laboheme

^ Very good point, and I do intend to make my intentions very clear. The last thing I want is a relationship where the guy can't be himself or do what he likes because I disapprove of it. So yes, my opinions on the subject have to come out right away. If he doesn't respect them, then bye-bye, maybe we can just be friends?

A certain something triggered it yesterday...and I called him to let him know that I'd like to talk to him today. We met up and talked for almost two hours...during which it was established that over the last three months my chances have been getting worse and worse (because he felt like he couldn't talk to me about anything but our relationship), and that right now there are no chances whatsoever. He has no feelings for me, and lately he hasn't been thinking about the good times that we used to have.

I told him I need to do NC. He agreed that it's probably the best course of action -- however, he thought it didn't need to be as extreme as ignoring each other in class (we'll see how I handle that one). As far as the games that we were going to go to, he picked three that were over a month away, and told me that I didn't have to go with him if I feel that I can't handle it.

Then, admittedly, a very embarrassing teary-eyed farewell. I wished him all the best in life, told him that I hope he finds happiness...all that. I even went as far as a few farewell hugs and kisses, which he didn't reciprocate. I told him I loved him...and he said that I need to work on that. When I said I can't believe I have to give up on him, he responded that I should think of it as moving on instead and that I'll find somebody better. According to him, I should try to forget the idea of a second chance. And after my final melodramatic "goodbye...forever," his "yes, in a way."

I can't believe that he is gone from my life forever. I've been ruining my chances over the last three months...and now it's over for good. I don't know how NC is going to hold up due to class and all...but now I know for sure that I have no chance. On to destroying the photographs, letters and gifts, I suppose...

Female, 20.

1) How long during dating did you wait to have intercourse with someone?

Forever. We never got to that point...

1B) Were you having "almost" intercourse instead? (oral sex or anything that involves stimulation down yonder) How long for that?

Yes, after about a year.

1C) Edited to Add: did you have a hard time waiting, or does it come easy to you?

Waiting was not a problem at all.

2) Did you discuss and/or demand to be exclusive first?

It was blatantly obvious that we were exclusive, we talked about that well before our relationship got physical.

3) Has your policy changed over the years? If so, why?

Nope. I'm still gonna wait for a long time...

4) Does your policy differ in regards to: a) I am looking for a serious relationship and feel my date is a potential long-term partner

Side note: I need to be established enough in life so that if there's an "accident," my life won't fall apart.

5) If you had sex early on in the dating, why did you do it?

N/A

5B) Did the relationship last long?

Almost 2 years.

This must be really hard on you...But there is no reason for you to stay in the realtionship. I think you did the right thing by giving it a chance and not jumping ship right away, but you can't keep this up. You deserve to be with somebody you love, and he deserves to be with somebody who loves him.

Yes, it's going to hurt a lot when you tell him that things are over. But it's going to be for the best, for both of you. If you try to help him realize that ultimately both of you are going to be hurt more by staying in a one-sided relationship, that could potentially ease some of your guilt. Keep telling him that...and keep telling yourself that. Yes, ultimately you're doing this for your own happiness, but in a way you're preventing him from more hurt and heartbreak. If you think about it that way, it might make you feel less selfish (which you shouldn't in the first place, but I realize that guilt is a powerful emotion).

Best wishes to you...

anyways, i have mentioned it to her befoure about wanting to kiss her, and she told me that if the moment was right, we could kiss

So wait for the right moment! Sometime when you're hanging out alone...there might be something especially tender in the atmosphere

And don't use that line! When you say something like that, it's just...silly. Honestly, if you're nervous, it will show in other ways -- so no need to emphasize it by telling her you're not sure about your skill! That said, if you really want to preface a kiss with some kind of statement (to give her a warning?), you can say something like, "I gotta go soon, but I can't bring myself to leave until..." Then kiss. Bam.

Who broke up with whom here? What I gathered from your post is that both of you are hurting quite a bit, so I can't quite tell who the dumper is. So, two possible situations:

If HE was the dumper, do exactly what rose2summer said, she knows what she's talking about Implementing the No Contact rule will help you get over him in time.

If YOU were the dumper...well, tell us if you were, and I'll check back and post my opinions on that subject (you probably don't want to hear those if you were the dumpee).

Hang in there!

Not sure right now. I think we're staying friends, but if it hurts too much, or if I feel like my friendship isn't valuable to him, I'll call it off.

And my emotions are far from dried up. I'm just hoping that I can show him the old, fun side of me...

so what do you think laboheme?

Well, it is reassuring to know that you thinks guys like that do exist, although it's painfully obvious that they are hard to find. Thanks for providing some examples!

As far as control goes, I'm not saying that I expect a guy to drop everything he enjoys doing because of me. I never said anything about wanting a guy who won't hang out with his friends just because he has me! Or giving up sports, or anything other activity he enjoys. And while it might have sounded like it, I actually don't have a cookie-cutter list all made out! I like to think that I'm quite flexible on many things! Honestly, I can't even think of the ideal physical type, the ideal interests (as long as he has SOME interests!) or his ideal profession...never even thought about why those would matter (although I admit that if the guy I'm dating ends up being a scientist, my dad will steal him away from me and make him into his little minion/partner in crime, haha. And then make me breed mad scientist children with him. Doesn't mean I would automatically rule out scientists though -- just keep them away from my daddy!)

And I'm not denying the possibility of me falling in love with someone who doesn't match those two basic requirements. However, what do you say to a person who is madly in love, but...they don't want kids, while their partner does? Chances are, you'll tell them to end the relationship, no matter how much they love their partner, because they will not be able to have a happy family together. And in my case, the clean lifestyle issue is as important as having/not having kids, for quite a few reasons. It would just be a dealbreaker. (As for the sex issue, well, that will be resolved with the right combination of a guy's low libido, a committed relationship, and compromise on what I can do for him while we wait for me to be in a place where an "accident" wouldn't ruin my life and career.)

But I guess going to one of the top party schools in the nation is not exactly conducive to finding what I want...

(And Sheyda -- you're a lucky gal to have a guy like that!)

Ooh, that sounds like me. I got accepted to a wonderful school and went there my freshman year...and boy, oh boy, was it expensive. I am now back in my homestate and loving my school here. Honestly, the classes aren't much different at all; the rank of the school is just a label, there are great professors in both places, and if you're a good student, you will excel anywhere.

I think it's possible to take a semester's leave of absense from a school...My old roommate did that (she also transferred to UF, by the way, and loves it) to leave the door open in case she wanted to come back. Does Auburn offer that opportunity?

And do you really want to transfer next semester? In your situation, I would transfer next year, that way you'll know for sure if you get in or not before packing your bags. Plus, another semester at Auburn might help you decide whether or not you want to transfer (maybe you start hating it with a passion, or maybe you'll fall in love with it and decide that it's worth the money).

Good luck!

If asking her straight up seems too be a little daunting, why not ask her on a date-ish activity? Just the two of you, of course. See how she reacts.

Or you could make a joke about how your friends refer to you guys as a couple. Her response to that could potentially reveal a lot...

I'm afraid that one week NC is not nearly enough. It's one thing if during the week she has been giving you signs of wanting to work on the relationship... but that's not the case, is it? If you contact her now, chances are, her feelings will still be the same (i.e. not as strong as before).

Stick with NC for an indefinite period of time...if she wants you back, she'll find a way to let you know. Or, if after months and months of NC you feel like you still want her in your life, give it a shot and contact her then. But for now, try to stay busy and not get your hopes up.

Hang in there!

Glad to hear that he called! And you're right, let him chase you, since you're the catch, not him!

However, be careful to not overdo it. If after a while, you still don't initiate contact and let him make all the first moves, he might get the wrong idea and sort of...give up. If things keep going well, give him a special treat for being a good boy and call him first. But for now, what you're doing sounds good.

I don't think it's abnormal in any way...

Not all people are religious or spiritual. I don't think that anyone is automatically supposed to feel that "spirit" that you talk about. If they do and it's important to them, it's wonderful. But if they don't, there's nothing wrong with that (although some people do try to make you think otherwise.) But I guess the main question here is, do you feel like something essential is missing because you don't have that intense spiritual feeling?

If you don't feel incomplete without that feeling and are perfectly content with your emotional life, but simply think that you need to feel it because a lot of other people do...I say don't worry about it. However, if you're wondering about religion and spirituality in general, or if you feel a sort of void...You can try looking at this thread (which I started a while ago, haha), people have some good suggestions.

As far as girls...you're still young!!! Yes, it's a tough situation to be in, there were plenty of times when I felt like I was the only one not in a happy relationship...but it's perfectly normal to not have that one person that you "click" with until you're older...Just because you don't get a strong feeling with the girls that you went on dates with doesn't mean that you can't have that strong feeling in general! You yourself said that you cared for two girls and that you lust over some others...that implies feeling. And honestly, I think that a true spiritual connection with another human being is a rare thing that you can't expect to find at every corner. Give it time...you'll find it someday.

On a related note to Ellie's post...I feel so much more in control now that I've become old-fashioned and started using a checkbook instead of a debit/credit card! Since I have to write out the check, it forces me to record what I'm spending and helps me track my shopping habits. Everything is reflected in my checkbook register, I love it! Who really records what they put on a debit/credit card anyway?

1. Book smart.

2. Ambitious (sometimes overly so).

3. Independent (sometimes overly so, again).

4. Opinionated, yet open-minded

5. Organized...for the most part.

My wife has outright said that she doesn't take care of herself physically or care much for her appearance because she knows I am not picky about that stuff. This is true, but I am not a total saint and would like her to dress nice once in awhile so I can enjoy her appearance.

Gosh, what a horrible thing of her to say. That's how relationships get stale, when no effort is made...Is her illness preventing her from taking care of herself?

Too bad telling her that you'd like her to make a little effort will not get you anywhere. How about getting her a small feminine present: nailpolish, lipstick, etc.? If it seems obvious that you're bribing her to dress up, you can always just say that they were giving out samples and you thought she might have fun with them...

As far as you being the support, I really hope you resolve that problem soon! I'm assuming that you don't have children yet...have you talked about having them in the future? It will be incredibly hard for you to take care of her and them...But then again, maybe once she has kids to think about, she won't need as much support from you? (Don't have kids just to test that hypothesis though!!!)

How did the relationship end? Who dumped who?

If your ultimate goal is to get back together (using a makeout session to rekindle the spark), don't do it. I'd rather have an ex take it slow than throw himself at me.

Don't want to give you false hope, but yes, things like that can happen, especially if it was a matter of moving too fast. If there was no attraction, I'd say the chances are pretty slim though...

Do you guys talk a lot at school? Do you see each other outside of school as friends at all?

I'm sorry that your friend is having trouble...It's really nice of you to be concerned about her...You say she already knows you're willing to help if she needs it, but here's the key: don't wait for her to ask for help, just do it! Pay attention to what she needs to do on a regular basis, and help her out with that. "What can I do for you?" is a bad question, she may not even know herself, and she might feel guilty asking you to do something specific. But if you say "I noticed ____, would you like me to (concrete action) for you?" it's easier for her to accept your help. If she doesn't have the time/desire to get lunch, get it for her. If she has a dog, offer to take it out for a walk. Return her library books for her. Not to say that any of those situations apply to her, but little everyday things like that are very helpful.

Also, you might want to try exploring different options in case she does get kicked out of the house. You don't necessarily have to talk to her about it yet, but think about possible arrangements, so if it does happen, you'll be prepared to suggest them to her.

And make sure to really listen to her...Some people want lots of company when they're having a rough time; others want more space. Try to figure out what she wants so that you're not overbearingly helpful, but always be available, which I'm sure you are...

Not to accuse you of not doing this, but...

WASH like your life depends on it. And once you do, DRY DRY DRY. All the washing in the world won't help if your feet are moist when you put your shoes on. Use an antibacterial foot wash, scrub those toes...

Then, make sure that you change your socks often, and wear only cotton ones, not synthetic! Leave your shoes off as much as you can to provide ventilation. And try to mix up the shoes that you wear so that they have time to air out -- a lot of the smell actually comes from the socks and the shoes, not the feet!

And there are sprays that you can use on your shoes and on your feet to prevent sweating and smells. Look in the store...and I'd opt for a more powdery one -- or else supplement them with a little bit of baby powder...zaps the sweat right out.

I'm trying to convince myself that there are more worthy guys out there that I could potentially start a relationship with (not right now, of course!!! But after my current situation is, well, over). Yes, I want all the classic characteristics of a good boyfriend. Caring, attentive...Duh. Won't go into that. Yes, some guys are jerks, but I know that truly nice guys do exist. But here's the dilemma (some people may consider these requirements a little shallow, but they are important to me, and I will not cave on them):

In addition to the obvious "good" traits, I want the guy to lead a very clean lifestyle...For example, no drinking. It's quite a big deal to me. I would tolerate maaaaaaybe a glass of wine or a beer, but even then...very reluctantly. It would cause a lot of spats, because ideally, I would not want him to drink at all. No smoking, no drugs goes without saying. And since sex is an important issue nowadays, I need someone who shares my views on it -- which are hard to explain, but they boil down to no sex for a really long time (and marriage has nothing to do with it!)

But it seems that most guys like that are quite religious. Which means they wouldn't tolerate little agnostic me. As a friend, sure, but as a serious girlfriend, no. I'm not against religion, of course...things just wouldn't work with a person who, if he had a family, would want the whole family to be religious instead of just him.

So, can I try and console myself with the fact that guys like that exist??? I know at least one who does (The Ex), but should he be considered a rare and endangered species?

The ballroom thing...So sweeeeeeeet! You lucky duck.

I think it's definitely a hint, yes. I've heard of guys doing things like that to sort of ease themselves into saying it in all seriousness. I remember jokingly telling my ex that I hate him, to which he "jokingly" replied that yup, he loves me too. After that, it wasn't too long until he said it seriously.

Hope you hear those words soon!!!

In a lot of situations, cutting all contact is very helpful to healing and moving on, and checking in with them only sets you back...BUT since it's been several years and you're still not entirely over things, I don't think it can get much worse. Like hosswhispra said, in the worst case scenario, she's moved on -- and by finding that out you didn't really lose anything, just got a solid answer. Take a chance! Worst comes to worst, you won't have to contact her again after that...

Yes, ignoring him is probably the easiest way to keep sane. However, if he starts taking it overboard (for example, starting to touch her), then it's a different issue, one that will require a direct confrontation.

If your girlfriend is as bothered by it as you are (the fact that she told you about the comments is a good sign, I think), she can try blocking him...removing him from her friends list. Then he won't be able to pester her online, at least...

Ooh, I wish kellbell would answer this one...I remember her talking about her experience with lack of attraction...but I can't find the thread

If you aren't attracted to the person, I think the fair thing to do is to break things off, whatever those "things" may be. If over the course of a whole week you didn't feel anything, I think it's a good indication...Sometimes, no matter how much we want to, we can't force ourselves to be attracted to someone. I personally don't think it's fair to try and keep things going if you're not into it.

However, if for whatever reason you want to give him a chance, start out really slow. Don't focus on the romantic/sexual aspects at all, just keep it low key and see if you enjoy his company in a strictly platonic way. If you do, maybe some tension will build up...or maybe both of you realize that you don't want anything more than friendship after all.