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Ever dated someone who you really didn't think was that attractive?


Lovin_Life

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So, I have been doing online dating and found this wonderful guy on Match. Actually he found me, but that is besides the point. I look at him and think I am not sure that I am attracted to him, but he has something that draws me to him. I know that if I saw him in a public place or walking down the street I wouldn't look at him and say wow he is good looking.

 

He is very intelligent, has a great stable career, and also is very kind. He is everything I could ask for on a spiritual, emotional level, but physically (not body shape, he is in good shape) I am not sure how I feel. It is like it doesn't matter for once, and for me this is a new experience. I am very good looking and could have my choice of men (no I am not stuck on myself, I just know within reason I could have my choice), but I cant stop thinking about him.

 

I know some of you may ask if I think that I could be intimate with him. The answer is yes, haven't gone there yet and wont for a while but I have kissed him and it was wonderful!

 

Has anyone else had this experience, and if so did you later wonder what you were thinking or did it go well? Did they grow more attractive to you as time went on?

 

I do feel that substance over looks is the way to go, I have never practiced the statement though.

 

I appreciate any advice. Thanks!

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I look at him and think I am not sure that I am attracted to him, but he has something that draws me to him.

 

Your whole post is confusing to me. You aren't attracted, but you are drawn to him.

 

You aren't attracted, but you plan to be intimate and are blown away by his kisses.

 

Help me out here ... are you really saying that you ARE attracted to him, but shouldn't be because he isn't good looking by objective standards????

 

Zack.

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Zack,

 

When you say it like that then yes you have a good point. So has this ever happened to you? Are you completely immune to objective standards? Don't you technically have your own objective standards? Don't we all?

 

I guess I am saying in my post that he is not what I would normally go for in the looks department. Is this shallow, maybe but we all have an ideal right? I mean if we all dated blind folded don't you think that people who would normally do not even look at each other would fall for one another?

 

My point is that this is a different experience for me, and I wanted some advice from those who have been in the same situation. I get that society places a huge emphasis on looks, and I am not saying that I will only date the model type. I am just a little surprised by the fact that I am drawn to him.

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Well, I DID have a similar experience to yours, with a sad result. I am no hottie, but I am considered attractive by many. In my first year of college, I had a relationship with someone who was not considered attractive ... maybe a 4 on the scale of 1 to 10. We enjoyed each other, and had a great sex life that I was very much into. I used to get teased by my friends because I was dating an "ugly" girl (of course, 1/4 inch under the skin, she was very beautiful). That was a factor in our eventual break-up. In hindsight, I should have dumped my friends instead of her, and I regret it to this day!

 

My point is that attraction is something that either happens or doesn't ... by your own internal SUBjective standards, not by someone else's OBjective standards. To me, she was sexy and beautiful, why should it matter what the rest of the world thinks???

 

Sure you are more likely to be attracted to someone who is considered good looking, but if you ARE actually attracted to someone who isn't, who cares why???

 

Zack.

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IMHO....I have found that you have to be mentally as well as physically attracted to the guy/girl. I once briefly dated this girl....and realized when I was talking to another friend of mine (who was female) could tell that I wasn't physically attracted to her. The girl I was dating...we were mentally attracted....but I just couldn't do it anymore. So I ended up leaving her. Sure did break her heart...but we're still great friends and she is back with her X now and they're getting married.

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Everyone has standards, but if he has a good body like you said and he's a great guy, then his only flaw is his face, right? If you're attracted to him than obviously he's not that much out of your standards. No one is perfect.

Sure there are guys I would never ever date but those are the guys who make me fear for my life when I'm next to them. But you guys have kissed and all..

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I have dated men in the past whom I didn't find attractive , I wouldn't suggest it. I personally don't think you should settle. I think that dating someone you're attrated to is important, natural, and healthy.

 

Everyone has different standards of beauty. Someone you may think is really unattractive someone else may find beautiful, and vise versa.

 

I don't think you should feel at all bad about refraining from dating someone you're not attracted too.

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It's interesting to see this post from a girl. Most of my life, I learned that if a woman has fallen in love with a man, they can be attracted to even the most unattractive guy. However, men often fall in love with people that they are very attracted to, but it's hard for them to fall in love with someone they're not attracted to.

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It's interesting to see this post from a girl. Most of my life, I learned that if a woman has fallen in love with a man, they can be attracted to even the most unattractive guy. However, men often fall in love with people that they are very attracted to, but it's hard for them to fall in love with someone they're not attracted to.

 

It's cause the society doesn't put as much pressure on men.

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I think there is a bit of confusion here when using the words "attracted to" and "attractive." While there is considerable overlap ... most would be attracted to a younger Brad Pitt (or even a 40+ Brad Pitt, d**n him!!), and most would find that he was attractive as well.

 

But this is a thread about the situation where Lovin is attractED to someone who is unattractIVE. That's an important distinction!

 

Zack.

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Yeah Zach, your Avatar gets me too!

 

I once dated a guy I thought was just okay looking, and the attraction grew. It was great for about a year. But as soon as those inner qualities I thought were so great started looking not so great, he became less attractive. So while I think its possible, youde better hope you can count on those other qualities that draw you to him.

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I heard a quote somewhere, I will try to summarize it: "A man gradually falls in love with the woman he is attracted to; a woman gradually grows attracted to the man she falls in love with." Or something to that effect! It's somewhat true for me anyway... at first I fell in love with my boyfriend's personality, and now I find him more irrestistible than ever!

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My take on this is that you know that objectively, you could do better in the looks department and that you are concerned as to how that will look to your friends, family, the outside world - that is the "settling" you are concerned about. Interestingly, I would have the same issue as you if I dated someone who objectively wasn't that intelligent -- I would be concerned about what other people thought (although in that case I too would believe that it couldn't last if I didn't find him intelligent). I would not have the same issue when it comes to the man's looks because that is not considered a priority among the people I know/affiliate with (the man's looks that is - the level of attractiveness of the woman the man has on his arm likely still is "judged").

 

The answer is yes yes yes a man's looks or "look" can grow on you - and that if you separate being attracted to from "conventionally attractive" that's why it makes perfect sense that you are drawn to him despite his not being conventionally attractive.

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I do feel that substance over looks is the way to go

 

You are right; this is the way to go. And to answer your question, yes, I have dated people who I was not attracted to at first but as I got to know them I began to fall for them - I really liked them as a person. They had many admirable and positive qualities about them that the chemistry grew for me.

 

My take on this is that you know that objectively, you could do better in the looks department and that you are concerned as to how that will look to your friends, family, the outside world

 

This is the reason many people around my age date someone hot; it's to stroke their ego and show to the world what they were able to snag. If you are comfortable in your own skin and with who you are then this should not be a factor. Them being hot is a bonus.

 

For the record, I'm no saint. I learned the hard way in the past why I can get a "hottie" but I can't stand her, then repeat the same mistake. I was too concerned with the looks department and not focused on what really mattered to me in someone.

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I agree with the "you worry how it will look to your friends" comment. I used to worry, but then I *oops* fell, and it didn't matter anymore. My parents were asking me what the hell is wrong with me, so were some of my friends... but I didn't care. It's my life and I make my own choices. Don't let a good guy go just because you're concerned about what your friends will think.

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