Mr. Brightside

OK folks, I'm finally going to throw my problem out here for everyone to help me with because I am really at a loss. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but I also need to give you the necessary background info to base your opinions on as well. (JUST BEFORE I MET MY FIANCE) The story went that her ex had broken up with her because he felt obligated to the other girl he was seeing at the same time (because she was taking care of him by buying him things for college, etc). So basically, my fiance's ex cheated on his first girl with my fiance, then cheated on my fiance to get back with the original girl. They are now married and have a child together. I met my fiance in college and we started dating around the end of 2002. She had been broken up with her ex for at least 5 or 6 months and had told me that she thought she would never get anyone after breaking up with him. I am a pretty level headed guy and this girl made me fall hard. I am a sucker for women who enjoy and play sports with me. To this day we have so much fun traveling, sight seeing, playing sports, and just being around one another. Except for this one issue... So come mid-May 2004 is the first signs that I was picking up on that the ex was still in contact with her. I knew him from our college as well because we had some math classes together. But phone calls here and there began to shake my confidence a little. I had always prided myself on giving my girlfriends room, so as to not be suffocating or overcontrolling etc. No biological father figure present. I hate that controlling crap, but I had never experienced this before. Add to the fact that my fiance is a fairly devout religious person, moreso than I am (and I would never dream of cheating on someone). One night during 2004 when her friend was visiting from out of state, she decided to leave her friend with my buddy and I so she could go to a class party on campus (I had already graduated a year before). Of course her ex was going to be at the party and she would leave the room when talking to him on the phone. My friend was pissed because he obviously saw the signs and leaving her friend with us was pretty lame of her. I was in total denial (still am a bit obviously). The phone calls continued quite a bit. They even hung out alot for lunch etc. on campus since she still worked on campus. As the year progressed, she became much more irritable with me, but in my denial state I wrote it off to her controlling mother (which is no longer an issue since she moved out). But then in 2005 she takes a trip out of state to see a girlfriend and this is where things start getting bad. She gets a phone call while out of state and he professes his need for moving further with "his" feelings (I don't know her true answers to this yet). She tells me he called, and I ask some questions because I am suspicious, but she responds that its just a friendship and nothing can happen because he is married anyway. She becomes more irritable after the trip and I even hear her tell me she felt "used" under her breath after sex one night. I got angry because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong to make her feel this way. I would try to talk with her, but her irritability would just push the matter aside. One Saturday she calls me crying because she said she had gone to a movie with her ex (told me it was her aunt the night before) and said he tried to kiss her but she refused, which made me feel better in my denial state. A week later I told her that she needs to stop contact with him. She pretty much ignored me and when she got a new service provider, I asked her if she was going to give him her new e-mail and she said yes. My denial was so far behind I was just realizing the whole situation with the campus party at this point. After some long talks, she eventually told me that she had feelings for him still. She only said they had a couple of kisses at this point. I was devastated. I tried to figure out from her why she would want an adulterer who had already cheated on her, as well as his current wife. I couldn't get a straight answer. We were working at the same job at this point, so it was a difficult situation. I wanted to get things to work, so began reading her e-mail to see how far the situation really was. I was perturbed to find her reciprocating his love. There was even a saved IM conversation that had some explicit content involved. Ouch. There was even an e-mail describing one evening in her apartment, half clothed (she still maintains only he was) and "close." I confronted her again, confessing my knowledge of her password and e-mails. She then confesses to the content in the e-mails, nothing more and downplaying what had happened. I was beginning to feel the physical stress... I lost 20 pounds in a month while this crap was going on. I began working out vigorously to shed the anxiety as well. She said that she still loved me and she didn't want me to go and we talked endlessly about how to get rid of him. She tried e-mailing her goodbyes to him with my help, but she always responded to his reply with another response, almost like "I didn't mean it," "still thinking of you" etc. So I decided to get her some flowers and chocolate (works, right? ). Well only temporarily. I found out about the e-mails after the one we wrote together and I physically couldn't take it anymore. I also saw in some of her writings that she had even had feelings for a couple of my friends a while back! I brought all her crap to her and said we need a break. The next two days were filled with her e-mails and calls, proclaiming her love for me and only with disgust at what she had done when thinking of her ex. So we got together one night and I made her spill it all. They had had intercourse 3 months earlier to this date! Surprisingly, it didn't burn as bad as when I had read the "I love yous." So I gave her a second chance (well, maybe this is #50, depending I suppose). What can I say? I had never really been in real love before I guess and I wanted to see if I could fix things with her. But knowing that their contact had been for almost our whole relationship made our relationship feel like a sham. Later 2005 my fiance finds out that her ex got his wife pregnant long before this and I am enthused that this might be the chance we have to get rid of this guy. So things got better and her and I decided to go to grad school on the other side of the country. No ex there and some healing to do. 2006: So now I am in an area so far removed from family and good friends while in school and the contact has begun again. Nothing lovey dovey, but e-mails asking how things are going... the next few mention memories and how things were fun back in college... and he wants to give her a Christmas gift/memento and how she is curious to see it. She did show some restraint in the e-mail, saying that she "doesn't want to hurt others" by meeting up with him "at this time." Since we are now back at home visiting family, she suggests sending it to her parent's where I won't find out (rather than where we both are living at school). I have made the decision NOT to marry this girl when I get home, for obvious reasons. But I don't know whether to take a more extended break or just force myself to cut things off when we get home. It's tough because we have a year left out of state to graduate before coming back and I can't really afford to live alone out there. I've become numb and find myself hoping to find more incriminating things to justify my fears... but then the poison hits my stomach when I put the fiance I love so much together with the one I am investigating. I feel like I have worked so hard to make this work and why does she keep talking to this moron..? Any insight you guys can provide is appreciated...

Yeah I could only eat about 1/3 of the portions I ate before the whole fiasco... I also was working out aggressively (hockey for 2 hours twice a week). It helped me quite a bit feel wanted again. But it sounds like things are already moving in the right direction. I would still be weary because mine was like this for a few months and then once we settled back down, little communications would begin again. Like happy b-days etc. I'm not trying to be a downer here, but I am just speaking my personal experience. But marriage is a different thing than engagement, and hopefully she has realized that now. What I have learned through everything is to notice the good in all people. Of course I understand. You could never hate someone you have put so much love into. It would be completely contrary to human nature. I will still love her no matter what. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her, but it still confuses me why (when she knows that the communication hurts) she continues to message him. Oh well. Keep us informed... Hopefully we will be greeted by good "gnus" from now on

I know how these guys work because my fiance (soon to be ex-fiance) is still infatuated with one of her ex's who himself is married with a young child. Of course he would spill all of that BS to her about how much she means to him, so many memories together, all he ever wanted was to get out of the relationship so things can be so green and peachy with my fiance. The fact is, he is exactly where he wants to be right now and you are not. You want to move the relationship to new levels and if that happens, his charm will begin to fade with every step because he then realizes he has to leave something behind to pick something new up. OF COURSE he is going to have you meet him in person. 93% of communication is body language. If he can manipulate you on the phone, I can just imagine (and know) how well it works in person. I'm sorry, but I have very little sorrow for you in this matter, but more for the woman at home who is carrying a child that may not even know the devastation coming. You need to end this not only for yourself, but for humanity's sake. Give us all one more reason to believe that some good can come out of situations like this... Oh and don't listen to the COMPLETE RUBBISH that his gf treats him like crap and is a horrible person to him etc, etc. He says this to eliminate any guilt of his own in the matter. He does this to make you think you are soooo much different from her. In fact, you two women are probably alot alike since guys tend to date similar women in long term relationships. So, like so many others have said here... not only do you need to think of her feelings as a fellow human being, but KNOW that it could easily be you in a future tense.

I am in almost the exact same situation. She cheated on me almost 2 years ago and I have had to check up on her since. It sucks because we are in a lease together until grad school is done (April 2008) but then I plan on ending it. I think it all depends on how the affair came about to see if you can repair things. If there was "love," forget about it. It never goes away until they realize that what they are doing is damaging someone else's love. That is the case with my fiance. She is still apparently semi-in love with an ex of hers and cannot stop contact, even with our agreement after she cheated that no further contact can happen if we are to work on things. We've gone through some good areas where I didn't feel the need to check up on her for months... but then they start acting even the tiniest bit funny and you check... BAM... there is an e-mail AND response. What I am trying to say is: Is there a history of love involved? Coming from experience it is seriously NOT WORTH your small amount of time you are given on this planet. There are so many other guys (like myself) who would fancy a monogamous, close relationship without the taint of poison infidelity. If there was no love involved, i.e. a drunken stupidity "what the hell did I just do" night, then I think you may have a chance to salvage it. I know its tough when you have given so many sacrifices of yourself and your love and they choose to dip all of that sacred stuff in a vat of diamond dust and watch you suffer. After this whole fiasco, I've realized how important our feelings are and how much they are telling us in each situation. Listen to that feeling in your stomach. It's there for a reason. I know mine is. I get the satisfaction of knowing my suspicions of further contact between them was correct, yet it adds more sickening taint to my heart. Your feelings are in direct correlation to how committed he is to making you feel comfortable again trusting him. He obviously is not working hard enough if you still feel that way. You are already doing your part by giving him that big piece of your love, sacrifice and ambition to make things right again. He must do MORE than that to get you back because it is his job to correct HIS actions. If not, you say "oh well" and fuggettabout 'im! Easier said than done, I know... but just keep telling yourself its better that way and your subconscious will eventually force you to believe...

This is my first post on this board, but I have been reading alot of topics to see which best fits my own calamity. To the original poster, I am going through a similar situation, although yours contains children and a legal commitment. I have a fiance. To make a long story short (long for my first topic later), my fiance (4 year relationship) called me one day and told me she felt guilty for going to a movie with a guy... well 3 MONTHS later I found out it was complete with sex. The key issue here is this: you are having to pull information out of her. Yes, she admits to things, but only after you find them out yourself! I have had to do this numerous times. Although I have no remedy to give you, because I am obviously in a similar predicament, I am here to talk to and let you know that the emotional poison you feel deep in your stomach is shared... Of course its easy to say "Dump her," "move on," she's not worth your time, etc. But the fact is... once you have opened that door to your heart, whatever that person took, is their's... forever. I think that's why I am having such a hard time up and leaving like I have been able to when this happened in past relationships. The worst part of all of this... is that the small part of your heart she has... she has poisoned... and it is attached to the rest of your heart, leading to continuous e-mail checks, etc etc. The feeling is never going to go away! Trust me. Once I found out 2 years ago... I am still checking, and just 2 months ago am finding out they are "communicating" again in e-mail... just friendly stuff, but that's how it always starts again (with ex's). I am stuck because I am 5 states from friends (in grad school) and living with her until school is done in April 2008. Then I am moving back home... Hope things are better for you now... I know I lost 20 pounds in a month when I worried about what could have been happening (before she finally told me the worst). This crap is nasty... I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy. It can be said that it is my fault that I gave her a second chance and I can accept that. I know what you mean when you talk about the sex part being the overstep. There comes a point where your body takes over and tells you its done.