Help me get past the ugly thoughts

[LubBec]

I posted a thread last week about a strange feeling I am having after finding out that my husband has been having an affair. Long story short.... we are working to rebuild our relationship and so far, I can't complain about his efforts. He is doing everything I have asked to rebuild my trust.

 

Some days I do fine. I get up, get dressed, go to work and manage to keep my emotions in check and actually get some work done. Other days are VERY different. Today is one of "those" days! I woke up in a RAGE. I can't get all those ugly thoughts and images out of my head. I can't stop thinking about him kissing her and having sex with her. I can't stop thinking about her and all the things she must have said and done to him. I am literally sobbing in my office. I want to curl up in a ball on the floor and die. I have nobody to talk to and, I can't tell my co-workers about my husband's affair. So far, they just think I have become a royal . They are making comments to each other about how "moody" I have become and how I am not getting my job done like I usually do.

 

Help! I need advice on how to get through days like this. I need some very practical advice on how to refocus my thoughts. Please.... any encouragement would be GREATLY appreciated!

[blender]

Okay, breathe.. this is a very difficult time for you, so give yourself some credit, you are TRYING... and all those images or thoughts that creep into your head, well those meant nothing to him..they were just a stupid choice on his part.. and those moments will NEVER replace the history you two share, and the future you are trying to re-build.

 

As far as people at work go, just tell them you are going through some tough times with an ill family member and it's stressing you out.. you don't have to go into any details.. because you do have an ill family member..it's you, you're going through a "sick time"... but you will get through this, infedility is so much worse in your mind the actual "act of it"... your husband made a mistake, a foolish choice, it says more about him then it ever will about you... who cares what "she" said to him or did with him.. it was an awful mistake, and he's sorry, he's ashamed, he's hurting, he's regretful..

 

and you are in so much emotional agony.. it's a horrible feeling to have been cheated on..but he cheated on himself more then he did you.. remember that you are worthy of a fulfilling loving loyal marriage, and you can have one... you can offer forgiveness, and it will take time for you to "let go" of the images, thoughts.. but try to understand that what you doing to yourself is not fair...don't torture yourself by giving his "mistake" so much of your energy and thought.. she was just some idiot girl whom he made a stupid choice to get involved with for his own ego...sometimes married people make this awful mistake..it doesn't mean he didn't love you..it means he didn't love himself.

 

so you start an example..okay... love yourself, be proud of your courage to try to work on your marriage despite all your heartache.. you're a good person.. you're trying, breathe, cry, but try to push those horrible thoughts aside..because those are "history".. a "Mistake"... and they are no longer important.... it was his cheating on himself.. not on you.

 

Please keep writing all your feelings here, it's so helpful for you to get it all out.. I know how much you are hurting, but you do have hope.. you are still together, you are trying to grow past all this.. and you can.. you will... breathe.. take a walk, indulge in a great desert... pat yourself on the back, because you are an amazing woman, whom he will always be indebted to for your choice to give him another chance...

 

so give yourself the same chance.. love yourself, and know that his "affair' will never ever compare to YOU.. ever.... it was HIS mistake.. HIS regret.. because YOU are an example of love, commitment, understanding, and you are going to grow past this pain.. sometimes in life we just have to be sad, it's at these times we discover our own strength, independence and self love.

 

Let us know how you're doing.. I feel for you... best, blender

[TANKGRL]

First off I would like to say I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been cheated on and beat many times by many men in my past and luckily I wasn't tied down to any of them like you are to your husband. I understand how you can't get those thoughts or them having sex and kissing out of your head. That's the hardest part. I use to get sick all the time and go into deep depression when those thoughts ran through my head. I am so sorry you have to go through this..

 

The only thing I could do to get those thoughts out of my head was to take up my mind with something else... like crocheting or painting or trying some poetry. I'm glad he's actually trying to earn your trust back and I HOPE he doesn't screw up this time.

 

Maybe just chit chatting with a close buddy to take your mind off of it??

 

You are always welcome to chat here, we all are here for help or to be helped in some way I really truly do hope things work out for the best for you.

[RayKay]

Are you talking to a therapist at all? I would recommend both joint counselling, but also therapy for yourself....where you can feel free to vent those frustrations, bad days and feelings and develop strategies for dealing with them.

 

I think those days are quite normal to have; you are going through a healing/grieving process of sorts as you are grieving the loss of what you thought you had, and learning to live with the new information.

 

When I have days like that over different issues, my method of focusing/refocusing is to call a friend and ask about THEIR day, or go for a longer run/bike ride that evening, to focus on the positive (like how your hubby is really working hard to regain trust) and even to plan a date with him and focus on the loving thoughts......easier said then done I know, but it can do loads to improve the mood.

[blender]

also you might want to try reading at the site: link removed

[LubBec]

Thank you! All of your advice and encouragement mean so much. I will keep posting. It helps to vent and know that others have experienced the same thing and have come out on the other side, in some ways, a better person.

[Beec]

OK, one of the things that you need to be able to do is just to get crap off your chest. Find someone, anyone you can talk to, and when you really need to do it, get it off, and if it is here, so be it. It's one way we release stress. Make sure you pick someone who will keep your confidence, and thank them, a lot.

 

Second, find something else that will help you relieve stress and if you can rebuild your confidence. This is about the perfect time to take up boxing, as an example. Anything that will get out your stress a bit and help you feel better will help.

 

Third, do nto look for your feelings to change quickly. The biggest question will be can you trust him, and sooner or later you need to know if you will ever be able to do that again or not. If you cannot, then you may need to end it. But don't rush your emotions.

[chai714]

I would consider speaking to a psychologist about things you can do to help cope with the past.

 

These behaviors exhibited indicate that there are many residual feelings and emotions built up that ought to be dealt with. If you stand any chance at making this relationship work in the long run, you'll need to confront every emotion and learn how to better manage them. I understand that it's very difficult and can seem impossible at times. But my concern is that you could become passive aggressive as a result of not having dealt with the emotions you have as a result of this bad past experience.

 

Good luck.

[LubBec]

More venting:

 

One of the most difficult aspects of his infidelity is the person that he had the affair with. She happens to work at the same place I work at. HA! Isn't THAT lovely?!?

 

No, I've never met her and I don't recall ever seeing her. However, she has seen me and during the affair, she would tell my husband that she saw me at work and describe for him what I was wearing. She always analyzed and compared herself to me and would ask my husband if he thought she was more beautiful than me.

 

I work at a very large heathcare organization. We work in different departments, however, it is inevitable that our paths will cross at some point. I am a leadership development specialist and recently, I was asked to prepare a leadership presentation for her department. I am a MESS thinking about this. There is a good chance that I will have to stand up in front of her and give a persentation on good leadership! Can you imagine????? How in the world am I going to hold it together for 3 or 4 hours to be able to stand in front of that *%*@$?!? I can't stand the thought.

 

Also, during the affair, my husband told her secrets about me that she is threatening to tell people at work that could be damaging to my reputation. She is holding private things about me against me. She has insulted me and has threatned ME. What have I done to her???

 

I am mortified to even walk down the hall in fear that I will run into her. My husband tells me that I am much more beautiful than she is. HA... I'm sure he would tell me anything I would want to hear right now. I have never had confidence problems before. I have always thought of myself as a decently attractive woman.... right now, I feel like the ugliest human on earth.

 

GOD... I hate what this has done to me!

[TANKGRL]

If it is at all possible..... I would find a new job that way I would never have to deal with her stupid little threats... even if she does end up tell things..... I hope people just ignore her. She's one of those bad people who are willing to cheat with a married man....dumba** chic in my book.

[LubBec]

I have a great job and I don't think I should have to give it up. NO, I don't want to have to see her or even think about seeing her at work. However, I'm not the one that had the affair. Wouldn't that just give her more power if I left? Why should I give up MY job? I just need help in dealing with our inevitable "meeting". Help me have the right kinds of thoughts when that happens. Give me some advice on ways I can focus when I have to speak to her department leaders. Should I imagine that she has a huge pimple on her butt? Not really funny, but I seriously need very practical advice.

 

OK... now I'm just rambling.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The fact that she is making threats and trashing you means that she is losing it...she lost her affair partner and is now a mess so she is lashing out. Instead of feeling threatened by her...why not see her as she really is....someone who is a pathetic individual who has so little self-esteem she became "the other woman" and not that it is over, she can't cope, her self-esteem went even lower and as a result she is resorting to bullying rather than facing up to what she did. If you see her as a pathetic individual you will no longer feel she is a threat and you will be able to face her in the meeting. Remember, if she talks about those "secrets" it will come to light that she had an affair with your husband and her own reputation at work will be in tatters.

[TANKGRL]

I don't believe it gives her power to leave. But if you are completely happy with your job then stay!!! Just ignore her like she doesn't exist and like you never knew she existed. What I would do the day of the conference is make sure you look your best.... make HER jealous of you...which I assume she already is because 1. you took your husband back and 2. because he kicked HER out of his life and not you.

[LubBec]

Wow... thanks again! I love the idea that she is "losing it". You're so right... she is the pathetic one, not me. I just need to keep telling myself that.

[CallingAllAngels]

Hey....I got ya "beat"...

 

My husband AND the "OW" and I ALL work at the SAME COMPANY!!!!! HOLY CR*P!!!

 

So...when I read your first post, I COMPLETELY identified...I have been there...done that, and still do.

 

Luckily, the OW took a job transfer to another city, and my husband and I work in 2 different locations. (Large company).

 

HOWEVER...during there affair, we all worked in the same building.

 

When I read your first post I see myself.

 

I am under the care of a psychiatrist...I am on medication to help stabilize my moods. After 6 months, I have "learned" to "not care" what others "think" about me.

 

The only person we have control over is ourselves (although, sometimes it feel like we DON'T!)

 

Don't give up your job...and don't be threatened or either.

 

Honey...the BEST revenge is LIVING WELL.

 

You get up everyday, and you look your BEST.

 

Treat yourself to a manicure...a pedicure. Put on a little make-up, and fake it till you make it!!

 

Some days will be better than others...cherish those...

 

One foot in front of the other...

 

~Allie

[LubBec]

Thanks, Allie. Your words have brought comfort. Just knowing that someone else has been where I am.... I suppose misery does really love company. Sorry to hear about your circumstances. Thanks for the good advice. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other. Some days its easier than others. Today is ...not so great.