hopelessincan

I. am. an. idiot.

Well...I'm feeling foolish and insecure. We barely talked today. It sucks.... Gotta guard my heart. Don't know how. I know you are out but that never stopped you from talking to me before. Fair enough I haven't really been talking to you either..but... I think its your job at least for a little while...if we are going to get back into the swing of things. Please don't make me regret this k?

Hey. Well we are talking again, but not going to throw my emotional crap on you cause no doubt tomorrow I will feel different. But there's a nagging feeling that just wont go away. You're gone now. It all worked out for you, and I am so happy for you. It's just bittersweet. You wouldn't say goodbye, cause it wasn't good bye to you. I did cry. You know I did. I miss you more today than I did that month I didn't talk to you. Reality has arrived. There's definitely something between us, that's apparent. Right or wrong, it's obvious. You're so transparent with what you tell me. I know you want it to work. I do. We are just messed up. I think I do just need it all now. I still wouldn't move tomorrow though. Told my friend last night that I loved you. He was surprised we never said it. Will be a cold day in hell before I tell you that. And you too. But actions speak louder than any word. I will never tell you I love you. But I do. So much. I don't think I can do this. What's a couple hours you say.... its a lot. I cant just get in my car to see you if I want to. I'm glad I spent those last days with you. I regret being so stubborn before that, but I still wish you had stayed away. My heart was protected and its all opened again. you should have just kept on driving past my house. Cause Im broken again

we are screwed. almost told you i loved you. thank god i had the sense not to. told you ten times i hate you. ya. we are screwed up. I love you though. a Lot. more than i realized. it was nice talking to you though. xoxo setting myself up for a heartbreak...........i know that........cant let you go............and it seems you cant either.......but i willl lose in the end............i dont care right now......bad but id rather have you a little than not at all good thing i didnt tell you that

Well there you go. You saw all my cards and the ones in the deck. Son of a .............. why couldnt you just leave well enough alone? I was better angry. Not ok, but better not feeling anything but anger. Now youve got me crying. Well havent cried like this in a month so maybe its good. Its finally come out and I can get on with things. I think my denial is over. Yay. Step in the right direction.

I hate your guts. I hate your guts. I hate your frigging guts. You can pick up the phone if you want something. I'm not answering your texts. Enjoy your new happy life douche. I'm so flipping mad it's not even funny. Yet my heart still fluttered when I saw your stupid name pop up on my phone. Guess thats the next stage of getting over someone who wasnt even worth it. Eff you. Everyone says you arent worth it, why am I the only one who can't grasp that. UGH! Thanks for ruining my day.

Something about the three week mark...isnt that how long they say it takes to break a habit? Im finding quite the opposite. I do really want to see you. I just want to hold each other...cuddle up how we used to. I dont care about our ridiculous disagreements. What a way to end. but maybe that was your out. No one knows your thoughts except you. And you wont even let yourself think what you dont want to...so maybe you dont even know. im thinking of you a lot these days. Like too much. Way too much. Wish we could really try. And wish you thought i was worth trying for. Xo

had a brutal day at work today. wish i could talk to you and tell you my fears and my crappy day. But you dont exist to me anymore. I miss you, but youll never know that. cause as far as you are concerned, I hate you. and its better that way. i need to hurt on my own. please dont call me and please dont text me. I cant see you or talk to you. You were a dream. I dread next week. Please just let it go and leave. I will live with my regret and my guilt for not answering you........... but if i have to see you or if you text, it will kill me. So if you care, just dont ok?

Guess its a standoff. I know youre hurt and angry for my not answering you but whats the point? I expected to hear from you at leaat once while you were gone...but guess it goes to show ya..... Things would have been different once you moved. youre surrounded by people when you're home... Doesnt giveyou time to think about us i guess. So ill be hearing from you in a week? Then youre gone for good. well happy can day. We were supposed to be at that party together. You promised youd be here. But that was before...who knows..mayve if id seen you and talkes to you, things would be different. But i wont be ypur crutch or make you think youre still a good guy. Deal with your guilt yourself. i didnt go to the party. Im chilling by myself in the sun, drink in hand pondering life. Its all good. they would have just gone on to me about how youre scared. And how they think you love me. Apparently its the way you look at me. running away spunds like a better idea eh dumny

I want you to know that I am sorry for not texting you back. I really really wanted to. You really are all over the map though. If you dont want all of me, then you cant have the good parts. You are quite persistent I must say. Looks like youve given up though. Its very hard on me not seeing you or talking to you. I hope you know that. Guess we will have to get together, so you can have your stuff. But its going to bring me right back you know. I see you and I melt. I really dont like you right now. You broke my heart. And you are moving soon, so that is going to be even harder.

Keep pushing bud...keep pushing...keep texting me that garbage. You're helping me hate you. I can't believe how stupid I am. No I'm not stupid...Just wishful...friends...um no.....dont try and turn it around on me......I told you twice....I CANT BE YOUR FRIEND so GO AWAY....ball is not in MY court..I told you i dont want to be friends.. Cause if Im so awesome and blah blah blah, then you would be ready. Eff you. I need to listen to my friends.... problem is..as much as they are usually dead on, they are the happy coupley ones.... so they dont know what its like........... You were such an awesome guy on paper.....I want to slap you. Leave me alone....we went from nothing to this in one god damned day. Unreal. OH. And how dare you use that reference. How dare you. Im emotional enough.. You didnt need to say that. Yup it tugged at my heartstrings..but you are a douche.

You have a great day too. but really??? Did you really just send me that? What the heck are you doing

and youre on the same mailing list as me........... so why did you check with me? You knew if it was happening or not...Did you get an email? no....so what would logic tell you? I miss you, and I wish you'd just moved on so I could hate you. I do better that way. Please give me a reason to hate you, or tell me you like me enough to work it out k? one extreme or the other with me. No in between. Cant do it. I cant be near you without wanting to be closer to you.

Dont know what you want me to say to you. You know there are twelve other people you could have asked eh. I know you miss me. That was such a see through excuse to talk to me............Just sayin'....... Not that I'm complaining cause i kinda dont mind seeing you twitch. Whether you are twitching cause of your feelings for me (you know those ones you are afraid to admit to) and think you may have made a mistake, you just miss my company and all that goes with it, or you just need to feel less guilty and need to know I dont hate you. Because heaven forbid someone doesnt like you. I personally think its a combination of all three. mostly 1 and 2 with some doubt and guilt mixed in. That was totally testing the water. Do you need me to say its all ok....sure lets be pals...Um no. I need a little more..... Im betting you spent all day on that email too. It wasnt a lot, but there was enough....You know we analyze........ I just read it again.... and i think you are really regretting...its reading in between the lines............ Respect my wishes huh............ yeah...........if i want you to.......... come out and say it!!!!! You can call if you want to contact me . (#*$&@##$*^#*$^@))*$(#&*(

well I blame my friend for this low moment. We were talking music as we often do. Went off topic, off the usual type of music....switched to country.go figure he told me to listen to your fav song. My heart sunk. Yup listening to it now. crying. and mad. You suck a$$ But i hope im fine tomorrow............. Have a great day back at work jerk.

Welcome home sunshine.. Or are you just leaving now? I miss you, but it doesn't matter right...i know you miss me too. Cant be your friend hon. You drive me nuts but your good qualities trump the bad. i had a silly thought youd drive straight here when you got back..,silly me

Hey. Hope all is well. Its been all of 9 days....but thats 9 days longer than we've ever gone the last year not talking. It's weird. To be honest, I dont like it one bit. But you made your choice, and I have to live with it. But I know you, and i dont think youre living with it well either. You never get rid of people in your life,,,,,,,,,,, but I wont stick around. You want me or you dont. I wont be your friend. Im gone unless you come back full force. You will have to deal with your own consequences. Been ok this week, not really, but in denial cause you arent in town anyway, but youre back tomorrow. It's easier on me knowing you arent here and I know you have things to focus on. Although Im not convinced your ok once the work is done and you are alone. Not sure how I;m going to manage that. It's one thing knowing youre gone and busy, a whole other thing knowing youre a ten minute drive away. I think this is the first breakup in a long time that i have handled relatively healthily. Dont get me wrong. I am down. I am angry. I am sad, But something has snapped in me...that I cant play the poor me card. Ive let people in, and theyve wanted to and listened to me. Oh someone else thinks youre an a$$. It made me laugh when they told me. Cause thats the one thing you cant bear to think that someone thinks of you. Anyways, I have forced myself out, and I have to say, its been kind of nice. Been a long long time for me. Was good of course until I got hit on. That brings me down, cause i want nothing to do with anyone else. But I know if I keep this up, I will be ok. But it doesnt mean I dont miss you. Cause wow, do I ever.

Then why did you leave?!

Hey. Youre a $hithead. But still a $hithead that was good for me. Felt good tonight to hear from people that you're an a$$ if you're gone...cause apparently I treated you pretty well. Guess everyone else saw what you and i couldnt or wouldnt.... we were good together.... despite being different. I had a wicked night. And you should have seen how well I played. I know you would have been singing my praises. So glad you werent there! Enjoy waiting............ I actually think you are going to wake up one day and think what did i do? i know it will be too late then...but hey story of my life right

little over three days. I feel like garbage. Miss the morning and night texts. I can probably make it through the week ok.... been leaving my phone at home when I go out/to work to lessen the temptation......but i may work from home this week, cause Im really not sleeping well and hate faking happy. I will be fine till you get back this weekend....then Im not sure how well I will be able to control my emotions..... Here's to hoping. Heres to hoping you cave first...I know youre thinking of me...but I know youre really busy too, and have other things to focus on......boooo this stinks

Frig sakes. I'm so torn. Part of me thinks you were one of those people who 'came into my life for a reason', but that other part of me really thinks if we were in better places, then we could so easily make this work. We wanted it to work so bad despite all that, and despite our differences. A minor disagreement? Geez..... remember you told me to speak up, or you would walk all over me? Well that's what that was. Then again, it wasn't even a battle worth arguing. Just stating my feelings yet again. We have more in common than you think. Look at all those memories we made over the last year. We had craploads of fun. We've got some wicked chemistry my fine sir. I think we'd work it all out. I shudder thinking about your new house and you moving on.....I was finally, maybe too late, but finally coming to terms with all that, but guess it was too late. I finally believed we could do it...... I was finally living in the moment........ I will probably never tell you this, but you brought so much life back into me....You have no idea..absolutely no idea.... You are so full of life, despite how down and confused and hurt you are....I will never forget you for that....but now I need to keep reminding myself that its possible to find it again...... I found you after all... you are my sunshine For someone who didn't want a relationship, you could have fooled me, this was the best relationship that I have ever had. That probably sounds sad. But unlike you, I don't give up. To my detriment though, obviously. You were really good for me. Maybe thats my attachment to you. Who knows. But everyone loved, loved, loved you. My friends all commented on multiple occasions how i was back, how happy i was.......how i changed for the better...you never knew that though. I was myself again...that one Ive been missing for a long long time I miss you lots. I know you're up home and thinking bout me too, maybe you will give into those feelings you admitted you were denying. Here's to hoping I have the strength to stay away. You know I panic, and it kind of scares me knowing you're gone soon. I know its not far, but still. Still have the pet stuff here, I have a few weeks yet to decide if I can see you to give it back, or if I will take the wussy way out and drop it off when you arent around.... I still havent come to terms...........Ugh! I was really falling for you, you know. I cant say that L word, but boy if you talk to a few of our friends, they think we are both in denial and feel that word. As much as I push, and and emotional....I wasnt there yet...even though I think you think I was......... xoxo thinking of you (and I need to stop). Miss you lots.

We knew. We were both trouble for each other. Yet we tried anyway. That pull was just too strong. I love your honesty, but geez can you be harsh. Our differences arent that great you know. We got along just fine, until we got too close. It was fine for you to tell me your feelings..but when I did...I was being emotional? Just following your lead my dear. my my We had craploads of fun together too. We havent completed our list! You love my emotions, but that's what you hate about me too. I think you cant handle our passion. I know I will forever be in your heart. When you get out of this fear, you are going to wonder what mistake you made. And I'm betting you miss me as much as I miss you. xo

What a difference a day makes. I'm happy. I can truly say I'm happy again. I had an amazing weekend with someone who truly thinks I am awesome and isn't afraid to tell me so. I think the same of him. I'm glad I've still got in in heart heart to know I can try again wiith someone new

I've got tears swelling in the back of my eyes right now...its a matter of time before they fall. They're there because I just let a little more of you go. I just admitted to someone that we weren't talking....Up until then I was pretending and avoiding. Afraid to admit it in case you were coming back. Its been five months. Of course you aren't coming back. I'm a fool for keeping that hope in my heart. Came close to texting you today. But why should I? You ignored my attempt a week ago. One attempt in three months to talk to you, and you ignored me like I meant nothing. I suppose I didn't really say anything useful .... just a simple hello, but people usually at least respond with a hello back, don't they? I mean, I got a text from someone who has a crush on me just yesterday. I responded. Cause its the nice thing to do. Hadn't talked in months. I didn't ask to talk about us, nothing. I just wanted to know there was someone still there at the end of the line. The man I love. I think you were the one. We both messed it up badly. So badly. We knew too. Just couldn't get out of that pattern. So, I wanted to tell you. I'm expecting a job offer. I think this one is going to stick. I wanted this one. Finally a job I want, and not one that I have to take. Guess my life is turning around. Sucks that you aren't here to experience it with me. We had so many bad things happening all at once with our lives for so long. Also, guess I should tell you that I've been spending time with a new guy. It's fun and casual. Gotta do whatcha gotta do. He's taught me already though that I deserved so much better. But I've said it before..... doesn't matter, cause I don't want better. I just want you. I still love you. I can still picture you holding me, kissing me, your smile. Everything about you is still a vivid memory. It should be a fading memory, but its not. My feelings are just as strong as they always have been. I hope you are well. I hope you are happy. I hope your life is everything you want it to be. I hope work is no longer upsetting you. I hope your son and mom are doing well. I wish nothing but the best for you, even if that means it is without me. I still think of you every day. xoxoxoxo

I cant believe I just texted you. As if I just texted you. Funny. The better my life gets, the more I miss you. wtd is wrong with me? the more I move on, the worse I feel. I don't think anyone will every dill your shoes. I've met so many ppl ten times better than you yet they aren't better than you. I've always been able to move on, why can't I from you? I think you've killed my hearr