Lovin_Life Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 So, I have been doing online dating and found this wonderful guy on Match. Actually he found me, but that is besides the point. I look at him and think I am not sure that I am attracted to him, but he has something that draws me to him. I know that if I saw him in a public place or walking down the street I wouldn't look at him and say wow he is good looking. He is very intelligent, has a great stable career, and also is very kind. He is everything I could ask for on a spiritual, emotional level, but physically (not body shape, he is in good shape) I am not sure how I feel. It is like it doesn't matter for once, and for me this is a new experience. I am very good looking and could have my choice of men (no I am not stuck on myself, I just know within reason I could have my choice), but I cant stop thinking about him. I know some of you may ask if I think that I could be intimate with him. The answer is yes, haven't gone there yet and wont for a while but I have kissed him and it was wonderful! Has anyone else had this experience, and if so did you later wonder what you were thinking or did it go well? Did they grow more attractive to you as time went on? I do feel that substance over looks is the way to go, I have never practiced the statement though. I appreciate any advice. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StarLily Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Yes You will find his appearance to be beautiful if you fall for him. If he's everything you ever wanted, don't let the face stop you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zackinlaw Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I look at him and think I am not sure that I am attracted to him, but he has something that draws me to him. Your whole post is confusing to me. You aren't attracted, but you are drawn to him. You aren't attracted, but you plan to be intimate and are blown away by his kisses. Help me out here ... are you really saying that you ARE attracted to him, but shouldn't be because he isn't good looking by objective standards???? Zack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovin_Life Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Zack, When you say it like that then yes you have a good point. So has this ever happened to you? Are you completely immune to objective standards? Don't you technically have your own objective standards? Don't we all? I guess I am saying in my post that he is not what I would normally go for in the looks department. Is this shallow, maybe but we all have an ideal right? I mean if we all dated blind folded don't you think that people who would normally do not even look at each other would fall for one another? My point is that this is a different experience for me, and I wanted some advice from those who have been in the same situation. I get that society places a huge emphasis on looks, and I am not saying that I will only date the model type. I am just a little surprised by the fact that I am drawn to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zackinlaw Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Well, I DID have a similar experience to yours, with a sad result. I am no hottie, but I am considered attractive by many. In my first year of college, I had a relationship with someone who was not considered attractive ... maybe a 4 on the scale of 1 to 10. We enjoyed each other, and had a great sex life that I was very much into. I used to get teased by my friends because I was dating an "ugly" girl (of course, 1/4 inch under the skin, she was very beautiful). That was a factor in our eventual break-up. In hindsight, I should have dumped my friends instead of her, and I regret it to this day! My point is that attraction is something that either happens or doesn't ... by your own internal SUBjective standards, not by someone else's OBjective standards. To me, she was sexy and beautiful, why should it matter what the rest of the world thinks??? Sure you are more likely to be attracted to someone who is considered good looking, but if you ARE actually attracted to someone who isn't, who cares why??? Zack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curbie Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 IMHO....I have found that you have to be mentally as well as physically attracted to the guy/girl. I once briefly dated this girl....and realized when I was talking to another friend of mine (who was female) could tell that I wasn't physically attracted to her. The girl I was dating...we were mentally attracted....but I just couldn't do it anymore. So I ended up leaving her. Sure did break her heart...but we're still great friends and she is back with her X now and they're getting married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StarLily Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Everyone has standards, but if he has a good body like you said and he's a great guy, then his only flaw is his face, right? If you're attracted to him than obviously he's not that much out of your standards. No one is perfect. Sure there are guys I would never ever date but those are the guys who make me fear for my life when I'm next to them. But you guys have kissed and all.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gracelove Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I have dated men in the past whom I didn't find attractive , I wouldn't suggest it. I personally don't think you should settle. I think that dating someone you're attrated to is important, natural, and healthy. Everyone has different standards of beauty. Someone you may think is really unattractive someone else may find beautiful, and vise versa. I don't think you should feel at all bad about refraining from dating someone you're not attracted too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovin_Life Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Thanks for the input! He is not scary looking, just not someone I would normally fall for. Believe me I wouldn't have kissed him if he looked like a monster or something Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StarLily Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 [quote=Lovin_Life for the input! He is not scary looking, just not someone I would normally fall for. Believe me I wouldn't have kissed him if he looked like a monster or something There you go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notsure2007 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 It's interesting to see this post from a girl. Most of my life, I learned that if a woman has fallen in love with a man, they can be attracted to even the most unattractive guy. However, men often fall in love with people that they are very attracted to, but it's hard for them to fall in love with someone they're not attracted to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StarLily Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 It's interesting to see this post from a girl. Most of my life, I learned that if a woman has fallen in love with a man, they can be attracted to even the most unattractive guy. However, men often fall in love with people that they are very attracted to, but it's hard for them to fall in love with someone they're not attracted to. It's cause the society doesn't put as much pressure on men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zackinlaw Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I think there is a bit of confusion here when using the words "attracted to" and "attractive." While there is considerable overlap ... most would be attracted to a younger Brad Pitt (or even a 40+ Brad Pitt, d**n him!!), and most would find that he was attractive as well. But this is a thread about the situation where Lovin is attractED to someone who is unattractIVE. That's an important distinction! Zack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HellFrost666 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Ugly people make better lovers. Just ask my girlfriend, she'll tell you, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StarLily Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Zack, your avatar freaks me out, It's moving! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anggrace Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Yeah Zach, your Avatar gets me too! I once dated a guy I thought was just okay looking, and the attraction grew. It was great for about a year. But as soon as those inner qualities I thought were so great started looking not so great, he became less attractive. So while I think its possible, youde better hope you can count on those other qualities that draw you to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woebegone Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I heard a quote somewhere, I will try to summarize it: "A man gradually falls in love with the woman he is attracted to; a woman gradually grows attracted to the man she falls in love with." Or something to that effect! It's somewhat true for me anyway... at first I fell in love with my boyfriend's personality, and now I find him more irrestistible than ever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HellFrost666 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I heard a quote somewhere that is relevent here too. "You don't love a woman because she is beautiful. She is beautiful because you love her." I don't remember who said it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 My take on this is that you know that objectively, you could do better in the looks department and that you are concerned as to how that will look to your friends, family, the outside world - that is the "settling" you are concerned about. Interestingly, I would have the same issue as you if I dated someone who objectively wasn't that intelligent -- I would be concerned about what other people thought (although in that case I too would believe that it couldn't last if I didn't find him intelligent). I would not have the same issue when it comes to the man's looks because that is not considered a priority among the people I know/affiliate with (the man's looks that is - the level of attractiveness of the woman the man has on his arm likely still is "judged"). The answer is yes yes yes a man's looks or "look" can grow on you - and that if you separate being attracted to from "conventionally attractive" that's why it makes perfect sense that you are drawn to him despite his not being conventionally attractive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poloplayer Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I do feel that substance over looks is the way to go You are right; this is the way to go. And to answer your question, yes, I have dated people who I was not attracted to at first but as I got to know them I began to fall for them - I really liked them as a person. They had many admirable and positive qualities about them that the chemistry grew for me. My take on this is that you know that objectively, you could do better in the looks department and that you are concerned as to how that will look to your friends, family, the outside world This is the reason many people around my age date someone hot; it's to stroke their ego and show to the world what they were able to snag. If you are comfortable in your own skin and with who you are then this should not be a factor. Them being hot is a bonus. For the record, I'm no saint. I learned the hard way in the past why I can get a "hottie" but I can't stand her, then repeat the same mistake. I was too concerned with the looks department and not focused on what really mattered to me in someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zackinlaw Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 OK ... adding the old chestnut because nobody has so far ... Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonhart Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 What if the thought of having sex with them made you want to vomit? Would you still overlook how they looked and continue seeing them anyway? This question goes out to everyone who denies the importance of looks in dating relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poloplayer Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 What if the thought of having sex with them made you want to vomit? You don't have to have sex with them; you don't need to date them. Why can't you just develop a good friendship with them? You never know where that friendship may lead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capricorn85 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I am going through the exact situation right now.....I have no idea what to do though, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StarLily Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I agree with the "you worry how it will look to your friends" comment. I used to worry, but then I *oops* fell, and it didn't matter anymore. My parents were asking me what the hell is wrong with me, so were some of my friends... but I didn't care. It's my life and I make my own choices. Don't let a good guy go just because you're concerned about what your friends will think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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