For those of you on no contact

[olena]

Hi all.

 

If any of you are trying to do no contact and you are tempted to call...read this...

 

I had been doing no contact for 2 weeks, until today, when I decided to call him...He was warm when he answered the phone asked me what I was going etc...he mentioned that he was looking for a ticket to fly back home as his mum is not doing well...and then I brought up us and mentioned that he has not been in touch lately...he said that it's because he's been so busy with his brother who only left yesterday and that he was not too sure what to say to me since last time we met I kicked him out of my flat...

I then said to him that if he really wanted to talk to me he would have done so...and that the rest of it is excuses...and then he said that he just wants to be on his own for a while, that it's not me as he loves me, and that he is just not happy with his life...that he can not ask me for anything, but to understand that he needs to be alone for now...and that he does not know what he future holds and that the only sure thing is that he loves me and that he is far from the idea of meeting other women...and load of other things along those lines...

 

The result? I started crying and hang up the phone wishing him a happy life because I was evidently too little for him to make a difference in his life...and the outcome? I have been crying non stop since this morning regretting that I called him as really it just reminded me of the fact that I am not so important in his life...

 

The moral learning is not to call someone who 'wants to be alone until further notice'...This move only ended up hurting me more, taking me back, and probably upsetting him and making him feel guilty and even worse for him self...

I have come to realise that it's probably more constructive for me to contemplate all day on what colour I should paint my nails that call someone who wants to be alone...

 

I am very upset, but I am learning my lesson, and I am hopping that in my new effort not to contact him I will be more successful...

 

Trust me....it hurts more to talk to someone you love, who has nothing new to say to you, than not to talk to them at all...

He broke my heart in another 1000 pieces, and guess who's gonna be having to pick them up yet one more time....

I trust, that if he wants to tell me something, he will find a way to contact me. In the mean time, I intend to become 110% invisible...

 

Olena

[NCGoodfella]

Thanks for posting this, I really feel your pain! I am in the same boat, actually most of my friends tell me to call her because she is going away next week, I just can't. This is the hardest part for me though, I work with her. I didn't go into work yesterday just because I couldn't handle another day of seeing her. I figured 3 days this weekend was better than 2 to try and get myself a little more together. We also went through the mutual break up of her needing to find herself, I do trust her that is was the real reason. It's such a hard lesson to learn not to contact, just keep posting here when you feel the need instead of picking up the phone.

[sandyv]

Very well said Olena, I know how you feel. I've wanted to talk to my ex so many times, but yet haven't done it. I last walked away from him a week ago. Well actually I ran away..... lol

 

Thanks for letting us know what will probably result from contacting them... It just isn't worth the heartache...

 

So guess what? You HAVE accomplished something good here, you've made me (and prolly all of us) think twice about breaking contact... It just may make you feel even worse than you already do.](*,)

 

Again thanks Olena...

 

(((HUGZ)))

 

Sandy

[Coyote9]

It's a process, and not an exact one at that. I'm 7 weeks NC at this point and I will say it gets easier, as I'm seeing the situation more for what it truly is rather than as my formerly emeshed self wanted it to be. You will likely remember this pain you feel today the next time you feel like calling him and you will be less likely to call because of it. What has slowly happened for me, is that I've found, rather than painfully hanging on to not calling her and barely making it through the day, I'm now committed to it because, even though I hurt most all the time still at some level, my gut and heart finally understand the NC is the key to geting me through this. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up!

[schueysgirl]

very well said Olena...i particulary liked where you said "I have come to realise that it's probably more constructive for me to contemplate all day on what colour I should paint my nails that call someone who wants to be alone..."

 

That is a brilliant way of looking at it and made me smile so thank you i am going to think of this and stay strong xx

[olena]

Guys,

 

I am at least glad, that I am in a way helping some of you to stick to no contact...

Believe me...it's much easier than dealing with what I put my self into...

I have decided...My taget now is to complete 20 days of no contact...(although now he may call me to babysit my cat whilst he is away and I wouldn't leave my cat to got to a cattery - out of the question as he will end up with a disease or something)...

But I will disappear other than that - hopefully with my cat...and if I succeed, then I am booking my self on a summer holiday...on my own, as it's better than with bad company....

 

I am going to the gym - there is a boxing class in a hour, and I feel like beating someone (preferably my self) up anyway....

Your replies made me feel better by the way.

 

Olena

[rokston]

thanks olena!! this post will help me keep better nc!

 

i'm in the same boat, doing some weird form of no contact where we dont speak for like a week and then she calls and says all the same lines 'i love you very much, but i need to work stuff out' etc etc. even though its torture not calling her, after we speak i always end up feeling worse for it - probably because i build up hope, which is not realized. from today i'm going to try and be a better nc keeper!!!

[olena]

Hi all,

 

I have been feeling very low since yesterday morning when I spoke to him...yesterday I ended up crying for most of the day, and today I trying really hard to hold back my tears...

It feels as if I have to start all over again...and the sad thing is that I don't seem to know what the destination is...I have no goals or dreams left anymore...

 

My heart is in 10000 pieces, and I don;t know which piece to pick up first...

 

olena

[Coyote9]

A lot of us seem to be struggling here right now for whatever reason. Hang in there Olena. I'm over 7 weeks with NC and, and fortunately for me my ex has no interest in talking to me, so it's must what's going on between my ears at this point that's the problem. When we are broken up with against our wishes, we put our ex's on a pedestal and remember only the good times or the dreams we had that now we can't realize, (we feel) without that person. The fact is, you were fine before you even knew this person. You don't need him. The craving is part of the withdrawl and it hurts like hell. But it will get better if you give it time and start taking care of you. You will have a future that will be just fine without this guy. Allow yourself to grieve. I still have many moments where it's all I can think about. But I also try to look at what small things I'm doing throughout the day that are helping me to take care of myself. Even things like going to work, taking care of my house and dog, etc. Nothing comes easily during this time but we have to simply trust that this too shall pass.

 

I've even run an online ad in an attempt to meet some new people, although that's not gone great, but it's a start. Unfortunately I got a sarcastic e-mail from one of my ex's friends who's on that site. I started to respond "but if she was still in my life I wouldn't be doing this" but stopped and realized I'm free to do what I want now and she and her friends can think and say what they want about it. I just included my inaction in not writing the e-mail as part of no contact. One book I read that really help me understand the break up process was the Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. She explains the grief process but specifically for breakups and not grief in general. It helped me understand that these feelings, self pity, shock, yearning, anger, despair, are all normal and part of what we go through before we let go of this person. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I know I can't go back and will move ahead from this point, even if by only inches a day. Be gentle on yourself today. And don't call him!

coyote

[Dan629]

it hurts more to talk to someone you love, who has nothing new to say to you, than not to talk to them at all...

 

Olena

 

 

I don't know why but after reading you saying this it made me realize just how right this is, and I automatically felt so much better about doing the no contact thing. This quote is perfect.

 

Whenever I call me ex and we have a good conversation and she seems interested to talk to me.. I feel better the rest of the day. But, if I call her and it seems like I am just bothering her. It makes me feel like I am heart broken all over again.

[rokston]

totally agree, it is a horrible feeling to speak with ex and feel that they have nothing to say to you or wish you weren't bothering them.. it sucks and brings up all the bad feelings almost from the start!! also makes me feel weak and pathetic. better not to speak with them at all.

[andy5128]

Look at this way folks.. You ever had one of those sales calls trying to sell you the best next thing.. What happens you either hang on the phone listening to a load of crap and wonder to yourself why you are listening to this and then come off the phone thinking to yourself why did I just waste 5 minutes listening to that rubbish. Or you may choose to hang up or say you are not interested. Put yourself in your ex's shoes, you are now that salesman, you are selling yourself but they are just not interested well not right now anyhow.. So best thing is go sell yourself elsewhere.. Get yourself a better job, get yourself some new friends, get yourself out there.. Someone is out there who wants to listen to you but for now not your ex..

 

Andy

[olena]

Hi guys...

 

I appreciated your posts...to be honest I was tempted to pick up the phone again today and I ended up breaking it instead (lol)...I don;t regret it as I would be feeling even worse than I have been feeling already...

 

At the moment, I just feel like being alone...I am thinking of booking my self to a spa next weekend just for the hell of it...Talking to my friends is like talking to a bunch of people that are determined to make me hate him and I just can't do that....so lately I have stopped tzalking to them about it all together....

 

Hopefully going back to work tomorrow will help a bit...as I will be surrounded by people and will keep me busy...

 

I just need time...and this time no contact will be about me...maybe I will contact him again, but hell I have promised my self, that it will only be when I am ready to sit in front of him and not get hurt by anything that he has to say...

The first time I stopped contacting him it was so that he notices that I am not around...to attract his attention...So imagine what a slap on my face it was when I spoke to him and realised that he had hardly noticed because he was too consumed with his own problems...

 

Olena

[smickey]

This is a really good thread to remind so many of us of the value of NC. I'm going through the same dilemma today - my ex will be at something tonight that I will be at. There are ways I can avoid talking to him and seeing him, but just knowing that he will be there is really tempting.

 

Having read this thread, I feel more inclined to do what I can to avoid him, maintain NC (51 days now) and keep working on myself. Especially as I KNOW in my heart that I whatever the outcome of a conversation/meeting, it won't be what I want or make me feel better. Because what I would want him to say would be that he misses me, regrets leaving and wants me back. And if he was going to say that, he wouldn't be waiting until some chance meeting to do it would he? Any other scenario (at this stage, until I'm ready to talk to him or be friends) is not going to help me heal.

 

This NC is really tough but it is ESSENTIAL to get yourself back and move on. Everytime you want to break it, get on this site and read the endless stories from people who broke NC and regretted it, and if you've broken it yourself just remember how horrible you felt afterwards.

 

Stay strong everyone!

[benga]

fantastic and a very insightful thread. Thanks guys!!

 

My perspective - I have been solid and strong for 6 months, so I am hoping the worst has passed.. Honestly there are still moment when I feel like ripping my heart out and screaming - WHY?? but is a process and you will have to process it the way you deal with it. Things get better over time and that's for sure. Life will never be what it was, and the faster we accept it, the better for us..

 

Benga

[PoopyBear]

*claps*

 

These posts makes me want to cry sometimes for all the hurt we cause each other in the name of Love.

 

Thank you Olena, I needed to read your post.

 

*Hugs*

[peaceseeker]

I have had my own lapses from no contact and have gone backward after every one. It' s a wicked trap...... almost uncontrollabe, burning desrie to speak, just speak, to the person we are used to seeing daily......and to think it can cause such havoc and result in so many tears. It's cruel.

 

My ex came to collect something from our house, I had not seen him in two months. It was awkward, he stared at me, me at him and then he made the comment "I feel like I am obilgated to say something". I though that summed it up. I got teary, he left. GREAT, that not how I felt after.

 

Olena, don't feel bad, it's natural to want to speak to you ex, especially given the situation. You know now, how it makes you feel. Maybe that means you'll only do it a few more times! I did it repeatedly, always wanting an answer I never was going to receive. I now think I finally understand, even though it eats at me on a daily basis.

[olena]

Hi all,

 

I am better today as I have been keeping busy at work...

I suppose after you hear from someone you love ' I need a break to find my self' or 'I want to break up' your system goes through a horrible shock...

 

Having spoken to him on Saturday and having had my face slapped yet one more time, I feel stronger and more determined now...I know that probably in a couple of days time I will feel depressed again, but well - I may just end up breaking yet another phone...! or banging my head on the wall!

 

But I am not going to call him...This time, I want to calm down and find things to distract myself and keep busy... I will soon start looking to buy my first flat so this should keep me fairly busy...

I realised today that I need to find a way to fogive him somehow.. If we work on the assumption that he is telling me the truth - that he loves me and needs time - then all I have been doing in the last few months is ruining everything for him and definitely for my self...

And at the moment, I am not capable of having a civilised conversation with him, without me ended up in tears...

So best to stay away...I suppose, it's like getting burnt and be aware of fire for the rest of your life...

 

In any case, I strongly believe that the only way for me and for all of us to find out whether our ex's loved us is with time....Time always tells the truth...If he does love me, he will come back...

God, when I was younger I was so much better at no contact...Hehe, one of my exs went all the way to Canada to meet this girl he had met online, and because I just completely broke contact with him, he one day rang me at 4 inthe morning to tell he how much he missed me...And guess what? Revenge is a plate that is best served cold...I told him to go back to sleep and give my best regards to the little girl he had left me for...

By no means do I want to do the same to chris as it's very very different...

But in a way, I realise that sometimes distancing your self from a situation makes you look at it more objectively, and become emotionally detached...

 

Olena

 

p.s. I should perhaps set this message as background on my laptop to read it every morning, as well as a bed time store to keep me off the phone!

[Coyote9]

It's an up and down process but you're doing better and that's wonderful. What I do when I feel especially vulnerable and want to call or write my ex is I do a pretend call in my journal...basically write out the conversation I know would take place....as I know her well and what she'd say, (why did you call, I have nothing to say to you, blah blah blah)...this exercise always ends badly and with me being grateful I didn't make an actual call. Silly but we do these things to keep ourselves stronger and accountable when we're so much in pain and distress. Stay strong!

[Clabs]

Hey Coyote!

 

Making that pretend call in ur journal is not silly - it is very sensible. You are right - if you did make that call I guarantee you wouldn't get the response you wanted - you have gotten it!

 

Take care of yourself!

 

Mark