advise_me3

An aquantance is putting together an event on shoe string budget. Her parents asked it I could help out with some design work to cut costs. I agreed and bascially gave them $1500-2000 worth of design work for FREE. I didn't expect my aquantance to jump up and down singing my praises, but I did expect to at least get some feedback on the design and a "thank you." I haven't heard anything from them since I dropped off the design and can't help but feel used and unappreciated. Its as if I served my purpose so there no need to to talk to me anymore. What should I do? Should I tell them that I feel like a fool because I did all this work for someone who obviously couldn't care less about me? or just chalk it up to experience? They really let me down. The only reason I agreed to do all this is because I thought we were friends. I thought they'd genuinely appreciate my help. Now I feel like a jerk, like I'm good enough to do their grunt work, but not worth their time unless I'm doing something for them. What should I say/do?

Wow sounds like an uncomfortable situation. I hope someone will be able to offer some better advice, but here's my 2 cents... From what you've described, it sounds like this girl wants to have her cake and eat it too. Seems she wants to keep you around as a bf, but also wants to experience other guys. I don't like that she had sex with someone else just 2 weeks into your "break." Personally, I think that's disrespectful to you and your near 2 yr relationship, but I don't know the whole story and don't want to judge. I think that you should have an honest discussion with her about the status of your relationship. Doesn't sound like you've even established whether your "on a break," broken up, back together or what. Talk to her about where you stand and where she sees the relationship going.

Hmmm I don't think I'd feel comfortable showing her this topic, but I guess I could put the gist of what I posted into a card or email. Do you guys think email is too impersonal for this type of thing? I guess a card would probably better, but I don't know.

So everyone has their little insecurities, but what do you do when you realize a friend is insecure? Should you say or do something to try to reassure them or do you just leave it alone? I have this friend. She's fabulous. Beautiful, fun, smart, motivated, kind...she's really got it all going for her. I used to think that she said things to downplay her successes and good qualities because she was humble, but now I'm not so sure. She's very self critical and some of the things she says makes me think that she really doesn't know how awesome she is. What should I do? Would it be helpful to give her a card or something? If I were feeling insecure about myself, I doubt there's anything that anyone could say or do that would make me feel entirely better. I want my friend to feel good about herself, but I guess I just don't know how to help her.

I can relate to how you're feeling on a very personal level. I was in the same position once. I hated myself and the direction I thought my life was going, but as much as I hated me, as much I hated life and as much I hated the thought of continuing to endure life the way that I was, I still loved my parents. I loved my family and friends and knew how much losing me would hurt them. For a long time, the only thing that kept me alive was my inability to devise a plan that brought an end to my life without hurting the people I loved in the process. I know that's probably strange for some people to read, but that's the honest truth. I know you think that no one could possibly understand the way you're feeling and that things are never going to get better. I want you to know that this is a common problem and that there are people who really do understand how you feel and can help you to change it. Things can get better and they WILL get better if you go get help. Talk to a relative, older friend or teacher and tell them how you're feeling. Go and see a doctor. For me the problem was bio-chemical. I took a pill for about a yr. After only 2 months on it, I had a entirely new outlook on life and was shocked at how close I came to suicide. Life is meant to be enjoyed NOT endured. Go get the help you need and get back to enjoying it.

Oh and about the whole tent situation... From the circumstances you described, it sounds like it was innocent, but I can understand why you'd feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want my bf sharing a tent with another girl, especially if I had questions about whether their friendship was completely platonic. Talk to him and let him know that you're uneasy with his being in such close quarters with another girl. It shouldn't come up again, but if it does (after you've talked about it) then he isn't respecting you, your feelings or your relationship.

I think the situation really depends on the people involved. Do you know this other girl? Have you had much interaction with her or spent enough time with the two of them to gauge whether her intentions are friendship or more? If not, you might very well be misinterpreting what's actually happening because of jealousy or your fear of what could potentially happen. I found myself on the other end of this type triad in college. One of my closest friends at school was a guy and his gf had a real problem with our being so close. Even though I had a bf of my own, she was absolutely convinced that there was something between us. Truth be known, he and I were just great friends. There was never any intent to move the relationship beyond friendship. After she took the time to get to know me and hang out with us more, she realized that there wasn't a hidden agenda. He and I were friends, and neither of us wanted to be anything more than friends. She ultimately apologized for the way she handled the situation. After she and I had forged a friendship, she confided in me that she was uncomfortable because she was insecure about her relationship and the fact that her boyfriend wanted to spend time with another girl (even if it was platonic) was threatening. If they aren’t flirty or doing anything to further your suspicions/concerns, they might just be friends.

I still don't know what to do or how to get over this. I hope this thread hasn't depicted me as some sort of groupie, or desperate for friends, insecure person because I'm none of these. I'm actually surprised this situation is bothering as much as it is. It has been consuming my thinking. I've realized that it ISN'T because I so desperately want to be involved with these people. It's because they're mixed signals make me question myself. If I consider it a pleasure to know them, but if they don't think the same of me...what does that say about ME? The ambiguity is driving me crazy. I'm invited to private parties and family functions, told I'm welcome anytime, trusted with personal info and "behind the scenes" type gossip, given the latest phone numbers blah blah blah. Then I don't hear from them for 3 months or I get 2 sentence emails. I'll work with them on a project and then lose touch again. Things like that make me wonder if they're being genuine or if I'm being contacted on an "as needed basis." They're constantly saying stuff like "we're just normal people." In a private setting, they are just as normal as anyone else, but lets be real...they aren't the average family because of what my "friend" does for a living. Things that I'd normally do without a thought, like send a birthday card or whatever, I'm afraid to do for fear I'd come off as trying too hard or as some sort of groupie or obsessed fan. I wish I could sit this person down and tell him/her how I'm feeling and ask what's up? Mmackenna is right, though, I'll get a canned polite response. I'm tired of feeling insecure about this situation. I understand schedule and travel make it tough to stay in touch, but I need to know if this is a friendship or a business arrangement. If I didn't genuinely like the person so much, I'd blow him off or be indifferent about our interaction, but I do what these people to be a part of my life. What should I do?

Thanks to everyone for their advice/thoughts: Cookies – Glad you can relate to my situation. I hope they think of me as more than a "groupie." I've known these people for a while and frankly speaking the whole "star struck" thing wore off a looong time ago. My interest in them has nothing to do with fame or notoriety. They're really just the nicest people and fun to be around...that's why I want to know them better. As for blowing up the cell – I'd never do that. I typically let them initiated our phone conversations. For the most part, I only call when I'm returning their calls. I'd feel funny calling out of the blue. Segagirl – I couldn't agree with you more..."friendship should flow." Well said. Mmackenna – Thanks for your kind words, but I don't feel lucky at all. The situation is actually making me feel kind of insecure, which is NOT like me at all. Yes we have exchanged personal details and I'm privy to information that isn’t meant to be publicized because I've gained some level of trust. Still our “friendship” is so ambiguous. I can't tell if it's my own insecurities or some hang up I have with them or if I'm correctly interpretting signals that they're sending about what my place should be.

This is part of the problem. I can't tell what role they want me to take. I'm often introduced as a "friend," have spent time with the family in non-working situations, been given home phone numbers and the like. Still something's making me uneasy about my status and whether they really want to be in personal contact with me. Maybe it's insecurity, but I wonder if I'm a "friend" or someone they keep around for business purposes. If we just have a working relationship thats fine. I'm happy to help out in anyway way that I can, but the amount of my "help" really depends on our relationship. I'll do anything for a friend, but I don't want to invest too much time in helping them if the friendship isn't reciprocal. I don't want to feel taken advantage of if they aren't genuinely interested in knowing me.

I need some advise about a different friendship. I've gotten to know a public figure. This person isn't exactly an A list celebrity but definitely known. (I don't want to give too much detail about the his/her identity on the board and hope you'll understand) I don't consider this person a "close personal friend," since I only see him/her 3-4 times a yr. I would like to think of us as friends though, or at least good aquantances. I've attended a few of his/her family functions, know the relatives and am in frequent contact with the family, been given backstage passes to shows and all that. The problem: I can't tell if I'm thought of as a colleague or a friend. It's making me really uncomfortable because I'd like to get to know the person better. It's weird because of his public status. Things I'd normally do without a thought (like call to say hi or send an email to see what's new) I'm hesitant to do in this situation because I don't know if I'm invading privacies that I know are VERY important to the family. Would it inappropriate to ask where I stand? Would that make me look stupid or make my "friend" uncomfortable. If it's ok to ask, how do to broach the subject? how do you phrase it to get an honest answer? (and not just a polite response)? HELP