kctiger

The point I was making about being direct is that if you are into a woman, ask her out on a date instead of dancing around the topic or trying to read tea leaves. Obviously that opens you up to being rejected, which unfortunately is part of a man's world as we're expected to make the move. As others have stated, and beyond this woman's emotional and personal struggles, dating someone at work can be very complicated. I'm speaking from experience in that it can create some very awkward situations, especially if things go south. It already seems like there's been enough drama surrounding this situation anyway so I'd probably back off.

Since you have knowledge, how has it worked out for you? Or are you not applying the knowledge and telling women you simply want to hookup? Seems to me you have your answer with regards to that part.

99% of boys think that way, but it would be dumb of me to try and help you think otherwise. Anyone can get laid man. You can pay to get laid, so there's no real challenge to doing so. Now actually connecting with someone on an emotional level, that takes a little effort. I find it ironic, the person who has yet to get laid, is telling me the difference between direct and indirect approaches when talking to the opposite sex. I'm way beyond talking to women just to get laid. It's about the farthest thing from my mind when actually speaking to woman. If I wanted to get laid I'd just skip past the date part and save myself money and time on dinner and meaningless conversation.

I didn’t read your entire post as I get a distinct vibe from the way you talk, and the advice of those surrounding you, that you view woman as a means to an end. In this instance, it’s losing your virginity. I guess there’s nothing wrong with that if both parties are looking for the same thing. Don’t get so caught up in trying to lose your virginity that you let it destroy any emotional self control you have. Sometimes you end up regretting taking advantage of certain situations. Better not to learn that the hard way. Virgin or not, part of life is being direct about what you want and asking women out on a date. Only way you know for sure what the outcome would be.

Not sure what John has to do with you ending your own toxic relationship. It’s almost like you want to monkey branch to John directly after Mike. That is not healthy. Cut Mike loose. Trust me, there are plenty of other guys with big muscles who look the “alpha” part but actually behave like a well balanced gentleman. You’re going to have to be a mature about this and end the relationship on your own. Don’t you have girlfriends that can help with the emotional support?

Why are you anxious? Because you really like her and got rejected by someone you work with? Happens to the best of us but at least you went for it and asked her out., although I’m not sure what she did that made you think she was interested in you. I typically do not recommend people get involved with work colleagues as it can make for extremely awkward situations if things don’t work out. Case in point. Sorry you got rejected but as far as what to do next, just move on like this doesn’t phase you and focus on doing your job. Act like a professional.

I can't tell from your story, but are you still with Mike? Seems to me that is the biggest issue here before addressing John. I too would not continue to talk to a woman that is taken. John isn't going to friendzone himself for the sake of your attention. But seriously, are you still with the controlling boyfriend? There is nothing "Alpha" about a dude who controls his girlfriend's social media habits or makes silly, immature demands of her. That's just cowardice and low self esteem.

This is unreal. There is so much immaturity in this story, I don't know where to begin. I thought this was about some highschool kids, but nope, you're all at or near 30. The boyfriend got entrapped by his girlfriend's best friend at the request of his girlfriend. Sounds like a movie plot. She isn't ready for a relationship with him or YOU, for that matter. The boundaries were crossed all around. I can't imagine having a friend ask me to hit on his girlfriend. That's now how things are supposed to work. I certainly wouldn't have friends that expected me to do something like that either.

100% been where you're at. Fiancé and I broke up after living together a few months. We just simply weren't compatible so I'm very thankful we lived together prior to getting married. Ultimately our lack of communication killed the relationship. Communication is probably the most critical component in any relationship and when it isn't open, honest and habitual, resentment and anger build. I miss her every day and it's been 10 months. Your mind has a way of glorifying a relationship after a breakup, where you tend to remember only the good times and the "what-ifs". That's simply an attachment and survival mechanism. It's natural to grieve in your shoes. Trust the process and give it time. Letting go is not linear either. You'll have good days and bad. Keeping yourself busy, which requires legitimate force on your part in the beginning, helps in distracting your mind from wallowing too much. But wallow a bit. She has her own issues and you can't fix what she refuses to fix on her own. Unfortunately this is life. Don't worry about being with someone else. For now, focus on yourself, your needs and your feelings. Good luck and we're all here for you! You liberated yourself from a relationship which required you to walk on eggshells. That's no life at all. Even still, you'll miss the good times because your brain doesn't think rationally after a breakup, it thinks on emotions. You did the right thing, but it's easy for me to say that because I'm coming from an objective standpoint.

I never said she rejected him. I specifically said he told her he’d rather be friends, and that is abundantly clear in the second paragraph of the initial post. My point on rejection is based on her mentioning she has a “deep fear of rejection’’, so she won’t make her clear intentions known. If she can’t be clear on what she really wants then the entire foundation of this friendship/cuddle buddy/whatever this is supposed to be is flawed. Trying to be friends when you ultimately want something more is destined to hurt one or both parties. Speaking from some unfortunate experience on my end.

Tell the guy you’re not interested in friendship as you’d like to take it to the next level. If he’s not down for that, you have your answer. It’s not like he went off and got married, so there’s no roadblock here besides the willingness to be forthright in your feelings.

How did you two end up in a situation where you are basically chat buddies but ended up sleeping in the same bed together? As a guy, I have to say that if I tell a female that I specifically only want to be friends, then there’s purely no other motive there and you should take that at face value. While I’m not shy like this guy, I would never tell a woman I’m romantically interested in that friendship is my only desire. Shy or not, I just do not think that would be something most guys say if they felt otherwise. No one likes to be rejected either. Welcome to a man’s world, where we’re expected to make the first move and handle rejection with grace. It sucks no matter how many times it’s happened. Worse case scenario, you make a move and he shuts you down. Go for it. Keep in mind, that could ruin the potential for a blossoming friendship but I also think you probably aren’t ready for friendship since you have competing motives. Communication is critical in any relationship, platonic or otherwise, and I do not believe in utilizing gender norms to justify not being vulnerable and making your true intentions known. If you don’t, you’ll never know what could have happened.

The problem with the term ugly or unattractive is that it is entirely subjective. A woman I find attractive may be unattractive, or downright repulsive, to my friend, and vice versa. I think I'm an attractive guy and I assure you not every women would agree with me 🤣. The immediate attraction may be based on physical, but it takes a hell of a lot more than just looks to actually sustain a relationship. I can attest to that being 100% true. When I did use those superficial dating apps, such as Tinder, I had no issues getting matches, but I never got anything remotely sustainable out of any of those matches. Looks get you in the door, but personality, charisma, charm, etc. keep you in the room and take you to a deeper connection. At the very least, you seem to be intelligent and capable of an informed conversation. That's more than a lot of people can offer. Someone already brought this up I think, but it seems to me you label yourself confident but then call yourself ugly. That may indirectly affect the way you talk to women, even if you don't sense it. Women sense fear, desperation and low self-confidence like sharks sense blood.

This may rub people the wrong way, but it’s hard for me to sit here and read a guy calling himself ugly while putting the majority of the female population on a pedestal. I HATE online dating. From a pure attraction standpoint, about 99% of the women I’ve met up for a date with look nowhere near as attractive as the glamour photos they’ve chose to put on their profile. It’s damn near false advertisement. So this fallacy that an unattractive guy (I don’t like the term ugly) can’t find someone to date him is hard to swallow. There are plenty of unattractive women, or women who deem themselves “ugly” that somehow manage to find dudes to date. I’ve been out of the dating game for a few years, but it is a grind. It sucks at times, no doubt about it. But without organically developed relationships from mutual friends or hobbies, it’s kind of what we’re left with. Obviously it is an expectations thing, where most women won’t be direct enough to ask a guy out as they expect they guy to do it. So, as others have already asked, how many women have you directly asked on a date? This can be uncomfortable due to fear of rejection, but it’s the world we live in. I am an attractive guy and I assure you I’ve been rejected way more than not. Indirectly asking about how other women feel about you, or using an app to gauge interest based purely on photos isn’t nearly as powerful as just asking a woman out directly. All it’s really done is validate your own sense of ugliness.

You're young and inexperienced so your thought process is driven by emotions overriding logic. I understand you're hurting and for good reason. This was your first everything from a romantic perspective, and that is ALWAYS more challenging to recover from. I empathize with you and can remember being in your shoes several years ago. It is a brutal experience but also one I feel is necessary for most people to truly understand life. Unfortunately there is nothing healthy about trying to maintain a phony friendship built on false pretenses. The only reason you want to be his friend is to remain in his life in hopes he'll one day change his mind about loving you in a romantic sense. That is disingenuous and it's unfair to the both of you. How would you feel once he starts dating other women and bringing them around you, his "friend"? Recovery from breakups requires a complete break from all contact. Your brain is scrambling to do anything it can, take all actions necessary, to keep him in your life to maintain that sense of comfortability and safety. But you must give yourself time to grieve and grow and the only way to do so is through eliminating him, as much as possible, from your life. It is completely normal to have a sense of hope for reconciliation, but 99% of the time, if that is going to happen, it requires substantial growth (change) by one or both parties, without each other in their life. He cannot miss you if you're always around. If you have mutual friends, I'd suggest doing what you can to avoid hangouts that involve both of you. As you stated, you're both very young and have a lot to experience in life. It may not feel like it now, but in time you'll look back on this as a stepping stone to becoming closer to who you want to be as a person. Sometimes relationships do blossom out of friendships, but that typically doesn't happen if there's already been romantic relationship first then you both try and maintain what will most certainly be awkward, forced friendship. You'll never heal from this until you let him go completely. Yes, it's very difficult and you need a support system to adequately push through the process, but without healing you won't see clearly enough to grow from this experience.

I'm curious, was this always a LDR from the start, or did it evolve that way due to personal circumstances? How did you two meet? I hate to sound like a pessimist, but typically if you have to ask whether a breakup is the right decision, then you probably already know the answer. Honestly, working as much as you do combined with the overwhelming difficulty of maintaining LDRs is a lot to ask. It seems to me she's already started the process of bracing herself for a breakup anyway. I don't think "breaks" are altogether a bad thing, but it does raise a concern that there's simply not enough there currently to work through the issues as adults. There's nothing wrong with that either. When this becomes an issue is when both parties are too afraid or too complacent to admit the relationship has stalled out and simply isn't meant to continue. Right now it's a simple as neither her nor your needs are being met, and being real with each other involves having a conversation on whether it's even possible to meet those needs as your situation allows currently. My feeling is no.

Not sure you’re up for dating at this point, but if you insist, you should know dating is a grind. It’s almost always going to be a series of rejections, awkward hangouts, incredible connections and unfortunate timing. Rarely does it work out like the movies where you just wind up hitting it off on the first date and wonder where this person has been your entire life. It takes commitment and fortitude to stick with it knowing that each and every time it doesn’t work out, you at least learn and grow from the experience. I also wonder why it is you’re in such a hurry to rush into another relationship? Perhaps a cooling off period would be good for you as you’re fresh off an emotional roller coaster from your previous relationship.

I’m not seeing a lot of redeeming qualities to this relationship besides a bond you have with her daughter. Other than that, what exactly do you get out of this? As others have eluded to, this isn’t even a romantic relationship. It’s glorified friendship at best. Your needs clearly aren’t being met and you need to do what’s best for you. It’s not easy but part of being an adult is making these tough decisions. To be even more honest, it doesn’t sound like she’ll be devastated if you breakup with her anyway so this may be one of the easier breakups you could ask for, child aside. I mean, just lay out a chart of positives and negatives to this relationship. Seems like the negatives significantly outweigh the positive.

Hey all! I’m posting an update on my progress in hopes of giving others in my situation an idea of what this is like (for me at least). It’s been about 5 1/2 months since my fiancé broke up with me. There have been incredible highs and very sad lows. I can be doing really well an entire week, focusing on myself, then BAM, I drive by someplace that reminds me of her and I am hit with sudden and extreme sadness. Last Sunday and Monday I was overcome with emotion because of how much I missed her. That obviously passed, but it’s part of the process. No clue why it happened but it did. These changes are a reminder this process isn’t linear. I bought a puppy, took up a new hoppy (mountain biking), have been trying new things that I never would have done before, so I’m certainly ultra focused on my growth. But I would be lying if I said I’m over her. And that’s ok. When the time comes, I’ll look back on our relationship with happiness and gratefulness I had that experience as opposed to sadness that it’s over. I try to post here once in awhile to offer others advice as it is heartbreaking to see so many others go through this experience. I watched a video one time of a dating guru telling a heartbroken guy something that’s really stuck with me. I’m paraphrasing, but he basically told the guy that women would rather have the version of the guy who’s been through the ringer, who’s experienced the heartbreak and came out of it a stronger, wiser person. Give me that guy any day of the week.

I empathize with you, I know this isn’t easy. Am I correct in assuming this is your first serious romantic relationship? Were things going well until you stopped going to therapy, or were there other cracks in the foundation? You do a great job of acknowledging your own faults but I’m curious to know if he contributed to the downfall at all. In other words, was he doing anything that triggered your jealously and dependcy issues?. What was the reason you stopped going to therapy? So to be frank, I don’t see much weird about your situation. It’s fairly common that one or both parties have compatiblility issues due to differing attachment styles, mental health, etc. Obviously relationships thrive when a cooperative environment is established to deal with these issues and it’s rare they are dealt with successfully without serious work by both parties. Do people get back together? Of course. Will you? No one knows. I am thrilled to hear you are already being proactive in working on your self admitted mental health issues. The fact you have pride in your progress speaks volumes to your maturity and emotional stability at the moment, as most heartbroken folks have zero pride and are completely battered from a self confidence perspective. I would advise you to eliminate contact with him or the illusion you can handle friendship. It is disingenuous to carry on a friendship when you obviously want more, and he is most likely only offering this as an olive branch to soften the blow of the breakup. He doesn’t want to see you hurt, but he is done with the relationship as it is now. Again, could that change in the future, of course it could. But staying in contact and maintaining this psueduo friendship will only delay your own personal growth and healing, which takes precedent. True change takes a long time. This broken relationship is over, and for any reocnciliation to work, an entirely new relationship has to evolve based on sustained growth from both of you. Otherwise, rushing back into a relationship leads to resurfacing of the same problems and you find yourself back here posting another heartbreak story.

This is spot on. Believe it or not, 99% of significant others do not enjoy breaking up with someone and they certainly don’t enjoy causing people pain (assuming a normal, functioning non-toxic relationship existed). While they may be done with the relationship, that doesn’t mean they want to hurt you. The 1% or so that actually do obviously did the other person a favor. I’ve been through this enough to know that when broken up with, it’s best to walk away and focus on your own growth. What can you get out of the sadness, shock, etc.? Walk away, let the dust settle, and maintain as much dignity as you can. As MissCanuck states, if they want to reconcile with you, they know how to get ahold of you. It’s on them to make that move. It’s on you to restore your emotional self control and sense of self.

Sometimes we have to learn the hard way to learn anything at all. We’ve all been there and ignored advice in favor or our own emotions. Good news is you have all the closure you need. Bad news is that no matter how hard you slam your head against the brick wall, it’s still a brick wall. Not the news you wanted to hear, but honestly it’s the news you needed to hear.

A big part of me wants to share my story just to give others hope and perspective. Do I wish we would reconcile? Yes. Do I wish she'd come begging to have me back? Of course. But she chose to end the relationship and leave. We both had unmet needs and rather than working through our issues, she decided that, at this point in time, the differences are irreconcilable. At this point, there are zero indications she has any intention of changing her mind. We lose people we love and the first thing we rush to do is losing all self control in trying to get them back. I've been through heartbreak before. I know that I have to respect her decision, give her space, and allow the dust to settle. I have no control over her, so recognition and action over those things I do have control over is the most crucial element in healing. Whether or not we reconcile in the future is anyone's guess. I have one foot in hope of reconciling while the other foot is moving towards my own self growth. If she's happier without me in her life, then I'm at peace with that. We'll see how the future plays out. Ultimately, we're both good people who deserve happiness and I wish nothing but happiness for her and myself.

Thanks for your kind reply. I don't typically think of anniversaries, birthdays, etc. nor do I put in a countdown of special days. The wedding was a little different due to the time we spent together planning, marriage prep sessions, food tasting and all that other stuff. It's a major milestone that I hadn't experienced before so the emotions of all that just hit a little harder. But I'm trying not to dwell and doing my best to focus on what I have in my life as opposed to what I no longer have.

Very true. The key is putting one foot in front of another, intentionally at first, until it becomes habit and you start to remember how to function as a single person again. And that's where I'm getting to, finally. As stated, it's a journey with ups and downs. I started feeling sad last night even when the majority of the day I was completely normal with no negative feelings. I will say, it is extremely impressive how much self control she's exhibited throughout this process. I remember when I lost my first love and holy cow I was a mess. I did the desperate calling, texting and pleading. Granted, I didn't initiate the breakup in either of these scenarios so it's abundantly clear she had already begun processing the breakup long before we officially ended things (in this most recent breakup and the "big" first love breakup I had). Officially the start of what would have been my wedding week. Focusing on the positive as much as I can, and there is a lot of positive to be celebrated. I'm almost 40 now, so the lingering thoughts creep in of whether or not I'll ever get married. Yikes.