laboheme

Everybody here agrees that this environment will not benefit your child's upbringing, but it's still tempting to stay together for your son's sake, so that he has a father...I understand that. But here's another viewpoint: how old is your son? Yes, being separated from your biological parent almost always leaves a mark regardless of age, but if your son is still very young, it will be much easier to cope with that now. If you stay in the relationship longer and he grows up...not only will you suffer during that time, but if you end it down the road, it will be that much harder for your son to come to terms with your separation.

Can't make that assumption, sorry. Unless we're talking about an abnormally small/large member, size doesn't matter, it's how you use it...and stamina is something that can be worked on in a lot of cases. Plus, even if there isn't much stamina, there are other ways of going about things...

So it really does all boil down to the man, not the member.

I'm not even going to try to address the great debate...

I don't think the issue at hand is whether the OP was molested or raped. What the teacher did was wrong, we all seem to agree on that. It doesn't seem like anyone's going to press charges, so we don't even need to discuss the legal repercussions (which vary by state anyway and may have changed in the last 20 years). Given that this happened a long time ago, it's hard to judge whether the relationship was truly consensual or whether it was a type of coercion/seduction. I really don't think that trying to categorize the experience as rape, molestation, or simply bad judgment is necessary.

The issue at hand is, how to deal with it today?

Have you openly talked about your experience with others? Your family? Your husband? A therapist? Your concern for your children is very understandable, but the fact that you went through this actually gives you an advantage. So many people don't consider the dangers of student/teacher relationships and let their kids go to school unprepared for that kind of situation, despite news articles. You know that's not going to be the case with you!

It is VERY important to talk to your children about situations like this -- although you don't necessarily have to mention that you've experienced them firsthand. Make sure they know where to draw the line between a good, caring teacher and an overly attentive one, what behaviors to watch for. Make sure they know that certain things are taboo! Talk to them about their teachers, go to parent-teacher conferences...You may not be the only one with these concerns, so talk to their friends' parents as well -- they may know something about the school/teachers that you don't. Just be careful to not get too overprotective -- instead try to instill good judgment in them so that they know how to recognize a bad situation. (And this goes for any kind of inappropriate sexual relationship, not just student/teacher!)

Perhaps knowing that you're helping your children avoid making the same mistake will help you get rid of your personal demons...And perhaps there's a larger group effort to monitor teachers' behavior that you can get involved with so that you're helping others as well...

I'm sorry that you're in this situation...and the solution seems to be quite clear to me. You said you just want to pack up and move away with you baby...and that's what you should do. As committed as you may be to making it work, he has repeatedly shown you that he does not have the same kind of committment. Who leaves a counseling session unfinished because he has to go??? Your physical and emotional health is in danger, and you say you're losing your sense of self...Honey, you deserve so much better than him!

Do you have a place to go if you walk out of his life? Friends, family? Anyone who can help you raise your child? I personally don't think it's worth it to even have this guy in your life for the sake of your baby having a biological father...The sooner you say goodbye to him, the sooner you'll be able to find someone who will love you AND your baby!

Also, do you think he is the type of guy who would violently come after you if you just took off? If yes, make sure to explore any options for legal protection as soon as you can. And if you think you'll be safe, don't wait any longer, walk out...You've given him enough chances, and he wasted all of them. Time to reclaim your own life.

Best of luck!

I do think he doesn't care about the same things I care about. And I wish he'd talk about what he cares about, at least! But then, keep in mind, these are hobbies and interests, not day to day stuff and personal issues.

Is he maybe afraid of boring you by talking about things that you don't know much about? Have you shown an interest in his hobbies? (I'm not talking doing massive research and becoming an expert on a subject, but more of a...trying to understand them.) I don't care much about sports, for example, but my ex did...and while I wouldn't be caught dead watching the SuperBowl, I'd ask him very basic questions about the games, etc. He actually enjoyed explaining some things to little ignorant me.

How do you usually go about trying to get him to talk about things?

Thanks, ladies...I took a deep breath and did not break the plans. Didn't want to eliminate an opportunity to see him.

Class was awkward, but he suggested studying at his house during our three-hour break in the middle of the day. His classes get out earlier, so he waited for me in his car for a good half hour. The drive to his house was awkward, the conversation consisted mostly of me asking questions and him answering...And when we had lunch at his house, we sat on different couches But then we relaxed a bit, there was some teasing involved (okay, a lot of teasing)...He was actually smiling and laughing! It's been a while! And when we got tired of studying, we lay down on the floor side by side and looked at some pictures of mutual friends. No physical contact though

Also, we weren't in his room, but as we walked by, I noticed that one of the drawings I gave him while we were dating was still on his dresser (didn't get a chance to see if the other ones were there).

And I didn't do my patented passive-aggressive thing! Score: me - 1, evil alter-ego - 0...

First of all, I don't think faking the friendship is a good idea. I would normally advocate dealing with serious relationship issues in person, but in your case I think it may be advantageous to casually bring it up in an email. That way, he won't be pressured to reply immediately, and in case he rejects the idea, you won't find yourself in one of those dreaded teary-eyed face-to-face conversations. Also, it will be much easier to cut contact and start moving on, and you won't have to feel the anxiety that you're feeling now. And in the event that he is considering the idea (and if it's just the pressure of long distance that caused the breakup, he might be open to reconciling), you can slowly start building up your relationship over email -- it's a great exercise in communication!!!

Regardless of what you decide to do, good luck!

Wow, what a rollercoaster relationship...I've looked at the books that kellbell recommended and they are excellent for moving on from your ex, which is exactly what you need to do right now.

And a quick and easy trick that I've learned as far as contacting him: on your phone, under his number, program DO NOT CALL, JERK ALERT, or something along those lines to remind yourself that you should not be calling or texting! And keep yourself busy, don't leave yourself a lot of time to think about him...It will take time, but you will move on...

We're in the same class and have a test this week, so we decided that we'd get together to study either today or tomorrow. I asked him to tell me in advance so that I know to drive to class that day...and was obviously freaking out when he didn't get back to me this weekend. So today he sends me a message that we'll do it tomorrow, possibly at two different times, because he has a big project that he has to work on tonight (and those stupid projects are very time-consuming). My predictions for the situation:

He'll stay up late working, sleep in tomorrow morning, and walk in right before class starts. I'll be upset because we won't get a chance to talk before class, while he'll be tired and not talkative. I'll take it personally and will start doing my little passive-aggressive thing and acting all hurt, which will aggravate him. By the time we get together to study, I'll be too frustrated to act friendly and cute (i.e. attractive), and even if we do manage to get some studying done, my plan of watching a movie afterwards will not work because both of us will be in a bad mood and he will surely need to catch up on his sleep. Not going to be a good day, and we'll end up drifting apart instead of getting closer.

So, should I reply to him and say that I have plans and can't study tomorrow? Or will that look like I'm purposely trying to avoid and frustrate him? Should I just be on my best behavior in the morning and hope that things work out? I'm just too afraid of things getting worse and ruining any slim chances that I might have in the future...but at the same time, I'll take any excuse I can get to see him and potentially have a good time together.

PS. I couldn't care less about the studying itself, I've got the material down pat, not worried about the exam at all.

I second what everybody said. Just because somebody isn't wearing a ring doesn't mean that that ring isn't already in the guy's pocket, all ready to go...Plus, some people just don't wear rings, even if they are happily married.

Of course, then you have those people who take their rings off so that they can have their fun...And those who have their fun without even bothering to take it off. So no, the ring (or the absense thereof) isn't a reliable indicator.

And they don't even have to be in a committed relationship! Maybe they just don't want to date! They're still not fair game then...

Well, she basically lied to you. If you tell someone that you want space because of school/college apps, you don't use the extra time to go out with somebody else. My guess is, she was interested in the other guy all along, but wanted to use a more acceptable excuse to break up with you. You say you're pretty much over her. It's for the better. Don't let her get to you, and don't come crawling back to her. You deserve someone who wil at least be honest about their reasons.

Trying to see things from her point of view, it's tough to dedicate yourself completely to a relationship and feel that the other person doesn't like you as much as you like him...I think it's natural to get a little frustrated.

As far as your situation...you said that you got "back together" and she's still spending time with the guy? The whole thing seems unclear to me. Did she explicitly state that you're back together and she's not going to see him anymore? Just telling you that she's not having sex with him (she might be telling the truth there) doesn't really mean anything as far as her wanting a committed relationship with you. Before you started ignoring her, did you have a talk about where the two of you are in the breakup/relationship exactly???

I think Rose means that she knows you have feelings for her, and thereforeeee can get many things from you very easily: emotional support, hugs and kisses, etc. She just senses that you'd be very willing to act like her boyfriend...while she's free to do whatever she wants and not reciprocate everything that you'd do for her. Maybe you'll comfort her after a rough situation, or both of you will share an intimate moment again...and the next day she'll be with a different guy, telling you that you weren't dating. You'd just be making yourself vulnerable with no payoff.

If you've had enough, you've had enough. Congrats on making a decision.

I say, don't think about it too much. Say what comes naturally. Acting confident and happy is enough, if you try to perfectly plan out your answers on top of that, you'll come off looking fake. Usually not a good thing. Just be brief and don't go into details. End the conversation before you get to the juicy part

And I tend to disagree with the above poster on asking her why she cares. Something like that sounds mean...and if you want her back, being mean and sarcastic probably is not the way to go.

Being that most of us who are on this board are the dumpee... Have you people ever thought about the things that you did in the relationship that contributed to the problems that lead to the breakup? Shouldnt you be focusing on yourself which is something you can change, vs something you cant?

If I understand your point correctly, there's a discussion of that on this thread:

And as far as people not coming back to tell their tales of reconciliation...if I ever do get another chance with my ex (wishing, praying, hoping), I'll be sure to let you guys know. I won't be able to keep the joyous news to myself, haha.

Don't worry about making your best life friends in college. I've heard that so many times...and I don't think it's right. I barely stay in touch with people from high school, I don't stay in touch with anyone from my old college, and yet I'm content. After college, people move away...go to grad school, get jobs in other cities, get married, have kids...and ultimately drift apart. I feel like I'll find my real friends through my career (once I have one), and through my future family (parents of kids' friends, etc.). Unless my college friends end up living in the same city with me, I have no intention of flying to see them on a regular basis...So yeah. There goes the whole idea of making the friends you'll have the rest of your life in college.

Also, if you're forcing yourself to fit in, it's natural to dislike the people you're trying to fit in with. Trying too hard to make friends usually doesn't work out. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to meet friends, instead focus on doing things that you enjoy doing alone, and you might open some doors that way. Maybe try to form some bonds with coworkers? And remember that some people don't like being in large groups and only have a couple of close friends, and they are perfecty content with that. You don't need to be the life of the party to be happy with your social life.

And hey, wanna start a "cynical and negative" club with little pessimistic me?

I personally think its not wise to start NC until there has been only positive communication for a while. You can do NC to cool down when things are really negative right after a breakup but then I think you should break the NC and establish something really positive before resuming NC. The dumper should definitely feel like they can contact you. Youre just not after them.

I like that way of looking at it. If the breakup was fairly amicable, of course -- no cheating, abuse, etc. I feel like it's important for the other person to know that NC is not being done as the "silent treatment," as a form of revenge. Unfortuantely, it seems like it's easy to misinterpret someone doing NC for their own sake and for the sake of moving on, and instead see it as the dumpee saying, "FINE, BE THAT WAY, see if I ever talk to you again." So if there are still feelings...it should be made clear that NC is for healing, not for being spiteful...

He'd then not give news for a day or two and Id get upset and react like a very mean b*tch everytime...normal in a way yet not very mature!

 

I told him ok fine he told me, as long as you dont become bitcy with me within the next two days.

Speaking from experience, acting up is one of the worst things you can do...Yes, it hurts when you have a good time and then not hear from him for a while. The next time you see him, it's very tempting to be mean and scold him for not contacting you. But instead...try to smile and act like you're glad that you're talking to him, not like you're upset that you didn't talk sooner. Being b**chy is not going to help your communication any. It seems that both of you see that it's a problem...maybe it's what's pushing him away.

I'm in the same boat, and I think that controlling one's temper in difficult situations, where acting up seems to come naturally, will help things in the long run, regardless of who it's with...

I definitely agree with kellbell that it's cruel and heartless, but I can definitely see some girls doing that. Maybe they want the guy to chase them again, maybe they want to have more power in the relationship...Maybe if they call things off and see that the guy is on his knees begging to be taken back, it makes them feel wanted and needed? And it could be used as a test...

Of course, the guy may well decide that the breakup was good after all and that he deserves a better girl who won't play mind games with him. In which case, good for him, and serves her right.

Hey, 10 pounds is a lot! And it sounds like you did it in a healthy way over a period of time, too! Congrats on making progress

There's no set time after which you're considered to be needy and clingy. Each relationship is different. My ex and I called each other every day, and sometimes we'd talk for well over an hour. Of course, if we saw each other that day, the phone time would be considerably less...

The best thing to do is to not try to force the conversation -- that's where you begin to cross the line between affectionate and clingy. If there start to be awkward pauses, or you completely run out of things to talk about, it's perfectly okay to say your goodbyes and hang up. In fact, if you desperately search for a topic to discuss...that's clingy. But if the conversation flows naturally for hours and hours until the phone battery dies, what's the problem?

I'm not the best person to give advice on this, since my ex and I are still not back together , but...I personally don't agree with the argument she gave you of the breakup helping to decide if you are the ones for each other.

That said, however, I would not recommend calling. I think it's okay to pick up every once in a while when she calls (not every time though!), but make the conversations brief, end it on your terms, not hers (meaning, don't wait for her to say goodbye, be the one to tell her that you have to go do X or Y). Speaking from experience, if conversations are too long, they tend to become melodramatic -- I, for one, start crying, and that doesn't exactly inspire the other person to continue talking. So end on a happy note.

However, if your ultimate goal is to get over her and move on...then yes. Strict no contact. Keeping in touch hurts, especially if they are out there looking for other people. If you're planning to cut her out of your life completely, there's nothing wrong with pretending like you don't care and ignoring her -- after all, you'll never have to see her again if you don't want to.

Hang in there!

I want a fairly sleek house (I like modern furniture, ha!) with a husband who's really involved with raising our two kids (I'm in charge of their academic progress though!!!)...And we'd have a dog. No soccer mom friends for me though, my social life would most likely be at work. I'd be doing a lot of research on my own at home, too. The preferred pasttime would be going to theaters AND basketball games...

I would definitely say hi, and ask her how her studies are going (in a nice way, not a bitter you-dumped-me-for-your-SATs tone). Also, if this is an amicable "break" rather than an "I don't care about you one bit" breakup, you could try giving her a good luck card and/or a little care package (put in plenty of caffeine for those longs night of filling out college apps!). Don't make a big deal out of it though, have it be one of those "I'm thinking of you" gestures. Maybe just leave it by her door.

And DON'T call her. It really is a stressful time, and she won't appreciate getting interrupted (this is why if you do anything, make it inobtrusive). Let her be for now.

I admire the fact that you're standing up to the guy, but you don't want to look like the kind of boyfriend who feels threatened by his actions. If you act secure and confident, as though you know his flirting won't get him anywhere, it won't be nearly as much fun for him to try to make you jealous.

How does your girlfriend respond to the flirting? Has she asked him to stop? If you're doing this to stand up for her (not just to remove his competition), why don't you try tackling this together? If all three of you are in the same place, she tells him that she's not inerested and you confirm that you'd like him to stop, that could potentially be more effective than you trying to win the battle by yourself. Teamwork!

In my experience, telling someone hasn't been terribly effective. Once their punishment is carried out, they'll be out for revenge...