jordan1234

Well, my bnest friend is married to a girl with which they broke up at least 7-8 times over the corse of 8 years. they just went through a lot of different things in their lives. I had dinner with them the other day and she said if he had just ignored her every time she had called then she probably would have moved on. Now i know this is not a constant and its totally needed to NC in many cases, but my point is that in some cases (due to the ex's personality/reason for break up), at least taking their calls is the best way to get over the enbd of the relationship and see if there is a possbiel reconciliation.

i guess thats my point, it seems to be a pretty universal answer, and i think there are times when facing a contacting ex is the best way to handle yourself...

This is in no ways meant to be argumentative, but is more meant to be a discussion. It is almost universal that when someone is going through a tough break up that the advice is going NC immediately. The logic is sound in many cases. Its very idfficult to get over a person and limiting them from your life is a great way to do this. In extreme case when people feel "crazy", i think that its important if not a definate. I do think however that we sometimes miss the point. Its hard to talk to exx. you can feel weak and desperate. But, i think ignoring a person that you have gone through so much with is odd if not unfair. they usually did nothing wrong. they simply do not want to be with you in a relationship anymore. Why ignore them. I feel its much stronger and healthier to take their calls and texes. Respond. Tell them you understand. Hiding from them i think causes more confusion in some cases. I'm not saying I think you should become friends with your ex, but if they call to check up, whats the harm in talking? Think of how empowering that will be to talk to your ex, have a conversation, and say goodbye. It will be hard at first. But just as hard as never speaking in many cases. Its like a drug addiction. One successful treatment is to prepare the drug; about to use; and then put it down and walk out of the room. at first it is almost impossibley hard, but it gets easier over time, and eventually you can mentally and chemically handle it. I say this because i think that games are the wrong thing to do with someone you cae. Forcing yourself to ignore an ex when you want to talk to them is denying yourself your true will. this is supposedly an important person to you, and your ignoring them. they did nothing wrong. this is just my two cents. Ive been thinking abou this recently as my ex called and i just didnt pick up when we were broken up. I felt stupid. It wasn't me. I face things in my life. Shes an important person to me regardless of if we are together. I cannot be a friend, but why act falsely indifferent. this is more my personal preference and I was wondering i guess if anyone fel tthe same way. One thing i am struck with is how different everyones stories are, and how different everyones personailty is. I know friends that have broken up 6 times and are now married. Almost every friend i have has had a break up and reconcile. they dont all work for sure, but we are all different. i guess im saying that i think in many ways, doing what feels right is the most imporatn thing to do.... comments?

I think that is the perfect mindset to be honest. My ex and I are somewhat on again off again, and i think the thing i realise is that not all people are the same. Some people need more space than others. Some people are more unsure about things than others. I think my ex needs time to make huge decisions. she is not "by the seat of her pants". moveing on and living your life is what you should do. She mightn not come back, but theres nothing wrong with hoping she gets back if you are strong enough to do both. Thats not a criticism to a lot of posters here, but many say you should just forget about ever getting back with the person. I think if you can handle it, then why not think of reconciliation. all relaitonshisp are different and all situations are different. I know a ton of peope that break up and get back and get married (at least 3 or 4 couples). It happens....its not the majority of time i think, but it happens enough to keep hope. I would move on; leave her alone; but keep that thought one day.....who knows it might go away....

Hey Rosie, Yeah i'm actually doing fine. something in your post really caught my attention in that the guy that felt more moved on quickly. I have a tendency to do this as well. i do think a big part of the issues with my ex was that i did maybe try to fit her into my expectations of a girlfriend and less and relationship with her. with that i a really goning to chill on stuff. N calling the ex, no trying to pukll girls all the time. Im going to justbe fro a bit and enjoy the things i love. Also, another question is that did it ever feel totally right with the guy that felt less? I ask that because one thing that is categorically true with my ex and I is that for a god long time we both had very strong feelings, and we both had them go away a little bit in december. For me this always happens with women (an issue i am constantly working on), but for her i think she weighted it differently. I think she freaked again. Its hard to say, but is just another possible answer. I still think about her often and i still, in many ways, am trying to figure out whathappened. This was very sudden, and still seems odd. In my past when i was losing interest in a girl i became reclusive and that was certainly not the case with her. I think she thinks too much. In this day and age it is so difficult ot meet someone you "click" with that i thinkit keeps both of us holding on in some ways since we certainly have that. i have no idea if my ex will return. Her pattern would suggest she will at some poitn but it could be the end of the cycle. She could be done no matter how hard it is. She has trouble trusting men, and is VERY picky so i wonder if this is really the end, but as i said i am fine with moving on and just being for a bit. It is stil hard and i do miss her terribley though. I too, cannot understand why something so right can not be dersieable for her. I think the only thing i can do is give her time to reflect on life with me and without (or even with others), and see if what she feels is really a hole with us, or a hole in general. Would she be as happy with someone else? Maybe she is incapable of never feeling a hole (like me) for periods? These are things she needs to figure out. I know i love her and could see a futrue with her. Another thing i wanted to ask is if i fought enough. I told her how i felt and gave her space but i wonder if i coudlnt have done more? you know? I think it needs to come from her and she knows how i feel, but i wonder if she thinks that i am giving up too quickly....on the other hand this is all coming from her and she knows i wanted to make it work..... One thing I often say and want to say to a lot of posters here is that relationships are not movie scrips. They all are different. Even if this is not traditional, it is what it is. This could be the steps that will bring us together or keep us apart. But im not going to let stubborness or pride guide me. If she wants to work, ill look into it and see how i feel. If i never hear from her again then i will move on and realize that she was an amazing part of my life. Ill get through no matter, but its up to her now i think.......i look back and see how i could have been more understanding. i certainly took her for granted during our "rut" and could have done more. But i think she knwos i love her and wanted to work on issues, so i think i just need to move on and see what the future brings. either her back or a new life....

i definitely miss her. Since we have been in this place bfefore and have had such a connection through the years i guess i feel that this will pass as well and we will get back. Maybe that is partof my calmness. but i also feel that i will be ok if things do not work out. the day to day is ok, but there are times its hard. the thing is that there is nothing i can do at this point. I think i have fouht as much as i can and its up to her, so that gives me some peace as i know there is nothing i can do. i love her and think in many ways she is the one. she said a few months ago how its felt as though we have known each other for our entire lives. I guess its that connection that makes me miss her. I'll move on, and see where things go. she has a lot of things to think out and i still think shes unsure about a lot. time is the only thing that will tell. one question - it seems that you and both of these guys were on and off. how many times were there back and forths with each of them? and you really are the best for this rosie...

No i agree rosie, i think that this needs to be nipped in the bud. In th past she misses me; we hang out again; and her feelings come back.....then over time she becomes unsure. But she needs to really miss me in the sense that she needs to really see life without me (no phone conversations, no meeting up), until she knows she needs to move on or she knows she wanst to make a try, and then I will make a decision if she wants to make a try. I was thinking the other day how a relationship is like a package. thers connection, sex, friendship, family, etc.... if someone broke up with you and said all they wanted was sex, most would say no. but when they break up and want friendship or conenction, or any other aspect we tend to give it more freely. the loop needs to end once and for all. she has said she has never had aconnection as strong as ours, and there is a lot of great things with us. thats why its hard im sure. but she needs to weigh her life and her options without me influencing and she needs to know that i will not stand for this anymore. i think if i tried friendship (like last time) it would give this impression. i want to fight in many ways and have thought about calling her many times. I will not do this though. I think rosie, and others are saying that i need to give space and time and she needs time to figure out if she truly is thinking too much and wants to be with me or is right that there is something missing. Does this sound right?

ha, thanks...to your questions.... I am not sure what the trouble really is between us to be honest. This whole situation is so foreign to me in so many ways. Most of my other relationshisp i have had the opposite problem. they always have felt more. she seems to block hereself off. she seems to think too much if that makes sense. even when we finally got out there was problem, she took a two week break before talking about it and had already made up her mind. She doesnt trust her feelings it seems. Like i said when she is drunk and unihibited i get an uncensored look sometimes. she says i love you over and over, where she is more guarded otherwise. It did make me act a little differently in the beginning, but for the most part that has gone away which is good. I tend to do more if i need to make things work, not just in relationships but in life. It has been like this from the start pretty much, although when we got back together it went away until recently. She seemed to freak out at every progression of the relationship. It wsas weird but she always came backand i loved her. we reall yhave no terms as of now. She came over the other day to pick up her stuff from my house and has yet to return my stuff. I am purposely trying to not call her and give her a real break. Last year when this happened we still kept in contact and hung out for awhile and i think while that was fine, i need to really show her what life is like without me completely and she nees to understand that this could be it. I tihkn she feels i would always come back... that being said she is a very nice person and hates how this happens as much as me and seems genuinely tortured by the whole thing....i am tron for sure though..i really love her and can see a very bright future with her if we couls ever get past this. We have a ton in common and really get along in every way so well...i know i can get over it if its done..it will be hard but i know that its up to her in the long run...and up to me if i want a chance should it be presented down the line. I was accomidating but was not a doormat by anymeans....i dont think that that was too much of an issue...i really think its a way of being for her. It takes a lot for her to trust men or anyone. She is very catious in everything. she hates risk. she plays things very safe. in relationships i think she panics. panics that things are sprinling out of control and she is losing herself and can never go back. She has high romantic expectations and i think gets upset when things are not "perfect"....a good example of her expectation personality level - i said i wa sgetting chicken for dinner one night - instead i thought i would get some salmon steaks - when i brought it home she was ok but asked me a bunch of question to why i decided not to get chicken....its weird but htats just how she is. When she first said i lvoe you. she freaked and said now that we said that we would have not move in together soon and share thingsm, and possibly engaged, etc.... she sounds a litle off form this but its just anxiety i think. Its not often but seems to sprout up, especially in the winter for whatever reason.... youre right, i know i want her....but i know i can move on if she chooses to as well. I tihink i have done all i could. I think now is the time where she needs to live life without me and see if this is what she wants or not. I do not easily give up on things, which is why i keep some hope. I think there is someone else out there, buti know we are so great together too and it will be hard to follow. I think i need this time as well...as you said i shouldn't just try to replace her with a warm body...i just hope i am doing the right thing by giving her time, becasue i do think to fight more for her....agree rosie?

Not really. i swear if you wern't 30 and in england though you would have been my ex with some of your points and how you explain them. I guess whats tough, and which is my point, is that in every relationship I have had I have gone through a period of being lonely; not being as excited; having the same arguments; i felt this with my ex.....when we had issues though, when things felt more unstable, i put in more effort and those feelings came back (at least for me). I think it might be a personality trait that you and I, as well as my ex...might share. I might be wrong. A part of me hates the chase too, but i cannot discount how i felt something was missing too. I hate to admit it but i seriously started questioning things in december as well. the difference is (through life), i have noticed i always do this no matter what the relationship feelings. I hate to admit this but it is true. I made a pact that i would try to fight through this feeling and was trying with my ex. I also hate to say i once got a call from an ex and went down to see her. I was very excited and thought about getting back with her. I had broke it off with her. When i saw her she was VERY accomidating and wanted very much to get back. It totally turned me off. I was disturbed by this as she was a great girl and i knew her and had intended to get back. I guess my thesis is that we (as well as my ex) do not react passionately to people that put us in front of them. We probably like strong, independent types, which is true even into the relationship. the "like you more guy" was great and amazing, but put you first. there was no challenge or intruige anymore. he was safe. the "like you less guy" lived his life and you were a part of it, but he kept his identity and life and you respect that. You probably respected him mcuh more for all of his traits since he would not change them, and felt the other guy was "weaker" (i believe this is so with my ex). not that it is weaker or even negative but personalities are different. i could be dead wrong, but i thinks its my case. i think she almost doesnt respect that i go out of my way for her. I have noticed at times her getting a little down if i cave to her wishes (which wasnt too often but happened more than before for me). she is very vague with what is missing. She claims she doesnt know. That could be an act. Some of the things you say could be the case since they partially ring true for me in the relationship. I also fhave felt cold and lonely with perectly good ex's....and i feel the same for my ex as you said with the one that felt less....i guess the difference is that when i move on and she sees this, my traits that she missed come through more for her. she has said this. She admitted that when we first broke up the more time that went by the more she missed my traits and ebeing with meand it came back....did you feel this too for the more guy?

rosie, i guess its just weird. i know of a girl that didnt feel "it" for a year and half with a guy, and then it came out over time and they are married. so i wonder a lot if sometimes we just dont register. Like, how do you know what you felt for the guy thats moved on now wasn't more than the guy that felt less, but the guy that felt less just gave you a sense of anxiety that it could end. for example if you KNOW you will win a basketball game (due to fixing or supreme talent), its less exciting when you win and less exciting during. You feel less afterwards. If you knwo you could lose, then your adrenaline is always going, and its much more exciting and the thrill is much more gratifying. This has happened many times. My point is how do you know that if you stayed with the perfect guy for 50 years you wouldn't be totally conetent, while if things got normal with the less feeling guy you would have lost interest.....i guess this is all speculation.... I just think one of the reasons i am so engaged is the fight for the relationship and the uncertainty...when that went away (or everytime that goes away for me as it has in every relationship), something changes and i feel something is "gone". As i said this happened with this situation. maybe int he end it is most important to have the connection, because thats what will last. I do not know this. I could be wrong, but do you ever think about this???

I know what you mean. i am taht way too. I was doubting things myself before she broke it off. but i ALWAYS do this as well. I think this is why she always wants to come back, and if she does i need to say "i dont think so". if she continues to try then maybe. but she needs to be sure and needs to know i will not put up with this anymore...btw if you are being insanely helpful in understanding this....

rosie, one more question.....do you think that if he was more hesitent to get back....the one that felt more than you.....that it might have made a difference...for example, she said a few times that she "wasnt affraid to lose me"...that she "always knew i would be there".....im just trying to understand...

i agree. I think I do liek the insecurity in a werid way. I aheva tendency to lose interest even when thigns are great. I left this out but there felt like something was missing too when we were having issues, but i still loved her and wanted to be with her regardless. My feelings rushed back when she wanted to take a break. I agree its a rollercoaster, but i think people need time to understand themselves and their situations. She handles things differently than me. She needs space. If we were married I would be doen, but we are two single people.....ill move on, but if she truly sees her error (or feels it is one), i cant see the harm...this sucks but never finding someone like her again woudl be worse...

rosie, do you think you find yourself more attracted to men if they are more standoffish? For example, did you find yourself having a strong reaction once you knew it was over with the first paragraph guy?

Its tough. I think if it was about me then i would be more adverse to getting back (ie bad habits, job, family issues). I think she has only had one relationship; it was very serious; and she is unsure how to feel about things. I have had many more, and am a little older. i know what i want and its her. Its tough, but the fact is that if i am single and she wants back in, why not try again...it seems liek it didnt work the second time around but i think its her uncertainty more than feelings. I could be wrong, but if that wall goes away and we talk about ramifications, i think why not try again....you only have one life you know...

rosie, this sounds very simialr. I think a lot of it has to do with her previous relationship. She thought she was going to marry this guy and her life was totally planned, and he went off the deep end and became another person. I guess what makes it so weird for me, is that when we broke up last year she had 3-4 months of being alone without me,and she made all the moves to get back. I would think she would have known during that time if it wa right or wrong. I know I will move on, but I am scared to move on from her. A lot of what you said is true in both case in terms of my situation, but i've never met someone ive connected with so easily and she has said the same. i almost feel it is when i am ignoring her, that she is drawn to me. that it is when she thinks it is really gone.....did your feelings come back at those points?

I hear you and i think you are mainy correct. One thing I do know for sure is that it is not the other guy. She dumped him, he gained literally about 100 pounds, and lives with his parents with no job. She's over it for sure. Especially since when we were apart last year I know she met up with him and felt nothing and nothing happened. I agree though that its how far she will let herself go. She seems to block me all of a sudden. It affects her mood. She takes time. Misses me. Adn when we see each other the wall is gone and she is back and the feelings come back. I just am surprised how it comes on and off. there is something that keeps us coming back together though. She has even said this. i feel like I should move past this like i did last year, but another part knows that the feelings are still in there and she is doing the same thing. One thing she said is that she wished i had "fought" for her more during the "rut" period. On the other hand i dont think shes afraid to lose me, and knows that i will come back if givent he option. So a part thinks i need to not fight and really move on this time, which will either give her a taste of life without us for real (no hone conversations, meet ups, etc..), and will either give her that fear, or make her move on for good. but then again, i am so worried about losing her. i have had many serious girlfriends over the years. I always ended it with them, and never felt so hapy in a relationship......i guess im just at a loss at what to do....

Well here I go....... Two years I started dating the most amazing person i had ever met. She is in her mid 20's and I in my late 20's. We met through mutual friends and started seeing each other casually, usually on double dates. We hit it off very well and there was tons of chemistry but she had just gotten out of a four year relationship with her ex (who she was totally over specifically) where he had been her first love, had bought a place together after college, who she thoguht she was going to marry, but apparntlly they grew apart and she broke up with him. the whole ordeal seemed painful, but she was over it, although not over the expirience, as I think you will see. So we started dating...everything was great, but a few months in she ended things because it was too serious. She called me back and said she made a mistake. we started hanging out again and had sex a few months later. She freaked out again and said she couldnt do this. A few days later we were back. Again, everything was great, she said " i love you"; i was on cloud 9; the next day she freaked again and we almost broke it off. then we started planning a week vacation and she freaked, said she didnt have the feelings I had (which seemed not the case from my POV); and we broke up. this was over the course of about 8 months. When we were together or got back together you coudn't tell we were ever apart or had any issues, things were amaziong on both sides. We both spent time with family and friends as well. So we broke up last december for good after the vacation freak out. It was tough since I had very strong feelings. She just felt that her feelings were not as strong, but again it seemed weird and almost forced by her, as I have had quite a few girlfriends and knew feelings when i felt them. We broke up then (last december) for good, although we would talk ont he phone and satill see each other every few weeks. I had moved on, although i missed her greatly. I started dating someone else. that failed. She started calling more frequently and texting, and when we saw each other, the "spark" was certainly there. We started hooking up on weekends, and then during the week, and then by the end of march we were pretty much back together. When we got back together it was a slow process, but it was amazing. The "walls were down" finally. It was great for both of us. She was very happy. Everything worked. We were friends, had a connection, enjoyed the same things, loved each others families. The one drawback was i was a little leary of "talking" about the relationship. i just wanted to let it be and enjoy. which we did. Starting in late november there began to be a little hitch. We were both busy, going from family gathering to friends gathering, and we just hit a bit of a rut. We stopped having sex for about five weeks. We were still very affectionate, but just got into a bad cycle (ive had this happen before). i just thought it would pass since everything seemed ok, and its not like we both didn't know how great our sex life was. It seemed minor. I mean we had known each other for almost two years at this point. I still loved her and I felt she felt the same. the first week of jan. we got into an argument over a stupid misunderstanding that was my fault. I was somewhat stubborn and we got into a somewhat large argument, but it blew over. I was kind of pissed at her though even though in retrospect it was my fault. It was very inor though int he whole scheme of things, and i eventually apologized with flowers. So the next week she called on her way from work (which she does everyday), and she just was being very difficult and a little mean. I called her on it and told her not to talk to me like that. I asked what the problem was as I seemed to be pissing her off a lot lately. We talked and she finnaly said she needed a break. I fought against this, but she said she needed it. I thought time would actually be a good thing and i figured theres no way this will end over this little thing and how great things have been so i agreed finally. She dodged me for two weeks. I called a week in, she called back said she needed a little more time to think. she text'd and said she needed time, then called. Then this week we actually talked. I said I realized that we were having problems communicating lately and i knew a big part was me. She listened to me state i wanted to work things out for about 30 minutes. she cried agreed in some ways, but then siad she thought we should break up. i was floored. She basically went on to say the exact same thing as last year. i had more feelings than her. something was "missing" and she didnt know what. We should have talked more. She didnt know i had such deep feelings, and i should be able to say them to her, etc..exactly the same as last year. I asked her if her feelings had come back when we got back together and she said yes. I asked her if it felt wrong when we were apart, and she said yes. i felt it was a "rut" and nothing more. It happens and we can work through it. She just continued to feel something was missing. We talked over the phone for a few hours. I said i as coming over but she strongly objected...I argued and fought, but in the end there as no changing her mind. She came over the next day to pick up her stuff (she didnt have mine so i need to get that). we hugged and kissed and I kept it to only five minutes. Quick.... I am devistated in many ways. I love this girl. In some ways i think that she is not trusting her feelings. Its strange but she is much more open and fre when she is drunk (which is not open). Almost uninhibited. she uses her head to much and I think has a overly optimistic view of love. I mean her boyfriend before me was her first love, who she thought she would marry. Its very frustrating. i cant see how she can have feelings, have them go away, then come back, then go away again. I mean i lost feelings a little bit for her in dec. but it was a passing thing, and i knew it wasn't her. In the past she seems to respond when i move on. My questions are these: To women: can this be the case that she is freaked about commitment? Have you ever been with a guy you love and your head messes it up over time? To everyone: should i fight for this girl or should i move on. I want to be with her, but in the past giving her space has worked perfectly, but can we even get back again. Do people do this? I want to end by saying there were periods last year that she was very cold, and she came around so i have little to go on. Shes also very careful with men. Does not trust easily and does not sleep around. It takes months for her to trust a guy enought to sleep with them or feel comfortable dating them. She is very cautious. I know this is long but any imput would be great....