hopelessincan

Well I'm actually having to think about how many days now. Monday will make four weeks. So I guess today is day 26. This sucks. I'm now starting to worry that he really just doesn't care. And he's too proud and strong. Or still angry. I want to make it at least another week. As I am now thinking that he really wont contact me again. I think I haven't said everything I needed to. Even though he told me more than once that men always come back.

wow. Do I ever miss you at this moment. Just hit me square in the face. Funny though, cause I actually had a proper nights sleep for the first time in a month. Woke up really early and I felt great. I felt at peace with everything. Felt love for you and felt ok knowing that my love for you is what is stopping me from contacting you. If you love someone set them free. I don't know what or why, but something must have reminded me of you. I think it was the silly tv commercial selling silly kitchen tools. I laughed when I saw it cause I could picture you wanting one. It's getting harder and harder for me to not reach out to you. But I know that I cannot. I hope you have a great day and I love you.

you're a son of a *****. no you're not cause your mom is fantastic. But I hate you. I don't but I want to so bad. I wish I could, so I didn't feel this pain. You don't deserve any of this attention you are getting from me even if you aren't aware that you are. You wont leave my thoughts. No matter how hard I try to forget you ever existed.

day 22/23 . yay good for me and screw you. I hate that I am getting attention from men again. two to be exact. And I suppose not again, its just that now I am choosing to see it and be open to it. I hope you are doing superfantastic but go to h***. The funny thing is that I know your doing nothing but working and sleeping. But still...you're choosing working and sleeping over me. So that's all I need to know.

day 21. Unbelievable. It's starting to feel like I never meant anything after 3.5 years. Oh well surprisingly today I feel ok. It may have something to do with the fact that I was really really low yesterday. Who knows. All I know is we have never gone 3 straight weeks without so much as a text or email or something. Hmmmm but then again it takes him a really long time to process things. I am starting to feel bitter towards him now. He told me he didn't want this at all and would think about things. Yet I haven't gotten so much as a hello from him. Screw him. The longer it goes on, the less my mind wants to contact him. I think a small part of me thought he'd be back in some form by now. But its him so I should double it and maybe 3 weeks from now he will. By then...well...that's a long time...

Happy Fathers Day.

Anyways. None of this is OK. It was always about you. Who cares how I felt when you would take your little fits for weeks and get pissed off when I called to say this wasn't worth the argument. Anyways. I hope you have a fantastic fathers day. Im fighting with everything I have not to email you on sunday and not to buy you guys a gift. You used to think it was the sweetest thing. I don't want him to suffer, but you frankly don't deserve $hit. And I miss him too. I hadn't realized it had been weeks since you had seen him either so I feel bad for saying what I said. But had you talked to me I would have known. So Im sorry for that. I put his gifts that I have had for forever in the basement closet. I had forgotten, and was sad and angry when I saw them today. I think you need to contact me to tell me that you have finally told your mother and best friend that we are done. I think hearing that would finally put the knife in the coffin. Since every time you pulled your weeks long angry fits and I thought we were through you never told them ........because you were never done. And you told me you still hadn't told them this time. What are you waiting for?!?! Like Nike, just do it. So I can finally admit it too. I have been dealing with this all on my own. Afraid to tell the few friends I still have that we are through. Cause they just wont believe me. LOL Its happened too much and I don't want to tell them its finally if you do decide to come back. Cause I look like a freaking idiot taking it and taking it and taking it. Ive turned into a depressed mess and who wants to spend time with someone like that huh!? Not them and certainly not you. I know that's partially what killed us, but I kept so much inside with you...that you don't even realize a lot of this is based on your behavior with me. Not an excuse, just a fact. I made you my life. But THAT is my fault entirely. But no one has seen the wonderful sides of you like I have. You are still a beautiful person despite your flaws. And that's why I love you so.

Wow I just typed out a whole lot of emotion to you and then poof I must have leaned on the keyboard by accident and the page closed. Maybe that is a sign that I have already wasted too much energy on you. point being, you have killed me.

soon you will be a distant memory. haha I wish I could say that and mean it, but i'm trying....trying to forget you exist.... and what do they say? fake it till you make it!. I think though that this is gonna hit you and its gonna hit you hard. you've never had a girl like me you used to tell me all the time. oh I'm the first girl you've really loved............. I had my $hit together.............lol I used to but its not together anymore. in hindsight, I probably lost my $hit cause of you. nothing mattered if I had you and I still mean that. You're going to realize everything. You had everything you wanted and needed. You used to feel bad because of how much I gave to you.....Its going to be too late I fear. I'm realizing things............ I'm starting not to care. Don't get me wrong, I still love you like I've never ever, ever loved anyone. I still think you are amazing. so smart so sexy and such a beautiful person. It's too bad you're so hung up on what happened to you in the past. If we didn't have our crappy pasts, this would be so wonderful. Good bye.

day 13. I guess technically 14 since its now Monday. I feel myself letting go. Still sad as heck, but realizing I gave so much. He had everything he ever needed yet it still wasn't good enough. That right there is probably the issue. A man who doesn't have to work for love, just takes it for granted. Hearts still broken, but I'm slowly coming back out of my shell. I want myself back so badly. Also realized that myself single and myself in a relationship are two different people. I just pray he doesn't contact me unless he actually really wants to try and give up all his emotionally unavailable garbage.

I guess this is going to become my nightly ritual. You suck. You've killed my heart. I want to hate you. I told you that the night you broke it off. You freaking looked me in the eyes and said then do it. OMG You had the confidence and arrogance to say that cause you know Im wrapped around your finger. Screw you. omg my heart is so broken. I'm fighting so hard not to contact you. At least let me make it a month. 16 days to go.

wow. this is just awesome. 4am and I woke up crying. well not really sure that I slept. I tried to but I tossed and turned and watched tv. cant even really watch the tv. I just stare at the screen while my mind wanders to bad places. knowing you, you've been sleeping like a baby these last two weeks. I'm pretty sure that's all you've done. gone to work and come home to sleep. Wish I could trade places with you, cause i'd much prefer to sleep this depression away than have my mind going a mile a minute. I wish you would get out of my head and my heart. The only consolation I suppose I have is I know that you sleeping is your way of 'dealing' with your emotions and sadness. You can work all day and be busy and not think about us or your feelings. The one thing I hope is that you have at least seen your best friend. You've pushed him away just like you did with me. The one good thing about buddies though, is they don't get as emotional about it, right? He loves you just like I do. We care about you and worry. Constantly. I hope now that I'm not around that you will talk to him finally. You have no one else. And you really really really need to let out everything you've been keeping inside. It is just not healthy for you. And if you have talked to him, I wonder if you told him about us. You've always pretended all was well. You never wanted him to think badly of me. Worry about you, and if he knew the gods honest truth about everything, I bet ya he would give you some good advice and maybe even slap you into shape. I'm holding out for you, but its getting harder every minute. The resentment is building up. I will always love you. And if you do come back, and I am a b**** to you, just know its not because I hate you, but because I have to protect myself from you. I keep building my wall up against you, and every time I think I am strong enough to keep you out............ it takes a smile from you to break it down. I'm not sure it will be this easy the next time.. if there is a next time. I still think that you and I were meant to be. And I think deep down you do too

geez I could have written that post above. sorry to hear what you have gone through bodyelectric.... ugh sounds so familiar.

I feel like crap today. numb and dead inside. just how I felt those few weeks before we split when you started backing off again. Deny it all you want. two days ago I was feeling better and trying to force myself to think positive thoughts. truth is I don't want to. I'm dwelling on this and its terrible and such a waste. I want my motivation back and my happiness. not sure why I started really thinking of you last night. I've been forcing myself to do things with people so to not disappoint them. but its so hard. I was out all day yesterday and it was great. Till I got home to the empty house. then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I still haven't told a soul. I'm guessing you haven't either. Its only been 10 days. I still hold on to the hope that you will realize being apart is a big mistake.

My god... I just had a terrible urge to call you. Just randomly out of the blue. To call and just let out all my anger on you. To tell you how much you have disappointed me. I can't. I know in my heart that I just cant. You have to come back, You have to want to make us work. You told me that last time that you really really did but you just weren't sure anymore. That it wasn't there. I know you. I know its still there. But you are so good at letting anger mask your feeling. I also remember you telling me that men always come back..... We were supposed to be each others lasts. We made it through so much, that the rest should have been a damned piece of cake. But no, instead you had to hold onto anything and everything that has happened over our entire relationship. I shouldn't have to pay for something I said or did years ago. Geez, if I had done that..... You deny that outside stress got in our way, but I think if you really sit back and think (and I hope you are) you will realize all the drama and bad luck played a huge part. I've lasted twice as long as usual this time before I've called and tried to patch everything up. Have you noticed? On one hand I think I will hear from you again, but I fear the worst. I fear that it will be just at that right time when you will contact me, just to break my heart in two all over again. I don't want a stupid little email asking how I am. Don't you dare. It's 'just not there' right? The stupid thought keeps coming back in my head, if I was to contact you, no doubt I could ease all my pain. I could have you back.. for one night, one month, maybe even a few.....But I know I have to stop doing this to myself. You said you would think about things. You said you didn't want to give up, but the feelings just weren't there. I know they are. I saw the hurt in your eyes. I pressured you and made you speak up. To tell me you tried so hard, I think that's a crock of ****. Trying would have involved you actually listening to a word I had to say, and really understanding what I was actually saying. Making changes to ease my insecurities. I know I played a huge part in this. I had no backbone with you. We have too strong of a bond for you not to come back. Just make it soon. Its been 10 whole days. That's like an hour for you. So I know I will have to wait a long time. Im nearing the anger phase, so just know that. I haven't cried today...but the day isn't over. I'm so numb, I feel like a walking zombie. I made you my life and that was so so very stupid.

Here we go again. Really? I swear this time is for good! You dont deserve someone like me. What a bad cycle we got into. You knew Id never leave. I Thought you'd never leave. I havent put up with half what I put up with you with anyone EVER!. Was I that blind and stupid? No, I just love you. I knew some things just werent ok, but just brushed it off. Always listen to your gut they say. I heard my gut, but boy did I ignore it. Tried to pretend it was just indigestion. I still think youre pushing me away. You do this every time. Every single time. Like clockwork. Thats why you still answer the phone if I call. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I call. I know you miss me and I know you know youre over reacting. Easier to push someone away than show them you love them. I know you'll be back. But cant promise I will still be here. Theres a slim chance. But its getting slimmer by the minute. I'm not like the rest of the people you've had in your life. I thought I had proved that to you. Man I hate myself for still thinking of you. PS: i made it almost two weeks without contacting you. I can do it again. I only called last week because i had a feeling. And it was right. I worry about you.

oh wow. Im the fool. Unlike last time, I wasnt going nuts needing to talk to you. Im fed up with your crap too, but I still have this terrible urge to fix us.... I dont know why I just called you. Im bored maybe? Part of me thinking you missed me too? Such a freaking fool I am. I knew in my heart you werent going to pick up so why did I embarrass myself? Because I want you to realize what we have. Its not normal to stay angry like you do....Im angry too, but it doesnt change the fact that I love you..and that trumps my pride. So I tried to raise the white flag and kiss your a$$. This isnt worth ruining everything we worked so hard to fix. But it takes two. Guess you cant say the same. You cant claim to love someone and completely ignore them like this. I just pray its because youve gone out with your boys....I hope thats why and you will call me after.... I was going to wait another two days then call you. But guess I have a lack of impulse control. Oh well, your ego just got bigger huh? You have until Friday to contact me in one way or another. Even a simple Eff you in an email would be better than this. I dont deserve this ...I know it and you know it..I choose to take it so its my fault. All because youve stolen my heart. I know you dont want to go on Saturday, and I really think that why you are acting out....but if we dont, we are done. WHEN you call me in a week, or a month or whenever I will not be responding to you. And you can feel the hurt. Feel what its like to feel like you dont exist. You know Im good for you and treated you like a king. And as you told me, no one ever has and you never believed anyone loved you before me...so just remember that...and think back to how patient I have been with you. How you got anything and everything you wanted. Just remember. You wait much longer and your sad excuses to talk to me like you did before wont work on me.

Here we go again huh? You tell me how much you love me, how beautiful and perfect I am. How you have never felt this way before, and wonder when it will all stop. Then this. I am not someone you can just ignore because you are angry. Never, ever ever have I let someone do this to me. Where did my strength go? I know. Its in your heart, can I please have it back? I didnt go to work today. Lol. Peeve you off? No doubt. Well I hate it and you know it. Doesnt matter now. I think im going to quit tomorrow. It was one thing to be miserable at work, but at least have you...now why should i be miserable all day and miserable without you? I will find something else. Hopefully of course before the money runs out. You could have been living here, but instead you choose to live in fear. Screw you. I was figuring you'd be living with me by christmas. I think you did too...but you'd rather run and hide then give it a chance. You cant live in fear of the past forever you know. As numb as I am right now, Im starting not to care. Meh whatever..maybe i will finish this later. I want to talk to you...but well its been two days so i should take a hint. good bye

I guess I cant post here anymore huh? oh well four more hours till youre up for work. I should sleep now so I dont get disappointed if you dont answer. man Im gonna need a wake up call wed... ............I should call you and ask! LOL You promised you would. GAWD I am missing you like crazy. You'd think this would get easier!

hmmmmmmm. Guess its getting easier for you. Yup I expected something from you today. I guess technically its still early but maybe youre mad at me, cause I am not playing your game. Well yeah I guess I am playing your game. But dont think I dont see through your emails. I know youre wondering how come Im really not begging and pleading and blowing up your phone huh? Is this going to make a difference? Are you missing it? lol Cause you know I would always come back to you after a fight. Our last breakup I was the one hounding you. You told me you missed me but pride wouldnt let you come back. Is that what I'm doing wrong this time? Should I be hassling you? You say it annoys you, but I think secretly, you liked me chasing you. Nah. I KNOW you did. It made you feel loved. I always made you feel loved. No matter what. So what I spoke my mind. Doesnt mean I love you any less. I dont know how much longer I can hold out you know. Funny thing is, I know I could call you anytime and I could go see you, or you'd come here if I asked. I know you cant say no to me. I should proably be using that to my advantage. Im trying to show you that Im not needy. But really I do need you. But more importantly - I just want you. But I want so bad for you to work for us too. Oh well hold out..............I will probably cave.

I want to get off this roller coaster ride. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to think or how to feel. I dont know why you pushed me away, why you thought you werent worth loving. I know my behaviour caused you to leave, but you need to sit back and look at your own behaviour. I am getting tired of feeling like this. Didnt cry last night, but couldnt sleep either. Woke up this morning after 3 whole hours of sleep. I kept trying to go back to sleep. No such luck. My mind is wandering and I just feel numb. I just want to sleep my day away. Woke up at the same time this morning when we used to - when you had to get to work early. made coffee, but you werent here to sit with me and watch the news. I feel empty. Is it time for me to try? Do you want me to tell you how I feel? How much I miss you and want you? Cause once I do, and if you say no, then I have to walk away. Once I do that, there will be no excuses for you to contact me.

My new favorite quote. Nice twist to the original

You suck. My heart hurts. That is all.

ugh. what gives!!!!???? really? you dont have to email me silly things you know. I answered the first one, because i DO want to talk to you. even though i know you are looking for excuses to talk to me. so if you were making sure i was home, well I gave you the confidence that i was. But thats two weekends in a row you email me silly stuff at a silly hour. You KNOW i love you. you KNOW i want you. So quit testing the waters. Everyone says you miss me too, but you cant come out and say it. Well what am I supposed to do? I cant chase you. You know im here waiting. and it SUCKS. Today was the first time that you sort of shared personal stuff with me. Sorry I didnt answer, but what were you looking for me to say? Im not your girlfriend anymore remember? I hope you come back soon. Love you.

Please get out of my head. I swear the more I do without you, the harder this is getting. HA! Its only been three days since I saw you/heard from you. Kind of thought I would at least have an email by now. Oh well off to an interview. It sucks that I havent been able to share all the updates with you and get your advice. I need it. But I was independent before, so I can be again. I know you emailed last week and asked, and I didnt really respond, but you DONT have a right to know. Funny cause this job is right around the corner from your place. Weird. Maybe I could sell my house and we can buy one there. Its cheaper right? oh I kid, I kid. Cried myself to sleep last night....the vodka helped though. So i have made a promise to myself not to contact you until i hear from you. But in reality I expeected something by now....so it was easy to make that promise. I know you love me. We really can work it out. I bet you arent contacting me because when I saw you, you realized how your feelings have not changed. I saw the way you looked at me. So give in instead of fighting! xoxoxo