laboheme

I did end up visiting him at work. He's still not feeling well, so everything was a little more awkward than it would've been otherwise. We got plenty of alone time and it was uncomfortable at first, neither one of us was saying much. Being the blunt person that I am, I asked him if he didn't want me there -- he responded that he did nothing to give me that idea and told me to stop being silly. After a while, our conversation picked up...Here's a more serious part of it, feel free to read and laugh:

Him: So I might live with ___ next year...

Me: And to think that you and I were supposed to live together this year. I guess I should start looking for a roommate too, in case you and me...

Him: Probably a smart idea.

Me: *holding back tears* So you mean to say we have no chance of getting that close again?

Him: I didn't say that at all. It's just that expecting to live together next year is hoping for a lot.

Me: You mean I shouldn't hope at all. Pessimist. *pout*

Him: I didn't say that either...and I'm not being pessimistic! It _is_ hoping for a lot, but that doesn't mean things can't happen. And...weren't you planning to go abroad next year?

Me: I was...but I changed my mind.

Him: *surprised* When?

Me: Right around April or so...

Him: I don't believe you. You kept on talking about it as though you were set on going...I never would've thought.

Me: There are a lot of things that I changed my mind about...

Him: And you were hiding that fact?

Me: Yes. Mostly from myself. And anyway, how would have you reacted if I told you that I _actually_wanted_ to go to ___ together?

Him: I would've been...happy...

I didn't go into detail about what most of those things were...if we ever do get close again (fingers crossed), he'll find out. The rest of the night was a little more lighthearted -- I was silly and convinced him to let me go get food for us...The conversation leading up to that was just like old times, before we started dating. The memories made me really happy, and I ended up grinning like a fool, which he picked up on and was smiling himself. It's been a while since I've seen his smile...

We're meeting up for lunch tomorrow...wonder how that will go.

Can't believe I didn't think of calling. Haha. Good thing you people have this something called "common sense." Thanks

I doubt he'd think I'm stalking, since he did tell me his schedule...A little while ago he told me that if he didn't want to see me, he wouldn't tell me where he is -- but of course, his thinking may have changed over the last 10 days.

And I want to hang out with him because he's...well...a great person. Yes, he dumped me, but the breakup was because of my temper...and I've been working on myself since then. I do realize that we may not get back together, but given that I'm not looking for a relationship with a new person anytime soon (for many reasons) and am happy with other aspects of my life, I don't feel hanging out with the ex is holding me back from anything...

There's an article that I read a while ago...maybe that's the one heyduh was talking about?

link removed

And I definitely think that the idea of introducing chemical replacements to recreate the passion can be problematic...

I think another very simple reason is that when you're full, you'll be less inclined to drink as much as you would on an empty stomach. It just physically limits your intake. Heck, if I just had a good meal, I don't even want to drink water!

Life is just giving us lemons, and they rot before we can make lemonade...And right now I think this is my only chance to actually catch and squeeze one...

Bad news: I didn't get to see him before class. More bad news: he's still sick, sleep deprived, swamped with homework, and has to spend entirely too much time at work (his coworkers decided to take some time off, which means that he and one other person are splitting all the hours). Even more bad news: his afternoon class actually met today (sometimes it doesn't), so we couldn't see each other in the middle of the day. Bad news continued: our work schedules are polar opposites, so even if we tried to make plans, they would fail. An extension of bad news: because he was so exhausted today, it was hard to tell if he really wanted to be talking to me (but he did anyway on our way from class).

Good news: he at least cared enough to warn me so that I don't have a cow when I don't see him there (sent me a text message in the morning). And bonus: he told me when he's working.

Idea: I'm tempted to drop by his workplace (also my old workplace) tomorrow just to pass the time, like I (and just about every other employee) used to before we started dating. They rarely ever get customers on weekdays, so I know it's not a problem...we used to hang out there for hours on end. It's probably going to be my only chance to have a conversation with him outside of class for a while, at least until we get together to study and possibly watch a movie, but with our schedules, who knows when that's going to happen?

Advantages: I'll be keeping him company during a boring shift (and possibly preventing him from falling asleep, haha), we'll have a semi-private setting where we can goof off (as opposed to class), a place that's special to both of us, things to distract us in case the conversation gets awkward, and a very large span of time. Also, since he's stuck there and I'm just visiting, I'll be in control of the timing -- so I can leave on a happy note and "leave him wanting more." Shallow bonus: I can actually show up looking cuter (heels and such, which aren't very practical in class).

One problem: I don't know if he'll want to see me. He did tell me he was working...but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants me to show up. Ideas?

Oh, the infamous lesbian question. The way I've heard it answered is...Twice as many boobs, twice as many vaginas, twice as many of everything...hey, a guy is happy. Also, some men seem to think (perhaps with good reason?) that women know how to please themselves and hence know how to please other women. So by watching two women interact they want to be educated...and enjoy the double view.

You shouldn't expect to be over her in three weeks...unless it was an incredibly short-lived relationship, but even those sometimes can affect you very profoundly. Healing takes time...and it's definitely a roller-coaster ride. Maybe you were in a particularly good mood when you set the date, but it's normal to be uncomfortable with the idea afterwards. Hang in there!

High school was a tough time, I know what you mean. I wasn't into sports, but I imagine it'd be horrible to go through the bench experience...

The way I coped was...as opposed to feeling that I didn't matter, I realized that it was high school didn't matter. I don't talk to any of my high school friends anymore, don't even know why I wasted my time with them in the first place. High school is just such a shallow, depraved experience...there are some people who flourish then, but if you don't, it's for the better -- you'll flourish later on in life and it will be worth more then...Cliques are overrated, and by the time you get to college they don't matter much. Basically the only thing I got out of high school was, well, grades to get me into college.

I found it helpful to just get away from the high school scene completely, and only go there for class. Find activities outside of your school -- volunteer, maybe get a job later on. And there should be plenty of opportunities for you to pursue basketball as well. I wouldn't know much about that myself, but at least in my area there are clubs you can join -- and teaching little kids to play can also be a blast!

Remember, high school is only four years, and they'll fly by quickly...

How long have you two known each other? Do you know how he feels about you? I get the impression that you don't, since you don't know if he'd want you to pick up and move...Also, has he visited you? Does he have kids?

Like monkey1 has said, you should talk to him about the relationship and where it's going, if anywhere. I personally think that when kids are involved, anything less than a proposal is not a good enough reason to move...

And as far as an open, honest conversation goes...if you discover that your relationship is not serious enough (if both of you are serious, he can at least come visit you a few times and see how that goes!), the distance that you hate now will actually work in your favor, since it will be easier to cut all ties and move on...

I agree with the OP...after my breakup, my friends and family did their darndest to make my ex look like the worst guy in the world, which really did me no good, because they were focusing on really artificial qualities (like him not having a six-pack -- who cares???)

I try to be sensitive and supporting when it's other people getting dumped...but in my case, I didn't particularly care to hear that "It's okay, you can do better, you will move on." I don't need to hear that, those things are burned into my brain because they're on the cover of every magazine and spoken so many times in movies.

What I do want to get from other people is not comfort...it's solid facts. I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on, I'm looking for somebody to whip me into shape and give me answers instead of vague cliche statements. In my most recent breakup, I want to know that I was constantly angry with him for no reason. If I don't do well on a test, I don't want to hear that grades aren't everything, I want to know which material I should've studied better. Et cetera.

I totally agree with you saying that society doesn't like to accept responsibility. We need more harsh reality in this world, we really do. You don't need to be mean about it...but do be honest. Poeple need to realize their mistakes right away, not go on thinking that they are flawless and perfect as they are...

But that's just little old cynical me.

Glad the date went well...flowers and remembering your favorite places always get brownie points Hope everything continues as you want it to! (And ask for that solar telescope next time! Lucky Momene...)

What do you mean by NC working? I'm assuming you want to know how many people got back together...but if somebody successfully gets over their relationship and can move with their life, that's also an example of NC working.

I'm not one to talk, I'm not doing NC myself...but I feel that there are so many different experiences out there that trying to use them to judge your own situation won't do you much good...Because yes, some people do NC for a week and reconcile. Some people do NC for years and reconcile. Some people do NC for a month and realize that they really didn't love their ex as much as they did and are ready to move on. Some people are still in NC after years and still missing their ex like crazy and can't have another good relationship...The possibilities are endless, my friend, and every situation is unique.

What other reasons do you have to think that she moved? Did she mention moving at all before you broke up? It just seems a little illogical to me to automatically assume that she doesn't live there anymore because she doesn't pick up your calls. The harsh reality may be that she simply doesn't want to talk to you.

Is there any other way for you to find out if she moved for sure? A mutual friend, maybe? A PI seems a little extreme for me...

Also, if you really want her to know how much she meant to you, why don't you send her a letter? Most people have their mail forwarded to their new address for a while after they move (that is, if she did move), so she should receive it, and a letter will give her the information she needs to contact you if she thinks it's appropriate.

Icnoland listed this as #1, so let me reinforce what she said: DRINK WATER. It will help flush out the toxins from your body...it will help make sure that you're well-hydrated in general...and it will help regulate your appetite as well. Oftentimes what you think of as hunger is actually thirst, so drinking a bottle of water when you feel that pang should keep you away from eating something unhealthy. Then if you're still hungry, go for a healthy snack.

I wasn't actively trying to lose weight last year, but I didn't feel like wasting money on soda, so all I ever drank was water -- and I lost quite a few pounds that way. Good luck!

Hugs to both of you...

They are more "in tune" with how women think, it seems, because they themselves have to deal with men!

It's not for me though...Although in my life I've come accross gay men who are so much more articulate, interesting and handsome than straight men...there's something seriously wrong with a guy telling me that I would look fab in white ankle-strap sandals with heels that mirror the curves of the body...

"I'm sorry for not appreciating you and not always giving you the love you deserved...I wish you could have told me earlier so that I could have tried to fix things. I'm still going to try so that I won't mistreat the next man who comes into my life. I really hope that it's going to be you again...that you still care enough to give us one more chance someday down the road."

It's a good thing that I'm in a public place, otherwise I'd be crying right now...He completely redesigned his online profile yesterday and removed the very cute picture of him hugging me and my best friend, which had been up there forever...even for the two months after the breakup. He must really be over everything...And, of course, no phone call to see how my appointment went today...And no facebook poke either. I guess my call and message yesterday must have scared him off.

Really not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow in class...Knowing my temper, I'll inadvertently yell at him for not contacting me -- and since I obviously don't have the right to do that, I'll make things even worse...It's such a lose-lose situation. If I put a smile on my face and say hi to him first, he might think I'm being too persistent...but if I wait for him to approach me first, he'll think I'm mad (which is never a good thing). ARGH.

I was actually the dumpee, but I think I understand my ex's reasons pretty well...

He poured his heart and soul into the relationship...and I've been putting him second to my own pride and work. Quite frequently I would be angry with him for no reason at all. He got worn out and couldn't handle it anymore. He didn't deserve to be treated like that and once he realized it, he broke things off...My behavior destroyed the love he had for me...

Argh! I keep on messing up...

While at work today, I received a text from the ex where he asked me where he could buy something that he knows I'm familiar with. I was too lazy to write a long message explaining where...so after work, I left him a voicemail (he was most likely at work and couldn't pick up). I felt very businesslike listing all the places I know, their locations, and their advantages, so I decided to talk in a very clear-cut, dry manner as a joke. Well, after I hung up, I thought that maybe I sounded too cold and b****y, like I was maybe mad at him (I wasn't! I was just trying to sound "professional" and no-nonsense) -- and right now both he and I are very sensitive about that issue! I felt that maybe he wouldn't pick up on the joke aspect, so as soon as I got home, I sent him a message clarifying that I wasn't mad! YEAH. DUMB. He probably thinks I'm an idiot now. Or was that the right thing to do, considering that maybe I sounded too impersonal?

On a more sentimental note, I wonder if he remembers that tomorrow I'm going to consult someone about my temper issues...I wonder if he'll call to see how it went, since it was one of the things that tore us apart. I really wonder how things are going to be when we see each other in two days -- we haven't heard each other's voice since Thursday, when he called to let me know he was sick, and this is the longest we've gone without having contact since the breakup (excluding facebook poking, which we're still keeping up, and the messages today). I wonder if we'll ever get around to watching the movies that we are still supposed to watch together...Yeah, having a bad day *sob*

And I'm very tempted to send him a cheery little note because his favorite team won today (that's rare!)...but I feel like I exceeded my contact quota for the day

Ditto on everything people have said about behavior.

As far as actual appearance goes...I think the key is balance. If you're wearing a mini, I'd make sure that the top covers the shoulders. Conversely, if you're wearing a tube top or a teeny halter, go for some coverage on the lower half of the body. It seems that if you try to combine several overtly sexy pieces in one outfit, you may get the look that you're trying to avoid.

Oh. Shoes. They are key. And they have the power to turn a mega-sexy outfit into a mega*bleep* outfit. Same goes for makeup. Balance, balance, balance.

Every situation is unique...but from what I've seen on this forum, NC is a way for a person to get over their relationship and to heal. If you're still talking to the person who broke your heart, it's easy to give in to false hope ("But he still picks up when I call! He still wants to hang out with me!). Basically, full contact leaves you still pining for that person and prevents you from moving on and finding happiness else where. In the meantime, that person is perfectly content maintaining contact because either they are completely over the relationship (oftentimes it's over before it's officially over), or because they think they're being nice by hanging out with their heartbroken ex...

As for the situations you described...If the ex is a wonderful person, NC may seem like a bad idea, but every time you talk to them, you'll be reminded of how wonderful they are, thus slowing your healing process. And if you were the dumper...well, you could possibly start NC because you don't want to cave in when your ex comes to you begging, or because you still have feelings for the ex but knew that the breakup was the right thing to do, or because you understand that talking to them may result in leading them on.

But I agree, it's hard to determine when NC is needed. It all depends on the breakup...For example, if it was completely mutual and both of you lost the spark a long time ago, but never really got around to shedding the label...you may still be able to talk as friends. Basically, if both of you are perfectly comfortable talking to each other without one of you breaking down...NC may not be necessary. Et cetera.

You shouldn't have much trouble getting hired at a large store. I started working as a cashier when I was 16, and I also had no experience whatsoever. After six months, I felt I needed a more interesting job, and by then I had something to put down on the application.

A word of advice though: you probably won't want to keep you first job for a long time, especially if it's fast food service or something along those lines. However, don't quit too soon...being employed for one month doesn't look too good, unless your reasons for quitting are better than "got bored, needed a better job." In my experience, employers will be hesitant to hire a job-hopper, because training you may not be worth the effort if you're planning to leave soon anyway! So...if it's your first job, start out slow. As tempting as it is to work a lot of hours, don't. (Plus, there are limits on how much students can work). You might burn out quickly and want to quit before getting a good recommendation. It might be better to work just a few hours a week but make a long-term commitment to the job, until you've established a solid reputation as a good worker...and then move on to bigger and better things

Just to reinforce everything that's been said...she NEEDS to go see a doctor.

5'9" and 84 pounds is VERY dangerous. I've got healthy fit friends who are under 5 feet and weigh more than that.

It could very well be the stress from the abuse, like you said. I hate to say this, but it could be suicidal tendencies...she may have the desire to just "wither away." Also, has she been physically hurt in any way (if it's an abusive household, I wouldn't rule that out)? Some kind of trauma to her internal organs may have damaged her digestive system -- hence the very rapid weight loss.

As somebody suggested, perhaps it's time to involve the police, if her parents will not let her take care of her health. She's lucky to have a friend who's concerned about her the way you are. My best wishes to both of you...

Perhaps FC is full contact?