hopelessincan

You texted yesterday. I haven't answered. Well I guess you didn't really text. You answered me... so it doesn't really count I guess. Cant talk to you...just cant. lets see how long it lasts I suppose. I cant believe how much I miss you. its crazy. Ah well. We will both be fine right. Some day.

aw well....that was short lived. went to bed two hours ago. cant sleep, got up. I've hit the anger stage finally, and suddenly. Went through all our pictures. Wow. Do we ever have a story............ I'm so Pi$$ed off. cause you broke my heart. But that's the first stage for me. So when you contact me..........I prob wont be as open hearted........ sucks......You think its all or nothing for you.... well...you aint seen nothing.......I'm open or I'm closed. And hurt me enough........ there isn't anyway.......no chance for anything.. not even friendship. Even though you'd probably be a good friend... Why is my timing off all the time?

well. I wouldn't be talking to you except...I had a crappy night. Yep you're still my happy place. You have that way of compartmentalizing that I can only dream of. I had a blah day. Finally unloaded on my boss about it all. He already knew. But it was a relief to get it off my chest. To admit my performance has pretty much sucked the last month, that was hard. Admitting I need time off, but I cant do it. I need crazy leave. Work is messed up, but it forces me to do something. I go in and don't talk to anyone, which is sooooo not me, but its so much better than staying home not talking to anyone. Then I completed a project, end of day today. And felt great. Until I came home. I hate coming home. Its empty and I have no motivation. But I was ok today, And then...well and then.. I was there again for a friend...been there the last month for them...sucked it all up..then something happened yet again with me and poof....they were gone. shocking eh. Im turning off my phones. Im done talking to anyone. Cause that's proof. I give my all. Push my crap aside and I still get the shaft. I'm just better off not caring. We talked for couple hours yesterday.... it was nice. But it was fake. It was nice to pretend it was all normal. It wasn't. But that's ok.. Part of the breakup process right? By the time you comeback.....I'll have so much resentment it wont matter. Im pretty sure you will come back, but I don't think I will be initiating anything again. I know I probably wont be able to resist your contact but I can avoid contacting you again......... Have a good life k I know. I know. I will be fine. But that wall. So many pieces chipped off. Wont be much left for anyone else.............

hey..........just hey. You know everything you said is bang on eh. I know it makes no sense. How can you push away the only thing you want and love...I know. I know it makes no sense. Maybe some day I will fix it............ All I want to do. I don't know how. And I figured you would help me. You would make it go away. Im so sorry. Talking to you made me understand. You do have the same feelings as I do. You just love yourself and wont tolerate it. And that just makes me love and respect you more. Youre a pain but youre worth it...My logical mind knows what I have to do. My broken heart just wants to wallow. I cant love you until I love myself................

How is it that its six weeks to the day...........and I feel like I am completely losing it? How on earth do I feel worse than ever??? I cried most of the day at work today. what the hell. All these changes (yet again)in my life, and all I care about is losing you. That's messed up. And yes, I could live that life. Love is enough for me. I don't have these messed up thoughts that your spouse has to be exactly the same. Being different is what makes things interesting. And don't you dare ask about my life. You left knowing all that was happening. You don't get to know. How. Dare. You. And I don't need to hear about your perfect life. As if you threw that in there. Everything is all perfect for you. Screw you. I've been there since the beginning for you. That was supposed to be for us. How dare you give me the updates. Are you that thick? You broke my heart. I hate you. No I don't. But I hate myself. You did so many awful things, don't get me wrong you did some wonderful things too. But those awful things..any girl with a backbone would have left. I didn't. And you chose to leave me when I was at my worst. You. Suck. And you don't deserve my love.

I don't know what you want me to say. I don't really have to think about it. You didn't really give me much to go on. So I'm not sure what kind of answer you are looking for... Is this some kind of test? Why do I suspect as much? If so, well, maybe I should throw in the towel now

Hey. you're a stupid a$$. no wait, that's me.... maybe if I had more self control, next week you would have been the one texting me first. Why did you have to tell me how much you were missing me, and how much you were thinking of me? For crying out loud, where was that honesty before? You sounded so freaking happy to hear from me. As if you never thought I would talk to you again. You know full well you've got all the power. I know you were happy to hear from me. I still don't buy that friend baloney but whatever. All the other cutesy crap and honesty showed me your true feelings. But your feelings don't matter, since you ignore them. So good for you. Enjoy your single life. Like someone told me, youre going to regret it. Based on your text, I think so too. But don't think I'll be waiting around. I am totally overreacting, I took twice as long to respond to you, but....yep its killing me I didn't get a response. I wish you had never answered in the first place. Cause those emotions you had, they were too much. You know I love you so quit the crap already.

Day25 I think. Whoopdee do. Starting to come to terms. Still cant get rid of the anger, and the disappointment and the hurt. But my feelings still win out. I'd go through it all again just to start over. I'm a moron.

well... hello again. This is so not fun. Wish I could just put my feelings in a box and ignore them. It's right messed up that I just want you to come crawling back. Funny how the things we loved about each other were so amazing...and the things we disliked about each other were so significant huh? They really weren't a big deal. But we've both got issues..apparently stronger than any feelings we may or may not have. Wish we had met earlier in life. Cant live with you, cant live without you. Damned proud I haven't even tried to talk to you. I just want to run away. Kinda thought you would have, but guess that's my sign. Wonder if youre thinking of me.

You're not worth crying over. Sure, you've got it all together..errr I mean you want to think you do....but you're not everything. Best I've ever had for sure...but at the end...not so much. So now my brain needs to get in sync with my head...logic...logic needs to win now.

hey.......

I just snooped your facebook. We were never friends there, and maybe ... oh probably was a good thing. Cause then you'd actually know if I blocked you and probably call me childish. Cause I've blocked you a few times the last few weeks. To stop myself. I never friended your friends and family when they would ask, cause it felt odd to me. Three weeks today since we've spoken. Well no since we texted, and you weren't enough of a man to talk on the phone or answer my questions. I suspect its eating you up though. You're an emotional man. I get we are done, though it hurts that you haven't checked in with me. Just knowing everything that's going on. It hurts. A lot. Four weeks and two days since you lost it on me. I was busy all day today with drama yet again. It doesn't make me emotional or a bad person that I want to help people you know. It doesn't make me a bad person that I feel deeply about those I care about. Yeah its bad that I let others pain affect me, but it is what it is. And you suck for not seeing where my stress was coming from. Anyhow.... it take three weeks they say to break a habit...so heres to hoping.

kinda numb today. not sad, not happy, just numb. Had a complete breakdown yesterday. Starting to think that the friend I have been confiding in is actually hindering me, not helping like they think they are or think they want to. I've backed away from every one, yet no one seems to understand that I just want to be alone. They are worried about me, I get it. But I don't need stupid messages constantly. And I don't need to be pushed. Funny saying that. Cause I couldn't get it when you asked me to stop pushing. I'll snap out of this too. My life has been a series of disappointments, but I always get back up. Im stronger than you think I am. Im stronger than what you have seen. We met at the wrong time. I really believe that. The girl you fell for is there still. Hell I heard what you said to your family the last time we were together. I heard you also when we were on vacation. I know you see me, Im sorry that you cant handle the rough times Ive been through. Maybe youre the weak one. All I know is that Im sick of being alone. Sick of wearing my heart on my sleeve and hurting like this. You always told me you loved what a good person I was. I guess Im just not good enough to fight for. You did terrible stuff too and I know it will come back to haunt you. I don't know what to do. I do love you. I know its scary. It scares me too. Almost sent you an email today. And a million texts over the last 15 days, but I restrained myself. See. I can control myself. I miss you and just want to hear your voice.

Hey. Gawd I want to just hear your voice. I miss you, and you broke me. That's all.

Its been 11 days. I still cant smile. I wish we had met at a different time. I think 11 days is usually as long as we lasted before. Gotta love your strength. Your head I think has decided for your heart. You've been so silent. I cant handle not hearing your voice. Why cant we just accept each other? I'd rather disagree and learn how to work together than feel this. Worst feeling ever. 'I never felt good enough for you. That's never happened to me. Usually I feel they aren't good enough for me, but I still stick around anyways if I tried long enough. I cant even focus much any more. No matter what, Im proud of myself for leaving you be. Its hard as heck for me, but I know its gotta be this way. Pushing never helped us. And despite you thinking it was just me pushing, you did as well. Just in other ways. I just was able to brush it off. Still miss you like crazy. Sorry I was such a pain and stressed you out. Wish I had known earlier. I hope you are well. And I hope you are actually taking time to think. And I hope I can finally learn how to live in the moment. Moments suck now....but they sure didn't before. If anything, you taught me how its supposed to be.

i know we are done. Reality set in today. We cant fix our $ until you fix yours and I fix mine. Know that I love you though. Im sorry we met at the wrong time. Ironic thing is, I cant fix myself until we fix us. So goodbye and I love you

You're right. It's for the best. I just spent the last hour going through our vacation pictures. I never did give them to you. I told you how grateful I was to you for bringing me back out of my shell. I don't think you realize exactly what that meant. I take it back, it's not for the best. But it's gotta be, at least for now. Still miss you. But I'm so angry and upset with you. They all tell me you'll me back. Why don't people mind their own business? You're not the only one Im not talking to...

6days. I thought we would have communicated somehow by now. it sucks.

Good morning. xo. I miss you.

Day Five. Yay me. Except this sucks. I had a decent day today. Even got comments that it was nice to see my smile. I haven't smiled in weeks. Then I got home. And it went to $hit. Yesterday sucked but the evening was ok. This. Sucks.

Hi. I hope you are enjoying your time. I hope you are doing some thinking. I hope you realize what we have. That external issues do not define us. They just added stress. Losing you has made the stress of everything else unbearable. I miss you. I want to see you. I hope we talk soon. It's not for the best

Day 1. Almost 24 hours. I need to let you go. I need to leave you alone. I thought we could do it. You couldn't say it, but your actions did. Everyone saw it. I said it, yet my actions proved otherwise. Funny. And I'm the heartbroken one. My insecurities at work I guess. I suspect if you don't come back, that'll you'll be the one who got away. I couldn't get my crap together and trust in us.....But neither could you. No wonder we fought. I don't want to talk to anyone either, and their constant checking in messages aren't helping me. They are making me feel worse. I'm so sick over all this. What happened yesterday? That was so messed up. You made me want to be a better person. You brought out that part of me that has been hidden for so long. You brought me back to life. But you'll never know. You never knew me before. We've been through this before....let this time be the time we figure it out. Please. I cant handle the heartache. There's a reason we keep coming back. I figure I will hear from you in a few days or weeks now, but don't be late. I've been told you will regret this. You'll realize it hasn't been bad. We are just frustrated. I miss you and you are so far away. If I move on, I will be the one ignoring you, so please figure something out. xo

Hi. Hardest week ever for me. I know you are able to keep busy and you can easily keep busy to ignore things..so good on ya for that. I only wish I could. I just want to curl up and sleep, yet I cant sleep. I know now why you stopped contacting me. Someone had to tell you to stop. Come on now, you're a smart guy..why did it take that? I give up. I just give up. Sucks to hear from everyone around us how much we love each other though eh? Why cant they mind their own business? It's up to us to decide and come to terms with it or not. I just want to hear your voice again and see your beautiful face.........

yep. they always come back. I just now..just now got a text from my last ex. I am flabbergasted. almost two years to the day we broke up.... funny enough I'm having issues with my current boyfriend/ex-boyfriend....I don't even know what to think..more to follow..maybe

Just because I said I didn't want to hear from you, doesn't mean I meant it. But thats my typical fashion...acting like a child I guess. What's wrong with us that we can't do it? I know what's wrong with me, but I just needed you to listen and support me. You do for everyone else. Why do you expect me to be so tough? I miss you loads. I'm lost without you.