baby_pheonix

It doesn't help though. It just makes me more sad to know life is unfair to so many people. I am so tired. So emotionally tired. I wake every morning in pain, going on only because I have to for my kids. I pray every day that today the hurt will stop, and it never does. It just keeps getting worse. In my mind I understand depression, stages of grief, yada yada....but that does nothing to help my heart. I thought, once, i had found the answer, i had found a happiness i could keep. Now i just feel like the butt of Go's jokes. I feel like I am being punished. Every move I make is wrong. Every attempt I make to heal only causes more pain. I am so ready to give up. I pray for death to take me while i sleep. I can't find the answers. People tell me they are within me...but i have looked, tried, they are not there. I am alone in the world save those two kids. They are the only reason i go on...and sometimes (and it only makes me feel worse) i resent having to go on for them. It's worse because I see those who hurt me go on to be rewarded with happy lives. They can go on and I am stuck...lost....trapped in my own grief and hurt and unable to fight my way out.

If the new girl makes you happy...why go back?...Why risk destroying another person? When my ex went back to HIS ex it destroyed me....if you care for this new girl and can see a future with her....don't look back.

But the sad reality is I am very much alone in the world. I have never been good at superficial friendships, so have noone to "get out" with. And getting out alone is more painful. It reminds me I have NO ONE. Not just NO ONE TO LOVE ME....NO ONE period. I know I am attractive...that is not the problem. Lord knows I get enough "offers" each time I step out of the house. I don't WANT someone who wants me for my appearance. It seems each attempt I make at friendship or dating results in someone who is only there for what I can do for THEM. I guess I'm feeling a bit selfish...I want people in my life who will return what I give in good measure. So far I am yet to find any. And if I hear from one more man "If I wasn't with my (wife/girlfriend) I could love you forever" I will scream. Seems all those who would have the potential to be what I need are those already spoken for....

I have tried...they can't find my way out either. It is a lost situation. I guess part of what made it so hard is we DIDN'T break up because of anything wrong with OUR relationship.....we broke up because he simply loved her MORE. And to add insult to injury...everyone tells me I should have known better. Should have fought the feelings.....but I DID. So if it is my fault.....because I believed in him...how can I believe in anyone again. I don't trust my own judgement anymore. You are right...it wasn't REAL...for him...but it was for me...and I felt it was for him....so how could I ever risk trusting that judgement again?

Trying to find a way to summarize quickly that which takes up my life completely. I was w/ ex for only 6 months...but it was the first time I ever felt truly happy and like me. His pg girlfriend left him a few months before we "started up". We worked together and it started as a "fling" but gradually became more. I always feared she'd come back. At one point I even tried to let go...to send him back to her. He begged for more time. He said he wasn't ready. It wasn't time. He chipped away at my fear. He asked for me to believe in him and gave so many reasons and evidence I should. We were so happy all the time and finally I started to relax and trust. He told me he loved me and I started to believe that. I gave him my whole heart. ANd then my worst fear came true. She came back. For awhile he waffled. He held on. I told him he had to choose. He said he saw his future with her but then was still always there with ME. Said he still wanted me. He was still there. He even came to spend the night with me the night his daughter came home from the hospital. He refused to say goodbye, refused to admit it wasn't real. Eventually the strain got to be too much and I changed jobs. He was still asking for "one last goodbye" a week before I left. I moved . The HELL has followed. I tried no contact, but each time he ended up contacting me and I would get so angry I would go off sending repetitive texts. I just don't understand how he could go back to someone who hurt him like that if he was as happy with me as he claimed. I don't understand why he won't admit it wasn't real. And I don't understand why I can't move on. I never got closure....he refuses to face me and what he has done to my life. I am completely alone. I trust noone save one friend. It's not even HIM I want back. It is that feeling, that joy. Nothing changes. Everyone says time heals...but in my case it only hurts more. It's been 4 months and I still hurt more every day. He gets this happy life he wanted....gets to move on and I am left trying to find a way to mend all the broken pieces of my life. I want to believe life will get better, but the evidence points to the opposite. Some days I pray for a quick death to end my hurt. I really don't think it's HIM I want back....just a miracle to stop the hurt...just someone real who can make me feel whole and not be ripped away. ANyone else ever feel that? That you'd be okay if only you could find someone to make you feel the way your ex did? And hopeless and powerless because you are sure you never will? I feel like I have no control over my life....that no matter which way I turn it is the wrong way. I can't move, I can't stand still. No matter what I do the "monsters" are closing in fast and I feel powerless to fight them.