hi rainman, i feel i can understand you lots of my thoughts are like you, is there anything here does anyone really understand,i have lots of pain in my life i have two kids 12 13 my 13 yr old is very depressed had lots of hurt in his life,he told me he got tablets out and sat down with them,it really hurt me especially as i have done the same, i am still very depressed but with another thing to think about, we have lots of counciling, take meds, sometime it works sometime it doesnt.if you understood what we have been through it would make it easier for you to see why. when my dad died i wanted to be with him, when my son wanted to i realised i am needed. he must need me he told me, i couldnt bear the thought of him not being here i feel that would push me over the edge.we are trying to work things out, i think its just picking one thing out of your head at a time and deal with that first, mine at the moment is my son i wont leave him alone not yet but maybe in time.