bluecastle
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Oh, I hear you. My state, California, has a long history of being very proud of itself—and, heck, I share a lot of that pride, as I moved here in part because I admire not only the landscape but the way California has conducted itself, you could say. And yet I see plenty of people behaving in ways that make the skin crawl, the spirit wilt, and our current numbers are nothing to find comfort in. Paradigm shifts don't come easily. Still, I do have a lot of hope: fervent here, flickering there, but all in all pretty potent and sustained. Maybe it's how I'm built, maybe it's a coping mechanism. I don't know. I've lived only 40 years—a blink in the scheme of things—but I've spent most of them pretty disappointed in the larger systems in which I live and how they've evolved over my lifetime, particularly when it comes to handling complex conflict, something I've yet to witness my country do in any way that has made me proud. I don't think people can be "forced" to be good. Not by a government, not by a church, not by shaming on social media. But can circumstances nudge the needle, even a critical millimeter, even in the face of a tsunami of human stubbornness and fear and misguided momentum? It's a question I ask here and there, especially lately, more curious about how it'll be answered than anything.
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Sorry about the turbulent day, Sera. I remember back when this was getting serious, what health officials were saying: that this is complex, and that vaccines generally take around 1-2 years to develop. Since then, my way of approaching it has been to accept that some of my understandable human hopes—that a few weeks of "lock down" would be enough to "beat this" and restore life as I knew it, e.g. the Instagram or Netflix version of a pandemic—are more of a coping mechanism than anything else. Fantasies, to make reality more palpable, for a moment. Guess I've been in the mindset for a while now that this was going to be a long haul, and that we weren't going to go "back to normal" so much as forward into a new normal: slowly, clumsily, scarily, but, eventually, with something like light and grace and some sturdier footholds to lean into. So many emotions about it all. I'm on edge often, along with billions, but I also find myself wondering if what is on the other side of this can be healthier, collectively, than what we had before. Seems this virus has exposed a lot of what could be called preexisting conditions—bad wiring in the collective systems we build—and hopefully we'll find a way to take them seriously for our health. Putting it in ENA-friendly terms? This is like a breakup—an ugly one, out of nowhere, shedding light on so much ugliness that was always there, if simmering at a manageable level—when the first few months are spent in a frenzied state of either denying it all or trying to "move on" at light speed and seeking constant rewards or proof that you're "over it." Then comes the period where you just have to sit in the discomfort and uncertainty, accepting that it's going to pass...when it passes. Do what you can to stay sane and healthy, of course, while trying to let go of the idea what was can be willed back into what is.
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Sorry about all this, itsallgrand. Sending all the positive energy your way, whichever way that is. I'm pretty angry too, these days.
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Sorry about that, reinvent. So frustrating. My feeling is that people, right now, are just kind of batty, a state not everyone deals with gracefully. Personal example, observed by my girlfriend and I? In our neighborhood someone—maybe a few someones?—has taken to very aggressively writing on the sidewalk in chalk to pick up after your dog. It would be hard to overstate how far from a problem this is in our neighborhood, with its perfect LA lawns and movie-set homes, and certainly not something that has gotten worse during the pandemic, which is to say the big change to our tranquil little pocket of the city is that the sidewalks are now covered with "shouting" about dog poop. Conclusion? Someone is looking for a purpose in life during uncertain times, and has found that in becoming a canine excrement protester. Think the social media stuff you've encountered is kind of the same thing, and think you've handled it well, frustrating as it must be to have to deal with something so crumby at this crumbling moment.
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Good luck, Batya! Having been on hand with some similarly structured playdates over the past two weeks, I'm confident it's going to go well for you, and for your son.
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I find myself, as an American, comparing this moment to the way we handle gun violence compared to other nations, with the various "hot spots" and "spikes" akin to a Columbine, a Sandy Hook, an Aurora, a Charleston, a Sutherland. Zoom out on those 20 years—half my life—and you go: we are more okay with all this than not, or else we would behave differently, as a whole, rather than in pieces, pockets. Today we are seeing that on a less diluted timeline, with some different variables. Doesn't make the present any less frustrating to live through, but I suppose it lessens some of the anxiety by seeing it more in line with how we operate than some sort of historic outlier. A known, more than unknown, if a somewhat illusory and/or jagged one. I spend a lot of time wondering what the other side of this looks like—that "light" that, yeah, seems so dim right now. Sometimes my vision is optimistic, other times quite nihilistic. Most of the time it's foggy. So I take stock of my personal world, the tiny one I can actually see. I'm healthy, which is a comfort, as are most people I know, if not all. Some scotch tape, bubble gum, and origami skills have allowed for financial security through 2020, which makes for some breathing room. A hummingbird flew clear past my face a few minutes ago, close enough that I could hear its wings, feel the thrust of wind it generated. That was as real as anything I read in the news, or the mask I wear when outdoors. It was nice. Sometimes the little things have to sub in for the big ones, I guess.
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You know those posts on here about toxic relationships? The ones where someone describes something or someone toxic, ends it, hits up the gym and therapist for three months, only to dive back into the toxic thing, utterly mystified that it remains as toxic as ever? Well, that’s kind of how I feel with covid, speaking as an American living in America.
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Unnerving indeed, though not as unnerving as the root problem. That said, did we also just have an earthquake? Yup. It just keeps coming.
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Significantly more edgy than usual, not going to sugarcoat it. Suffice to say I haven't needed the computer or TV to know what's been going on. Not easy to relax, at least with my personal temperament and convictions, when the National Guard is parked outside your front door. Not sure what's on the other side of this, but doing what I can to live through it without too much wobbling—not always succeeding on that front, but so it goes—and putting my energy and already pretty anemic pocketbook toward pushing for the world I want to live in. Appreciate your words about the bravery, bolt. Everyone I know is out there, peacefully.
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Ugh. This reminds me of a pool-related "vent" of my own. Heard someone say the other day, without a trace of shame, that they were using their hefty govt grant—the sort that, in the US, went primarily to people who weren't directly affected—to put a pool in her yard. At once jaw-dropping and not at all surprising.
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I would say that you recognize this shows that you are pretty in touch—aware of when it's right to share certain feelings about all this, and when it's maybe best to keep them to yourself. One of the hardest things for me during this time has been how "out of touch" my closest friend has been, in terms of tone and perspective. He's a great guy, with a wonderful heart, but he can be a bit myopic, not the most nuanced "reader of the room," you could say. In this climate, that's surfaced in some pretty glaring (if unintentional) insensitivities to the realities that others (people at large, people he is close to) are presently facing that the nature of his reality and birthright keep him insulated from. I don't begrudge him what he has—and genuinely feel for him, as a person living through an improbably moment along with the rest of humanity—but I've had to distance myself from him during this. All in all, I think this gets at something here that is quite tough for many: we are all craving connection and support—as we always are, as humans—but this is a moment when certain chasms are more pronounced than usual, requiring a level of sensitivity that can be at odds with giving and getting the support we crave.
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I think a lot of people feel some version of that, awkpanda. Agree with Sera that feelings are feelings: always valid of being felt, not judged, which I think of as a kind of misguided coping mechanism—a way to lessen the full weight of whatever it is we're feeling when it just wants to be felt. Even if it's missing espresso at sunset. An easier sentence to write down than to inhabit, of course. Odds are, at any given moment, you are feeling sad or distraught by something that, in comparison to what another human is experiencing, is a minor note, a stubbed toe. Is what it is, and it's okay.
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What is the weather right now in your city/town/village, Part 2
bluecastle replied to Seraphim 's topic in Off Topic's Topics
Hotter version than the norm out here. Blue skies, big sun. Supposed to hit 90/32 today. -
Totally hear you on all this. We didn't need the pandemic to know that patience is in short supply, particularly in the big nation I call home, but it strikes me as beyond unfortunate that we may very well face some tragic consequences in indulging impatience.
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Thanks for sharing this, reinvent. And big hugs. I can so relate, in my own way. Until quite recently, I lived my whole life alone—less a conscious choice than, I think, the natural result of a related impulse. I love people, and probably love being around them more than not, but I often feel I can't fully "recharge" unless I'm on my own. I throw the dinner party, sometimes literally, while also longing for the party to end before it starts. S, from what you've shared, certainly sounds like he's got a great nature to compliment this. Of course, that does not change the way it feels, inside. It's a bit woo-woo and yogic, I know, but have you ever met these feelings with the thought of: they are okay, they are exactly what you're supposed to be feeling, when you feel them? Works for me—a bit, at times.
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I have some versions of these feelings, as does my girlfriend. Reminds me of a New Yorker cartoon from around two weeks ago where the husband is standing outside an open closet, were you can see his wife's feet poking out from behind the hanging clothes. Caption is something like: "Dinner is ready if you're done with your you-time." That cracked us up. Is your husband aware of these thoughts and feelings? I ask because, in our home, it's stuff we talk about—stuff she expresses—and that gives me some information. Small example of how that information gets computed? Two nights ago, after the kiddo was put to bed, I could kind of sense that girlfriend could use a few hours where the house was just hers—hours that, in this new paradigm, have kind of become "our time." I ducked off to another room, she had four hours to herself, come morning it was clear everyone was a bit calmer than they were the previous evening.
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Oh, Canada! Oh, so many nations that are not the very big one I come from! Won't risk wading too far into political waters, but suffice to say the system here works, um, differently. I've developed good balance walking on edges—it's all I've known—so have faith that will keep me upright. You mom sounds like she's got the right idea.
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Pretty good on this end. Have noticed that, over the past week or so, I've adjusted a bit to this state of mind and being. Whereas before I was riding waves of anxiety that would crash, momentarily providing something like calm before building up again, these days I seem to be more of an even keel mentally. Am close to securing an unexpected professional project, which is beyond needed right now given the immediate nuke to my livelihood this moment has set off. Not exhaling yet, but not feeling quite as petrified as I was before. I hear you on the exhausted front, Bayta, and if my girlfriend was listening? She'd really hear you. Doing all I can to lessen those weights on her shoulders within the framework of our household. Everyone else? Sending good vibes and hugs.
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I am so, so very sorry, reinvent.
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Both are doing okay. Sorry about the tension with your bro. Such a weird time. It's finding all the cracks—in interpersonal relationships, in social structures—and pressing right down on them, hard. I read this morning that the UK govt asked for volunteers to help deliver food etc. to those most vulnerable. They were hoping for 250,000. Some 750,000 signed up, are joining the deliverymen, shelf stockers, and so on, without salary. Of course, they're also guaranteed job security and 80 percent of lost wages through this time, so that altruism comes in part through a system that is just the opposite of ours. Not saying all this to get "political," but for me it helps to contextualize behavior—especially behavior that stings my own mental and emotional mainframe—inside larger systems so the effects aren't so potent to my well-being.
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I live in Los Angeles—not a hot spot—and have a friend who tested positive two days ago. Bad fever, didn't go away for a week or so. Tested positive, spent a night at the hospital, is home recovering. A friend's husband in New York City has it too; he's 56, tough road, but not critical. So, it's not totally abstract over here, in my tiny world within the world at large. That said, I understand the instinct for conspiracy theories, particularly in the US. Big, big country, to put it mildly, so the numbers are such that most people will not know someone affected by this on a critical level. It's like 9/11: massive event, but for the majority of the nation it was an event that existed on the news, not in their reality. This is that, with more dire numbers, but also harder to fathom since it can't be "seen," even on the news. Hard stuff to wrap minds around, kind of like climate change. Mix in that the US is fundamentally an individualistic nation—we simply don't value community or the collective, on a policy level—so the notion of making sacrifices for the common good, particularly of this sort, just don't hold much water here. It's not something we are really built for. Those sacrifices will, I'm confident, save lives. They will also ruin millions of lives financially. So the urge to think up some conspiracy theories? I see it as a coping mechanism, for some, to handle that very grim reality on the horizon.
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Anyone here watch "Chernobyl" on HBO? Great look at a catastrophe largely caused—at least in the way it metastasized—by human brains not trusting science and human bureaucracies being very, very stubborn when the unknown and the uncertain strikes. Not saying this is that—time will tell, I'm no expert, etc.—but the hugger at work? I mean, I get that. A dude trying to make heads or tails out of a flipping coin, clumsily. Some of those huggers, of course, are in charge of running very large countries. Weird, weird time to live in.
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I've found the wipes are plentiful where you'd least expect them. The weird gas station I typically avoid and the strip mall liquor store, to name a few. There's a vape shop near my house—now closed, per the laws—but prior to that they were doing something pretty awesome: door open, but entrance blocked by a makeshift counter that was filled with...wipes, sanitizer, not marked up. I'm sure they were still doing sales of e-cigs, but it was pretty sweet while it lasted when it came to getting the sanitizing goods.
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Sorry to hear about that with your brother. And, yeah, not much you can do. I'm pretty good at going with the flow, protecting myself by not picking unneeded battles. Just a lurking sadness, with some spikes, to process in one compartment while the others take on what needs to be taken on right now.
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Doing okay over here. Past few days have been rough, no point calling them anything else. Am finding an unexpectedly tough consequence of all this to be a rift in my closest friendship, where this situation is just exposing some differences—in life stations, in value systems—that are amounting to some added psychic stress from a source that is normally a cushion. In that, I'm sure, I am far from alone—and in that there is always comfort. Still, stings are also stings, and it does suck to feel so detached from someone who is generally a pillar.
