so far, and will likely do so for a few more years yet. Thing is i dont really see a future other than living off state benefits. I have not had a girlfriend in years, i dont have any mates i dont have any money, i dont have a future. all i have is alcohol which i really truly hate. i only drink a few times a week nowadays and dont drink much either, but i know my future will evolve suffering, alcoholism and a premature death, whether by suicide or liver failure.

 

I do see a shrink, though she is useless and i dont have a rapport with her. I also see a community psychiatric nurse as well. for example no matter how much i beg for help, they never precribe anti-depressants, or sleeping tablets or effective anti-anxiety medication

 

As i suffer from debilitating anxiety i rarely go out, but when i do, I turn green , puke everywhere and faint when i do. I have been told that cognitive behavioural therapy would help, but because i suffer from psychosis i have been told that i am not eligible for CBT.

 

I also have to feed my mum becuase she is so heavily in debt. consequently im always broke and have a little money to spend on myself.

 

i just dont get it. i really dont see why i keep going, especially when i know what my future holds.

 

life really is a stupid thing.

 

cheers

[lauralied]

Wow Shiner,

 

I am sorry to hear about some of the misfortunes life has dealt you. Not being in your shoes I guess I can't give much insight, except for a couple things.

 

I believe that everyone's life has its share of hardships and trouble, be it in the form of physical handicaps, mental illness, addictions, shyness, abusive relationships, self-destructive behaviors, etc. etc. etc.

 

Now, we are dealt some hard stuff in life, some of it beyond our control, some we seem to bring on ourselves. Nonetheless, it is a fact of life that we are supposed to find ways to cope and deal and surprise, even Flourish, under these conditions.

 

Remember always that no one is put into this life without some kind of help to make it through. You must have some gifts, a talent, a personality trait, a quality, or even a person in your life, that casts some sunlight onto the shadows.

 

Try to remember that. You aren't alone in the world. Even if you had no family or friends, you have people like me here who want to take the time to help you out. You are a worthwhile, significant part of the world, and you need to realize that and make things happen for yourself, and stop being a victim. We are all victims of that difficult yet gratifying thing called LIFE.

 

Best wishes,

Laura

[traveller]

The good news is that you are talking about how you feel which is the most important thing.

 

It seems to me you have had a downward spiral into this dark depression caused solely through a medical condition which if diagnosed and treated earlier you would not be in this pain now. I battled with myself for years thinking i was odd or there was something wrong with me until i was diagnosed with severe mental depression and without medical attention there was no way on gods earth I was gonna come out from under the black cloud, couldnt, impossible, I was paranoid, had no self esteem at all, over emotional about everything, nervous etc. My doctor diagnosed me and put me on a course of tablets but most of all she said that what I had was nothing to be ashamed of and it was just like having asthma and it was treatable.

 

Mental illness is extremely common in one form or another and can be disabling and it is just that 'an illness' a recognised medical condition! You did not make this happen to yourself its just the hand the were dealt unfortunately and it is hard to get a grip of self worth when your brain cannot function in the way it is supposed to. I am outraged that your doctor would not prescribe some kind of anti-dep tablet especially when you have been off your own accord to get help.

 

Alcohol is not the answer and I know you know from your post but its a quick fix to stop feeling lonely, rejected, worthless whatever. I have been through something similar myself and am still battling with alcoholism even though my life has improved dramatically. Maybe the3 next step would be to join an AA group (if you cannot go out have them come to you) where there are like minded people trying to deal with the same issues? People do not choose to become alcoholics, they usually suffer from some kind of mental illness such as bi-polar, manic depression, clinical depression or just plain old low self esteem!

 

The issue with your mother is a hard one, I take it you do not have any siblings? Your not actually fir enough toi look after yourself properly let alone anyone else. You need time to get well before you can consider looking after someone else.

 

The main thing is you do want to help yourself and have made a positive move by posting on here and you will see from the replies that people understand and that you are a very worthy person you just need medical help, there is no shame in it! Dont give up! We are always here xx

[shiner]

salutations

 

i've had a good sleep and now feel ok. sometimes things get on top of me and i have nowhere to turn, so thanks for taking the time out to help. I have read everything that you have written (twice) and it was kind of you to offer these words of support. Im only 24 and have tried AA several times in the past. Despite the fact i was a heavy drinker from the age of 12 & have been locked up and forced fed librium in a psychiatric hospital to aid my DT's at 17, 18 & 19, the old timers treated me like a 'novice' boozer so i did not feel comfortable or accepted at meetings. i now have my boozing under control... well kind off.

 

I reckon what i am going to do, is get a counsel flat, grow boo and sit around smoking fat ones whilst listening to erika badhu. this way i dont drink, my liver wont fail, i will eat properly and will find a degree of happyness.

 

think happy, be happy. im trying that all the time, a kind of DIY cognitive therapy. it aint easy though. when ever i think of happyness i think of a 12 crate of ice cold beer and back to back episodes of the simpsons. sobriety does not really hit that equation. still being sober, is better than getting kidney dialisis twice a week.

 

traveller, you aint heard the worst of it. My mum went to the doc's a few months back and was precribed anti deps and tamazipan to help her sleep. that was a severe kick in the nads especially as she used to be hooked on tamazipam she also sleeps like a baby. Scarily I have to buy valium from a dealer which i use when i am collapsing because of anxiety.

 

I am truly sane in an insane world

 

anyway screw them. For the most part, the only person that can help myself is myself.

 

 

anyway, im writing a book here, and i need to scoot.

 

once again thanks for the kind words and best wishes