Akua

Good for you Echo. Stay busy. If you get through the first two weeks, you'll make it. And think of NC as a form of dignity you are giving yourself. You are too good to wait around for him. Do what makes you happy and when the urge comes to talk to him, call someone else close to you or go for a walk or clean up or write in a journal. You can't trust him to be responsible for your feelings, but you can trust yourself that you will be ok.

Echo, so I don't mean to take over your post, but what do i do? Talk with him? Wait for him to figure it out and say up front what he is thinking? NOt do anything? I feel like that is just opening the whole can of worms of getting into a fight or something.

newnub, About dating, i think dating or a one-nighter just to "get over" someone doesn't really do any good. It hurts the person you are doing it with and you don't really gain anything. As a woman, I also find it just another way of disrespecting myself. Trying to compensate with a loss with something temporary isn't healthy. Heal. Mourn. Be sad. ANGRY. And figure it all out b4 you get into something else. My question for SuperDave or ANYONE is what if the ex broke up with you and you do NC and they try to contact you? What do you do then? I have been NC for 2 months (my choice). He keeps trying in any way he can to contact me. At what point do I talk (provided that i want to)? And the fact that he is desperately trying does that mean something? I figured if it meant something he would leave more of a clue like "I want ot get back together." Right??? So for those NC-ers out there. It worked for me, and now the ex won't stop trying to contact me.

I've done NC for 2 months now. see posting link removed He broke it off. He keeps trying to contact me. I am not going to talk with him unless he specifically tells me he wants to get back together and perhaps why he broke it off. Otherwise there is no reason in talking. And on that note, I don't htink I would get back with him even then bc in my situation the break up showed me a lot about who he is. But 3 weeks of NCing, he sent a letter saying that if I don't want to talk with him he isn't going to try anymore, and if that is the case any chance for a future relationship won't happened. Well, I didn't respond and 1 month later, he called and emailed me. See post to see where I am now. Does that help?

hayden006, i was on ehm doubleyou's posting and saw your reply and came to your posting. it is so similar to mine it's scarey. I agree with ehm doubleyou. it's all about closure and not knowing why. I think how he handled it was immature, not being up front with you. You see, my relationship was long distance too. You and I both know it sucks and is very hard on couples no matter how great of friends they are. But go to my posting link removed to see how the whole NC is working. I think you do really need to back off in contacting him. He clearly wants his space. It's unfortunate that he didn't communicate this until he was fed up. Clearly you are willing to make adjustments. But his lack of maturity is a warning sign. At this point, consider this: do you really want to be involved with someone who is not communicating with you and doesn't live in the same place as you? Everyone wants to love someone. So there is someone IN tampa who will love you and do different but just as good things for you and be better for you than a disrespecting guy in Phili. He's proving that he is not worth the distance.

I didn't post the break up. But i think that is the diference between girls and guys. I plastered myself on a email to everyone I knew and had them all tell me their stories and be there for me when I broke down crying in a bar. So now, several months later, I am a little draining on everyone and I am working on not bringing him up in every conversation in social life, so I came to the post to finish the housekeeping, if you will. Go to "He broke up. He wants to talk. I'm not talking" on this forum. I think the same page as this. But keep in mind, there's a lot that goes in to every relationship and they are each different. I am still in the healing stage so I am still not there to give you my completed outlook on this process. I am just stuck in a stage that you will get to as well. Mine was very complicated and I wish it has been as civil as yours thus far, but I think that is only proof that it gets ugly no matter how great of friends you are. I have just been working on damage control. But in retrospect, reading your situation, it does shed light on things that didn't make sense at the time for me. As for tomorrow, I just think that God(or whatever) gives you the same lessons until you learn it. Whatever happens it's meant to be that way. So good luck!

Thank you Kookie. I appreciate that. My no contact rule is keeping me in control a little. You know, it's my way of reinstating my dignity. I think it helps to see it that way. My question is: Will there be a point when I want to talk with him? Does that mean I am ready? Ready for what? to be rejected again? I mean there are times I want to call him like the good ol' days, but that is fading. Now there are times I just want to yell at him and ask WHY? There are times I want to get it through his head how much it hurts when he contacts me and doesn't let me know whether it's bc he wants me the gf or he wants to make sure he's not hated. Sometimes I just want to contact him and make him hate me so I don't feel like i have to hold out waiting for his next effort to talk with me. And sometimes I just want him to know everything that i have thought since we broke up. It's like all the thinking and discussion before you actually broke up never happened with us, and now after the fact he wants to talk about it. If i get to that point of wanting to talk to him, do I tell him these things? I guess. what is the point of talking after it is over? I guess it's hard to imagine that 2 people who loved eachother so much will never talk again. I just don't get it. Does it help me heal to tell him all this? If it did help someone out there, then I'll try it.

I started crying when I read your break up bc it sounded like mine. yet, so weird, at the same time, I wished mine was like yours bc it was just so mature and full of respect. But having now been an ex for 2 months, I have to agree with Hockeyboy that you should be cautious. There could be a lot of reason for why she needs this. The worst hurt is not lying but what is omitted, what she is not telling you. Also, I also agree that if tomorrow doesn't go well or there still aren't any answers, you should cut off contact. Even though you two seems so mature and respectful, break ups are ugly. To prevent the ugliness, just heal by yourself without her. We ended maturely, but at a certain point in healing you have to get angry, and it is better to do it without her hearing it. I have cut off contact for 1 month and 3 weeks and I am getting to the root of me and what was wrong with the relationship. It hurts, but where can the relationship go at this point, right? It's the "time heals" cliche. I think you respecting her like you have shows your true colors and feelings for her. But more importantly it shows your own dignity. It's interesting how, whether male or female, people deal with break up similarly. Your feelings about going out, respecting her, seeing old friends, keeping busy, making goals are exactly what you should do...I did and, yes, I dragged my feet with a lot and hated going out, but I did it and helps me move on. But anytime there is contact--I take an abyss worth of steps back. So cry, mourn, go out, get angry, and live. Feel it all bc it's better ot get it done with now than holding on and realizing there is nothing. If you heal now, then when you can see clearly the love will either still be there or not. I keep telling myself that. Just bc I feel like your experience is a replica of mine 2 months ago, I just want you to know you will be ok. I am not completely there yet, but I have gotten this far and you will too, with or without her. I'm proof. Keep remembering that this is about you too, not just her.

You all are very right. I know that is what he is doing. But even though it appears I don't want anything to do with him, I have to be honest. I want him to come forth and say that he messed up and wants to try again. We were eachothers first love and one random day he ends it even though we were crazy for each other up til then...he even talked about our future children the week before he broke up!! I am sure, though, if he ever did admit that this was wrong and wants to start again, I will say no. I just want that choice. That chioce he never gave me bc he told me exactly what was going to happen and how I should feel about breaking up and never discussed our relationship with me. But the way he is acting now is only making me not like him. If he is doing this to just get a rise out of me, what a mean person! How absolutely manipulative and mean. It's not obvious mean, but he is playing with my head. When he let me down, I gracefully bowed out and went my own way, but he is still there showing his ugly side and ruined any future together.

Well I dunno if he knows what he lost. maybe he already knew what he was losing when he broke it off? When he broke up it was about how much he loved me and i am his best friend. His letter said that my "unconditional love was a priceless gift htat made him feel infinitely worthy." And he is scared if I never call him back. I am just numb. i mean I cried for 3 weeks straight and even now I will have moments of glory and then just my quiet times. What can I do? He didn't even give me a bone? Is he playing games? Did he freak out at the thought I would give up everything and move to where he was? I mean, I was dragging my feet at first bc to do that for someone they have to relaly be on the same page as you. Well he never talked with me about it until after he broke it off and sent me a letter telling me hwat he thought I was thinking, not asking, but telling. I just get sick when he tries to contact me bc I have tried everything to get him out of my life and he tries to reinsert himself and breaks down what I have built up by leavin gme wondering WHY.

This is a long one, but I have not direction with what to think about him. It was long distance for 1.5 years. Crazy passionate and first love for both. He pushed the relationship to move quickly. Talked about marriage, moving to be together, and children. He was constantly moving for owrk and had a 2 year committment to that. His next move was coming up. Right before he left he then broke up and said it was not fair to us to be long distance (meanwhile we were already). No conversation with me about our plans to be together, me moving to be with him even htough he asked me to a couple of weeks before he broke it off. He presumed a lot about how I would feel about the future and regretting it and wanted out. I cried but I didn't beg. Sent him all his stuff the next day. Never said anything mean, but he was adament about making it clear that it was over as if I didn't agree with him. 2 months now since we broke it off and I still haven't talked ot him since then. He has tried calling immedately after we broke up and i didn't pick up. Texted messaged, I didn't answer. He wrote a letter 3 weeks later and gave a rationalized, logical reason for why I needed this to end and telling me how I should feel but never gave HIS reason. At the end of the letter he threatened that we wouldn't have a relationship in the future (ie. when he is done with his work commitment and can move to where I am) if I chose to hate him and never talk with him again. He also said he wouldn't contact me again if I don't want to talk. Once again, I didn't resond. 1 Month later (this week) he called "to see how I am and talk." I didn't answer. The next day forwarded me an forwarded email about what is important in life and how you should take a moment and send the email to people you care and love deeply. He sent it to only me. What is he doing? Is he feeling guilty? Does he want to get back together? Is he just checking up on me as if I am not ok like all of his letters suggest how I will be? Any thoughts?