melrich

You should not be so hung up about the "why". Often the person who broke up themselves does not know why, it is just a feeling they get and I suspect this is how come your ex is unable to give you an easy explanation. I know it is not as simple as this but think about something you have liked in the past that you no longer like as much, a food, a drink, a hobby, even friends you once had but no longer see. More than likely you would find it difficult to explain to yourslf why you no longer like those things as much. That's because our needs and wants change as we live, often we don't even know they are changing. There is not always a black and white answer, people are constantly changing and with change comes different desires and ambitions. What we love and can't live without one day may not be the same thing we love and can't live without the next. That does not mean that the emotions we express at the time are not real, I am sure when your ex said it she did love you very much and did want to spend the rest of her life with you at that point in time. None of us should ever take these types expressions literally. They mean what the person felt at the time but are no guarrantee that they will feel it forever. I know it does not help answer your question but I hope it may help explain why your ex cannot give you the answer you seek, she may not know it herself except for a vague feeling that the relationship was no longer what felt right to her.

I think there is a tendency when you still have strong feelings for someone to read into that persons actions meanings that aren't really there. In truth it is impossible from what you have described for an impartial observer to guess at what her motives were in writing the letter, it could be as you thought , she wanted to see what response u made. It could equally be it was just part of her closure process. Regardless, I think if you are feeling the way you are you should raise it with her as you may otherwise regret you didn't forever and that will suely poison your current relationship anyway.

But before opening that door I think you should seriously examine your feelings, are they as intense because your ex is "off limits" to you? Think back to when you were together, was the relationship so much better than your current relationship? Whatever you do, you must commit one way or the other, don't sit on the fence as I have done to my detriment, you will only damage both relationships as a result.

It is hard to make it work. I think you have to work out how great your differences are. If your personalities clash it probably won't work as no one can change their personality dramatically. If the issues are just things like lack of communication or differing interests I think it is possible to work things out but you have to make some ground rules, identify your commitments and set some signposts. It sounds very formal but if you don't do it, and both agree to do it you will invariably fall back into your old ways.

Hi,

My thoughts....how can the other take the blame on their own but the speaker takes the shame and they both share the cross? Seems a bit all over the place to me. I think you should re-arrange to pursue one logical theme, not try to cover all the cliches of love.

JMHO

PJ,

Everyone wants to see a marriage work, your family, friends, acquaintances and even the people you get advice from here. That is the way we are all conditioned. And you have a daughter that you love and would ideally be brought up by her mother and father. However as we all know it does not always work out that way, everyone has doubts at some time or another. No one here can tell you what your decision should be but we can help you with some thoughts about making the decision. The first thing I would say is acknowledge then question the doubts you are having. Are they real or are they a reaction to the sudden responsibility of being a father, which is scary to anyone. Once you have recociled your thoughts, speak to your wife. It may be a hard conversation and I am sure she will be upset but you may also be surprised at what she has to say. In any event don't keep it to yourself, in the longer term this will only make the situation get worse, not to mention that it is unfair on your partner, as Segagirl says, she has a right to know. You also sound like the last thing you want to do is hurt her. Unfortunately sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Whilst I hope you two can work it out, don't be afraid if you can't. You are doing no one any good, least of all your wife and daughter, by putting on a brave face and remaining in a relationship you are unhappy with. To be honest what you have described in your post sounds to me like not much more than the normal insecurities and doubts everyone feels in a relationship, magnified by the emotional event of becoming a father. But if when you really question your feelings you feel in your heart that the relationship is not right then it is best for all concerned to talk it out and get things resolved one way or the other. If done properly, and at your young age, there is no reason why you can't have a great relationship with your ex-wife and of course your daughter for the rest of your life. Don't be a martyr, things will only get worse if you take that road. Talk to your wife, don't be afraid to make it work, don't be afraid to separate. Either course is equally valid if you have devoted enough time your decision and discussed it openly with your partner.

Lanni,

I am male and it shames me to admit that 7 years ago I was in a similar situation to your married lover. Let me say that after I ended the affair I havenever looked at another woman except my wife. Anyway I thought my experience may help you. My guess is that this guy will never leave his wife unless she kicks him out. The affair he is having with you isfun and a lot more exciting to him than his relationship with his wife but a big part of that is the illicitness of the affair and the fact that he does not have to make any real commitment. Believe me when I say that your relationship with this guy would be very different if he left his wife. He wants the nice home and family thing but he also wants some excitement in his life.Trading her in for you just means that after a while he will go looking for the excitement elsewhere. I know you will probably think "but we are different!". If you were he would have left his wife by now. You must understand that that is actually a much bigger step for this guy, he would be crucified financially, ostracised by friends and family and maybe even work colleagues. No he likes things just as they are and if it all gets too messy for him he will cut you off, not his wife and family. This is what I was like and thankfully I have changed my whole outlook on life and rebuilt my relationship with my wonderful wife. My advice to you is to cut off all contact and forget about him. Solve the issues in your marriage, if you love your husband work it out, if you don't then do the right thing by him and leave him. Once you are on your own you can make more rationale decisions. If this other guy was ever going to leave his wife for you he will do it then as he will understand that when you are out on your own you are no longer a captive audience and you may just find someone else other than him.

Really what right do you have to demand she cuts ties with someone she still cares for? She lies to you because you have put her in an awkward situation. It seems obvious from what you have written that she enjoyed contact with her ex and from what you say it all seemed very harmless, why would that be a problem for you? I think your insecurities would have broken the relationship down anyway and really that is what you should be focussing on..how to deal with your feelings of jealousy. Ex's are usually just that...ex...many people have very good platonic relationships with their ex's and that is a perfectly natural and reasonable result. If someone told me not to see a friend I wouldn't bother lying about it, I would just leave that person immediately.

At the moment there is nothing you could write or say that would change her mind and you have to accept that. Probably the only thing you could achieve is to drive her further away. I think in this situation you have to remember she is very young (so are you!) and it is likely she wants to spread her wings and experience life. She is coming into an exciting time of her life...moving cities, meeting new people, having new experiences etc. She may whilst doing all this realise that you are the one she loves and you may get back together but she may also go the other way (more likely in my experiences) and you should prepare for that. I still think the best way for you to handle it is to move on in your own mind, if one day she comes back to you great (you may have fallen out of love with her anyway), if not you have put the pain of the break up behind you. Believe me, when someone says they need space they are giving you a serious message, they are not just saying "I need a couple of weeks or months on my own". The desire to stay friends is always strong and the breaker upper usually says this because they think it is the "kind" way to separate. Again in my experience, couples who break up need a period of time where they are not in contact and are not friends to allow both parties to get over it. This is what I think you should do now. Continuing to see her and trying to pretend that friendship is as good as the relationship was is only going to frustrate and play with your head more.

Nectarine,

definitely keep your feelings to yourself or talk to people who do not know her, she will not like chat from you coming back to her. In terms of your overall situation I would suggest you move on..she is way too young to be thinking about marriage, especially if she is unsure in the first place. I feel that even if she was to say yes, by the time she is 28-30 she will regret it. That is not because of you but simply because she will feel in herself that she did not experience all that she could have in her in between years of 20 -25. Sometimes unfortunately we meet the right person in the wrong time of life, I think that is what has happened here and I think that is what she is trying to tell you.

You are in an interesting situation, one that I have seen often. From what you describe you are both currently on different planes in your life. You seem sensible, successful for your age, have responsibilities and probably confident in your future in terms of career and your ability to get work etc. Your ex appears to be the opposite and I think that throughout your relationship what she was maybe trying to tell you was that you were forgng ahead of her in many of the areas she values. Often people in her situation will shy away from people or things that remind them of their insecurities and failings. One way to do this is to seek out others that that they feel superior to or at least equal to...people tend to find their own levels, I feel this may be what is happening with Alan, he reminds her of a time when she felt life was simpler. He is also an underachiever and she probably feels she does not have to "live up" to him (not that I am saying you have deliberately made her feel anything like that, it is just a natural human response to want to feel the equivalent of the people you choose to be close too).

Your ex obviously places high value on things like having a job and contributing to society and is low on self-esteem because of her current situation. Hanging around with Alan probably helps boost her self-esteem because she considers herself to be an equal or superior person. You have to hope that her values are strong enough to keep her striving for her goals. My guess is that when she achieves the things that boost her sel-esteem she will see Alan for what he is and be more confident in her status with you, I am sure that she does really love you from what you have written. Of course all this may take some time and you may drift apart in the meantime, I am not sure you can do much about that at the moment beyond just making sure she knows you are there if she needs you. definitely do not go down the path of begging her to come back and smothering her with contacts as this is sure to increase her anxiety about her relationship with you.

I have read many of the posts in this forum and most of them seem to revolve around two themes 1. "what does it mean when he/she asks for time and space?" and 2. Should I keep trying to get he/she back or leave them alone for a while. I think I am a bit older than many of the posters here (32) and have faced these issues a few times in my life now, as well as seen many friends go through the same type of scenario. Here is my view for what it is worth.

When someone says they would like a break or need some time and space they are absolutely saying they are in a different stage of the relationship than the partner who doesn't want the break. They are in one of two places, either they want to break up permanently or they are seriously thinking about it for whatever reasons (and there may be many of them). So how do you handle it? Well you don't handle it by begging, spying, checking up, professing undying love etc.etc. Remember they are emotionally in a different place to you and this sort of behaviour seems to almost always drive the other person further away. Then there is the other option of breaking off all contact and hoping they will miss you and remember why they loved you. Again in my experience this rarely works, mainly because the person doing this is usually doing it as a tactic and that is usually very transparent. Usually this person will spend the time apart living for the day they make contact again and usually they will make no secret about it,talking to their friends, to the other partys friends, spending way too much time feeling sorry for themselves. This sort of behaviour nearly always gets back to the partner who has requested the break.

I have twice recovered relationships that were at the stage where she had asked for a break. Both times I responded in the same way. We had our "let's have a break" discussion left on good terms and I went about my life. That means making the break mentally. Even to the point of telling yourself it is over for good and there is no point pursuing the past. Then you need to get busy, get out and have as much fun as you can in the situation, don't talk to everyone you see about getting back together, don't ask your friends of his/her friends if they have seen he/she, don't try to find out what they are doing. In short try to put all your energy into forgetting the person as hard as that might be and I know it is very hard. Doing this will do two things, it will help you get over things quicker if that is how it pans out and it will give you the best chance of allowing your partner to reconcile their own feelings. If the realtionship was over as soon as your partner said "lets have a break" it will most likely still be over and nothing you could have said or done was likely to change that anyway. If your partner was thinking about the possibility of ending the relationship permanently, your moving on with your life will give them the time and space to really explore their feelings for you and this is the only way that a relationship can get back together long term.

Wasting time and energy on all the different "tactics" you might employ just does not work and usually anything you do is seen as just that..a tactic. Remember he/she fell in love with who you are, not who you are trying to be. You need to show them who you are again and you can only do this by putting them behind you and trusting the future to what will be.