hopelessincan

I miss you. I still want you to come back. Are you thinking of me too? Certainly you must be. your pride will never allow you to admit it though. I know that. I still want to call you, see you, hold you. There's no other connection like ours. are you seeing anyone? Something tells me no...but its coming soon I am guessing. I think I'm in a rebound. No I know I am. On both sides. he and I got a little too close the other night. I'm freaked out now. It felt wrong. Yet he and I ccontinue to tall and are spending a lot of time together. We were better off jusnot crossing that line. He's great dont get me wrong. Has a lot going for him....we are very different but the same. But the things that are different are too much. Its not going to become something and hopefully we will stay food friends but that means we have to stop now. please call me.

This is sad. I am sad. Not sad -depressed, but sad -pitiful. I want you. I just want you. I know there's so much better out there for me. I know I'm better than what you gave me. I'm so aware of that yet I don't care. We were so perfect for so long. What happened? I know the answer. I think about my past boyfriends, and even the new guy I have a huge crush on. Him especially....he's got it all. gawd does he ever. He's hot as hell, owns his house, has toys (though you know I could care less about that) On paper he is perfect. He's in my league as you would say. But still, I don't care. On paper you are a complete disaster. I know you started to try and deal with your stuff and I commend you for that. I do take some credit though. At least in some way I influenced you positively. I know you will look back on that eventually. What's really ironic though, is how I fell apart! You loved that I had my stuff together, yet were so intimidated. I would have given it all up for you, you know, For a long time after you left I could have cared less as long as I didn't have you. Deep down I knew better and did the bare minimum to keep things in order (like keeping my house or whatnot) but I've lost that drive. Its there somewhere still, but I cant make that effort more than I have to. I want you. Only you. yet in my true form....he's messed up. On the outside, he's got it all. He and I have such deep conversations and man is he confused ..... but that's ok. I know his issues, but ive somehow managed to keep up with my 'happiness'' with him and he thinks I am fantastic. I know his crap, but I fake though and manage to convince him and everyone else that I am happy. He think you are a jerk though because you just took your son away from me like it was nothing. It sucks and it hurts bigtime. He thinks you could have at least weaned us off each other.... but maybe in your head you were already doing that since you bailed at easter. Who knows with you really. It could have been nothing but it could have been a huge sign. Remember last Canada day? I pretended I was fine ..but I wasn't. But you were sick. You don't deserve this sickening longing I have for you. I can now look at other men and see potential, see attraction, see what I was missing from you...... but yet it still makes no damned difference. What did you do to me? You weren't so fantastic, what the hell? Thing is..............I think we were perfect for each other. I do, I really do. We brought each other down sometimes, But we brought each other up too. Things got rough in my life, and you bailed. You didn't feel it anymore..... Well I'm sorry I couldn't live up to that pedestal you had me on for so long. You had built me up for so long to be that perfect woman in your eyes......and all I did was disappoint you. Of course I did. Perfection doesn't exist my love. I was so different from your exes that you expected better from me. I know that. But Im still human. Went out tonight. Saw an old friend. Im patching things up that I messed up when we were together. It felt good to see her. Yet bad at the same time. She's a reminder of you. Yet you never met her. Shes a friend I lost when we were together. Because I did stupid things. I put you first, when you didn't deserve it. I have a feeling you will hear from me soon. Ten weeks after last I tried. I just need closure. I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me. Thing is. I don't think you can do it. You do love me and I know it. But I also know it doesn't matter. We are over. You need to hurt me bad so I can completely move on. I need to hate you and stop seeing all that's good about you. I love you. xoxoxo

just when I think I'm getting over you, I fall. What a meltdown tonight. Oh boy. I'm so hurt I haven't heard a peep from you. I'm shocked, disappointed and amazed. Have a great thanksgiving k? what are you going to tell your son? I know he's asking if you guys are coming for dinner. Did you finally man up and tell him that he wont ever see me again? I hope so. For his sake and mine. I miss him so much. I miss you too but you don't deserve to know that. I didn't even buy a turkey this year. So much for the 8 week rule, Monday makes 9 weeks with nothing. almost 5 months post breakup. . you don't deserve the longing I have for you. At least my pride has finally taken hold. I refuse to contact you no matter how much I want to. oh and met a fantastic guy a few weeks back. he's hot as hell, got his stuff together, thinks im amazing, he's always texting me, spending time with me. He treats me so well. Oh yeah, we're playing a sport together over the winter....at his insistence....He's a little messed up as am I, but let me tell you something....He knows how to treat a woman. Unfortunately. I think he and I are going to become the best of friends...but he's opened my eyes.............For a man like that to be so attracted to me, and want so badly to keep me in his life....its given me hope. I think I met him for a reason...to show me that I deserve the best and should never settle for less its funny though,,, i'd still probably pick you....

day 42. 6 weeks exactly. My best length of time so far. I made it 5.5 weeks immediately after the break up. Geez that was almost 4 months ago. I cant believe it. It still feels like just yesterday. Nothing has changed. Other than the fact that I do try and go out more now. Funny, cause if I'm really honest with myself, I felt this same way at times when we were together. I missed him a lot. I miss him really bad today. I cant get him out of my head. It's not worth it and I know it. I need a distraction. I've been getting flashbacks from last Christmas, and from birthdays last year. Nothing makes sense. Maybe its true.........maybe he just wanted to love me. The man who doesn't know how to love still doesn't but he really really wanted to. Thanksgiving is coming up. I wonder if he will start having these same flashbacks. I wonder if he will miss that home cooked turkey that I made for he and his family the last three years. I know his son will. I wonder if he knows yet..............

I have no more energy. I still want answers that I will never get..i still want closure that will never come. I still want to hear that i meant as much to you as you did to me. But you are making sure you are angry. So you feel justified. But it will hit you one day and it will hit you hard but knowing you,you wont do anything about it and will suffer in silence as is you. its been three and a half months or so but really we should add a month to that...you weren't here the month before either.,,that's what prompted the breakup. We could have fixed us. Effort fixes those lost feelings. They aren't lost, they are buried. do u know how many exes of mine over the years and to this day express their regret? Most . I don't think u can say the same. you suck. I hate you cause I love you. I can't move on. everywhere I look, everywhere I go, there's a reminder of you. Eff you.

It's killing me to love you too. But I'd still rather love you with me, than without you.

this email just popped up in my inbox as I subscribe to the thread and well I don't know what kind of challenge I am following anymore, here goes... Day 24 or I guess 23 since the last attempt at contact, its all just a blur. He is trying to blame me so he can continue to feel anger. Anger is better than feeling love I suppose. I spent a day googling that and all I can find is that he loves you blah blah...and its easier to hate than love....and as long as he finds reason to hate me then it helps him move on. What got him mad this time, was asking him why he hasn't told one person in his life that we split. 3 months later? cmon now. Well the convo had been ok before that, but he found a defensive excuse to snap and make himself feel like he made the right decision I guess. Except he wasn't really man enough to make the decision. I had to put those words into his mouth on that fateful day. I know he loves me. And Im not being naïve or wishing it. But I realize that for most people, love isn't enough. For me it is and I hate that people just give up. I know I live in a fairy tale, but for me that's what love is. I actually lost track of exactly how many days its been since that blurry night. But I counted today and its been 14 weeks plus three days. I have completely regressed and it makes no sense. This week has been hell on earth and I don't know why. Actually yes I do know why. I am heartbroken. And if I have to admit it, its probably a huge shot to my ego. I get unwanted attention on a daily basis, yet I cant get it from the one man I want it from. No man has ever walked away from me like this. And it hurts. Neither one of us have ever had a relationship so close as ours was. Yet he cant bear to talk to me. I know its because he will fall back into it with me. Hes told me that before. But why wont he let his heart win over his head?

Hey. You've become a thought in the back of my mind . A thought that's still there nagging but there nonetheless. I miss you still but I don't need you anymore. Bit man do I want you. I hope so bad that my urges to contact you have disappeared. I don't think you will ever hear from me again as much as I want to call you. but its not my turn anymore. You're good at letting your anger to hate and you have a special compartment in your head that you can hide any good feelings. I wish I could do that. you're still my (insert pet name here) but I know it doesn't matter). I sit on this site reading peoples stories and can't help but feel that you are going to be one of those that comes back. I still think Xmas. I just don't know anymore. We did have a good thing. We really did. But we got to such a bad place. We brought out the worst in each other. But yup. I still love you despite everything.

Well. You're so angry. I hope you realize soon that its so terribly misplaced. You're angry and hateful and I'm nuts. I'm nuts for still wanting you, for still wanting that talk, for continuing to try. What kind of moron continues to put themselves in the line of fire like that? Guess I just need to know that I meant something to you

Well that was a doozy huh?

You haunt me. Just when I am coming to terms with this whole thing, I fall back down. I'm doing it to myself but I cant help my subconscious thoughts. I cant help what I dream. If you wanted to make me feel better, and this upsets you so much, then you could have at least pretended to give a crap. You could have called or emailed once in a while. Instead, I get subjected to the same garbage you did when we were together. Being ignored, and feeling like I'm nothing. I hate the person I have become now and ever before.... I don't want to talk to anyone, I want to just stay in bed. I dislike myself and how much I counted on you. I hate how much hatred I have for everyone even though they've done nothing. im just carrying around so much anger that I don't know how to drop it. What was that movie with Tom Cruise called where they went through some operation to forget their lost love? I want that operation. I've never wanted to forget ANYONE ever like I want to forget you. I wish I could think of you as a bad mistake. A 3.5 year mistake, but I cant. My feelings are real, I don't lose sight of those feelings just because life got rough. I cant stand this. Maybe I'm bipolar and it isn't you after all lol... Cause these whacko emotions sure don't see normal to me. I'll be fine after tomorrow, since I can go to work and keep busy and I have plans pretty well every day for the next 8 days............. staying home alone sure doesn't help this loneliness and anger. I cant believe how you've done this to us. And how you don't even seem to care. I know you do, just not enough as I do.

I just want you here beside me holding me. I cant sleep since you left. I think I have slept in my bed once in 9 weeks. ive had people sleep over a few nights...they've slept there more than I. don't you miss falling asleep together? ugh geez. I don't cry anymore. I know that's good....but im living in lala land. just going through the motions... and if you care I start my new job this week. So you know, I am taking care of myself even though its really hard cause all I want to focus on is you. You know no matter how low I happen to get that I still do what needs to be done. You know that. as much as I might not be up to it, I do it. although im going to miss your wake up call tomorrow. god how I loved those. even up to the end you still did that. your feelings never changed. I know you feel as I do. You've just got a tougher spine than i.

this is so weird. I still think of you. But Im not sure why anymore. Is it because I really love you and miss you? Or do I just miss someone? I don't really want to know the answer, because I am pretty sure, no I am certain that it is you that I miss. I am surprisingly ok these days. My sleep is way messed up but that is to be expected. I still sleep with that teddy bear you gave me. How sad is that? Im dying to see your place and see if the things I gave you are still out. Ive being going out. And a lot. Well a lot for me anyways. Im even spending time with people I don't want to really spend time with. But I do just to do something. Just so I don't have to think of you. Its weird. I don't cry anymore, but I know that no one is you. You know we are meant to be. I want you to please go start dating so that you can see that too. I know that no one will match our chemistry or mental connection. it sucks knowing that..... but what can I do? cant make you act on it. I hope you are doing better. its killing me to know that you are recovering with no one there to take care of you. I've passed the point of calling you anymore. That much I know... I said the other day (here) not to contact me, but I secretly still want you to. just want to hear you tell me how much you miss me. But 9 weeks today and I haven't heard that yet, so not holding my breath. I don't want a phone call to catch up. please only contact me because you want to fix us. xoxo

I went on a date today/ tonight. I had fun for the most part. But no matter what, no one is you. And its funny, cause some people have more to offer than you do. But that crap doesn't matter to me. I don't care what anyone has to offer. Even though that's a big thing for you. I care about who someone is, not what they have. I didn't think of you the whole time I was out today..............but now im home, and I just want you. But it scares me cause I felt no guilt for anything I did or said. Guess I have come to terms with how my life is now. Without you. You are the person that I want and love. You have so much more to offer than you think. You are a wonderful, down to earth, honest and spectacular guy. Please don't settle for less than you deserve ok? I know you never felt good enough for me. And that caused us both to try to be people we weren't. Sucks. Cause we didn't need to do that. Omg do I ever love you. I dislike you right now, but I love you so very much. Just don't come back ok?

i'm glad you went to deal with your stuff. I hope its true that this was a real fix and not just dealing with the symptoms again. Anyhow, it really sucks that you never bothered to tell me and that you never asked me to take you. I am so hurt. Selfish for me to think maybe, but its how I feel. You complained how others always walked away from you. I never did. Again, something else you never let me prove. Really nice to think that the next girl will have your attention and that wont be the focus of the relationship. Real awesome. Sucks, but only sucks for me. I'm the idiot who was thinking of forever. And forever meant the good and bad and sickness and health. Now she'll get all the good stuff. Now I will not be making any more effort. No calls, no texts, nothing. You want me gone. Im gone. For real. So if you want me its your turn to fight. Goodbye my love. xo

Im posting here, but I think its useless because I don't think I can hold out any longer. Youre home from work soon so expect a call. Its time we talked once and for all. 8 weeks Monday and this is all im worth to you. Man it sucks.

I hear ya hon! I'm finding the same thing for some reason. Today is day 47. The last couple of days have been worse than the beginning. And I think its exactly because I figured he would have called or at least emailed by now.... He's the one that told me that men always come back.

Hey. What's up? I miss you. But it doesn't matter. I love you. But it doesn't matter. I worry about you. But that doesn't matter either. It's been 6 weeks ya know that? I know that's not a lot of time for you. I've finally learned that after being with you for so long. You're most probably in that I miss her a lot but I'm stubborn and going to make that anger shine through phase. Hey I wrote that yesterday. Figure I'll just leave it. Since I felt love yesterday. Started doing something else and forgot about you. Good thing cause today I am angry. I'd rather write angry thoughts than waste my time crying or thinking of you. You're a . A selfish, stubborn, stupid jackarse. Thing is though, I cant figure out who I'm mad at. You or me. I think I'm more mad at myself. I went from independent girl with a backbone to a spineless submissive girl just treating you like a king. When I think of what I've lost and what I've done with my life, I hate myself. But I didn't care then. All that was important to me was you. At one point, and for a long time I was the same to you. Then I just watched you slowly distance yourself - ever so slowly that you denied it. Did you really not realize you were doing it? I was like a kid being punished. Anytime we got in an argument, a piece of you left or you took something away from me. Except unlike that child that was being punished, my time out never finished. It's my fault though. You teach someone how to treat you. And I taught you that it was ok to go take your fits for weeks. I wasn't always like that. I can remember the first year and a half how I would just go on my merry way and ignore you. Then you'd come to me and I'd tell you that I wouldn't tolerate that crap. You didn't like that I wouldn't play your game. But at least you respected me. Then - and I have no idea what happened. I fell apart. Somewhere along the lines you became my everything. I let you walk all over me. I know it wasn't as bad as that sounds but I basically did. You'd stopped making plans, even though I knew you'd be over to visit. It still hurt though. I'd cry and I'd cry a lot. You started saying 'we'll see' or 'not sure'......... but Id ignore it cause I knew youd come. The worst was thanksgiving last year. You were mad at me a week or two before but we were talking..... I never told you how bad you made me feel. But spending all that money on turkey and the works and to wake up early to start cooking it only to wonder why I was being so stupid. But I knew that your son looked forward to it... and I knew that you would come. And I looked forward to seeing him. Oh weren't we so good at faking how there were no issues with us to him? Have you told him yet? He must be bringing up my name a lot these days and wondering why I haven't called? I miss him like crazy. UGH. I'm done talking. You jackarse , my anger has turned to hurt again. Crying as I type this............. Oh and thanks so much for calling me back like you promised last week.

well Im a fool. omg am I ever a fool. kind of stupid I'm posting here really. since I just texted you. I don't know why. Kind of thought you'd respond, but I guess its only been a few minutes and you're probably shocked not to mention its late but I suspect you are still up. I suppose I didn't really say anything that requires a response but...one would be nice to at least pretend I meant something to you. omg Im a damned fool

Meh. Who cares any more. Who effing cares? You gave up. I know you're depressed. So am I and its too much to handle. Life doesn't happen as we want it to all the time you know. Had an old friend come visit today. He saved me from going to see you. He didn't know I was going to go see you. But he's going through a break up too. Difference is, they were only a year. And they had a huge age difference and well he thinks she cheated. Hes better off. yet, he thinks there's still a chance for you and I. I need to give you space. God. Could I give you any more space? You got anything your heart desired. And to my detriment. I'm in a real bad place. It's brutal and this isn't who I am. But I neglected myself because your stuff was more important. OMG. You know we were made for each other you idiot. I've never opened up to anyone like I have with you. NEVER. And I know its the same for you. Even that girl you were with for six years. You know we are supposed to make it. I don't think I will ever have again what we had. Ever. Sad thing is that I know it now. You wont realize it until its way too late. Cause I have to move on. And when I move on, theres no coming back.

day 32. This sucks. But what I think sucks the most is that he has made no attempts.

That's a nice post Beaton. I just came here to write, since I don't know what else to do. Today was day 30 for me. 30 days since he walked out and apparently didn't look back. It honestly feels like it was just yesterday to me. I feel like this is a dream and I'm outside looking in. I know he is in his own little world and it is right about now that he is going to start missing me. I still feel his presence in my house. I've put all of his stuff away, but that doesn't matter. I sit on my couch and I just flash back to the night we broke up. I look at the chair in my room that he had to lay his work clothes on with his OCD. I cant sleep in my bed. Even the things he said he would do around the house for me like fix the broken light. He didn't do it. It made me mad, yet it still made me think of him. And the positive thoughts of him still shine through. I still think he is going to walk through my front door. Every time I hear a car at night, I find myself looking out the window. I know its not him, but I cant help myself. I still think he is going to call me. It feels like it is just another one of his moods or arguments when he got overwhelmed and flight kicked in. Yet I somehow know its different this time. I keep giving myself a timeline of when I will call him. I thought I would fathers day. Yet I didn't. I thought I would last weekend. Yet I didn't. I thought for sure I would have on day 28 - 4 weeks in. Yet I didn't. I watched a funny video today that he would have loved. My first instinct was to send it to him. I didn't so much even draft up an email. I remembered that he isn't mine anymore, so it doesn't matter.

You piss me off. How could you look me in the eyes and tell me that you tried? If you tried, then you would still be here. Trying does not mean doing the same thing over and over and over again especially when I tell you how much it hurts me. But don't worry, I know your answer is that I kept doing the same thing. But you refuse to see your part in it. I kept grabbing hold and there you have it. I should have been the one to leave you. Not the other way around. But I stayed because I love you. I know we have it in us to make it truly work, but it's apparently not worth the effort, I guess work is more important. When you're old and grey and alone on that rocking chair like we thought we'd be on together, I wonder if you will look back and realize that work didn't matter. People do.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my behaviours that contributed to this end. I'm so sorry for making you fall out of love, or making you think that you have. I'm holding onto the fact that you are damn good at letting anger or hurt cloud your judgment. You told me yourself that you let your anger win. That way you don't have to feel. Like a lot of our relationship, that was a pattern. I tried to talk about the bad pattern we had gotten into...but neither of us did anything to change it. It became normal. It wasn't. I'm holding on to our connection and hoping that you are too. We have both had some pretty awful things happen to us in the last couple years. It brought us closer for a while..then I know it got to be too much. I just want to hear your voice. And I want things to be like before. Please tell me that you feel the same way. I miss you so much. I just want you to hold me and never let me go again. xoxoxoxo

i'm writing you a letter. Im NOT going to call you and Im not going to text you. I finally bought a new phone so text works again. I haven't added you back as a contact. Really that's irrelevant though, all your numbers and email addresses and your face are imprinted in my mind. I wonder if you've texted my work phone. I sure hope not. I don't work there anymore. Since last week. Remember that night you broke it off and how I had called you all day because I was upset about the conversation I had with my boss and I told you it wasn't going to work out and how disappointed you were in me? Well I tried. I really really did. I know you got sick of hearing my complaining all the time. yet that day you chose to hang up on me etc etc, thinking I was crying over you and your crappy behavior again. No I just needed an ear. But it was never ok for me to call you at work. You never had time. You had time for everyone else. I still picture your face, when you told me I needed to focus on me and my job. It stung. It still does. And all I could say to you was that some things were more important to me. And I mean that. Of course I don't want to end up living in a garbage bin, but knowing that a job is sucking the life out of you is not somewhere that I want to be. I only hope that you realize that yours is killing you. I hope you've gotten one of the jobs you applied for. But man if you have and you haven't told me, that hurts. You used to tell me everything. We knew each others worst and best everything. I guess you didn't believe how serious it was, cause Id like to think you'd be here knowing I 'd be upset. I realize how it must have been for you with all my drama. I do. But like everything else, I figured we'd get through it all. I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted. I'm sorry that I changed. I know I did. But my love for you never changed and just got stronger every day. And unfortunately as I saw you distancing yourself (though you deny it), I'm sorry for chasing you. But damn. I really thought I'd have heard from you by now. Guess you really don't have any feelings.