t1lersm0m1

I honestly don't have that much to say to you today. I wish I didn't contact you a week ago, because I'd be much further into NC and healing. I hope you're well, and for your sake, I hope you're working on healing and growing. I hope the boys are well too. I love you, but the pain feels less today.

I dreamed of you again last night. Do you dream of me? Do you think of me when you're awake? I'm sure that's why i dream of you, because I think of you so much during the day. I wish there was a way to shut my mind off. It's only been a month, I'm sure I'm being too hard on myself. This is a natural grieving process, grieving the loss of you in my life. I understand it, but I don't. Hindsight really is 20/20. We remained friends after the first time we broke up, but that really hurt me. It hurt me when you said you had nothing left in this area and you were applying for a job in Montana, it hurt me that you didn't want to be with me, that we were in the "friend" zone. So although I would love to hear from you now, I know I would be hoping for something more deep down, and it would kill me. Deep down I know you're not ready, and I still have work to do on ME. I hate thinking of you. I wish I could stop. I'm convinced it you was you texting to wish me a happy birthday. It's been 22 hours and the person still never replied and said who they were. Why would they not answer me and say "hey, it's so and so", unless it was you. I'm sure you thought of me yesterday even if it wasn't you. I wish I knew what to think and feel. You said it's over. I have to take you at your word and stop getting my hopes up.

Day 4, and I dont know if coming to this site is helping me heal, or hurting me. I think the stories I read are helping me, but knowing others are in the same pain I'm in doesn't really help. I know lifes not fair. I know we don't always get the answers we want. I know we don't always get the happy endings we want. Day 4...happy day 4.

I agree 100%. Still reading this thread. Although I haven't read it as much as I'm trying not to give myself false hope. My guy told me Saturday through text it's over for good (I broke NC, it's only a month since our split). Anyway, I'm on page 99 and I hope for a reconciliation, but have to stop getting my hopes up. I tell myself if a guy I was with for only two months last year decided to give it another shot after 10 months of being broken up, then the guy from this year is EVEN MORE likely to.

Nearly two hours ago someone texted me Happy birthday leigh from an unknown number. I replied two minutes later that I got a new phone this summer and don't know who this is. The person has yet to reply. I know not everyone looks at their phone that quickly, but I am imagining in my head that it's you texting from a ghost number, that you are thinking of me today but don't want to reach out because I acted crazy after the break up. I'm quite sure that's not the case, but deep down it's nice to think it is.

When I told Heather you broke up with me, she didn't sympathize with me or ask what happened. Her reply was "He wasn't right for you." She's the only person that knew at least 90% of what went on in our relationship. My other friends knew mostly the good times, and a few friends knew about your insecurity. I even told two of my friends through IM or email "Once he works on his self-esteem he'll be perfect for me." That's code for, "Once he changes he'll be perfect for me." My other friend Heather came in from Florida for Becky's wedding, and the first thing I told her about you was "He has no backbone." I later told her you were great, you took me to NYC to see Phantom, and we were going to DC for three nights, and we had a great time together. Her reply was "That's all great, but that's not what you told me, you told me he has no backbone. That was the first thing you told me when describing him." So much food for thought.

Today's my birthday. I planned on doing NC from the start and contacting you in December for your birthday, but in the back of my mind I hoped you would contact me today. I didn't think of you as much this morning when I was getting ready for work. Probably because my phone is blowing up with facebook posts wishing me a happy birthday. I'm sure tomorrow will go back to sucking. I truly felt like your dirty little secret. I had to guilt you into accepting my friend request. Then it was sort of understood that I could never tag you in any posts because you were "private" and didn't want people knowing your business. Our last weekend together you went to T's football game. While you were getting ready I said "Do you want me to go?" You said "You can, but you have to shake a leg." I said "that's not what I asked, do YOU want me to go?" And you said "No, I wasn't going to ask you." I asked the next day why you didnt' want me there, and you said in case your wife was there, you didn't want to cause a problem. Meanwhile, she has her bf around your kids and at functions all of the time. You cared more about her feelings than mine. When you invited me to dinner after I got back from TN, I thought I was going to get to meet your Mom. I only realized after I got there that you only invited me because your mom had gone home already. But you introduced me to both kids, and I hung out with you and T a few times. We went to dinner, we bowled, we stayed in watching movies with him. When we first started dating, I told you I wait a while to introduce men to my son. You said you wish M did that. But you introduced me to T about a month after we met. So you were angry she had her bf around your sons, but you introduced me to T way too soon. I didn't even want you to meet my T when you did, about two months in, but you bought a battery for my car and I felt bad not taking you to my house to install it. You offered to buy the tool you needed somewhere and install it at a store, but I felt bad so I took you to my home and introduced you to T. Hindsight is 20/20. It truly is. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but it makes so much sense now. Although I know I was your rebound, I still in my heart feel like what we had was real. I have to stop devoting so much time thinking of you. I can't change anything, as the only one I can control is me. I am completely powerless, except in helping myself and changing the behaviors that I despise. In the end this will be your loss. I'm working on myself, and I've lost 12 pounds through eating healthy/exercise since we broke up. I have weight loss goals. Another 20 pounds by the time I go on vacation for Thanksgiving. And at least 50 pounds total by spring. I'm going to be a knockout and you're going to be alone. If you meet someone else, she wont' be as good to you as I was. I don't wish bad things on you, but I know I'm going to be hard to beat.

Day 3. Today's my birthday. When we broke up Friday, September 6 and I was intent on doing NC Sunday, September 8 I planned on wishing you a happy birthday in December. In the back of my mind I hoped you would reach out to me today for my birthday, as I know you remember it. Since today's October 10 and I'm only at day 3 of NC, I obviously suck. When I texted you this Saturday and you said it's over forever, I felt horrible and realized I won't be hearing from you today. It's for the best, as we both have work to do to be better people. Here's to Day 3. I feel pretty good. Going out for dinner and drinks with friends. Last year when I went through the break up of a two month relationship with B I was devastated. It was my rock bottom. I stopped exercising, I stopped socializing, I went home after work and read self-help books and ate, looking for answers. Between a knee injury and that break up I gained 21 pounds. Since E broke up with me I've lost 12 through eating healthy and exercise. I look back on the past year and how weak I was, and how much strong I am. So, here's to day 3, and not falling off the wagon again!

The only thing that will help is time. I'm only one month post breakup and I still think of him daily. It seems I dream of him 3-4 nights a week. They are always dreams of us being together. I'm sure that it's my subconscience mind telling me my desires, but I sure as heck wish I could dream of us fighting or hating each other instead. that might help. I was only in a six month relationship (with a six week breakup in between) but we were so connected emotionally. I swear it feels like no one else on earth could have had the connection we had, or could feel the pain I feel now. But I know that's not true. Keep busy, stay in NC, and have fun with your life. I'm doing that. The weekends are hardest for me as I dont work weekends and just have too darn much time on my hands.

There's so many things I want to say and I know I shouldn't/can't. I'm so strong, but I'm so weak. The day you broke up with me, you said you wished I had answered my phone two nights earlier. Two days later I asked what that would have changed, and you said "I don't know." I know you have doubts, this break up came from out of the blue. There's so much I want to say and change, but I can't/won't. I know chances are I will never get another chance with you. But if there is to be any hope, I have to give you your space and work on MY issues, and hope and pray that you are working on yours. I tried so hard to help you, but I can't fix you or change you. Only you can do that. Maybe six months or a year will go by and you won't change at all. I hope I'm not giving myself false hope. I feel so helpless. And I'm angry..angry that you can tell me one day you love me, then five days later break up with me. That gives me hope as well, because you didn't have time to fall out of love with me. If we were together for years and you spent a year unhappy with me and then broke up, I could understand. But this break up came out of the blue. I understand, but I don't understand. Love sucks.

I truly believe in my heart that you did me a favor breaking up with me. I'm hurt, and I think of you daily, but once I'm healed and move on, I will thank you. Your insecurity caused us so many problems. I would say something jokingly and you would take it seriously and then ignore me. Or when I said I love you, you would say "Don't." I googled rebound relationships. The one article was amazing, as it really hit home. After we consumated our relationship you idealized me. You said I brought you back to life, and I made you want to be a better man. You wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. Constantly telling me how amazing I was. I told you not to put me on a pedestal because it's a long fall, but you didnt' listen. Then I let my guard down, showed you my vulnerable side. Our relationship was doomed from the start, as you still wanted M, but that doesn't make the pain hurt any less. I'm an amazing woman, and I know one day you'll realize what you had, and that you were a fool to push me away. I don't wish anything bad for you, but you truly made a terrible mistake, and the end of our relationship is YOUR loss, not mine. I am learning and growing from our breakup, and some other incredible guy is going to benefit from my emotionall growth. I have so much more to say, but that's all for now. I know you think of me. We knew each other six months and were together 4.5. I'm going to be hard to forget. I selfishly hope you compare other women to me when you start dating again. I'm sure it will be inevitable. You told me I was the best lover you had ever been with. I didn't dig for that compliment, you offered it freely. It's going to be hard to top the best. I hope other women pale in comparison to me. I know one day I'll wish you happiness. Deep down inside I do now, but I also feel selfish. That will change with time, as I heal. Take care. You were my best friend. I love you.

I lied, and I feel terrible. I re-read my email to him and felt I needed to say the things I said, so I sent it Monday. I don't know why I felt I had to send it. I came here to report what I did and you gave me such a good pep talk I felt guilty and lied. So I am on day 2. And I know I can control the contact. Last year I went through a break up and I felt so much despair, like I would NEVER meet another good guy again. I haven't thought that once since the break up with E. I really miss him, and I think of him daily. And if he came back today I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to say no (I don't have any illusions, I don't think he's coming back anytime soon, if ever). But I am going NC. Today is day 2. I felt terrible after contacting him through text Satudray. I dont' want to feel that way again. I didn't feel terrible after the email on Monday, I knew I wouldn't get a reply. There were times we would have problems and I would say I love you, and he would say "Don't." I know he's emotionally broken, and no matter who he was with the relationship would have ended because it truly wasn't me. But I still feel sorrowful (not hopeless). Someone said I was his rebound. They were SOO right. I googled rebound, and it describes us. After we consumated our relationship, he idealized me. Told me I was amazing, I made him want to be a better man, I brought him back to life. He couldn't get enough of being with me after that. It was so intense, I see it all now in hindsight. Another thing in rebound relationships was that if the person on the rebound hasn't worked on their issues from the break up of the previous relationship, the rebound will fail because you will make the same mistakes. I'm not pinning this all on E, I made mistakes. I get insecure and act a little crazy (no where near as crazy as I did last year). When we would have any kind of tension in our relationship, I wanted to fix things immediately, and he wanted to be left alone and would ignore me. that drove me NUTS. I drove there twice unannounced. The first time, we talked a while, then he asked me to leave. I said no, so he said fine I'll leave. He went in his bedroom to get changed and I sat in front of the door so he coudln't leave. He said "I can't believe I'm being held captive in my own home." I said "If you feel you are in danger, call the police." When we broke up, he brought that situation up. That was back in May that happened. I never should have done that. When he told me to leave, I should have left. I'm also very reactionary. If I have my feelings hurt, I strike out. He canceled coming to a party I was having. I was so excited for him to meet my friends, and when he canceled I hung up on him, then called him repeatedly, and cried on the phone. I blew the situation way out of the water. I shouldn't have reacted that way. But I just get so hurt. He knew about the party for a month, and I was so hurt, I think my pride was hurt because I then had to explain to my friends why he wasnt' coming. I'm a constant work in process. I've learned so much about myself since last year, and I will continue learning. I have more self-respect, and intend to do my best to never act this way again. On two occassions when we were fighting I said Have a nice life. Like I was willing to end a relationship because of an argument. I stopped doing that after May. So while I've made some improvements, I continue to make more. I'm doing soul searching. I hate that I act this way in relationships. I am SOOO confident in my career, as a mother, daughter, sister and friend. But in romantic relationships I lose my confidence (trust me it has GREATLY improved since last year!). So here's to DAY 2 of no contact. I don't think I can ever contact him again. When we broke up September 6 I told myself I'd wish him a happy birthday (December 14), but now I'm not so sure. Right now I just want to heal and learn from this experience, learn to be a better person, better girlfriend for whoever comes along next..... Cheers, happy Wednesday.

Ha, just reading some previous posts, and now I see the purpose of the thread. As such: I posted about you on a message board about break ups. I told the whole story. Some amazingly wise person pointed out I was your rebound. I think in my heart I knew I was. I told you I was tired of giving more than you gave me. When I was in TN, you were so mad at M for posting a pic of her bf on FB and tagging your sons. You still have so much animosity for her. A few weeks before you broke up with me you, she asked why you hate her bf so much, and you said because he came between you two reconciling. This was recent. The red flags were there, but I ignored them, because I love you. I"m angry with you for making me fall in love with you, and you were still in love with her the whole time. And then you just broke up with me, out of the blue. I don't think I would have gotten an explanation if I didn't drive to your house. And I'm so angry with myself for going crazy and acting insecure. I'm better than that and I will never again act like that. The most important person in my life is ME, and I will forever come first now.

I usually dream of my ex. And it sucks.

I wish I had come here Saturday instead of contacting my ex. We broke up Sept 6, and Sunday was a month. Saturday night I had the genious idea to send a non-emotional text just saying hi. Of course he didn't reply. I then texted him from my Google Voice number (different #), he replied saying Who's this and I immediately told him it was me. He told me it was over forever. I think our relationship was doomed anyway, regardless of what I did during the relationship, as I was his rebound and he wasn't/isn't over his wife (he's separated). So I'm trying not to beat myself up. But contacting him Saturday led me to very sad Sunday. So now whenever I feel tempted to contact, I will keep control of my actions and come here to read posts and post myself. This guy was emotional and had really bad self-confidence, and as I already said he wasn't over his ex. But I fell in love with him.

I forgot to mention js0905, I had written him several emails after the break up and saved them in my drafts at work. I later, maybe a week or more, deleted them. The only times I contacted him after the break up were the weekend we broke up, I was a driveling mess that weekend and begged then a week later I said I miss my best friend, and then Saturday I texted hi and said I'm sorry for the way I acted when we broke up. He has been in NC since we broke up, I'm having a hard time but I know this is something I can control, and will do just that. NC, work on myself, and move on, because I don't think he'll be ready for a long time (someone on my other thread said he wont' be ready for at least six months).

Thanks, I'm here, and it's day 3. I went two weeks without contacting him, but that's about the time I really start missing him, so I know these first few days will be easy. I started telling myself something over and over again in my head.....E doesn't deserve me. I say it over and over again. Last year, when I hated myself, I started saying I love myself over and over again in my head for days and weeks, hundreds of times a day, and my whole outlook on life changed (I know it might sound dumb, but it really worked!). So anytime I start having fond memories of E, I start saying E doesn't deserve me. And I truly believe that. I was amazing to him (I spazzed out a few times, but when I say I was amazing to him, I truly was). But unfortunately he's not over his wife, and never had all of himself to give to me, and I stayed with him being patient, settling for the scraps he gave me. I'm not saying he is a bad guy, he's really not, as I do love him, and probably will for a while, but I want and deserve more than he could give emotionally. Day 3 to infinity!

I'm actually at day 2! I went back and read the email I sent him yesterday, and I typed link removed instead of yahoo. So I'm assuming the emamil didn't go through, although I don't see an undeliverable email in my inbox (not sure if it could be in another folder in my gmail account). Ok, so Day 2, as I really want to tell him what I said in the email, but I'm taking it as a sign that I was not meant to send the email. Day 2! (I also blocked his FB so I can't look at his profile when thinking of him....he unfriended me the day we broke up so I really couldn't see much on his profile anyway).

Day 1 of no contact. Break ups suck. Especially when you realize you were probably just a rebound and not meant to be. The signs were there, he constantly complained about his wife (separated from her) and was very angry about everything involving her. He hadn't healed. I hope having me in his life for six months helped in some small way. He truly is a good guy, I guess it just wasn't our time. Here goes day 1, to infinity. I don't plan on contacting him ever now that I realize I was the rebound. I thought I'd wish him a happy birthday on December 14, but I'm not going to. I'm just going to stay in no contact, heal, and work on me. Through everything that happens, I continue learning about me. I was reading the Getting Back Together Really Does Happen thread, and I really had my hopes up. But it's also helping me heal. Anything I do is a step in helping me heal. Day 1, here we go!

Day 1 of no contact will start for me tomorrow. Here's a brief synopsis: E is a great guy, we date 02/24 - 06/05 until he realizes he isn't ready for a relatinship (he's only separated and not over his wife, and has self-esteem issues). We broke up on a Monday, we don't have contact until Friday when he says "Just wanted to say hi, I got my approval for surgery." (he had weight loss surgery in July). We begin texting regularly, and occassionally talk about us and feelings, but mostly it's just friendly. I go to TN on vacation July 10-19, and when I come back we get back together. But it's different. He's guarded. He never initiates saying he loves me, only says it in reply. Also, the first time we dated he said amazing things about me and how wonderful I was. He said I brought him back to life, and I made hiim want to be a better man. He doesn't say any of these things when we reunite. He meets up with his wife and she talks about their divorce, and during the conversation asks him why he hates her boyfriend. He said because he came between us reconciling. She says if it wasn't him it wouldn't have been someone else. When there was any tension in our relationship, he would ignore me rather than trying to work it out. He has huge issues. Labor Day weekend we spend Friday - Monday together. Saturday we go to a cookout out of town and on the drive home I realize I need to break up with him. I thought about it all day Sunday and acted like a complete B to him. Then Monday I told myself i would give it more time, this guy is totally worth it. He was distant with me all that week. I freaked out Wednesday and Friday because I could tell something was up. I blew up his phone Wedneday and Friday. He broke up with me Friday, said it was for the best and thanks for the memories. I drove there, told him he was going to look me in the eye and say it. I drove there again Sunday and BEGGED and pleaded. I texted him the following Monday and said I miss my best friend, and a few other things. I texted last night and he told me it was over forever. I sent him a long email today saying I was going to break up with him but couldn't do it,and that I learned I still have issues to deal with. I told him I am letting him go and hope someday he realizes how much happiness he deserves. And that someday he will be in contact with me, even as friends. So I will come back here tomorrow and post my Day 1,and I will continue no contact so I can heal...and hopefully one day, once we've both healed,he will come back.

I've been reading this thread. I'm on page 75 and finally decided to post my story. You see, I'm getting a second chance, but it's not the one I want. Here's my story: I was unhappily married for a long time. He was financially irresponsible and very immature. His father was verbally abusive to him and he always felt he had something to prove to his parents, and that controlled his life. I told him for years I wanted a divorce, but never left because I never thought I deseved better and feared the unknown. Finally before Christmas 2008 he told me he wanted a divorce. I won't tell you anymore of that story, because it doesn't matter. I dated for a few years. I dated all jerks. People, listen to me when I say actions speak louder than words. I dated men who told me they loved me, but if I listened to my instincts and watched their actions, I would know all I needed to know. Summer 2012 B comes into my life. He is old fashioned and respectful. He picks me up for dates, walks me to my door after dates, he waits for me to make the moves sexually. WOW...there are really great guys out in the world! And I deserve them! Unfortunately, I didn't know I deserved one. We dated for two months, when I pushed him away. I pushed him away, then I went CRAZY. I texted and called and begged and did everything. It was only a two month relationship, and boy did I go BONKERS. That's because I never realized how much I HATED myself. I truly didn't think I deserved the happiness he was brining me (of course I see it all in hindsight, but at the time, I couldn't control myself ). We broke up in August, I went nuts til September, he started ignoring me in September. I tricked him into texting me in January, and he said he would consider getting a coffee at some point in the future. Late February 2013 E comes into my life. He is great just like B was, but in many ways EVEN better than B. We had some problems, but things were great. Then early June he is fighting with his oldest son and we dont' talk for four days. I send him a text about it, and he says "Haven't felt much like talking." I basically said this isn't fair to me, you live 45 minutes away and now i have to go DAYS without talking to you?" Long story short, we broke up on the phone crying. He admits he is not sure he is over his wife (they are separated 1.5 years now) and isn't ready. That's a Monday. He says he just wants "her" approval. I contact B after E and I break up just to see how things are going. We chat about nothing important. Then five days later he texts and asks if we were flooded (we had heavy rains and he had moved away). B and I start texting daily. He is seeing someone but is not happy. He was the dumper, although I pushed him away first, and I reached out to him. So I said about us trying again, and he said OK, he had to break up with his gf. I said I'm going to TN 07/10 - 07/19, so that gives you a few weeks to break it off. E and I have NC until Friday of the week we ended things when he texts "Just wanted to say hi. I got my approval for my surgery." (He had weight loss surgery July 10th). I didn't text him back until Sunday, and it was rough at first, but then we fell into a friendship. He said on Sunday he wanted to "Keep the door open." I went to TN in July until the 19th, all the whle in contact, and when I came back we got back together. We had our second chance. Because I was getting a second chance with E,and cared more for him than B (he was more emotional, plus our relationship was more recent and lasted longer), I blew B off. After E and I got back together, he was very guarded. He never said he loved me first, only said it in response to me saying it (the first time we dated he said it first, and always said how wonderful I was, how I brought him back to life and how I made him want to be a better man.) My instincts told me he still wasn't ready. I told him Labor Day weekend he was guarded, and he didn't think so, then I gave him examples, and he realized it. The Saturday of Labor Day weekend we went to a cookout, and on the drive home I realized I had to break up with him. I thought about it all day SUnday while we were together and I was a real B to him. Then Monday I decided to give it more time and everything was fine. E was distant all that week. He didnt' call and text like he normally did. I went crazy Wednesday and blew up his phone asking why he was mad and what was wrong, why he was ignoring me. I did the same thing Friday. He broke up with me Friday (after I had acted crazy) and said thanks for the memories. I drove to his house, said he was going to look me in the eye. I drove there again Sunday and begged for another chance. I've contacted him three times since then. In the meantime, after E broke up with me, I contacted B. He has been hesitating because of how I blew him off. I told him I'd like to explain in person. So B and I get a second chance, but the second chance I want is with E. We both have healing and work to do. As of now he won't talk to me or reply to me. I'm starting NC to heal and work on myself. I don't know what I'm going to do about B. He dated one woman after me. I just don't think I can be with him as he's completely unemotional, whereas E is emotional like me. I hope E works on his self confidence and getting over his wife. I plan on working on myself too as the relationship showed I still have issues. And I have something I didn't have last year after the break up with B, I have hope. Hope that someone even BETTER is out there. Each guy I date raises the bar for any future guys to come into my life.