melrich

Kate111,

How could a 30 year old believe this?

it's faint in the window

but I can see

clearly the person

there is me

no body weight

I am see-through

could this be

someone else's view

could they look at me

and see

just a reflection

not really me?

Neither of you are ready for marriage. You need to sort out a lot of issues...trust, honesty, jealousy issues, your common desires and goals. You really both sound like you are not yet mature enough to get married...things like lying about money and creating an issue about VD cards are teenage stuff. Have a deep think about where you guys are and whether or not you should make the rather large commitment of getting married.

Six years is a fairly long time and from what you have written I don't believe your relationship is just going to go away. First I think u=you have to put things into perspective...the next 6 weeks are potentially pivotal in terms of the rest of your life..my first thought would be to prioritise..easy said...don't waste energy on the relationship issue...bury yourself in what you need to do in the next 6 weeks and plan to address the issues with your GF once that is over, you need to be selfish right now.

Once you have gotten over that you will be in a better frame to tackle the relationship thing...it does sound like weird behaviour...you sure you didn't kick her mother or run over her pet dog? If the reasons she has given you are true get out of there ASAP. To do this to you when you are coming up to such an important event in your life, not to mention potentially her life, is selfish in the extreme. Blank it out now..get back to it later...your turn to be selfish.

No that is not correct. Empirical evidence tells us that far and away the major cause of relationship break ups are as a result of the two individuals growing apart and no longer sharing common interests or goals. A surprisingly low percentage of relationship break ups are as a result of infidelity/abuse issues.

I agree that if they have done someting to betray your trust or not in line with your values then they may be a person you simply don't want to have anything to do with. But simply breaking up is not in that category. People change and love is not always forever. Simply breaking up is just a relationship cycle we all go through a number of times in our lives. There is no right or wrong...unless as you say the reason is a betrayal of trust e.g infidelity etc.

This is not very good advice. First (in the vast majority of cases) people do not dump you because they want to hurt you or punish you. They do so because they no longer feel they want a relationship and a relationship will not work when one person does not want it. So feeling bitter about being dumped, whilst understandable is not a very positive way to go about getting over it.

Second, all situations are different. No contact works if you are having difficulty coping with contact (begging, pleading, being obsessive, stalking) otherwise if you can handle contact, go ahead, you may find you have a really good friend.

Third, no contact is very transparent. That is, do you think the the person who was dumped is the only one who knows about no contact? No the dumper knows too. Avoiding your ex, not returning calls etc etc. just tells the ex that you are using it as a coping function and most will hopefully respect that. Generally they will not read into it that you have forgotten about them.

Fourth, it is not weak to make contact. It is human and it is a natural thing to do, can you imagine a world where all the exes simply did not communicate again...lol...half the world would not be talking to the other half.

Try not to turn your relationship with your ex into a "who will break first contest". The only loser will be you. And yes in most cases your ex will have moved on.

I suppose that if the reason he broke up with you was because he no longer found you physically attractive the change may have some affect. However it would have to have been a fairly shallow relationship in the first place if this was the case. Really if the changes you have worked to achieve suddenly made him want to be with you again I think you should run a million miles the other way. That is just the sort of guy who ends up trading in his middle aged wife for a newer younger model. Typically I don't think most people are that shallow.

I think you are doing the right thing by giving her space. You should continue to support her desire to "be young" because at the age of 20 she shold be able to "be young". Unfortunately I think many couples meet at the wrong time, that is when they are too young to be really comfortable about a lifetime commitment. I think everyone need to have that time in their life (ages 18 - 25) where they are able to enjoy doing their own thing, find out who they are, not be too encompassed by serious commitments. In my experience, many of those that go into serious commitments in this age bracket and marry young, at some stage in their life regret the fact that they did not get out and experience more a life on their own when they had the chance. Give her the space, if you are supportive of her through this time there is a much better chance she will want to be with you permanently when she is ready to totally commit.

Raquel, u said in your opening post that you are the girl his mom and sisters want him to marry? Often guys will hook up with girls they think they should hook up with (same for girls probably) that is the person they think everyone else will approve of..friends, family etc. This happens time and time again and is a major reason so many marriages fail. We date/marry people that we think we should, often not the people we want to. I am guessing a bit here but I feel as though this guy may think of you as more of a sister than a girlfriend. I am sure he does really like you a lot but it does not sound like he wants an intimate relationship with you. You have become a comfortable option for him, he feels he can confide in you, his relationship with you keeps his family happy and probably off his back and in the meantime he can pursue potential partners that he is interested in. Break it off with him but keep him as a friend. I don't think he has really done so much wrong, at your ages you are allowed to make mistakes.

As tough as it sounds I am not sure that you can do anything. If she won't take the issue to the police or the courts I don't see what else, within the law, could be done. It sounds like there would be no point in confronting this guy from what you say. And on that note, I do not think it would be wise for you to get directly involved. That sort of confrontation can be like a red rag to a bull for people like this...it becomes their excuse to take the obsession to the next level. I actually think from what you describe that your friend is playing it quite smart. She seems to be going out of her way not to aggravate him and keep him on side whilst at the same time planning her "break". She is probably seeing her move as the light at the end of the tunnel and is just keeping things steady until then.

Usually the partner that dumps the relationship will feel pretty guilty about doing so. She may not show much emotion about the whole thing but you can be sure that she is working to bottle it up. One way she will do this is to remove you from her life...out of sight out of mind. Seeing you, talking to you reminds her of her guilty feelings, it is easier for her to just stay away. If you have broken up after three years my advice is you both need some time apart, the feelings you would both have about the whole relationship will be too raw for you to start to establish a platonic friendship right now. I'd leave it for 12 months or so, allow both of you to let go of the residual issues you have with your relationship break up. I am sure you will then be able to have a great friendship with your ex.

Hi Stranger,

It is great that you are out there doing things and I agree with the other posters here...don't focus energy on your ex, concentrate on healing yourself. One of the ways we tend to try and cope in a situation like you are in is to "get busy". The problem with this is that it often leaves you wandering aimlessly from one activity to the next. What I think may help you is to set yourself some challenges. I'll give you an example. When I was going through a similar time as you are, I decided I would participate in an annual marathon ocean swim, it was about 4 miles long and I had never done much swimming. So for 5 months I had this goal..to complete the swim. It gave me something to focus on and it gave some purpose to my activities. It also allowed me to set lots of short term goals within the main one. Of course the challenge does not have to be physical but whatever it is it should not be easy. Ideally it should also take you out of your comfort zone. It should give you some focus and be something you'd be proud to do and give you a real sense of achievement when you complete it. Also if you decide to do something like this make sure you choose something that you have some interest in otherwise you will get bored and give it up. And finally make sure there is an end, something you have to complete. By this I mean make it a formal goal, not just a personal challenge. The best way to formalise it is to enter an organised event or enrol in a course of study, etc.

The other thing that I have seen help people during down times is to go out and help others. I don't know what you have in the US but I am sure there are a lot of community charity services that could use your assistance and time. This sort of work makes you feel great about yourself and generally you are dealing with people that put your own problems into perspective.

Good Luck

T-dog, you are wrong. If you stay it will destroy you AND HIM. It is a cliche but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You have expressed all your feelings and concerns, you have given him the chance to accept these, now you need to make your decision and go ahead with it. Someone is always hurt in a break up but hat does not mean the break up should not have happened.

If he did not ejaculate inside you there is virtually no chance you are pregnant. Was he on the verge of ejaculating? If so maybe there was some pre-ejaculate which is very low in sperm count and the odds are greatly in your favour that you would not get pregnant. You should ask him if he fely he ejaculated at all whilst inside you, but if it was only penetration for a matter of seconds this is unlikely. Did he ejaculate after withdrawal? You can never be sure but from what you have said it would seem highly unlikely.

From what you say I think "prompting" is the last thing you should be doing. If I were you I would leave things as they are. You are probably over the worst part of your break up and you sound as though you are handling things reasonably well. You should continue to try to get over her and leave things to fate. If there is a chance for you to get back together I think the best response would be to let her make the first move even though there is a chance she may never make it.

You should report it to the police.

Hi Kaizer, that is not right. Bad breathe comes from one of four things, tooth decay, old food lodged in your teeth, diet or incorrectly functioning osophogeous. Your tongue has nothing to do with it at all, it is simply a muscle and as such has no odor (unless you cut it open and you will smell the blood). The saliva that is over the tongue is another matter. But your saliva will omit a bad odor generally due to teeth decay, food lodged in mouth or diet. So fix any of those and your tongue will be ok. No use rushing your tongue cos as soon as you close your mouth again it wil be re-covered in saliva and unless you need to fix the problem with your saliva.

Brushing your tongue won't help. If your dentist thinks its no big deal it probably isn't. I'd go with trying to cut back on eating meat and eating fresh herbs when you can. Otherwise just dothe normal hygiene things, flossing and brushing.

BTW, my dentist told me that electric brushes do a 10 times better job than hand brushing. Maybe try buying one (don't get a cheapy) and see if that doesn't help as well.

Are you sure you have bad breathe? Flossing is usually the best way to prevent but if that is not helping it may be diet is the problem. Do you eat a lot of meat? Try changing diet to include more fruit and vegetables. Also eating raw parsley helps. If none of that works it may be you have a medical condition that causes halitosis and you would need to consult your doctor.

I agree with Kate111. Best response is to get on with living your life, and stay friendly and in occasional contact as friends would be.

Hi beancounter,

Glad to hear you are on the up slope. Your post is a great example of what no contact is about...healing yourself, removing pain, getting back to normal. I hope it all works out for you.

Hi Jerseygirl,

No contact is not about getting your ex back. It is about giving yourself space to get over your ex. I know lots of posters in here think its a great way to get your ex to miss you (that may happen occasionally) but really it is so transparent, any ex is going to see through it. The fact that you avoid your ex and make no contact, don't return calls, don't speak to them simply tells your ex that he/she is still affecting you. No contact is about healing yourself, not getting someone back. I know it is really hard but just try to be like your old self, be nice to your ex when you see him, ask general questions, most of all try to give the impression that you are just getting on with your life (even if you are not). Believe me exes will only start to question their decision to dump someone when they feel the person they have dumped has moved on and is no longer interested. All no contact does is re-affirm in their mind that they still have an impact on you. Unfortunately there are no easy answers. Best of luck.

I think this advice is right that the best chance of you getting back together is by remaining friends. However remaining friends is not an indication that you will get back together, it just gives you the best chance. I would also say that if your motivation for remaining friends is that you will get back together I think you will find it difficult. Better to remain friends because you just want to be friends (not as a tactic to get back together) and see what happens from there.

Hi Bostonchiiiica,

I understand what you are saying about knowing in your heart that they still love you. But I would say this to you, a dumpee is the worst person to make this judgement, they are to emotionally attached and so finely tuned to their exes every move that they cannot be objective. I have seen people on this forum say things like "my ex rang me the other day to see how the dog/cat is doing. Does that mean there is still a chance for us?"

I'd suggest you ask someone who knows both of you well whether they think he is still in love with you. He may be.