t1lersm0m1

Keeping the door open to reconciliation was placing my insecurity in overdrive. Now that the door is closed, I feel much better. 12 days since we broke it off for good. 12 days since our last contact. I haven't reached out to him, and he hasn't reached out to me. At the end of the call I asked him not to close the door, he said that's the good thing about a closed door, it can always be reopened. I didn't do something that he considers a deal breaker. But, I know once I heal, I will not want him back. It's just that I am so desperate to be in love that even when I've found a good guy, if he is wrong for me I will not leave. I'd rather be with someone than alone. I want to emphasize the last three men I have dated were good men who treated me well, they just were not the right fit. But, at the end of the day, I was sacrificing what I deserve to be with the last two our to three men. I want to get to a place where I will no longer sacrifice my happiness. Erik wasn't over his wife, that became clear 2.5 months into our 6 months together. He was also hugely insecure and when we had any kind of disagreement he would completely ignore me, which drove my abandonment issues into overdrive. He said he didn't deal well with conflict. I didn't ask for conflict, just a quick resolution to a misunderstanding. I must say my abandonment issues have gotten much beter. With Erik and Bill, I would call/text them relentlessly to try and get them to reply to me. I even drove to both of their houses during/after the break ups to beg and plead. I only called/texted Rich several times 12 days ago when we ended it for good. He normally calls me back or returns my texts within an hour. I called him at 6:30. Texted him at 8:00. Called again at 8:30. Then from 9-10 my abandonment/insecurity kicked in and I went into overdrive. I know it sounds logical to say he'll call or reply to my text when he sees it/has a chance, but in an "abandonment episode" (I have no idea if that's what it's called, but I feel it needs a name), I lose all logic, reason and rationality. I become completely irrational. And it's very hard for me to control my emotions when that happens. Day 12 of focusing on me and my healing, not from the break up with Rich, but from my past. I'm so happy to be on this road to recovery.

He's friends with most of his exes. Guess maybe that shoulda told me something. Oh I know in my head this break up was for the best. He wasn't passionate about me. I'm doing good for the most part...just miss him. It took me a while too get to know him....it'll take a while to get to unknow him. Our break up is truly his loss. I would have added so much happiness to his life. I already did. I was the best thing that happened to him since his wife, and she cheated on him! I'm working on me then when I'm ready I'm gonna find the man of my dreams. Darn Rich and Erik and all of them.

I had a nice, lazy, hot, but mildly productive day today. I slept in, took a ten minute nap later, cleaned the bathroom, straightened up the kitchen, did a load of dishes, went bought more dishes and another bathroom rug, got stuff off of layaway at Kmart, spent a good amount of time on ENA and also reading my ACOA big red book on my kindle. I love my apartment and being on my own for the first time but I truly dread moving in a year or two based on the number of boxed I've put out for recycling. That said I'd love to buy my own house next year. I'm so good with money when there's money to be good with. Being married to my ex was horrible...he got us into so many financial messes. My second ACOA meeting is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I might go to that, then a nearby church, then an OA meeting. But that might be too much emotional work for one day. We'll see.

Didn't do my philosphy last night, as I took a bath, read my red book of Adult Children, and watched The Tudors on Amazon Prime. I needed me time with my son being at his gf's. I did half the reading required for my philosphy class. I'm going to do the rest in a short while, then do my discussion board posts. That will only leave the quiz for tonight, and then Philosphy will be done for the week. Then I will just have to do quantitative methods homework by Sunday at midnight. I'm really looking forward to my ACoA meeting Sunday at 8:30. I'm happy about the path I am on. This is the longest I've been in NC with Rich. I tried going NC on my end, just letting him contact me. Then we decided to close the door on us getting back together. I'm surprisingly much better than I thought I'd be. I started feeling really anxious Tuesday, my abandonment kicking in, but right now I'm good.

xoxo - hugs

So sorry for your pain. So so sorry

Go me, I had my Statistics class Tuesday, next one is this coming Tuesday, and as of Thursday at 1:00 I am finished with my 50 problem homework. Last week's homework took me six hours over the weekend! I plan to do my Philosophy homework tonight. With that Statistics class, Philosophy seems like a PIECE OF CAKE. That will just leave the Quantitative Methods homework for the weekend, which is due by Sunday night at midnight. I can start on it tomorrow and then finish it over the weekend. I won't be spending my weekend doing ten hours worth of homework. WOO HOO!!! Tyler is going to his girlfriend's house after school. I want to stop at Bon Ton to get another rug for the bathroom (I bought one for in front of the tub, but need one for in front of the sink). I need to deposit a check I got from renting my timeshare. It's going in my savings account and NOT being spent. After their trip is within 30 days (I told them they can cancel more than 30 days prior to check in, after that I won't let them cancel). Then I will pay my maintenance fees for the year, and send the difference on my 401K loan. I moved out of my emotionally abusive mother's house, I am in school pretty much full time, working full time, doing volunteer work, and working on my emotional health. GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING!

I posted this in my journal, but I'll copy/paste it here. I don't know why I have such struggles. Well, I do, I just wish I could change it. I'm working on me, so hopefully, I WILL change it. I have to take this time to FULLY focus on me and my healing. Not from the break up, but from my childhood. I had already promised myself I would take three months before dating again. And I just red in the Big Red Book of Adult Children of Alcoholics that I should not be dating right now anyway. And deep down inside I know this. I either stay in unhealthy relationships, or if I find a healthy one, I self-sabotage. And I will continue to struggle with that unless I focus on healing. I JUST realized something this morning. While I enjoy these revelations of mine, I wish they would come MUCH sooner. Although Erik was unhealthy, we were unhealthy together, and he was still in love with his wife so he was unable to give me what I deserved, I know in my heart I loved him. The fact our relationship wasn't healthy doesn't change the fact that I loved him. I felt passion from him. Even at the end of our six month relationship, I still got excited to see him. I felt passion when we kissed. I felt emotional when we said we loved each other. I FELT the love when we said those words. Now, in hindsight I don't think he loved me, and as I said, our relatinoship was not healthy, but I did love him. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, did. With Rich, it was different. And not really different in a good way. Let me preface this with Rich was a WONDERFUL man. He was respectful, he paid for our dates, he sent me flowers, he planned a beautiful Valentine's Day, he even spent HOURS shoveling in order not to cancel our Valentine's Day plans (he lives in the Poconos, up in the mountains he got 8 inches of snow that day, he was still recovering from shoulder surgery he had prior to Christmas, he wasn't released to work because he has to life 70+ pounds to be able to do his job, so he went out and shoveled his truck out several times while the snow kept piling up). I told him we could reschedule, but he would have nothing of that. He was going to make sure our plans were not canceled. I went to Florida about 6 weeks into our relationship, since it was early in our relationship I didn't get him a souvenier (in hindsight, I should have). I come back from Florida and he bought me a large Mickey, I'd say he's at least 24" tall. I got sworn into court before Christmas for my volunteer work. It was right before his shoulder surgery. He wanted to come watch me get sworn in cause he thought it was a big deal. Then at the end he realized (thank God, because I never thought of it) that because it was family court, and involved minors, he probably wouldn't be allowed in there. He had his shoulder surgery the next day and I never even thought to take the day off of work so I could be there for him, again it was still early in our realtionship, about 8 weeks. So he was going to go to boring court for me, because he knew it was important to me, but I never offered to take time off of work to go to his surgery. This man was wonderful to me. But with that being said, we lacked passion. I already explained why previously. There was no passion. I even said to him that I felt more like a companion....almost like Walter Mathau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpy Old Men (only with occassional sex LOL). Rich took me to see Frozen in February, before Valentine's Day. I remember thinking, wow this guy is great, taking me to see an animated Disney movie because he knows how much I love them. And I thought to myself, I love this man. But then later I thought to myself, I don't FEEL it when I say I love him. We hadn't said we loved each other yet, and I wanted so desperately to love him. I said it first on Valentine's Day. But I NEVER felt it when we said it to each other. There was something missing. I didn't get excited to see him. Not in the beginning, and not as our relationship progressed. I didn't FEEL the love when we said we loved each other. I didn't get goosebumps when we kissed, not the first time, not ever. I didn't get that tingly feeling, that excited, amazing feeling I got with Erik. Why do I settle for less than I deserve? I did it with Erik, and I did it with Rich. I loved Erik, but I knew he couldn't love me while he still loved his wife, and that's something I figured out before the relationship ended. And our relatinship was very unhealthy! With Rich, there was no chemistry, no passion. I enjoyed his company, but just as friends. He was a guy friend who paid for dates. And deep down I know he is damaged also, and maybe that's why we didn't have the passion, and maybe the lack of passion was the reason I never got excited to see him, and never FELT the love between us. He said he loved me, even after we broke up... I love relevelations, I just wish I would make them sooner This is my journey, and I guess I have to be READY for things to happen, and I wasn't ready for our break up. I should have left Erik. I should have left Rich. Instead they both left me, and it triggered my abandonment issues. And then it confirms my fears deep down inside...that I am unloveable and undeserving of love. I know in my head this is not true, but I feel it in my heart. And that's why I need to take this time to work on myself. I need to stop having sex with random men. It leaves me feeling awful afterward. Plus if my son ever found out, that's not the kind of mother I want him to have. I think that innocent, consentual sex is fine, but I seek it out online as a way to hurt myself. And I know it's wrong. I'm on this beautiful journey. It's full of pain and sorrow, but it's my journey. And i know in my heart I'm a good person, I just have to really work towards knowing it all of the time, in all ways.

I still think of him. That's only natural. And I still feel pain. But our break up is for the best. The relationship pushed me to do things I probably wouldn't do (in a good way) so good things came out of it. We planned my dream national park trip, even booked two rooms on points of his. But they are in his name, and I'm not going to ask him to transfer them to me. I am really desperate to make this dream trip of mine come true for my son and I. I am going to research the cost if I make it a camping trip. Two weeks in National Parks out West. Rocky Mountain, Grand Teton, Yellowstone and Glacier. May stop to see Mt. Rushmore on the way back. We'll see if I can make it happen. I really hope I do.

Dear Rich, You came into my life for a reason. And that reason was an amazing one. I dated you knowing my mother would struggle with our relationship, knowing it would cause conflict. I had no idea how escalated everything would become, but dating and losing you forced me to realize I need to get out on my own with Tyler. And I realize I am capable of taking care of us. I'm making grown up decisions, decisions I really would rather not make, but I'm making them. One of the things you said was that I talked about moving out in December, and next thing you knew I was buying a timeshare. And it may seem foolish that I did that, but I am actually making a profit from it this year by renting it out. It's providing me an income. And that income will help me support Tyler and me. I never realized how damaged you are. You never told me until after we broke up. And then it made me realize later the entire reason for our lack of passion. I loved you, but I wasn't happy. There were severe problems with our intimicy. I tried talking to you about it several times, but you didn't do anything to change it. Part of me moved out hoping you and I would get back together. Now that I know that's not going to happen, I realized you entered my life for a reason. To force me to stand up to my mother, say enough is enough, and move out.

I was putting Rich's name up in the headline, but that is making this healing about him. And it's not about him, it's about me. This is my time, to heal, learn and grow. And I have so much growing to do.

Erik brought me here to ENA. Rich brought me back. I don't know why I stop coming, as posting and reading here is very therapeutic to me. With Bill, I wasn't healthy. With Erik, I was MORE healthy, but still not healthy, and he wasn't healthy as well. With Rich, I thought we were both healthy, until the break up. That's when I realized I still have work to do on myself, and I'm doing the work. This is Day 4. I have 86 days to go of working on ME, for ME, and no one else but me. Rich and I closed the door. I joined ACoA. What a wonderful hour and a half that was. It sucks that I hate mornings on weekends, and it's 20 miles away, but it's worth it. I feel so good about whoever suggested that for me on this website. I'm gong to OA tomorrow. At least I hope and plan to. I am seeing a social worker and a psychologist. Support groups and therapy...this time is all about me. If I don't work on me, then every relationship will have a short lifespan. I want to post 90 days of NC because that's how long I want to go before reposting my dating profile. I want to heal from Rich, and from my past. Or at least feel like I have a good start on healing.

You don't think I have a right to be angry with you but I beg to differ. For six months we had a great relationship. Except for the sex things were perfect. We never fought our caused each other jealousy or anything. We are both secure, good people who had a great time together. Then I filled you in on what was going on with my mom. I kept you on the dark because being the adult child of an alcoholic I learned to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and to deal with things on my own. Also add part of my upbringing we keep secrets when it comes to the family and its dysfunction. I never maliciously hurt you. But then you turned your back on me. I said I'm willing to fight for you and this relationship,c why aren't you willing to fight for me? Your reply was if I knew there was going to be a fight I wouldn't have gotten involved with you. So our break up was due to nothing I did wrong but still you ended it. Another thing I said in anger but now I feel is true...I said before I could provide an easy life to you, now I can no longer do that. You want a nice easy life where there are no struggles. Well I say to you good luck with that. And good luck finding a woman like me. I never understood why our relationship lacked passion until you confessed to me that day you would be better off not being here. That is such a profound statement to make. You were ok with our lack of passion because you have no passion for life. How could you be passionate about me, or willing to fight for this relationship, if you are better off not being alive. Then you got angry with me and said I am taking a small part of a conversation. No matter the context in which you made that statement, it doesn't change the meaning. You think you would be better off not being alive. It explains why you were ok with mediocre sex. How did you not know the sex was bad? I tried talking to you about it but you had several excuses. You are broken. I can't be with you because I'd want to fix you...fixing people is something I try to do as a codependent person. But I have to let go of trying to fix people. Good bye rich. I couldn't love you because I didn't know the real you. I actually pity you for the way you see the world.

No contact continues, and will continue for 90 days. That Sunday I said to him I'm willing to fight for you and us, why aren't you willing to fight for me? He said if he knew there would be a fight he wouldn't have gotten involved with me. That Tuesday I said I have him an easy life and I'm no longer able to give him that. I thought I said it out of anger but now with the clarity that time provides I find this is true. If he was as in love with me and as devoted to me as I thought, we would be together. Our break up was caused by my mother and my inability to be independent and set boundaries with her. I've now rectified that. But he's not back with me. Things he said don't add up and don't make sense...that's until he told me he thinks he would be better off not being alive. It explains so much. I will continue to work on me and with time I will heal. Each man I date gets better and better. I know the next one, when the time is right, will be even better than rich. Rich isn't passionate about life and therefore our relationship had no passion. Do I really want that for the rest of my life? The reason the relationship ended is meaningless, the fact that it ended is all that matters. On a side note, don't save all of your homework for the weekend, it sucks!

Day two of fabulous no contact. Yesterday, at my desk at work first thing in the morning, and then after work on my drive to therapy, I played Sara Evans A Little Bit Stronger and I cried, and CRIED, and CRIED. And it felt SOOOO darn good to cry! I can't remember the last time I just let myself bawl my eyes out. This morning in the shower before work I listened to the song, and it didn't make me want to cry. I'm not delusional, I know I'm not healed, but it felt good that I cried yesterday and today I can listen to the song and not want to bawl. I really needed that cry and therapy appointment. Then my friend Kim and I went to lunch, and before lunch we stopped at Petsmart to get her fur baby some dog food. Well, Rich and I went to Petsmart weekly or biweekly because he has a fish tank. Being in there made me sad, and I felt my whole mood change. Then when we got to lunch I was still feeling somber, until I told Kim about it and it made me feel better. Talking helps. I don't want to burden my friends too much, or be a Debbie Downer, so therapy is awesome for that. I'm going to be sad for a while. It's a grieving process. I'm sure one day I'll be sad, another day I'll be happy, another I'll be angry. I'm going to go through the emotions. But I plan to let them come, feel them, and let them go. I've thought of Rich, but I haven't obsessed. Its natural to think of him...we were together six months. We talked daily and saw each other weekly. I feel now that we are broken up for good, I can start to heal. Before I was too focused on him and the possibility. Now I can focus on me. I know what will happen, In 3-5 days I am going to start to struggle, and want to reach out to him. Then I will come here and journal and I will NOT contact him.

Ok, we are broken up. We've been broken up since April 15. We are broken up because it's broken. Through things that were said after the break up I thought we'd be back together by now. So I've acted insecure and that has pushed him away. Our break up is now permanent. He said he sees that me being in limbo is hurting me and not allowing me to heal. Hee said if I need him I can call but I told him I won't be in touch because it hurts too much. We had no passion in our relationship. I suck at ending relationships. I should be happy this is over but I'm not. I am a work in progress. I probably always will be. I only showed rich perfect me in our relationship. Now he's seen imperfect me. Day one begins today and I will post every day until day ninety. Day one to a healed and wonderful New me.

Back to day 1 again.....and again, and again. LOL I contacted him Sunday about the fact I was moving. When I asked if he wanted the break up to be permanent, he initialy asked if anything changed, when I told him I was moving, he said the whole situation is screwed up. That wasn't the answer I wanted. I thought we would get back together right away. So Monday I got angry and texted him looking to start a fight. Then Tuesday AM I texted asking if we could speak that night, he said that night wasn't good but Wednesday or Thursday worked. Wednesday I moved and we were moving late into the night. Wednesday I sent him a quote through text. When he didn't reply I sent an insecure "Are we not talking" text. He said he was still working on a project and we woudl talk later. I said "No, not now, just in general." So everything was fine, I was feeling insecure. We spoke last night. He called, he initiated the contact. I feel much better after our talk. So I am back at day one of not initiating contact. I asked him again if he meant that he doesn't WANT our relationship to be over. He said he wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. I explained to him my insecurity is in overdrive, and he said I'm becoming my own worst enemy. I said I know that, but it's not something I can control. Anyway, after our talk, and me trying to explain the person I am with what has happened with my mom being an alcoholic, and how I react in situations, I feel much better. He cares for me. I know that in my head. I just have to keep my emotions in check. I am back to not iniaiting contact. I need to work on me and focus on me. I'm trying to do everything right at the moment, the only thing I can't seem to get a handle on is our relationship/break up.

Back to Day 1 of not initiating contact I'm going to stick to it this time. I texted him a quote yesterday. When he didn't reply I said "Are we not talking?" He said he was still working on a project and we would talk later. I said not now, but in general, I texted you. My insecurity was in overdrive. I need to work and focus on me. We are just friends now, and I have to stop pushing for more. I need to take this time to focus on me, not to get him back, but to get me back. To find the real me. I did so much work in 2012, but I still struggle. I have been seeing an LCSW, but now I have an appointment with a psychologist for Tuesday. Operation Find Myself is in full effect.

I am not going cold no contact. But I will not initiate from here on out. I was so angry Monday night that I texted him trying to start a fight. Then yesterday morning I texted asking if we can talk last night. He said last night was no good, we could talk Wednesday or Thursday. I do better when I let him come to me, I go into crazy mode when I contact him. He said he needs time. He was hurt by all of this. He doesn't feel like he knows me as well as he thought he did.

I can't count today as day 1 as I contacted him. We are broken up since April 15, but not because of our incompatibility, because of somethign we both can't conrol, my mother. But we are still broken up because of how I've acted. I need to remain no contact. I have to stop contacting him. I have to let him contact me, and then choose what I want. Do I want a relationship with a man who doesn't want kids, when I do? Do I want a man who doesn't make me feel desired sexually? UGH I hate break ups~

I'm struggling so much right now. I don't feel like I have a guide. When I was married, my husband was my (lousy) guide. After that, my Dad was my guide. I've never been on my own. Will I fail? I'm so scared. I feel so pathetic. I'm 37, not 12, but I feel 12 right now. I feel lonely and scared and pathetic. I'm holding onto something I realistically should let go of. I shoudl NOT be contacting you. I should be letting you contact me. But NOOOO, I had to contact you Sunday. And then Monday. And then today, Tuesday. Well, NO MORE. I am now officially in NO CONTACT. I need to learn how to focus on me. But I don't know how, not immediately following a break up. I don't know how to do it.

I absolutely hate that I've come so far and yet I still get insecure during break ups. I can't stand that about myself. I was so confident in our relationship. But then with the break up, I lose all of my confidence. And I hate that I feel like I love you and want you more than you love and want me. You said you couldn't be with me now and out of hurt I said I can't be friends, you won't hear from me again, take care. But of course I didn't mean that. So when you replied I understand, take care of yourself and Tyler, I freaked out and called you twice. I hate that I feel and act like this. I hate that you won't be with me because you feel like you don't know me. I hate that you don't want kids, I do want kids, that SHOULD be deal breaker for me, but it's not, I'm still holding on. Everything happens for a reason, right?

I made a mistake last night, but it was also a huge eye opener. I called you on your stuff. And you didn't like it. On April 26 you told me you didn't think M and M shouldn't have had baby M, but when they did you said you would do everything in your power to protect him. I asked if you felt your mom shouldn't have had you, and you said you're not suicidal but you would be better off if you weren't here. That's a pretty huge statement to make. I said that explains why you don't want kids, and you didn't correct me or say I was wrong. So two days ago when you said you didn't feel you knew me as well as you thought you did, that really hurt me. But then I realized last night that I didn't know you as well as I thought I knew you. What man thinks his friends made a mistake having a baby simply because they are black? What man, who seems to have a wonderful life, thinks he would be better off not being alive? I think the fact my Mom didn't approve of you because of your race really solidified how you feel about yourself, and that's unfortunate, because you are an amazing man. You treated me wonderfully. I said to you I hoped with time my Mom would come around. You said she shouldn't have to. I understand that, but I never asked you to kiss anyone's butt, jump through hoops or do anything else to impress her. I was just hoping that by seeing the amazing man you were, she would eventually look past your skin color. But you think I'm wrong for having that opinion. I know how she feels about you is wrong. I know that. But I can't control how she feels, and I was hopeful she would come around. But you think I'm wrong for that. You say that the fact you dont' want kids is a recent development. But then explain to me how you could think it was wrong that M and M had baby M. They had baby M before I was in the picture. So if you didn't think they, two of your best friends who you think are wonderful people, should have kids, then you really were yourself open to having kids of your own? I really think not. Your reaction last night and how angry you are, at first I told myself I never should have texted you, that I was looking to pick a fight. But by your reaction, now that I've slept on it, I really hit a nerve with you, and that's why it upset you so much. You've NEVER been agnry with me before. You were angry last night. And I was only repeating facts. Yes, I was looking for a fight, but if I was off base you would haev simply told me I was wrong, you wouldn't have reacted the way you did.

Day 1 I will not contact him. When we were together Sunday he said "So for the record I shouldn't wait 8 days to contact you?" (He said that because I told him I almost didnt' reply to his text because I was angry I hadn't heard from him in so long).

Back to day zero. He texted yesterday evening. We texted back and forth for an hour or so. We ended up meeting up for a little over an hour. While together I mentioned I got a B+ in my ethics class. Today I logged into my school email and saw I got an A in my business class so I texted him y this AM to tell him my grade. Back to day one tomorrow.