Sofia

Thank you everyone for your replies! You really have a good grasp of the situation dreamguy! I find it a bit difficult to leave the door open just because I know he was getting a bit smug the way things were - he had us both! We have a lot of emotional intimacy and can't help flirting and it's exciting when we're together. Then he had all the security of his relationship at the same time. I know blocking him stirred him up big time. I'm sure he started to think more seriously about decision making although I never mentioned anything in that area. I hate feeling like I'm being taken for granted. I get the feeling he really is and has been doing this for quite a while. I think he's afraid to ask directly... he tries to hold back a little all the time... he is not sure what I'm thinking. You do understand ](*,) Thanks

Thank you dreamguy! I thought I wasn't going to get one response and I appreciate yours! The circumstances which led to the break up are absolutely irrelevant now and I really think he loves me. We haven't spoken openly about us being together again but it is for a reason. He is in an okay relationship and somehow the security of it is very important to him right now but he is missing so much at the cost of this "stability" in his life. I really believe he would love to be with me but is unsure of where I stand. The reason for my not being upfront is that it is a risk for him to get into a relationship with me (isn't it always a risk); you never can guarantee that it will work and I wouldn't want the responsibility of him ending up with neither of us down the road. Of course there is every chance that it would work but... well, I think you can imagine my position. If he makes a decision to leave her, I want it to be from himself and for himself, if you know what I mean. I would love to be with him though.. would appreciate anymore insight on it! Thanks! Oh, and no, he is not married. He was divorced years ago and yes, he is still living with the same woman and is now trapped by the fact that they are renting an expensive house which requires both incomes to pay for. The house is also a feature of this stability issue in his life. Stability is an issue with him as he has had a few rocky years recently and "needs" these things in some way.

Excellent answer! And you can't approve of, and accept yourself until you actually know yourself. You can't know yourself without taking a good hard look at yourself - flaws and all. A lot of people are actually afraid to do this. It's great to truly understand that you will never be perfect and you do not have to be to accept yourself. You have to accept yourself WITH your flaws, weaknesses, shortcomings. When you really do that, the opinions of others won't affect you as they are doing. People who do not know themselves can swing between self-dejection and having an inflated opinion of themselves (arrogance)... seemingly blinded to their flaws and weaknesses, they are simply not themselves. Without knowing yourself, you are extremely vulnerable to the opinions of others; it is impossible to judge whether their criticism of you or flattery, for that matter, is correct. You are easily swayed. You only have the ability to accept or reject (with objective judgement) compliments or criticism when you have self-insight.

sorry! double post

You need to be mature about this. Saying you want space is quite a big statement: it tells him you are unsure about your feelings for him so naturally he is going to feel insecure and be afraid of getting hurt. If you are unsure of your feelings for him then you do need more time and space because you don't want to risk hurting him again - think about him! Do not make any move without being totally sure about your feelings and knowing you really want to be with him otherwise it is totally unfair on him. If you are really sure, then you need to meet him and talk straight (no games), tell him how you feel, be open, honest, matter-of-fact and even unemotional - he needs to know where he stands and has a right to after being rejected. He is a human being and deserves this respect! Good luck EDIT: I just read your other thread and you told him you'd be moving on and meeting other guys. Sounds like you used that to get him to make a move. He's hurt and insecure, so don't put pressure on him. You are paying now for pushing him away. Why not suggest that you should have a few weeks of no contact so that he can really decide what he wants? Don't play games with him whatever you do!

Why can't you just tell him out straight, without emotion, that you'd rather not have the contact with him anymore. Be strong and light but firm. Just say something like, "Listen, it's not so long since we were together and I still have some feelings for you (play it down) and I just don't want to be stuck here. I need and want a little space for these residual feelings to die. I don't really want to have conversation with you, of course I'll say hi but I really want to sever the contact and break the bond that's left. I'm sure in some months we can be normal, natural friends when that attachment no longer exists but for now, I just want no conversation." If you say this in a natural, matter of fact way, you will not feel a loss of dignity and he will see you as strong. The reason people feel "in love" with someone who has dumped them has to do with the effects of being REJECTED! When one is rejected, they "need" (feel they need) approval from the one who rejected them. It is also the "wanting what you can't have" factor. Wish you the best!

My ex and I split one year ago and it was my fault (circumstances at the time but nothing wrong with our relationship). He was hurt and rejected and immediately got into another relationship which he seemed to regret doing - things moved quickly and they were living together within 3 months. For the longest time he was totally unfulfilled in the relationship and I know he wished for another chance with me but we never spoke openly about the fact. He was trying to "read" me wondering if I was open. I didn't want to say it as I felt I would be commiting myself and didn't want him to end his relationship for ME as then I would feel responsible and under pressure to make "us" work (I believe there should be no pressure like that) and our relationship was just a short one so we still don't know if it would work although all the signs say it could be wonderful. One year later, I still have a lot of feelings for him and vica-versa so I told him I wanted no more contact. He's very proud so I expected he would co-operate although he would be really sad. He then tried to "bump into me" in places he knew I would be but that didn't work for him and we had 2 whole weeks of no contact. Yesterday he wrote to me, for him this is huge as he really had to go against his pride to do so. Problem is that his little daughter has been diagnosed with quite a serious health problem and he mailed me about it. Of course I couldn't ignore him! But I do know he is using it as a strategy to stay in my life. He also asked me how I was and offered to do a favour for me in an area he knew I needed one. In my reply I didn't say how I was or didn't comment on the favour offered I only referred to how sad the situation in his life is and that if he felt like calling for a chat, he should please do it. It is like he has won... he had to find a way back into my life and although the situation is real and tragic, I know he is using it to break the no contact. I cannot ignore him in this situation... I was (am) one of his most important friends and one of the few people he would turn to when things are really hard but I feel cornered at the same time. My determination was in vain and he has won! Any advice? I guess this sympathy thing must be a common strategy??

I would really appreciate any input especially from guys. My ex is in another relationship but it seems his feeling for me after breaking up 11 months ago are still very strong. He has never been fully content in his new relationship but it's secure. We broke up over some silly circumstances at the time but they are not at all relevant now. However, he is kind of stuck in the new relationship (of 10 months) but the security of it makes him stay as there is no gaurantee if "we" would work, he's been afraid to make a move. He used to contact me about every two weeks and we'd meet for a drink. We love each others' company and discussions and friendship but the feelings between us are very strong. Recently, I decided I couldn't be friends anymore and asked him not to contact me from now on. He was angry and seems really agitated and confused now. Instead of contacting me, he is trying to "bump into me", knowing places I hang out. The thing is, his feelings seem to have intensified even more. I get the impression that the "powerless" situation I've left him in (not being able to contact me) is killing him and has somehow caused the increased intensity in his feelings. We both realize that there is a strong possiblity that we could be a wonderful couple - our short time together was incredible for both of us. However, he would have to risk his "secure" relationship to give "us" another chance. What I want to ask you guys is, has an ex ever asked you not to contact them again? If so, what were your feelings and reactions?

I think you're on the right track! They do get curious when you don't contact them but it's not necessarily an indication that he wants you back. He's probably still emotionally attached to you and misses you but that's not evidence that he wants to be with you. You are right to try to sort your own feelings out! Get to know yourself better and be strong... perhaps there is hope but you sound like you are really doing the right thing for now! Wish you the best! Sofia