melrich

You are right, this is a crazy idea. In fact its stupid. I am sure your plans will work...up until the point where, after entrapping him, you ask for one more chance. If I was him I'd feel abused, if I were you I'd feel used. Having sex with someone to entice them back is not real smart. One other tip. Guys think completely different to women after orgasm. Guys first thoughts are "right that's over lets get on with something else"...often manifests itself with them getting out of bed straight away or wanting to go to sleep. Women generally want to luxuriate and cuddle after orgasm, to talk about how much they are in love. You do not want him in a post orgasmic frame of mind when you make your one last plea to him...believe me I am a guy. I think you should re-think your plan as it could result in both of you looking back on your 4 years together with some bitterness.

Do not wait. It is a waste of your time. If she wants to get back together with you she'll let you know in some way whether you wait or not.

What you are experiencing here is the "thrill of the chase" syndrome. Lots of guys, particularly young guys go through this. essentially what turns them on is chasing a girl, trying to get someone to fall in love with them. What turns them on - girls playing hard to get. What turns them off - girls telling them how much they love them and want to be with them. My dog does this, throw her a ball abd she will chase it, if she sees a ball just lying there on the ground she'll ignore it. If you want to play the game I suggest you ignore this guy COMPLETELY! He'll get interested again and you'll go through the whole thing again and it may be fun for a while but it probably won't last forever. These relationships (and there are lots of them) are usually very volatile. If you want to play the game don't whatever you do write him a letter telling him how you feel, that is exactly what he does not want to hear. And don't give in to him too easily if you decide to play his game, it can be tough to play if you do not also enjoy this type of relationship, the other thing that usually characterises these types of people is that they usually like the thrill of more than one chase. He is not a bad guy, it is just the way he is, and if you understand that and don't take the relationship too seriousy you will not get hurt.

Wow, I have never seen so many generalised assumptions in one post. Don't worry about what other people think, don't worry about the image of bisexuality, most people don't give a persons sexuality a second thought. That may seem hard to believe but really it is true, it is such a minor part of our interactions with other people. Just be who you are and try and forget about how others might react to it. There is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings for other women through short term relationships or one nite stands....same as if they were hetrosexual relationships.

Hi Mermayd, this is an interesting question. Very few people enjoy kinky activity for the sake of being kinky. What is kinky to one person may be the another persons worst nightmare so while you may get lots of suggestions, you need to be careful about introducing your partner to them. Anal sex is a good example, some people love it and others are totally grossed out about it. But I will say that just about everyone has at least one sexual fantasy they have grown up with. Many people will not disclose their fantasy because they are embarrassed by it, no matter how harmless it is. It is often easier to admit our ultimate sexual fanatsy when someone else actually brings it up. I would suggest you have a few drinks with your partner and have a fun chat about different sexual fantasies, see which one he responds to best, (i would not mention any that you are uncomfortable with). Some examples maybe, shaving, anal, role-playing, watersports, tantric, crossdressing, light bondage, submissive/dominance, infantilism etc. The other thing you should be aware of is that sometimes when people finally get to act out their fantasy, they don't actually enjoy it, so set the rules upfront, if you start something that one of you doesn't enjoy, stop it. You can PM me if you need more details.

You don't say what the problem is so it is difficult to make a judgement about the seriousness of it. Remember people have different perspectives on things, what may not seem so serious to you may be a huge issue for her. You rightly say that the problem is not all yours, there are always two sides to any issue, you have to put yourself in her shoes and examine the problem from her point of view and try to see why it is such a big issue for her. Of course she may just be using this problem as an excuse, it happens and is entirely possible that she may have simply fallen out of love with you, feelings are not always forever. Good luck with it all.

Derek,

I understand what you are saying. But note in my post I said "consciously". Some people have anti-social or psychopathic personalities that do not enable them to understand the impact their actions have on other people so even though they may do things that hurt people they are in love with, they do not know they are doing it. Note I also said "consistently". Sure we all blow our tempers occasionally and do things to hurt people we love and we feel bad about it afterward. But we don't do it consistently or over the longer term, if someone is consistently doing things consciously that hurt a person they love, then they are either not in love with that person or they have a personality disorder, because it is not the normal state of affairs. Finally I agree that we will occassinally have to hurt someone we love in order to help them, as you rightly point out. But we do this with good intentions, again not to consciously and deliberately provide hurt.

Hi Losinghope. You messaged me and asked me to reply so here goes. I read your post and it is not dissimilar to an experience I went through, a break, then back together, then break up again. I am sure this is a common theme in many relationships. The trouble with being the "dumped" partner is that you have no control over the situation and that is what you are going through now. No contact is all you can do, it is the only discipline you have in this situation. But do not confuse it with a tactic to get back together, it is not. It is a way of coping, it is a way of making the pain go quicker. The truth about getting back together is all circumstances are different and what may work for one relationship may not for the other. Sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder, sometimes out of sight out of mind. Also you should not read too much into little things, the valentines day present, the email etc. These are probably just innocent gestures on his behalf. If what he is teeling you is that it is over, you can only accept that. If he is saying he just wants a break, give it to him. But if he is just riding rough shod over your feelings and needs he is not in love with you, not in the way you would want someone to anyway. Humans do not consciously hurt the people they are in love with, it is just not our nature. We do hurt the people we take for granted, we do hurt people we perceive need us more than we need them and we do hurt people we have no real feelings for one way or another. you should ask yourself is he treating you in a way you would treat someone you love. Be honest. If the answer is no then I think you have the answer to all your questions.

Hi Drifter. In my experience (my own and observations of friends) is that these situations can end up with the two parties getting back together especially in the circumstances you describe. My observation is that if there are no obviously major issues in the relationship and the seperation happens very quickly, there is a good chance that there will be a reconciliation. I would advise you to honestly examine how the relationship was going in the lead up, did you suspect any unhappiness, were there any unresolved conflicts between the 2 of you, do you honestly believe your wife was in love with you. If you can find no hidden issue or strong reason for the seperation to occur you may find your partner has made a spur of the moment decision which on reflection she may not be so sure about it. Then it's the same old advice, give her space and just be there when she needs you, don't try to force things. If you find a reason for her leaving then you have to work on that.

This is not going to be what you are wanting to hear but on reading your post I think it is the best advice I can give you. Your ex-boyfriend does still love you, he's just not in love with you and I suspect he is trying to end your relationship as gently as possible for you. The simple fact is, if you are in love with someone you do not take a break so you can date other people to test the strength of your relationship, it just does not happen like that. Reading your post I think you are both relatively young, you say it is the first true love for both of you, it is not unusual for one partner in this situation to have feelings of wanting to explore what else is out there. It is unusual for people in their very first relationship to make a commitment for life.

Take the break and get on with doing your own thing, live as though your relationship is over and you will not be together again, any pressure you apply now will just reinforce his feelings that he needs time apart. There may be a chance that the two of you will reunite at some point but I have to be honest with you and say in my experience this is less likely than likely and you should save yourself a lot of pain and anxiety and accept that your relationship with this person is over. You will recover much more quickly than if you hang on to the slim hope that you will get back together.

PS. I would make one other observation. Many times I have seen people break up for this kind of reason. Sometimes the motive can be more devious than just letting someone down gently. Sometimes it can be "well if I don't finfd someone better I can always go back to such and such in the meantime". Be careful of this, this is just one person "using" another.

How could anyone say whether she has feelings for you or not on what you have posted.....basically sounds like she is just being friendly to me. You say you want advice but you only want a certain type of advice...well mine would be ask her how she feels about you...simple and what have you got to lose? If she says she is not interested it is teh answer you would have got eventually anyway and if she says she is interested you have cut out a lot of mucking around.

I am sorry to sound so brutal but the best advice I think I can give is to tell you to move on. Let him sort himself out. You are young and will fall in love again. (soon I am sure)

You have what is commonly termed an obsessive/complusive personality. This is a very common trait, many, many people are obsessive/compulsive and don't even know it. The most common manifestation is worrying about something and then performing a task (often repetitively) to alleviate the worry. That is you obsess about something the act compulsively to rid your obsession. Do not worry about it unless it starts to impact your day to day life. From what you have posted that does not seem to be the case. Just think about it as one of your little quirks.

Davew, relationships are not a game with a prescribed number of calls and rules of engagement. If two people feel strongly for each other they will usually welcome a lot of interaction, if they don't, constant interaction will be stifling. To me, if anyone in any relationship is questioning the number of times thay are calling their partner or making contact then something is wrong, there is something here in this relationship you are not computing. I would suggest you confront it and get to the answer sooner rather than later because you may be following the wrong path right now.

You are doing all the right things and you have the right attitude, something we should expect from a mature person who has been in a relationship for 9 years. From the sounds of things I think there is every chance that you two may yet reconcile. Sometimes when we get these sudden shocks (long term relationship breaking up) it makes us realise what is important and gives us the courage to confront our true feelings and emotions. Be there as a friend, understand that you both need to be happy and remember this is not just about you it is about the two of you. Whichever way it goes for you two I have the feeling that in the long run it will be the best outcome. (If that makes sense)

With this I agree.

Cheers

We are arguing on the same side of the fence. You are saying pretty well exactly what I am saying. Don't use zero contact as a tool to get someone back, use it if you need to to help you get over a realtionship. I am not saying zero contact is a bad thing, quite the contrary, if you are an obsessive type that cannot cope with a post relationship relationship it is probably the best thing for you to do. But if you are comfortable with seeing your ex and you can live with being just friends then zero contact is not necessary.

Either way it should used as a coping tool, not some strategy to win someone back, it is too transparent for that.

There have been a lot of posts lately referring to the "No Contact" rule, usually in the context of using it as a strategy to get back together after a break up. The theory I guess being that the person who has broken up with you will realise how much they miss you and decide they made a mistake and will want to get back together.

I have no doubt that this on occasions happens. Whether the zero contact has anything to do with it I am not so sure, I think equally people will get back together where they have remained in (amicable) contact. I believe that using zero contact as a strategy to get back together is missing the point. Whoever proposed it first in these forums I am sure used it in the context that breaking contact with that which is hurting you is quickest and best way to stop hurting, it will still take time but it won't take months or in some cases years. And maybe, just maybe (because more often than not a break up is a break up) the parties will get back together but I would argue if there are true feelings of being in love between the two individuals they will get back together whether they are in contact or not.

The other "positive" about the zero contact tactic is that it stops people from doing and saying all those stupid things they are inclined to do in times of extreme emotional stress. This is important because often what happens after a break up where one partner is particularly obsessive is tantamount to stalking and emotional abuse. No one should be subject to constant harrasment no matter how much you feel you have been wronged. If breaking all contact helps you avoid this particular type of obsessive behaviour then it is the right thing to do.

The other flaw I find with zero contact in terms of it being a strategy to get back together is that invariably while having no contact with the ex, the dumped individual is talking to anyone who will listen about their undying love and intention to wait for till the end of time to get him/her back. At the same time they are moping around and simply existing. This information invariably gets back to the ex anyway.

Want to know the best chance you have of getting back together with your ex? It has nothing to do with zero contact. Try as hard as possible to put it behind you. Live life, try some different experiences, work at being happy. In short be the person your ex fell in love with in the first place. If there are still any feelings there they will come out regardless of whether you are in contact or not.

And finally, remember, although you may not feel it immediately, time heals, you will get over it, you will find someone else (if that's what you want). I can promise you this as surely as night follows day.

I can't say I agree with the previous replies. From what you say it is you that is initiating all the contacts and all she has done is come over to see her dog (shouldn't be any problem with that, if it is find another arrangement for the dog). You can't tell someone to just hang up on you if you call especially someone you were once close to. I would imagine that continualy hanging up on you would be emotionally distressing for her and I am not surprised she has started answering the calls, no one should be put in that position. You have to take responsibility to not keep calling her. I think your ex has been very clear with you from what u say, she wants the relationship over. It is not unusual for an ex to feel pressured from constant phone calls and begging into getting back together, it is also not unusual for the situation to fall apart again pretty quickly. My guess is that u are (unintentionally) putting your ex through a very difficult time and she is torn between not wanting to hurt u anymore and wanting to free of you. That is perfectly natural. It does not mean she is confused, she sounds like she knows what she wants but you are making things very difficult for her. If I were you I would stop making the calls, make alternative arrangements for the dog and move on. You will both be much happier much quicker than if you continue to badger her and place unreasonable demands on her.

Mahlina, I have no problem with what Hero99's post. Just that I think it is important to put those theories in context. Hero99's post addresses some personality traits that may be more common in men and some that may be more common in women. It is important to provide context. Human behaviour is driven by the combination of personality, environment and reward. that is the classical pshychiatric triumverate. It si important that no one driver is looked at in isolation and that the complexities inherent in each driver are noted. I am sure Hero99 knows this and accepts my note to his post. It is only to provide context.

Cheers

Yes I understand what you are saying but I think it is important that when anyone describes these types of theories they make notes in the text to advise that they are generalisations only. Many people reading populist psychology take the theories at face value without considering the complexity of human nature.

It is difficult to say definatively because there is not much detail in your post but what you do describe are some of the indicators of depression. This is a medical condition and depression can range from mild to chronic. I would suggest that if your feelings are starting to impact your lifestyle you should see a psychiatric specialist and discuss your symptoms with them. Mild depression is a relatively easy condition to treat.

You need to be very careful about placing people into "boxes". It is a habit the populist psychology movement is very fond of doing because it is easy for the general public to digest. In truth people are far more complex than this and will adapt their behaviours and personality to the environment they are in. Even the creators of Meyers/Briggs, probably the most widely used personality profiling tool, are careful to note that individuals will act all accross the spectrum eg from dominant to submissive according to the environment. Putting personality traits on people according to gender is even more fraught with anomolies. Yes there are physiological differences between men and women, and it is widely accepted that men and women have different thought processes but the difference between man and woman is minute like the difference between love and hate. Men inherently carry female traits and vice versa. Some men are more female than others and vice versa. In fact at the extremes (that is the classic model you describe in your post) you will find typical bell curve populations. The great majority of men and women will populate a range around the median and the differences in their behaviour drivers will be far more subtle than those those you allude to.

In some ways you are right when you say lots of broken relationships get back together, they do, I am 42 and have been through it myself a number of times and seen many friends get back with exes over the years. What is very rare though is these relationships actually working the second time around. When we break up we feel a huge sense of loss and we start to see all the things we did "wrong". We promise that we will change and things will be better if only we get one more chance!

And usually with an effort we can change and we can make things better, for a while. But we have personalities and personnal characteristics that are almost impossible to change long-term and eventually these will come out and eventually the same sorts of issues that caused the break up in the first place will rise to the surface again. Whilst at the time of break up most "dumped" partners want nothing more than to get back together again because things will be so wonderful from now on, in my experience the best course of action is to get over it. I have seen some people buy some more time, maybe a month maybe 6 months maybe a year or two, by promising they will change and things will be different but eventually the issues that caused the break up initially come to the fore and you are going through the same old thing again.

This girl is not crazy. She is going through a perfectly normal phase where she is confused about what she wants. We all go through this at various levels at different times in our life. (The classic is men's mid life crisis). What you are seeing here is your ex stuggling with two things she wants but has yet to decide what she wants more. One thing is a relationship with you, I don't know what the other is it may be freedom, it may be another person...it could be any number of things. Whatever it is she does not believe she can have both and that is what she is struggling with. For you I think it means the same old advice, give her space make a decision and come to terms with it. try to be supportive where you need to be. Don't get hung up on the "mixed signals" you are getting, I am sure it just means that she is struggling to work through her options.