laboheme

Oh, hon...do I ever know how that feels. The only advice I can offer goes along with what the other posters already said...An email in response to his message is an easy way to go about it, but a handwritten note has an amazing personal touch to it...You could also call him, but the danger there is that you'll get emotional, say too much, and end up pushing him away. Without going into much detail, explain that you're sorry for hurting him like you did. Be concise, don't make it into a novel, and I wouldn't even mention him giving your relationship another chance. If he sees that you acknowledge the mistakes you made, he might be willing to slowly work his way back to you.

I'm in a very similar situation here, so feel free to PM me anytime -- I don't want you to make the same mistakes I'm making...

I'm not changing for him (although if we got back together, I'd be the happiest girl in the world). It's not like I'm seeking help to try to come to terms with something that I may not like about him...It's that unless I work on myself, I won't be able to have any kind of committed relationship, with him or anyone else. Not many guys have the same kind of patience as this one, and even he got worn out. Nobody will be willing to tolerate that kind of behavior on a regular basis. So even if I don't get this one back, I won't repeatedly hurt someone else later on and end up losing guy after guy (heck, and friend after friend, too!)...and eventually end up an old maid who can't even have any cats because she yells at them too much! So yes, I am doing this for myself.

And I can't move on knowing how much emotional torture I must have inflicted on him...It's like...if you seriously wounded somebody, how can you forgive yourself and move on if you still have the bloody knife in your hand and have to look at it everyday? I have to make sure that it doesn't get used ever again.

PS. He's still talking to me though. He called me early in the morning to tell me he was feeling too sick to come to class and wanted to make sure that I wouldn't freak out when I got there and didn't see him. He knows me too well, I'd probably think that he hates me and dropped the class to avoid me completely...

Haha, if we all spent as much time at a gym as we did in front of the computer, we could all go to the Olympics...Or if that failed, we could just become models...

While there's always something to learn about a person, after the initial outburst of information, when everything is new, things can get a little stale. Especially if your lives aren't terribly exciting...and it does sound like they're kind of routine.

If I'm scared that a conversation won't be fulfilling because there's nothing going on in either person's life, I do a little research beforehand. I usually look at news websites and read an article that's interesting to me, but you can also look up a funky word definition, find a funny quote, a historical fact, anything. Then just mention it when you're talking to her, instead of saying that your day was boring and you have nothing to talk about. It's a double whammy: I get more educated and have a topic that will potentially generate more conversation material from her side...

I think posture is an important element...Like you yourself said, it's linked with confidence, which makes somebody considerably more attractive. Honestly, I think the element of attraction comes from everything that's associated with standing up straight, rather than the actual physcial appearance. However, good posture does make you taller and emphasizes your pecs, which is always a nice plus! Not to mention that proper posture is better for your back...

He confirmed it today: my irrational reaction yesterday frustrated him. We talked about it a little bit...he said that he thought I realized that this was a problem and was going to work on it, that he's been waiting for a positive change in my behavior to happen, but it never did...I'm not sure if he was talking about waiting before the breakup, or waiting after the breakup...But at any rate, it's clear that it wore him out. He does like my sarcasm...just not when it's taken overboard in an aggressive manner.

Still, in-between classes, we spent a full hour together, talking about random things...(Nothing romantic though ). I told him that I made an appointment to see a therapist (about this as well as some other things) -- he was shocked. As we were saying goodbye, I simply had to ask him if, with professional help, I do get a grip on myself...if he would consider giving us another chance. He said that we'll just have to wait and see how things go...I told him that if he knows there are no chances, he NEEDS to tell me NO, that he knows how dense I am when it comes to interpreting actions...But I never got that definite no, so I suppose I should try my luck...

I really need to buckle up and show him that I CAN control my emotions. Don't know how many chances I'll get outside of class...But until I get a professional opinion, I am bent on not expecting too much, thinking before I unleash, and generally just being friendly, happy and not trying to hide that smile I get on my face whenever I see him. Hold me to it, people!

I've done it. I called and set up an appointment. A certain conversation this morning confirmed that I have problems with anger management...and as much as I'd like to simply make an effort and think before I speak...it never works. No other choice but to put myself into a doctor's hands...

Thanks for being supportive...I really appreciate it.

Don't think "trendy," just go with the basics. Don't get anything outrageous -- crazy prints, colors, whatnot (while they serve their purpose, Hawaiian print shirts are generally quite useless in putting together several quality outfits). And the problem with coordinating outfits in a store is that you may end up with several outfit-specific items. When you're buying something, make sure you can wear it with several items that you already own. Here are some basics that I think every guy should own:

- Casual-dressy jeans. Not baggy, not tight. Casual-dressy.

- Khaki pants (and black pants can't hurt either).

- Button-down shirts. Can never have too many. Can be dressed up, can be dressed down...worn unbuttoned over a t-shirt or buttoned up with a tie...Perfect!

- A nice sweater. Or two. Or three.Simple, not too chunky...Go for a neutral color: black, brown, gray.

- Nice shoes (more casual than dress shoes, but fancier than sneakers)

Of course, I'm excluding items such as t-shirts, casual jeans, athletic wear, etc., as well as occasion wear. And only buy things that you're comfortable with! If you love cargo pants, go for it...if you like the preppy style, throw in a few polo shirts...Have fun!

Female dumpee

- Regret (I took our relationship for granted)

- Awe (how did he put up with me for so long???)

- Disgust (with my own behavior, not his!)

- Warmth and comfort

- Teamwork (together, we could do anything...except actually stay together )

- Self-esteem (he did not make me feel worthless when he called things off!)

- Hope (I'm making changes...maybe one day he'll see them.)

I agree with Rickster...actions do speak louder than words. It's wonderful that you're making changes, they'll benefit you for the rest of your life! I also think it's important to realize (and show her) that you're not doing this JUST for her, but for yourself and your own happiness. She could possibly be thinking that you're just acting nicely until she comes back, and once she does, things will be back to the way they were. Unfortunately, three weeks may not be recognized as enough by some people. Eventually, she may realize that you really are serious about setting your life on track, but it may not be for a while...hang in there and keep up the good work!

It's such a pity that sometimes it takes a painful breakup to inspire us to make changes...

Believe me, I know how you're feeling, I'm at the same point of trying to fix certain bad behaviors and showing my ex that I can be the girl he deserves...Let's get through this together!!!

My last kiss was also with my ex! It was a couple of weeks ago when we were talking in my driveway...he kissed me on the nose. Also a sweet innocent kiss. And the last one on the lips was a month ago on our would-have-been two year anniversary: after spending a few hours just hanging out, we were giving each other good-bye hugs, I started getting a little teary-eyed, and he gave me a kiss on the lips. I told him that I didn't want him to kiss me unless me meant it, he said he knows, lifted up my chin and gave me another kiss. It was warm...but we're still not back together, so maybe he didn't mean it...

I'm such a horrible person...and as much as try to get a grip on myself, I just can't do it...The ex and I were supposed to meet up for lunch today, and for a movie later tonight. Well, he called me to say that he was held up at work, but we can still do lunch, it's just going to be quick, not long and leisurely like we were planning (mini-rant: I hate how everybody at his workplace can't do anything without him and he, being a manager, always gets stuck fixing other people's messes!!!). My reaction: "Oh. Don't even bother then, it's useless to try and squeeze it in anyway. Nice job sticking to the plan." He tried to convince me that although we didn't have a lot of time, lunch was still possible...but after hearing my tone of voice, he said that it sounds like I don't want to do it at all...So of course, we didn't get to discuss movie plans over the non-existent lunch, and now I'm here instead of at his house. And I don't blame him at all, since I was talking in that "how dare you disappoint me and ruin our plans! You know what, whatever..." tone (as opposed to a friendly "it's okay, no worries, we'll get another chance.")

And it's not the first time this has happened. I have this patented, um, female dog mode. Never yelling, but clearly showing my frustration whenever things don't go EXACTLY as planned (even if it's my fault), sending him on guilt trips with that trademark bitter tone of mine. Yeah, not a good way to be, and I don't blame him for getting fed up with that. Unfortunately, my attitude hasn't improved since the breakup, as evidenced by today (and a couple of other instances). I really feel like it's pushing him away -- because, let's face it, who'd want to put up with this kind of behavior?

This is a vicious cycle of sorts. Unless our plans actually work out, I'll be a bitter unpleasant wench, and if I'm like that, he won't exactly be ready and willing to make more plans. What can I do??? I know it's a problem that I know needs to be fixed, but every time I'm even the slightest bit upset, I unleash my acidly sarcastic brand of wrath. So not attractive. Sounding a little sad (or agreeing to a short lunch instead of cancelling it altogether!) would be better than this. But no...the most I can do is be a major b**** and then send apologetic messages, because I really am sorry...At this rate, he'll start ignoring me completely to protect his own sanity...and then the same thing will happen to the next guy when/if he comes along. I just don't learn, do I?

I realize that I should be a fun, happy (read: attractive) person around him, but when we can talk for only a few minutes, it's so easy to spend that time acting upset about failed plans. When I see him in class tomorrow, I don't want to do the whole "You could've at least called me to discuss the movie!" thing (although I understand why he didn't want to call my little * * * * *ly self!). And if he brings it up, I just want to be able to smile and say that it's okay...and then proceed to talk about something fun! Oh, how to deal?

(By the way, he's not the only person who gets treated this way, so it's nothing about his persona...but because I spent more time with him than anyone else and expected more of him than anyone else, he had to suffer the most.)

My eyes are usually closed, but it's an amazing feeling when both you and your partner randomly open your eyes at the same time and gaze at each tenderly for a few seconds...

While you can't help every individual animal that you see in the street, what you can do is join an organization that addresses some of these issues. That way you'll feel like you're making a difference on a larger scale...But from what you said about nobody caring, it looks like there aren't many organizations like that where you live. How about finding a few people who are as passionate about abandoned animals as you are and trying to raise awareness about this issue in your community? Not to get your hopes up, but if you put your heart into it, your efforts could result in a new animal shelter in your area!

Well, I had a two year relationship that involved sexual things but not actual sex...Neither of us thought we should wait until marriage, but we were content keeping things on a...less risky level. The way we saw things, we shouldn't have sex unless we're ready to deal with the consequences...and at 20 years old, we wouldn't be. And I wasn't about to go on the Pill (which violates my no-drugs policy) just for the sake of having real sex, when other things sufficed.

I do agree with other posters about the possibility of sexual incompatibility...but I also think there are plenty of other ways to find out. Unless, of course, by saying "no sex" you also intend to exclude all sexual activity that leads up to the actual act...

I looked at his myspace profile today...And he redid his top friends list so that they're real people now, not those funny profiles that just indicate your interests. I'm still up there, second only to his brother. He also wrote an explanation of his situation, saying that with switching schools and all, he doesn't have many real friends left, just acquaintances. No mention of the breakup affecting his friendship situation (I was always considered his best friend).

So I guess I should be glad that he still considers me one of his top friends? Then again, maybe he left me up there because he knows I look at his page and didn't want to hurt my feelings?

PS. If a mod reads this, could you please move this thread to Journals? Or at least rename it as something like "Post-breakup diary," since I'm just venting, not asking for advice per se...Thanks!

Momene said it best. There's no reason for the relationship to end simply because you've settled into a routine. Remember this cliche but oh-so-true saying: "Relationships take work!"

You say you're worried that talking about it will scare her away, but I think you have nothing to lose. If it scares her away, the outcome is the same as not having the discussion. But if you get your thoughts and feelings out there, you'll have a fighting chance.

Also, try being more assertive when making plans for any given night. Instead of asking what she wants to do or IF she wants to do something, say "LET'S do ___, I know that ___ is going on." She doesn't have to agree, but if you've already got a solid plan, it's easier to negotiate from there. Or try surprising her with a romantic activity (browse online for ideas) -- not only does it get rid of the dreaded "uh, I dunno, what do you wanna do" conversation, but it can help put the spark back into the relationship. The fact that you live in a single dorm room gives you plenty of opportunities to prepare something for when she comes over. If she sees that you're putting in the effort, she might start being more creative with activities, too.

If she very busy with homework, you can use that to your advantage, too. First of all, have you tried studying together? This can range anywhere from studying in the same room or actually helping each other with the work (if you know a little bit about the subjects). And study breaks can be your best friend, because they don't require any kind of planning but can be a kind of a bonding experience as you run down to the dining hall to grab a quick snack and make it back to the room in time to finish that paper that's due by midnight...

Yeah, some guys do that...It sucks, doesn't it? I know I wouldn't like that one bit and I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. Would he have done something like that before you guys were together? Did something in your relationship trigger this? (I've heard of...um...dry spells having that effect). Has it changed the way he interacts with you? If he suddenly stops showing you the respect you deserve, if the pictures make you feel bad about yourself, etc. you should definitely let him know.

If you don't feel comfortable confronting him directly (although I think you may have to eventually), how about buying him a couple of posters as a gift? Find something you know he'll like -- his favorite athlete, a movie poster, etc. In order to put them up, he may have to take down a few of the offensive pictures. Plus, it will give you the opporunity to point out that you're bothered by the decor of his room. Hopefully he'll be mature enough to discuss that with you and you'll strike a happy medium (maybe leaving a couple of pictures for now, since you say you're okay with that, and eventually getting rid of those too!)

I'm such a mess right now...Two days ago he wanted to do lunch with me, but we only had a 20 minute window for that with classes and all, so that didn't work out (I had to call it off)...Yesterday we were supposed to watch a movie at his house, and he sent me a message saying that he can't (people over at his house), but told me his whereabouts for the night (an event that he got talked into). I decided to drop by to say hi, and spent about half an hour there talking to him (not a deep conversation, just chatting while standing really close side-by-side).He was surprised that I wasn't planning to stay the whole time. He also apologized for the movie thing, and started going over our schedules for next week to figure out what works for both of us. I told him that I don't mind coming over to his house if his family is there; he didn't believe me (I was always afraid to come over if we weren't going to be alone). But we still made plans...

Also, when my ex left for a few seconds, some guy started talking to me...When my ex came back, the guy asked, "Oh, are you guys...together?" Obviously my ex didn't say yes, but he also didn't give a definite "no, you can have her." I wasn't looking at him, maybe he nodded or shook his head or something...But whatever it was, the guy left us alone right away.

Yet today, I saw him online, we talked briefly...or at least I talked. He responded to everything I said, but his replies were very short. I can't help feeling like I'm annoying him, even though I'm not talking about "us." And, of course, I can't ask him if I'm being annoying because that's just, well, dumb and unattractive. A couple of times he sensed that I'm feeling like that and told me that if he didn't want to do something, he would've said no (like yesterday, he said that if he was looking to ditch me for the night, he wouldn't have told me where he'd be)...But the way I look at it, not "not wanting" to do something is not the same as wanting it. There's also that "I don't care" area, where the plans aren't repulsive enough to find an excuse, but you're definitely not excited about them.

But...I can't assume that he just doesn't care enough either way...He's very reserved and doesn't show what he's feeling. Until we became an official couple, I was always kept guessing and assumed that he wasn't interested because he never made any advances...

I can't wait until I see him next (in two days). Last time we were in that situation, things were going really well -- fun, light-spirited, playful, and heading in a cuddling direction...that is, until I created drama by trying to discuss exactly where we stand, etc. I want us to be able to have fun again, like we did before I turned into the Queen of Pessimism and Negativity. Yeah, big mistake...

The chin area is very prone to breakouts because people tend to touch it on a regular basis, such as when they rest it on their hand...I know I do that! Try monitoring your behavior and if you catch yourself touching your chin, remind yourself of the hands-off policy.

As far as medication, there's a Clinique acne treatment that I absolutely adore. All you have to do is dab it on the problem spots after cleansing...

Watch how Henry Higgins makes Eliza work on her cockney accent in "My Fair Lady."

And I've found that taking foreign language classes has this interesting effect...It's a fairly well-known fact that learning a new language helps people understand English grammar, but I found that it forces me to focus on the way English sounds, too.

When I have sore muscles from the gym, I stretch like a maniac, every chance I get. I've found that it helps the pain and releases a lot of tension in general...Heck, now I stretch even if I'm not working out...

I learned that:

- I can't take him for granted

- I need to be more optimistic and positive - I would always cry on his shoulder and use him as a scapegoat

- I work entirely too much and don't bother to make time for love

- crying about the breakup doesn't make either of us feel better - I feel depressed, he feels like a jerk

- you don't have to hate someone to break up with them

- you really don't know what you had until you've lost it

- nice guys DO exist

- I'm a selfish, pessimistic, generally unpleasant person who brought it on myself. I probably didn't deserve him

How about a quaint little shop that sells souvenirs and cute trinkets? Like a gallery shop? They usually don't get a lot of traffic, so it's not like your average retail job that makes you want to kill the next customer...If it's the right kind of stuff, it can work well with your creativity...And organizing, of course, is a must!

If you end up managing a cute shop like that, you even get to travel to shows to pick out awesome merchandise -- it's kind of like being a collector!

I had a lovely talk about big butts with my fabulously gay coworker...Don't know what he was complaining about, I would kill for a butt like his.

I don't mind having a fleshy bum, but it's a problem when combined with my small waist. I have to be really careful with pants; otherwise, I sit down, the stick out, and a basketball team can practice their free throws back there!!!