laboheme

He wants the perks of having a girlfriend without the committment. He is testing you on how much he can get out of hanging out with you without properly asking you out again.

The thing is...how can I expect committment from him when our lives are so hectic? If we had a serious talk about getting back together, I guarantee that we would come to the conclusion that the relationship would leave us unsatisfied because we'd expect a lot but get very little due to having so little time for each other (or anything else for that matter). Plus, he's not getting that many perks anyway...I mean, unlike me, he's perfectly fine watching movies alone (he oftentimes did even when we were dating), so he doesn't need me there...Textbook shopping would be more of a perk to me than to him (he'll carry my books, lol)...and as far as any kind of physical thing, a short kiss is hardly a perk, and I know him well enough to say that he wouldn't want to get more than that from me or from anybody else without actual relationship status.

The whole committment issue is so tricky...Other people are out of the question, I know that much for sure, so it's not a matter of committing to a single person, it's a matter of giving that person the time they want. I can't give him an "all or nothing" ultimatum -- he's not one to make a promise that he can't keep, so he'll opt for nothing, even if it's painful for him to do. But it's not fair to do that to him, especially because right now the most I myself could promise is a couple of hours a week. So maybe we're back to "casual dating"? I mean, did today seem like a sort of a date? It was certainly different from a day with a male friend (I wouldn't spend that much time alone with any male friend of mine in the first place)...

Plus, if he's looking to do what he wants, why does he want me to call the shots -- and get visibly upset if I don't?

1. Can you fall in love more than once in your lifetime?

Yes...it would be a very sad existence otherwise.

2. Can you experience true love more than once?

If it's true love, you experience it every day and you fall in love with the same person over and over again. But I think you only experience it with one special person -- that's why it's "true love" as opposed to love.

3. Can you fall in love with someone who isn't in love with you?

I think so, but I'm more inclined to say that it would be infatuation or a crush rather than love...It's worse when they're not in love with you anymore, but you're still in love with them...

4. Is there only one person who is 'meant to be'?

There are many people who could potentially be "meant to be," but when you find them, they are the only one.

5. Are you ever too young or too old to be in love?

Maybe too young...you can be too immature to distinguish love from lust, admiration, etc.

6. Does true love really last forever?

Yes, but it needs to be nurtured. It can be true love, but it can come to a tragic end...

7. What defines "falling in love"?

Realizing that your partner is the world to you, that you want to experience everything with them and don't want to experience anything without them. (I'm basically quoting James Marsden here, but I agree wholeheartedly.)

I had a friend who interviewed with this company, but then did more research and realized that it was basically a scam...Here's the link she gave me.

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Smile, eyes...but as far as touching...shoulders (good to rest my head on and that little curve on his back between the shoulderblades...Yum.

He broke up with me three weeks ago on account of not feeling the same way anymore. Today would have been our two year anniversary, and he wanted to hang out with me, and I agreed. We spent about 5 hours together, just driving around and talking...and it wasn't awkward or anything, we talked about all kinds of things, both mundane and serious...There was a little bit of physical contact, nothing really sexual, but he put his arm around me a few times, we goofed around (like mock wrestling, pinching each other's noses, that kind of stuff), and overall it was a fairly good time. We talked a little bit about what next year is going to bring and agreed that with our loaded class and work schedules, we would not have time to dedicate to each other had we stayed together (the original idea was for us to live together, but that fell through), and that other people can't possibly enter the picture because our lives are simply too busy.

He told me that I need to watch a couple of movies that he really likes, and I said that the only movies I watch alone are chick flicks (which is true). He then asked if I would be willing to watch them with him and reminded me that I still owed him a few episodes of a certain TV show (meaning I promised him I'd watch them with him). I then told him that if he doesn't watch Office Space, he's toast, so he put that on the list of things to see as well.

Towards the end of the night we had a little sentimental goodbye, he gave me a hug, I put my head on his shoulder, and there were a few little kisses involved. I told him that I don't want him to kiss me if he doesn't mean it, and he said that he knows and kissed me again. I kind of smiled and said that old habits (goodbye kisses) are hard to break, and he replied that I don't need to break them. I know what some people might say here...but he's a very honest, moral guy and just not the kind of person who would use someone to help him through his kissing deprivation stage.

During our goodbyes, he said that he wished we could've done more things today that _I_ wanted to do (but I wasn't planning on doing anything in particular, I'd probably end up wanting more than he'd be comfortable giving, so I let him call the shots) and that he hoped hanging out with him today wasn't too hard on me emotionally, and I replied that I was glad to see him and glad that he still cares about me enough to make plans. To that he said, "More than you know," and gave me a long hug. I thanked him for today, he said that I never need to thank him for anything, we agreed to make plans for a campus tour and textbook shopping later, and that was it.

So now I'm confused. I had a good time with him and am definitely looking forward to the next time we hang out (I'm going against the whole NC philosophy here, but I love his company, we have fun together, he makes me smile and feel good about myself and life in general, it's important to me to know what's going on in his life, etc.). Am I simply overanalyzing his actions tonight and the fact that he wants to see me again? Or can I take things at face value? And the fact that we both have very busy lives...does that mean that if we make an effort to spend time with each other as friends, things might get better again? (I mean, he was talking about seeing each other on a regular basis after class once school starts, if only for dinner...) And the hugs and kisses? They were short (not making out by any means) but warm and felt real...but I have a hard time believing they were real. Then again, over the course of our relationship, the guy never lied to me, I mean never, so if he said he wouldn't do anything if he didn't mean it, does that mean he meant it?

Am I being a complete idiot here? I should probably stop trying to analyze things and follow his advice of "wait and see." But interpretations would be nice...

I believe in working real hard for that 10% chance, cuz if you do get it, itll be worth alot more than the other 90% that would have come so much easier.

I don't really know whether to agree or to disagree, but I see where you're coming from. If a breakup was more like "giving up" than escaping a bad situation, maybe it will be woth more than going the "easy" way and looking for someone new. It's like a sport...or any other kind of activity that you really have to dedicate yourself to to make it work. However, I realize that the analogy doesn't work for everyone -- just voicing my views.

And back to the original question...life is a funny thing, so it's entirely possible to have an ex thrown back into your life. It seems like usually it's at the strangest possible moment, too...

Normally in this kind of situation I would recommend LC, meaning you should respond to her phone calls every once in a while, but not initiate contact yourself. (I went through the same kind of breakup, my boyfriend called things off because he felt I didn't care enough and wanted me to be a little more clingy). HOWEVER, since she's got a new guy in her life, is firm about her decision to stay broken up and generally seems to be moving on...I really do suggest NC, although that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

Good luck!

But still it's a shock and pain that someone who was with you 4 or 5 days a week just cuts you out of his life almost completely.

Gosh, I know what you're talking about. I've seen my ex a few times since the breakup (mine also insisted on paying for tickets, lol), but it's amazing how quickly the most important person in your life becomes almost a total stranger. No daily phone calls, no cute text messages, nothing. Painful indeed. Hang in there!

1. I like being able to thrive in chaotic situations.

2. I like being intelligent -- and I love my ability to memorize facts.

3. I'm proud of not giving in to peer pressure.

4. I'm proud of knowing exactly what I want to get out of college.

5. I like the fact that I learn foreign languages fairly easily.

6. I'm proud of being a very independent person -- if I was left all alone, I could fend for myself.

7. I like my feet and the way they look in high heels (hey, gotta be a little shallow sometimes!)

My (ex)boyfriend and I had an LDR during my first year of college. Life was very routine for both of us, so within a month we basically knew exactly what the other person was doing at any given moment. Oftentimes we didn't have anything significant to talk about, so we decided to give each other a random fact about each other (about past events, present states, future dreams, etc.) It can be a challenge to find something completely random to say about yourself, but it certainly gives you a starting point!

We were also lucky enough to have free minutes during nights and weekends, so a few times we ended up falling asleep on the phone. It definitely gave us a feeling of closeness

Just out of curiosity: what do you guys think qualifies as a failed relationship and a successful relationship? I was told that a relationship didn't necessarily fail just because two people didn't end up marrying each other...but I was also told that there is no point in having a serious relationship if it's not going to lead to something more...So what's your take on that? If two people were happy together and helped each other become better people but ended up breaking up because of x, y, and z, did the relationship fail or not? Conversely, if two people didn't have a very good relationship but ended up spending the rest of their lives together (assuming no abuse or anything, just a vanilla marriage), did that relationship succeed? Very interested to hear your responses...

Yeah, fitness is confusing, and experts are constantly coming up with conflicting views about what's good and what's bad...I hear you on the thigh issue...I'd love to gain a few pounds if it meant losing a couple of inches...Weight is just a number anyway, nobody needs to know it

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Being 5'6", a healthy weight for you is probably somewhere between 118 and 148 pounds. Where you fall in that range depends on your bone structure, muscle mass, etc. Muscle is a funny thing...it weighs more than fat, but looks leaner, and is obviously healthier, too. So somebody can weight more, but still be skinnier...

Now if I could only convert some of my fat into muscle, lol...

A while ago I lent my boyfriend a hefty sum of money, and he has been paying it off in small increments...but now that we're no longer together, he's still paying me back, but I don't want him to! I don't know why it's getting to me so much...but I kind of feel like when he pays it off completely, our friendship will be over and I will never hear from him again. Moreover, I always thought of that particular sum of money as "our" money, not mine or his, and never really wanted him to pay me back...but he was even talking about paying me back with interest!

How do I tell him that I don't want the rest of the money without offending him (he has a strong sense of responsibility and wants to make things even, and it was difficult for him to accept the money in the first place)??? I would do the same thing in his place, of course, I hate owing people money, especially if it's a large sum...but I feel like I'm receiving alimony...Is there any way to get him to stop? I don't want money tainting our post-breakup relationship! (Which has been fairly good so far, and I'm still harboring some hope for reconciliation...)

If you don't feel like you're enjoying college life, I don't see a problem with living at home at all. Unless your dad is really restrictive, you should still be able to hang out with friends, etc. You have the rest of your life to get your own place, might as well save some money on housing while you can. Maybe later you can use what you will have saved to get a single apartment. And I totally understand not wanting to live with random people (BAAAAAAAD roommate experience freshman year, yuck!) -- that's why I'm staying at home!

You have a good point; however, oftentimes people can't transfer their mental image to paper. Kind of like knowing what you want to say, but not being able to put it into words, or knowing a song but not being able to sing it because your voice isn't set. Memory is definitely important, but regular practice helps you channel it through your hand onto paper (or canvas). It really takes talent to be able to draw what you see without practicing (you lucky duck!). But you're right, who cares how you hold the brush or what strokes you make? It's a matter of personal taste, and as long as the result is what you like, all is good.

Practice, practice, practice. I don't do art anymore, but when I did, it helped immensely to do really quick gesture drawings and gradually flesh out from there. I've always been told to try and capture the essense with the minimal amount of lines before actually bothering with refining the features (vigorous, loose sketching is my best friend!). A lot of students I knew would focus on too much detail right away and lose the overall balance of the figure or the face.

As far as books...a lot of instruction manuals are fairly useless, they do a good job of covering the supplies and how to buy them, but not technique. I agree with the previous comment about sketching from magazines. Also, look at works by the great masters, focusing on drawings, sketches and studies rather than paintings. There are plenty of art albums that showcase things like that. It really helps to see what linework there is underneath their masterpieces!

Good luck! (What medium do you work in, by the way?)

The eyes really do reveal a lot. Sometimes they're smiling even if the lips aren't. And I've noticed that people in love have this really gentle smile that they "reserve" for each other...and that kind of smile is different from the usual happy or friendly smile that you'd have around others.

I'm really no in any position to offer proper advice, but here's another take on the situation, for all it's worth. I was always the kind of girl who thought I needed to date around before settling down with one person for the rest of my life -- in fact, I didn't know if I COULD settle down with one person. So when I fell head over heels in love and realized that I could actually see myself marrying my boyfriend, I became stubborn like a mule and went into massive denial. I did everything I could do do scare myself away from the idea of commitment and marriage (thinking about how romance fades away, how kids are awful, how pregnancy is...eeek!). I argued like a lawyer when my manager said that you should only "date to mate." And so on.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that maybe she's not willing to admit (both to you AND to herself) that she might possibly want to be in it for the long haul. That's not to give you any false hopes or anything...just an idea.

You say that he was a lousy boyfriend and wasn't always honest with you...then why do you want him in your life? Time will bring somebody better...and the only way this guy will be in your life is as a memory. Don't let guilt get the best of you!

I went to see a movie with my ex today, and afterwards we talked a little about people changing/not changing and such...and about how it's never stupid of someone to have hope...and somewhere in the middle of the conversation, being the honest person that I am, I dropped the O-bomb on him. I told him that I was OPTIMISTIC about things. Ooooh boy, was he shocked -- he basically thought he was talking to a completely different person from the girl who cried on his shoulder two days after the breakup. I think it was the good kind of shock, too...After he regained his composure, he told me that yes, optimism is key, along with confidence, and that together the two things can work marvels. Heehee

And if my optimism does nothing to bring him back (I'll let you know if it works), it will help me do better in general. And declaring it with a grin on my face made me even more optimistic. So smile, be happy, hope for the best, and who knows what might happen?

Down with pessimism!!!!!!! (If only I had known that before the breakup...)

I probably value my academic ability above all, but if we're talking about physical characteristics...I'd have to say my feet. They are big, but slender with long toes...and look awesome in high heels

Thanks, it's reassuring to hear positive takes on our situation I'll keep on chugging along with a smile on my face...and improving myself in the meantime so that my next relationship (crossing my fingers that it's with him) will be stronger. And I guess after two years it's natural for the chemistry to fade somewhat, so I'll give my best effort to try and work things out...hope he'll understand and do the same!

Amen, Jayar. If your SO dumped you because they thought you didn't care about them anymore...going NC will just reaffirm their hypothesis.

Sorry for the long post, guys...My boyfriend of two years called things off recently (loving feeling gone). Now I'm wondering how to interpret the fact that he wants to hang out on our would-be anniversary (in a week), and actually reminded me that we need to make plans for that. Then, he wants to explore the college campus together (he transferred to my school) and says that it will "give us a chance to see each other." Also, there was a fundraiser that he organized two days ago, and I decided to attend just to have fun and catch up with old friends (yes, and to see him). However, it was clearly difficult for me to be there as his friend and not his girlfriend, despite the fact that he still gave me hugs and smiled at me and all, and he seemed to notice that. So afterwards he sent me a message saying that I looked uncomfortable at times, that he feels like a total jerk and hopes that I had at least some fun, and that it was nice to see me there. He ended his message with "anyway, i guess ill stop now....contact me on ur ideas about the movie...and we'll figure it out around our schedules.....and i need to give u my class schedule!" Yesterday he called me to say that he has two days off this week, if I want to watch it then.

Is it completely dumb of me to hope that this is a "break" rather than a breakup? I know for a fact that there's nobody else...and could it be that if we spend time together and have fun (I'm NOT planning on crying on his shoulder, no way!) he'll be willing to give things another shot? Here's a little list of the reasons for the breakup, with my thoughts on them...

1. He says this was 90% of it. He felt like I didn't care, because I was too "restrictive" with our schedules, due to things like work (I would always agree to take other people's shifts even if that meant not having the day off), and not wanting to stay out too late for fear of looking trashy and irresponsible to his parents (we're both 20, but still live at home -- and he's the "nice, shy boy," while I'm the "nice, smart girl", so staying out until all kinds of hours is a little...odd?). This is why I don't want to go NC -- I guess it's LC right now, I'm doing my best to avoid acting clingy and desperate. I'm wondering if I make time for him and take certain risks with my schedule, he'll see that I really am willing to make the effort to spend time with the person who's most important to me, whereas if I go NC, he'll think that I really don't care at all. The ironic thing is, now that we're no longer together, my work schedule is much more conducive to hanging out...

2. Physical things. Since both of us live at home, it's hard to find enough privacy to engage in certain romantic acts. Things were great when I was living in a different state and he came to visit, and things were great when his parents were out of town and I could come over...But basically, we can't go past a certain point unless we have complete and total privacy, which we haven't had in a while. Not to sound shallow...but we both acknowledge the fact that lack of physical intimacy contributed to the breakup. Any ideas on how people deal with that kind of problem -- either in this relationship, should it return, or in future ones? And it's not the lack of physical attraction that I'm talking about, it's the inability to act on it due to our surroundings.

3. My pessimism. Pretty self-explanatory. I admit that I would always see the future as "Oh, we won't have any time to see each other, we both have school, I work, you work...this sucks." I know that got to him. But right now I'm so willing to put in the effort to make things work if he gives us another chance! Is it possible that he will once he sees that I am optimistic about getting him back and making time for each other? How do I go about proving that to him?

4. He is very dedicated to family values and sports. I'm not...or so he thinks. When we first met, I didn't care one bit for sports, and I always thought that career was more important than family. HOWEVER, my values have changed in the last two years...but he doesn't know it. I did not change them for him, of course...but I matured, had some experiences...and saw how important family is to some people, which made me realize that yes, I want to have a loving caring family that will be the most valuable thing in my life. But I'm stubborn as a mule and refused to acknowledge or show the fact that I changed, so I tried to scare myself out of the concept of family, if that makes any sense. I tried to convince myself that babies are evil, that once you're married, your life is ruined, etc. simply because I didn't want to admit to myself that now I place family above career. Same with sports, after going to a school with an awesome basketball program, I became sort of interested...to the point of spending six weeks in a tent to get into a game. But once again, I was stubborn, and when he suggested attending a few games together next year, I said that I didn't want to waste my time with something so pointless and stupid (I did...I just didn't want to admit it.) If he tried to teach me some things about sports, I would flat out refuse, because I didn't want to show my interest in something that I previously hated. I know things like that upset him. So...Do I tell him all these things? But if I do, will it make me look like I changed my values and interests for him, which I definitely didn't (if he thinks I did, it's a lost cause, he always told me that I should be myself and no one else, and that changing to fit other people's standards is a sign of weakness)? But if I somehow make him realize that I don't hate the two things that are so important to him and that, in fact, I kind of like them, will it give us hope?

Once again, sorry for the long post...but any advice is greatly appreciated. This guy is really a treasure, he always believed in me and made me a stronger, more confident person (to the point that his breaking up with me did NOT shatter my self-esteem and make me feel worthless...which, unfortunately, seems to happen with a lot of people post-breakup). I know that life will go on with or without him, but I have yet to see another real-life relationship where the guy is so honest, caring, supportive, etc., let alone hope to find one for myself. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I want him back...