melrich

Of course they can but no contact has nothing to do with it. Never has, never will.

Excellent advice Michael2. Does that help t-Dog?

First I would say I agree with all teh other posters here, it is not easy for the dumper, maybe easier but they still have their own issues. But I think you start your post with teh wrong premise,

How do you think the dumper so easily lets go when they still love you?

It is very, very rare for someone to dump another they are still in love with. They may still have very deep affections for the dumped, but they are not in love with them. I think that is where a lot of dumped people get it wrong. They think their ex is still in love with them, "how could we be so in love and making plans for the future and have all those great times? Surely those feelings are still there." They are not, that's why people break up, their feelings, needs and wants change and will continue to do so throughout their lives. Under age 30 is the time of greatest change, it is also the time when most of us will have a number of short to medium term relationships. Because we are still finding out who we are and what we want. People don't always fall in love for ever, sometimes we fall in love for as little as a month. And people don't (as a rule) dump people they are in love with.

In so many ways girls are the same as guys (in some obvious ways they are not!). Try not to think of them as being a different species, they can also get nervous, be shy, lack self-esteem, worry about the impression they are giving, its just that some people hide it better than others. Try not to think of it as us and them, try to think of them as just another pal and that is what they will be. I think 95% of people your age feel the way you do, your symptoms are just a bit more obvious than some. You will get over it trust me. Just keep thinking to yourself they are just like me.

No you are not shallow and worthless. Physical attraction and sex are an extremely important part of any relationship, if they were not we'd all just marry our best friends (as you seem to have done). I think you know the answer yourself, that is your marriage has no hope of working given the way you feel and it does not sound like things will change, probably only get worse. My advice is you should do the right thing by both of you and that is end the marriage. If you don't I suspect you will both become very unhappy and resentful of each other. No doubt your partner, who sounds like a great guy, will be hurt. But teh hurt will be short term compared to the long term damage that may occur if you continue the way you are going. Accept he will be hurt, accept you will feel guilty but I think you know in your heart that things will not work and you have to be true to that. Do things properly, communicate your thoughts honestly, be strong, be empathetic with him (I am sure in his heart also he knows that things are not sustainable, he sounds like a smart guy). My bet is that you will find that the two of you will be great friends again, without the complications of an intimate relationship.

Look, I can only go on what you have written but it sounds a lot like 50 othe bf/gf break ups I have seen. "she loved me, surley this is a mistake and she will see sense when I explain it to her". The reality is, as much as you do not want to hear it, I think she probably just wants you to fade away right now. She is probably feeling a little guilty and you remind her of that, she is not in love with you and you are with her and that is uncomfortable for her. When you hassle her and try to talk to her she is not listening, she is just thinking how can I get away from this guy, this is just getting worse and worse. In time she won't feel like that and you could end up really good friends but I just think now you should move on and leave her alone, that in my opinion is the best thing you can do. And finally, Mix, I can't give you any advice on what you might possibly say to her because words are just that, they only have meaning for the listener and the listener never hears the same meaning of words as the spaeker says them...if that makes sense.

Hi Mix,

No one says it's a good idea because its not. To be brutal about it, what business is it of yours how she runs her life? I say it seems like she has moved on because you write that she has new b/f, is happy and does not seem interested in you anymore. Maybe she does all the things you say and maybe she needs someone to pull her into line one day and maybe you would feel better about telling her all the things she has done and is doing wrong but frankly you are not the right messenger now. Maybe you will be in the future, who knows. This is one of those situations I think where you are hanging on to every last bit of hope and that is clouding your judgement. This si one of those things where right now you think this is my last hope and it is a good idea. But it is also one of these things that as soon as you do it, and get the reaction I think you will get, you will think "Why the hell did I do that?"

Hi Maxmaster,

It sounds to me like you should just leave her alone. I think she has well and truly moved on and that you really should now too. Let her get on with her life and you get on with yours. You may not approve of the way she conducts herself and the way that she acts towards people she loves (eg parents) but really, so what. I think any attempt by yourself to continue to pursue this girl will just makes things worse for yourself and just make her even k=more distant than she is already. Seriously i'd just forget it.

Yes you do need time and yes she should understand. By launching straight into another relationship you only risk ruining it by not taking time to grieve for the old one. Keep seeing your new friend but let her know you still have some closure issues and need to take things really slowly. I'd suggest that you try and restrict the amount of time you see the new girl by joint consent, I don't know, say like once or twice a week. Otherwise you can find yourself seeing her all the time, being like bf/gf but without the full on intimacy. That can present its own problems. If the new girl is really interested in you she will understand and it will make your ultimate relationship stronger for the effort.

Hi landclark,

You don't say whether he has children or not but if he does they would just magnify the advice I am going to give you. Usually love is only part of the reason we make "life" decisions. I am sure this guy does love you and I am sure also that he has feelings for his wife (maybe not the same type of feelings). When making the type of decision this guy has to make, the heart will rule up until the "moment of truth". What I am trying to say is that his heart is telling him to leave his wife and he has run with that right up to the point of being on the verge of finalising that. But at that point, practicalities can take over. There is huge financial loss in divorce, it can destabilise extended families (mums, dads, brothers etc etc), it can destroy social circles. My guess is that your guy has run with his heart and then at the last moment check his emotions against the cold light of day and gotten cold feet. He'll have much preferred the old arrangement of stable life at home and the illicit excitement of his relationship with you. If he has gotten as far as he did and pulled out I think you have to face the fact that he has made his final choice.

It is difficult to give advice specific to your situation here because by necessity the details are thin. Reading between the lines I am guessing you g/f wants to breakup but she is trying to make it easy on herself by easing the bandaid off rather than ripping. Simple fact is that people who are in love do not want to take a break from the peron they are in love with. She is feeling unfulfilled, that certainly doesn't mean that you won't get back together, just that now is not right for her. However it is unfair of her to pressure you into staying in contact. If you feel it is easier to stop contact for a while to help you get over things then that is what you should do. Your ex has to accept and respect your decision, she is after all the one who initiated the break. Just communicate truthfully to her your reasons for wanting to stop contact for a while. I am sure she would understand.

These figures are not high to describe the situation you are talking about, couples who break up and then re-unite 5 years later or more. I would suggest that of these 1000 couples, there may have been as few as 20 or so that would fall into this category and you have had plenty of time to think things through clearly after 5 years.

In my previous post I said "most were likely to be 7 year plus". This was incorrect. I should have said many would have been 7 year plus relationships. Really what I am assuming is that a study a accross marraige break downs the average age of the relationship is likely to be much longer than is the case for relationships we have when we are younger. Just a correction.

Great post Densil. My observation is that many people just want to get back with their ex simply because they can no longer be with them, it is like the attraction of forbidden fruit. If they honsestly asked themselves the questions you have described and could put behind them the feelings of injustice about being dumped, most would realise that breaking up is probably the right decision.

When we are dumped we tend to idealise the person who dumped us and the relationship we had with them, we focus on all the good things. That is human nature. In reality, the relationship obviously wasn't great (hence the break up) and our ex wasnt the most perfect person in the world (everyone has good points and bad points). And ultimately as you rightly say, you will find someone else you will be happy again and most likely in a few years time your ex will just be a fond memory.

raider5, this may help you. Bear in mind that these numbers are based on Australian MARRIED couples. The family law court here released a study two years ago, according to their numbers the following applied. 43% of all marriages have at least one "trial" seperation. Of those 88% had more than one and of those 92% had more than two or stayed separated. thereforeeee where there was a "trial" seperation (their term) 12% got back together permanently but 88% had some sort of attempt at reconciliation. As I said, keep in mind these are marriages and most were likely to be 7 year plus relationships (7 years is the average here for failed marriages). I would expect the numbers to be quite different if there was any empirical data around younger, less formal relationships. The divorce rate in Australia is 30%.

I don't know what the percentage would be, I think it would be 15% or less but the more pertinent question is how many couples who get back together actually stay together and I think that percentage would be less than 5%. Many couples who break up will have a go at trying to get together again (how often do you here that this is the 2nd or 3rd break up for a couple) but in my long experience I don't know many that have broken up and then got back together and lived happily ever after. It just does not seem to happen, the reasons for the break up in the first place are usually deep seated and to do with personality in one way or another and it is almost impossible to permanently modify your personality to meet another person's expectations. The only exception I think I would make to this observation is in cases where the couple have been together for 10 plus years. In these cases I have seen break ups but they end up getting back together and make the necessary compromise with each other because they have become so much a part of each others identities.

Hi Drifter, Your post is spot on. The No Contact rule is to help you help yourself, that is to get over what is hurting you and possibly to stop yourself from saying and doing things you would later regret. Too many people here have corrupted its purpose and think it is a tactic to get someone back. Its not and you are dead right when you say all situations are different and each must be handled on its merits. The advice given in this forum is great and helps a lot but it shouldn't be taken as gospel. Ultimately the individuals involved must respond in the way that helps them get through the crisis they are facing the best way possible. In my case that has meant sometimes having no contact and sometimes having constant contact. It depends on how you feel it is best to handle it for your partuicular situation, taking into account the depth of your feelings, your desperation levels and what you find easiest to help you cope. very good post. well done.

on't ever give her this letter, it is cathartic for you but she will not read it in the same way, it will seem desperate and manipulative to her. My advice to you would be to take a break somewhere, I don't know if you are in a position to get away for a holiday or not but something like that would be a start. You need to give yourself some space from all this and I'm guessing hanging around your place with all her stuff around you is not helping. It sounds from your letters that you have a pretty good idea why she left you. So now you have to respect her decision and live with the consequences of your behaviours. Think of it this way (I know its hard) but better just you is miserable than your ex and your daughter. Looking to the future you need to work out the best way for you to build a platonic relationship with your ex, for the sake of your daughter. And finally, I know it sounds trite but believe me (my ex wife left me after 9 years) it gets easier and time does heal. Give yourself some space, be selfish and do some stuff you want to do.

I am not sure what you mean by undignified past. If you mean she has a criminal record and has shown the potential in the past to hurt or maim others then I think you have every right to be concerned and you really need to discuss and talk through your issues with her before you will be able to take the next steps. If you mean her background is simply different to yours and maybe it does not live up to your own morals and values then I don't think you are ready for a relationship with her or probably anyone at this stage. In that case you need to sort out your own issues and make a judgement about whether you have the ability to change or not.

Maybe you have answered your own question. If he has been through a painful divorce he may be very scared of getting into another major commitment. You seem to be determined to get into a major commitment with him. If I was feeling like he is and I started getting all these letters telling me how much you were in love with me and all the reasons why our relationship will not go wrong I think I'd bcak off too. Maybe you two just have different views on where your relationship should be at at the moment.

I have read some other posts from you about this relationship break up. I think you are right to be worried about contacting him, everytime you have posted you have sounded desperate and willing to try anything, I don't think that is a very healthy way for you to approach things and I don't think your ex is helping matters by contacting you with messages like that, I assume he knows how you feel and how "hard" you are doing it. My advice wiould be contact him and ask him straight up what his intentions are. If he does not feel the same as you, ask hin to stop calling you, it is just extending the agony for yourself and from the tone of your posts I can only see things getting messy from that point.

People move on. The lets be friends line is a standard, it is often meant to soften the blow. In truth after a break up it is almost always necessary to have a break from each other. You may be friends in the future but maybe your ex is not ready yet, maybe they never will be, we do not stay in touch with everyone we have been friends with for life, friends, like lovers, come and go as we grow and mature, only a core handful will be with you forever.

Ask yourself honestly what your motives are. If you just feel nostalgic as you say and you feel you are not going to be hurt by making contact, go for it. Don't worry about who has power and all that rubbish, I can assure, people involved in a break up on either side do not think in those terms, that is just macho crap. Do you really think she will be sitting there when you contact her thinking, "i've still got the power". Contact her if you want and you feel you are ready. Some of your best friendships will eventually be with exes, I know mine are.

Did you mean for it to be ironic? I mean in the way that the poem is all about how someone hurt you but you have gotten through it, yet at the same time reading the poem the writer sounds very bitter and far from over things? If this was not your intention it is just too long and too full of bile (to use your words). if this was the intention it is a clever twist but your over use of juxtopositioning words needs some work. Keep it up.

Hi EmptySoul..don't stress about it, I know many people who have lived like this forever...life doesn't have to always imitate art, some people don't want the fairytale...do what you like but don't do it only because you are scared of the alternative...do it because it is you.