things_ive_done

BTW this is the lyrics to the song I keep listening too OVER n OVER n OVER again.... sad...I know.. Damn I Just keep thinking about you (oh Baby) I mean I wanna move on but I can't move on (ohhhh) It's like you have some kind of hold on me and I don't Know (oh ohh oh ohh) But Imma go ahead and talk about it Listen [Verse 1] I'm sitting looking out the window like damn Tryna fix this situation that's at hand You still running through my mind when I'm knowing that you shouldn't be, Me all on yo mind and I'm knowing that it couldn't be Cause you ain't call and I ain't even appalled I still got allot of pain I ain't dealt wit it all I been running round with other chicks, I'm single and they loving it, I'm liking it but I just want the one that I was in love with. That's not the end of it, I'm tryna let you know I can't, Get a grip of it is what I'm tryna let you know. You got a hold or some kind of control of me I don't know what it is, but I gotta get you gone from me I'm working at it and it ain't getting no better just tryna be like, yeah, forget it, whatever Instead of staring out this glass looking at this bad weather, damn I gotta pull myself together Cause... [Chorus - T-Pain] When I'm with somebody, all I think bout is you When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do I miss the smiling faces in my sidekick, Outta town visits, all the time we spent together makes it hard to get you outta my system. You know what you do to me (do to me) You don't even understand (damn) You know what you do to me (do to me) It's so hard to get you outta my system. [Verse 2] I'm too attached, my heart won't let me fall back I got it bad, that's what you can call that (ah) When I see you in the streets, that's the worse for me Used to love the little things you did, that's what works for me It's too major, don't see you on my pager, Know what you doing, where you at, or can I see you later? (Can I see you later?) The fellas telling me 'just let her go Bow', believe me, I'm trying man, I just don't know how (Just don't know how) I be in all the top spots, leaving with the hot shots, knowing they just want me cause I'm in the top spot That's not poppin and my brain aint stopping, thinking Who she with, or where she going, is she club hoppin? I never had this kind of problem in my life, this is my first time dealing with this kind of fight It's every night and every flight and every time you in my sight, Damn this aint even right, cause... [Chorus - T-Pain] When I'm with somebody, all I think bout is you (yeaa) When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do (yeaaaa) I miss the smiling faces in my sidekick, Outta town visits, all the time we spent together makes it hard to get you outta my system. (ohhh) You know what you do to me (do to me) You don't even understand (damn) You know what you do to me (do to me) It's so hard to get you outta my system. [Hook] Is it wrong for me to feel this way, you been running through my mind all day Can you feel me? I been tryna get you off my mind, but I cant after all this time That's what kills me Is it wrong for me to feel this way, you been running through my mind all day Can you feel me? I been tryna get you off my mind, but I cant after all this time And it kills me [Chorus - T-Pain] When I'm with somebody, all I think bout is you When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do I miss the smiling faces in my sidekick, Outta town visits, all the time we spent together makes it hard to get you outta my system. (Hard to get you outtt) You know what you do to me (do to me) You don't even understand (damn) You know what you do to me (do to me) So hard to get you outta my system [speaking] I remember everything that me and you talked about Me and you had our whole lives planned out together (oh ohh oh ohh) And if I could, I would, turn back the hands of time and correct all my mistakes that I ever did But now I guess I gotta move on, right? It's still hard and I still love you till this day Peace.

thats very strange that you must mention that... I find myself going to bed early on a friday or saturday, knowing that my ex will be out later than I will, and I will look for excuses to go to a bar or stay out late with my friends and drink until Im ready to go to sleep. I find it numbs myself and puts me on the same level as her (at least I believe so). So as today is Saturday, and it being DAY 3, I must confess... I figured today, she would be out late, as usual, and I planned on staying out as late as possible to try and compensate. I stayed with my close friends all night, drinking, and just taking it easy. Im at home now, drunk, and I dont find it easier. I feel more emotionally numb than anything. I know the pain of missing her is there, and I WANT to feel it, yet Im numb to my emotions and I dont like it. I sit here, listening to the same song over, n OVER n over n OVER again, just wondering what she is doing. Wondering what she is thinking. Wondering if she misses me. Wondering if she still thinks about me. My friends think everything is ok, and think that Ive moved on, but this is so hard. I dont care how mutual this breakup was; I still find it way too hard to occupy all my free time without her.... without my baby...my love...my life... I love her...but Im not in love with her, and it hurts so much sometimes... I wish I could go back in time... Ahhhhh sometimes I hate this * * * *..

Well Super Dave... I will admit it. You have thought of something, which helps people set goals, helps motivate them, helps put their life in perspective, and I commend and thank you for that. As for me... Day 2!! (if you dont count the week prior to this, but I swear I wont) Im doing good. I guess you can say. I had a dream last night. Of her.. From what I can remember in the dream, she wanted to get back together with me, and I wanted to sooooooooooooo bad, but I just couldn't do it....and the dream ended. I woke up shortly after... I felt alone....hopeless....totally isolated.... But as I came to realize, it was a dream which held a strong meaning. Although I wanted her back so badly, I just couldn't because subconsciously, I knew we CAN'T be together. You can't force something if it isn't right. and OUR relationship WASN'T meant to be......at this point in our lives... FYI for anyone that doesn't know. We broke up almost a year and a bit ago. She broke up with me, because she needed to see what she was missing, etc (something I didn't want). Completely understandable, considering her age and such. But about 8 months later we got back together (I didnt follow NC AT ALL!!!!! stupid move) Even though I didnt follow NC, we still got back together, but don't do as I say...please... I went through extreme heartache wondering what she was doing every night, wondering who she was with, etc, and it just wasn't worth it. After we got back together, we had a short honeymoon period, where things were great, it last a couple months, then the arguing and such came back. So we got back together around august of last year, and broke up in may of this year. She brought up the idea of splitting up to me, and I was shocked at first , crying and such. But the more I thought about it as days pass, the more I realized it had to happen. She said everything that I had been thinking in the past, but I was never man enough to own up to my feelings, I was just too scared of being left alone. Since the break up I have my moments, my ups and downs (that was almost 2 weeks ago) The last couple of days, Ive been a little more down then anything, but as soon as I focus on something else, I forget all about her and begin to feel just a little bit better. Sorry if I spilled out the length of the Lord of Rings on here, I cant help it when I get going on this keyboard. This website does help....alot...and I hope everyone the best in their healing process. Ive been there before people, and I know how much it hurts, but it does get better, and Im having to do it all over again, which isnt the most pleasant, but I know NOT to make the same mistakes as before. NC is key. If you keep contact with them, you will not heal like you should, I cannot stress this enough. Good luck Everyone, I wish you all the best. I will keep everyone posted!!! Thanks again SD.

True enough. Im heading to work, Ill be back here later tonight. My day shouldn't be like any other, but if she does pop into my head, I'll be sure to remember it and record it. FYI Our relationship ending was a mutal thing...almost....she brought it up, and I didn't agree at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it too, just so everyone is well aware. Although it was mutal, the pain is still there.... it comes in waves.

s'funny too. How when looking for a display picture, all I found were pictures of me and her, and her and me, and her and my friends, and me her and my friends. See the common denominator?

If its still possible to join this challenge, then I am sooooo down. Start me off on DAY 1 Its been almost 2 weeks, but Ill start day 1 right here.

Ahhh...Once again I lie awake in bed...pondering...

...its so weird....like.. ..I thought today I'd have a really bad day....but...I was out laughing, smiling, having a good time...I was in a good mood. Don't get me wrong, there were points, while working, that I'd just stop and think, and kinda let reality set in, which was rather hard...I'd get sidetracked and have to take a smoke break. I just needed a little space I guess. I just don't understand why I was in a good mood after work...if anyone could explain that..? but if you're wondering about now, I'd tell you that I am having feelings of jealousy of a few things, and Im just...I dunno, I feel sooooo.....soooo free, yet I feel like im just held lower than everyone else is, im sorry, its so hard to put into words. ...just to let you know, it's taken me about an hour to write this, I've been doing it in between of other things I had to do, but while I was doing some computer work, I had to find a photo, and I came accross several pictures she sent me, right when we were starting to date... as soon as I saw a close up on her face, with the eyes looking right at me...I completely lost it... it just seems like I have reality checks where I just break down for a few mintues, until I convince myself that I have to deal with it.. I wrote a letter on my computer yesterday..that I changed my mind on sending after I read around Enotalone earlier today. I'm going to eventually share it with you guys..but I don't think I should read it just now, sorry. Thanks to anyone who stopped and read this, it just feels alot better to let everything out, and write what's on your mind... [ADDED] oh and there was an IM from her on my computer when I came home tonight, a simple "Hey.." ...I didn't send anything back - NC! I didn't really expect to hear anything from her today really, the phone, txt msg, instant message, voice message, nothing...but I'm just focusing on no contact for now.

I wonder how long this can acctually last...I don't know if any of you remember my situation but I'll give you the brief low-down. Oct 4th, SHE broke up with me after a year and seven months, said she needed space, needed time to figure out what she wanted, blah blah, wasn't IN love with me but still loved me, blah blah. I was devastated, I couldn't eat for almost a week and a half, I couldn't sleep properly, and when I did, I would wake up so early and not be able to lie there because I'd start to think (I think do this one from time to time - like this morning). So I did NC from her for around 2 weeks then she was upset with some irrevelant sh*t (or something about her missing me, one or the other, we were drunk when she told me this) After that we started hanging out a little bit (I knew we shoudln't have...I should have been healing), then one night at a mutal friend's "party" she showed up after I had been there drinking (she was drunk too), and she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed I grabbed her and started kissing her, etc...no details needed. We both ended up leaving later on in the night, and txt'd each other back, saying how much we wished we would've had sex, just for old times sake, but we kept saying how we (mainly me) couldn't get attached if we decided to do that. So for the last (almost) 2 monthes, we've been having sex, kissing, cuddling, hugging, doing all the things that are involved in a relationship, but we pretty much hid it from people, and we made it clear to each other that we weren't together, we were just having our own little "thing". Lately I've noticed that she's been acting a little different. I confronted her and she said we would talk about it after exams. I didnt want to know what was on her mind, I wanted to know why she had been a little rude to me the other day. We ended up getting into a bit of an argument and it came out - she said that we shouldn't be doing this anymore, because she feels and knows that she's holding me back from the rest of the world. She knows that I keep focusing on our relationship and what's not there anymore which isn't a good thing, when I should worry about myself.... ...I told her I needed space, I needed time to figure out my own stuff, to see what I wanted...etc... her exact msg was: "im so sorry i did this to u, u have no idea how much it hurts me to know how much i hurt u...But as u respected me n my wishes i will give u your space....N hope for the best. N so I guess this is goodbye for now...Thank u for everything. U made me feel like no one was better than me. N no ones ever made me feel that way. Im so sorry...Goodnite Michael...." that was after our long msging back and forth.... I simply replied with "...I wish I didnt love you still, so that I wouldn't have to do this...Goodbye *Laura*" ... I hate this, I'm breaking down as I'm writing this, and its been FRIGGIN MONTHS since we broke up, I turn 19 in less than 2 weeks and she turns 17 the week after........like I should be stronger than this, I shouldnt be crying all the time...I love her so much...and I hate her for it...i dont want to be like this...i dont want to call into work sick anymore because I dont think that I could handle being there...I want to acctually go thorugh a day where I'm happy...I haven't been so happy in so long...I'm thinking maybe anti-depressants might help... I just want to hug her kiss her, hold her....and @ the same time...drive 1000000 kilometers away from her...

I agree with you, I really do, whole heartdly. She txt me yesterday and said the way we were going was starting to be too much, she says we're supposed to have our independence and not have to get mad if one or the other doesnt call or something to that agree, I agreeed, cause its true, we're not dating. She asked for a couple days before anything happened just to cool off cause I have a college entrance test I need to study for and she has exams for highschool. I said ok. She still wants to continue with like the casual sex and whatnot, as do I, but I guess I gotta live with the fact that I can't have her. Im just taking what I can get. Don't get my wrong now, I'm very flirtaious with other girls like my co workers and such, so I don't just draw all my attn towards here, I keep myself open to other girls as well.

My ex broke it off with me in October (Oct 4th). I tried the friends thing for around 5 days, didn't work, I went NC for about 2 weeks, she called me, started chatting again, started hanging out, she told me she was still confused and didn't know what she wanted. A month ago she told me that she wasn't confused and didn't see us getting back together. SINCE she said that we've acctually grown closer together. We started having sex again (I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I shouldnt do it), we hug, kiss, cuddle, good times. She got kind of mad at me (almost 3 weeks ago) to find out that this one girl was txt msging me while we were at a friend of mine's house. But I told her there was nothing going on and whatnot, and she explained that I was free to do w/e I please cause we weren't together. That following weekend she was chilling with her friends, they were all drinking, and she ended up making out with one of those guys. I asked her the following day, when we were hanging out, if anything happened that would make me a lil' bit jealous. She didn't answer, but in the following 15 mins she pretty much told me. She cried, and told me that it wasn't fair for her to get mad at me when she goes and does that. From the tears that I saw, I looked at her and asked "It wasn't just making out was it?"....She started crying even more, grabbed me and swore to me that it was only that and nothing else. I left and received 3 msgs from her. The msgs stated how happy I make her, and how when she's with me nothing else matters, how when shes having a bad day, even if we go out for 30 mins, she has a smile on her face @ the end of it. She told me that her good friend doesn't hate me (like I thought she did), and that she told her friend how happy I acctually make her and how her friend could tell because she's been glowing all week. Skip forward about 2 weeks. We're still having sex, staying close, acting like we're together, but we're just not COMMITTED, its a......different relationship. She sent me a txt msg the other day saying how she cares about me and how much I mean to her but how she likes the way things are now and how she hopes that it's working for me. Of course I lied and I said I loved it etc etc, how the sex is awesome and how well we get along, etc. It's not that I don't love it, I DO, I just want the commitment again, and I'm hoping that if I stick around maybe things will change. It felt good though, I got into a car accident about a week ago, where my car slid into a river and I had to jump out while it started filling in with water, and as soon as she saw me after wards she grabbed me and hugged me and wouldn't stop kissing me, telling me how worried she was . In the last two weeks, she's come with me to a funeral viewing for my friend's grandfather, and my work christmas party, we are still SOOOO close, it feels like we are each other's significant other, but it's just not official. Oh, she also told me how she was gonna invite me over for Christmas Eve (like last year), but one of her friends (who doesnt live with their parents), has absolutely no one to celebrate Christmas with so she is gonna invite her (which I totally understand), but she said that maybe we could go out for Brunch the next day. I think me and her need to have a talk sometime soon, I want her to be the one that I kiss on New Years ..I don't know if I want to picture her kissing someone else on midnight... like last year

Please believe me when I'm saying this, I'm not doubting anything you are saying. From my POV, what happened was, she realized how happy I acctually make her, without the arguing and fighting, and the only way that happened was when we started hanging out ALOT lately over the last couple of weeks. She asks me to hang out almost every day that she has free time..............Do you think I should continue, because the main reason our relationship failed was the fighting etc, but now she sees that we don't fight anymore, the only thing we do is laugh, and enjoy each other's company, it's EXACTLY like when we first met. referring to the friends with benefits thing, we're not having sex ALOT, we are doing it, but not that often, its more so hugging cuddling kissing etc. I APPRECIATE ANY AND ALL OPINIONS...THANKS EVERYONE!!

The title may seem a little "strange" but its true. If she never broke it off with me I'd still be the same arrogant person that I was. We've been hanging out a lot lately, and we haven't argued at all, we haven't fought, it's been great. We are both so happy when we're together, she tells me how happy I make her. What we're doing is a little on the different side, we're hugging and kissing and having sex and what not, hanging out a lot, I'm pretty much doing the opposite of NC, but it seems to be working. She told me she told her close friend how happy I'm acctually making her and how she's applying her self in school and how shes been glowing all week- and how it's all becasue of me., and her friend told her that she knows - that she can really tell. She told me the reason she got kinda disappointed when I was talking to this other girl was because she'd be afraid that she'd lose me to someone better, becasue "apparently", I treat her like gold, and that any girl would rather have someone that treats them good then someone who doesn't. If she didn't break up with me, I'd still quite possibly, continue being the ignorant person I was towards her, disregarding her feelings. I feel like a better person, and although the break up was hard, I really did need it, even if I didn't want it. The fact still being, is that we are both single and techinally allowed to do what we want. She told me that she does have feelings for me but isn't ready for anything official.

any opinions? please....I appreciate the comments, but like any typical guy, we have HIGH sex drives....which sometimes get the better of us.

Im not expecting to get back together with her, I told her that it was no strings attached when we were both kinda drunk and talking about it.... Im just hoping that shes not changing her mind at all and wants to get back together with me, because I'm loving the sex, she can fool around with others if she wants, as long as I can still get it, thats the joy of being single, but on the other hand, I DO still care for her, and would hate for anything bad to happen to her - thats the one downside, is that I still care. And Im not focusing my life on her, like we still are close, we tell each other things still, its like GOOD FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. I hope this doesnt change tho, like the thoughts in my head, becasue so far Im not feeling used or anything. And your right heloladies21, there isn't anything I can do to stop myself... unfortunately, but is it ok just to enjoy everything how it is, and find the best of a situation?

THANKS FOR THE COMMENTS EVERYONE ! I hate this so much...well no I dont...but its all the stuff surrounding it. Oddly enough, we did a repeat AGAIN last night, and it was 100000 times better than the night before. I can't help but love every second, and Im not talking about recieving, I enjoy the pleasure that Im giving her (Im just a nice guy lol). This time was a little different tho.... Instead of just getting right to business, she asked if we could take out the Z71 and go get food (that she'd buy) and drive around for a bit, take the LONG way home. I was surprised she wanted to buy, seeing how she was a) no job and b) almost no money. ANDDDDDD the weirdest thing, lately, there has been no arguing, AT ALL, like its as if someone made us drink some "unargumentative juice", just laughing, joking, good times. wait, theres another ANNNNNNNDDDDDDDD I was looking at her hand when she was lying on my bed, and I noticed something odd, which quickly caught my eye....she put the gold and diamond ring back on her finger that I gave her for our 6 months. Like she was telling me a friend of hers was mad at her for coming out with me and that she didnt want me and my ex getting back together etc etc and she told me she didnt care about what she was saying, that she was being stupid and shouldnt tell her what to do. SHE also txt me last night after I dropped her off commenting on my performance and thanking me for the 2 hours that we got together because it made her feel like all the "bad things" just drifted away... my question is.... I already dealt with the fact that she made it clear that we couldn't get back together, but do you think this has made her slightly change her mind? Am I getting mixed signals? ...I don't feel used at all....I acctually feel like she might feel used..but I realize that sounds absurd.. I also have another comment, if you all can bear with me up to here. When she was thinking a few weeks ago, that she should get back together with me, Im almost more than positive, it was because, when we were together, We WERENT arguing, fighting, disagreeing, or any negative stuff. Maybe NC wont be able to apply here? The main reason our relationship went down the drain was because of the fighting, etc.

If any of you read my earlier post, this is an add on to that. To sum up the earlier post, my ex pretty much told me that us being together again wasn't gonna happen. Although she said that, I've still wanted to have sex with her since we broke up, but I figured that wouldn't happen either. I went to a friends house on friday to do a bit of drinking and watch the hockey game. There was quite a few of us there. All of a sudden, my ex arrived with a few of her girlfriends. I was just sitting on the couch on the phone when they came in and I didn't really pay any bother to her. I stood up to go to the bathroom and as I was walking out of the room I bumped into her walking the opposite way. She looked at me and asked why I didn't say Hi to her. I just started smiling and laughed a little bit (she was just as drunk as I was). We moved to the other side of the room and started making out (spontaneous) then we moved the party to the bathroom. We didn't end up having sex or anything like that, although we were pretty damn close to (a few people opened the door and saw us half naked...I laughed about it the next day, cause my friend kept saying how he saw me standing there with no shirt on). But the reason we didnt get down to business was that she had a curfew that night, and her friends kept telling her that they had to leave. That night we exchanged txt msgs on how the both of us wished we wouldve actually had sex. I told her it was gonna be No Strings Attached, and she kept reminding me of that, becasue she knew that unless we realized it was no strings attached, then we would start getting attached to each other. The next day she came over to my house for about an hour, and we did end up having sex It was quite passionate, more passionate then when we were dating each other, Id have to say it was the best sex I've had with her. The following day, we did a repeat of the day before, although it lasted a bit longer as we had more time - again it was very passionate. After we finished both times, she'd send me txt msgs about how good I am at what I do, and how many times she'd.......yeah nm you get the point Either way I felt like a champ after. She told me, before she came over yesterday, that a friend of hers was mad because she was coming to my house (for reasons that I can obviously guess), but she told me that she doesnt care, she can make her own decisions, and they arnt her parents. I told her I dont want her to have problems with her friends. She also mentioned that she was gonna get a lecture from her sister, who returned from university that week, but again, she didnt care. Now, my question is, can I continue doing this without it blowing up in my face at all? Like, I enjoy the sex, and I know it's no strings attached, but after we're done, we are still romantic with each other, like with cuddling, and kissing, and caressing. The sex now is more romantic and passionate than how it was when we were dating each other, and I'm loving it. But I still do have some feelings for her, even tho she told me we can't be together anymore. BUT THE SEX IS SOO GOOD ! I can't help it... And I don't think it can be that she is using me, because WE both want to do it...

Apparently, she is really sick with pneumonia or mono or some lung infection and is gonna be laid up for a while.. She txt'd me last night, and I just msged her with short and sweet msgs, I didn't jump at msging her back either, nothing HUGE like she was doing.

yea, pretty much she doesn't want to be committed, I know that she'd rather be free to explore "all her options" blahhh.... f*** another guy....see what I care.....wait....on second thought.. She txt'd me today saying that she wasn't sure if she shoudlve msged me because she didn't know if I wanted to talk to her..etc etc because she still wants to talk to me even if Im feeling that she doesnt etc etc etc and some other details of something that happened months ago (irrevelant to our relationship). Like...I honestly don't know what to do...I know NC is the way to go, but how to do it, because I'm still friendly with her, even though she told me that we were never ever gonna be together again, I even asked her if she was sure, I ask her if she was still confused anymore, etc....I think she's sure....she just wants to be free of commitment...."people change, things change" but.... .....I wish she would reconsider.... Did I forget to mention that a few weeks ago she wanted to get back together with me, she was making me a thing to contribute to her asking me back, but then she became confused again, and reconsidered... Honestly, do you think there's any possible way of us getting back together, even if she says she's sure now, like thats why I asked her, are you sure, so I could be sure, and then it was just be a reassuring situation...WAYYY to many "sures" in that sentence, lol sorry.

The funny thing is....how should I start a NC? All the reasons I see people starting NC for are because they constantly hound the ex with emails, phone calls, and txt messages, but I'm not doing that, I was just treating it like a friendship. I have a few loose ends to tie up with her first, like she owes me money and said she'd pay me on sunday. But the real question is, how do I start NC? Should I start sending her emails and calling her all the time then stop, or should I just stop talking to her in general? As far as I know, I'm not annoying her in the least bit, or at least I haven't been since the break up. PS. I love mothers, they always seem to be the best people to talk to. In my case I have two "mothers", mine and my best friends, and it's just comforting to know they'll be there for you in the worst of times. THanks again for comments folks..

Wow, I just woke up....and still, the first thing I thought of...was how me and her are no more - I've been doing that for the last 2 months almost. IT SUCKS!!!!

oh...and I forgot to mention that she told me that she didn't want a relationship right now because of several reasons, but one of them being that she needs to focus on other things right now like school (shes not doing to well in school, I do agree)

thanks for the opinions, they're much appreciated. I acctually did go by and see her today, I really couldnt think of what the outcome would be, but I went anyways. To sum it up she told me that we shouldnt get back together for good... like am I supposed to cheer becasue I'll "be able to find someone better" ...I dont know about that.. Im sorry, but I've just realized this is the start of things to come. I thought the last two months were me getting over her, getting her out of my system, but I didnt even make it past the first step... ahhhh..Just thinking about it makes me depressed, bare with me everyone.

I'm sorry for any of those who may be reading this twice, but I unknowingly used the word S**t in one of my posts and I think it got deleted, but I'll be more careful in the future. I've been reading forums like this and similar ones for quite a while now, and really Im just using this as a place to vent and hear different opinions... Here's my story... October 4th, my ex of a year and seven months, broke it off with me, explaining that it wasnt me it was her etc, etc. I was heartbroken. Later on I did learn the real reason was that she didnt know what she wanted, she didnt know whether or not she'd like to be single and free or with me anymore, she explained that she needed to "explore" and I dunno...my ego took a bit of a bruising. We tried the friends thing for about 5 days after that but I wasnt emotionally stable to continue, so I told her that we had to go on a bit of a break away from each other, so I could heal and get on with my life...She agreed that it's probably what is best for the both of us... 2 weeks and a little bit pass, and I get a phone call at work...It was her. She was explaing to me that she was upset with some stuff that had happened earlier on that day and just wanted to talk, so we did exactly that. The next couple of days she asked me to go out for coffee, and we did that as well, against my better judgement. About a week after casual hanging out, cuddling, hugging, and a kiss here and there, I asked her WHY she had to call me at work after I told her I couldnt see her or talk to her, and she just explained that she was upset and wanted to talk...So we talked about the whole relationship for a bit and she told me that she was STILL confused and didnt know what she wanted. She said that sometimes she feels that she should be with me, but then she feels that she shouldn't and explained that she didn't want to put me through what she already did earlier that month becasue it wasn't fair to me. She also explained that I shouldnt wait around for her because that wasn't fair to me either. She did mention that someone had asked her earlier that day what was going on with me and her and whether or not we'd get back toghther, and she told them ... "Im not sure, probably" or something along those lines. When I was driving her home, I explained to her that if she needed to "explore" then she should go and do just that, go and fool around with whatever guy, just find out what u need to, so that you can be sure. She thanked me for understanding and left. I got a msg from her saying that "all I wnated to do was kiss you, but I knew I couldnt, becasue I dont want you to be hurt" Since then we have been casusally hanging out, we've still cuddled, hugged, and made out once or twice, no sexual contact tho. On Saturday I went to a house party, which she was attending as well, I was pretty drunk, and I didnt really want to talk to her, afraid of what I might say or what she might say. After fights starting breaking out, I left and made a trek to meet up with some friends of mine (which was gonna be taking me right by her house). On the way, I got a phone call which turned into an argument with my friends gf, where I said some pretty obscene things..which involved a lot of yelling and screaming and swearing, which I unknowingly did while I was walking by her house. What I DIDNT know was that her parents her aunt, uncle, and HER were standing in the driveway listening to the whole thing...ahhh my drunken raves... She txt'd me later that night adn told me what I did and how her parents lost so much respect for me (I Think she was just mad because of what I was yelling, which was pretty bad). Her dad came into my work the next day, and I told him I was sorry for him having to hear that, he told me it was OK. I got a txt at work, later that day, from HER, saying that we needed to talk and it wasn't gonna be pleasent but we had to do it. I knew right away what it was, without having to guess. I went home, went onto msn, and told her that if she wanted to end things for good, then she should just do it and not drag it on. She told me that it wasn't that, she mentioned that we should just go on a little break from each other, becasue she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, but shes still confused and doesnt know what she wants. (We had a little talk before about how I'm not totally HAPPY when me and her end our night of hanging out or whatever). So we're supposed to talk about it today or tomorrow, but she has bronchitis, so I doubt thats gonna happen.... To be honest, I just want her back in my life, I want things to be back to the way they were, when we were so madly in love with each other, when we'd stop in the middle of a crowd, grab each other, and just kiss each other for the longest time.....ah...those were the days.... I guess this is growing up...