kctiger

I hate to break it to you, but that is an absolute BS excuse to break up with someone. You want to lose me to make sure you really want to commit to me? Give me a break. That is directly out of the breakup handbook of things people come up with, right below “It’s not you, it’s me.” Don’t ever accept someone telling you that. Don’t be a backup plan or wait in the wings while some guy tries to figure out if your’e the one for him. I’m a guy and I’ve never needed to breakup with a woman to figure out if I want to commit to her. Leave this dude in the past and move forward. I agree with the others, nothing’s changed to make this a functional relationship. I don’t understand why he felt the need to graciously tell you he had a fling with another woman that caused him come to the realization you’re the one he wanted all along. Like he had some grand epiphany. The guy is playing the field and will take whatever action he can get. You’re better than that.

As far as this statement, I can see your concern. If he has had sex with 30 people by the time he is 21, then I don't believe that he only had sex with people he "knew and cared about." That seems far fetched. There were likely several one night stands and "flings" within that count. But I am not comfortable talking with significant others about this topic so he may have tried to sugarcoat his prior intents so he didn't feel judged by you. That being said, you guys moved in after 10 months together, which seems fairly quick at any age, let alone at your young ages. Ultimately, it is your insecurity and feeling of inadequacy that needs to be addressed. There's nothing he can do about the past. How he treats you and his actions dictate the quality of his character. We have all done silly things in our past, some more than others. But you feeling like there is competition comes down to anxiety issues that have nothing to do with him. So do not project those onto him (blame him), but a discussion about your feelings wouldn't hurt either. Relax, communicate, and seek additional guidance through therapy or other means to get through your own feelings of anxiety. This may be a blossoming relationship and you do not want to lose it to something completely out of your control (and his). Who's to say if you break up with this guy, you will find another guy who meets your acceptable number? Not likely to happen. Bottom line, he chose you, he's with you, he moved in with you. There is no competition.

Seems like you dodged a bullet. She has some major insecurity issues she needs to work out and it’s not your job to fix anyone. That’s on her. Ain’t no sex good enough to keep someone like this in your life. There are plenty of other woman out there without this type of baggage that won’t make you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

Sorry you’re going through this, but you need to act more mature in this situation. She has insecurity issues, and you have some attachment and control issues. When a woman tells you she’s not happy anymore, there is nothing left to salvage. Go no contact and LEAVE HER ALONE! Immediately, like NOW. Do not, for any reason, show up to her university or exhibit any other stalkerish behavior as you are towing the line of getting police involved. She told you she is not sure what you will do and your behavior is unstable. Vent on this board, talk to friends, bury your head in your studies, but whatever you do, walk away from this.

This is extremely common, especially in younger couples. It happened to me, practically happened to every one of my friends. Relationships that start when you are still growing as a person oftentimes lead to growing apart as two people. You didn’t even know yourself at 19. The difference between who you are now and who you were when this relationship began is significant. Unfortunately, the 9 years together has become stale and you are both very different people. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase “we’ve become more like roommates than a couple” when two people move in together. Been there, done that. Of course you are scared of change and moving on from this person who you’ve grown accustomed to for 9 years. That is a very long time. But the other option is staying in a loveless relationship, get married, God forbid have children, and watch it crumble from the inside out. It takes courage to end a relationship like this, but it is also worth it in the long run. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but it is natural. It’s not your job to worry about letting everyone else down. Better to end it now than get married and things get much more complicated. From a happiness perspective, you owe it to yourself, you both owe it to each other, to call it quits and start a new life as two separate adults who tried really hard but things just weren’t meant to be. There will be ups and downs, grief and longing, but it’s a part of growth and, frankly, it’s inevitable.

It's difficult for him to do anything overly flirty since he's working. To top that off, he has to pay attention to the road, traffic, etc. since he's responsible for several people's lives. Does he like you? Hard to know if he's just being polite, but I'm not sure I've ever winked at a female I wasn't interested in (not sure I've ever winked at one period though). Are you able to see if he's wearing a wedding ring? Unfortunately, due to him being the driver, I don't think he'd make a move. So if you feel like taking a chance, give him your number and ask him to contact you when he's off work. If he never contacts you, or shrugs you off, who cares? At least you took the shot.

I’m curious on how small of a town you live in? Are there even many singles in your town within your age range? Sometimes geography can really impact the dating pool and the options available to meet single woman.

I feel really bad for you that your confidence is so low you feel you can’t rid yourself of this jerk. I also feel bad there are guys in their forties who still act like they are 10 years old and girls have cooties. How old are you? What is it you see in this guy that makes you stay with him? Get yourself out of this relationship and start dating men. Don’t date boys anymore.

She’s using you for your attention and you’re acting like a beta male orbiter. Stop talking to her. There was nothing in your initial post that leads me to believe she is interested in you in any other way except attention and validation. She works at a Taco truck, so of course she wants to be around guys with money and who will show her a good time. Don’t feed the troll. Move on. It doesn’t matter if there is history with Mark, Mike, Mitch, whatever…she’s talking to several dudes at the same time because she knows she can dictate the flow of their attention. Stop chasing her. She acts like she’s some high value woman who can treat you like dirt. You’re better than this.

FWB can be challenging enough outside of work. Doing this with a coworker is inviting a disaster to occur. Remove yourself from this situation ASAP. Keep it professorial and set boundaries between your work and personal life, it’s for the best. I would certainly never advise “pics” be exchanged with a coworker. That would be something I save for a long term partner (if pic sharing is your thing), not a FWB and certainly not someone at work. Those can resurface and ruin one or both of your careers.

You’re the same age as me. I can honestly tell you at our age, and from my learning experience, I don’t accept hot and cold behavior. It flat out won’t fly with me anymore. You’re either into me or not, and it’s easy enough to discern a woman’s interest level. Playing this game of push and pull, I don’t have time for that in my life. Neither do you. Move on. I’m sorry this has gone on as long as it did, but you don’t respond to this by continuing to allow it in your life. I believe you have some attachment issues that need to be worked on and letting this drag out any longer prolongs the work you need to do on yourself. Know what you want, believe you deserve it and do not accept anything less than that. Life is too damn short.

The important thing is you put yourself out there. That’s the risk you run. As Kwothe stated, her response is nothing but a sugarcoated, passive way of telling you she’s not interested. Absolutely no coffee or dinner dates as you aren’t looking to be friend zoned. Sorry this happened. It sucks, but be careful not to get overly attached to any one specific person that you don’t know very well. You have a lot going for you in your own life and that’s something to be proud of. Chin up and keep pushing.

Good Lord. Read your own initial post and you'll see why I think this may not have been a good match for you. She told you she wanted to have kids and perhaps felt pressure to have them. You've initiated all the conversation with her, not the other way around, which suggests she may not be interested in you. You thought she was too revealing when you first met. You don't want to get into a relationship where you feel like you're being used simply for procreation. So you got her number, and that made you feel good? What else about this woman made you feel like there was a meaningful relationship to be had other than you carried on a 4 hour conversation? Maybe I missed this, but she has your number and you don't have hers? Is that why you chat through FB? You said you're in the stages of relationship grief. What does that mean? You are depressed about not finding a relationship or you got out of one and are upset? You keep having these things happen where you're unsuccessful with woman? I'm trying to nail down what is going on here that has led you to think that you're in such a hopeless situation from a relationship perspective.

From the start, this doesn't sound like the person for you anyway, so consider it a bullet dodged. I'm older than you and I'm single AND I still get rejected by woman. It's life. I consider rejection a learning experience and fate telling me I wasn't meant to be with that person. There is never a guarantee that had you gone on a date with this woman it would have turned into a meaningful relationship. Frankly it could have ended up being a waste of time. Just relax and enjoy being single. When timing is right, it'll work itself out, but you can't force anything or get so upset that you feel like you're doomed. The last thing you want as a man is to have a scarcity mindset. Onward and upward my friend.

You gotta trust your gut instinct in these scenarios. You say you trust her 100% yet you are still not comfortable with this scenario. Before you move in together and make a significant commitment tying your future to hers, take action. Most people don't do well with ultimatums, so asking her to "cease contact with him or else" probably won't work. In that case you'll still be anxious she's contacting him behind your back. I don't think you do trust her 100%, but regardless, you probably need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about how her friendship with this guy is affecting you. See where that leads then make a level headed decision afterwards.

I think another poster mentioned something similar, but regarding online dating, it exacerbates the power women have in the dating world. The instant gratification society we live in, women can get bored and find a replacement easily by swiping right on some app. And average, or even unattractive women, can almost always find some guy that’s willing to date them. There is always a “grass is greener” mentality, although good luck with fulfilling that prophecy. The epic thread that spawned this particular sidebar discussion is a good example. That guy is 100% convinced he is too ugly to date. How many woman have you met that says that? Not many. They have their pick. Typically, no matter their attractiveness, they can find some guy to settle. I would venture to say any woman who hasn’t had a partner by the age of 30, it’s probably by choice or being too picky. Kwothe touched on it as well. I’m at the age where single mothers and divorces (or both) are a good chunk of my dating pool. If you rule both those out, you have a very limited selection. Both come with a lot of baggage. The good news is for guys our age, we don’t have much baggage. Some women get to a point of almost absolute discontent and pessimism with men due to the baggage they have. They then go on dates and profess a laundry list of BS rules they expect their next man to abide by, as if I’m some puppet who is there for your convenience. It has emboldened them to a point of despotism. Who do you think you are? I don’t need female companionship for validation, so I don’t feel rushed to settle for something that could destroy my personal life and ruin me financially (divorce). But some guys do, and they ultimately may pay a hefty price. It’s a brutal world. And good guys RARELY win.

I would disagree in most of what you said as it seems to generalize a lot and almost leans to the point that men seem to only date women based on looks and do not appreciate stimulating conversation or are intimidated by a woman who challenges their intellect. Definitely do not agree that men are much more visual than women. It would be very rare, almost unheard of in my experience, that an unattractive man could walk up to an attractive woman and get her attention. While looks don't tell the entire story, they get you noticed. To my point on number 1, I wouldn't walk up to a woman I didn't know unless I found her attractive. That's the first thing I notice. But if she's a complete ditz, regardless of beauty, I'm not going to date her. I actually value education and career extremely high. I certainly do not want to get into a situation where I end up marrying a woman who doesn't have a stable career or her own goals and aspirations. Aside from looks getting my attention, intelligence is by and large the biggest turn on for me. You mentioned women care more about the "whole thing", like earnings career, competence, assets. I don't want to be taking care of a woman nor do I want to feel like she's dating me purely for my assets. I have no issues with her being more successful than me. That in no way, shape or form defines my own feelings of manhood. I can sniff through that with ease. I am not a "simp" and would not get myself into that position. That has come from learned experience, unfortunately. I want a woman that compliments my life. I'm not interested in hypergamy. I do not like online dating at all, but you almost have to do it because it gives you options and you don't get the oneitis of focusing too much attention on one person. As I stated, I have never had a relationship blossom out of online dating. It's been a bunch of one time dates that went nowhere. I guess you have to keep trying, but it gets exhausting. I've dated several women at work, but that can be messy, complicated and at my position, it's not worth doing anymore as I don't want to risk losing my job. Online dating leads to woman talking to more than one guy at a time, and vice versa. So you have to do your best to stand out or you'll get lost in the shuffle, regardless of how good a catch you are in real life. That's the sucky part. I just don't care enough to try and prove myself. If you don't choose me, that's on you. Life goes on. But it's a grind.

This is interesting to me because I got out of a long term relationship back in January. We lived together and were engaged, due to be wed in May. I haven't gotten to the point where I am ready to jump back into the dating world. I know it's been 10 months now, but I just do not have the bandwidth to actively pursue dating. Now if something came up, then fine, but I'm not doing online dating right now. Some key points: I'm an attractive male, 40 years old, with a very good career No issues talking to women Highly independent I've rebuilt my life around traveling and doing things I'm passionate about I refuse to settle and that almost happened with my last relationship. Now it's become even more of a priority. If I don't find the "right" one, so be it. So prior to my 4 year relationship, I did online dating. I feel like in our current world, you almost have to do this to give yourself some options. In general, when I go out to bars with my friends, I'm not there to pick up women, so I don't use that as an opportunity to prospect. My thoughts regarding online dating, which may help explain why I'm not in a hurry to do it: It's a grind, and can get very expensive depending on your dates (where you two go) 90% of the women I've met look vastly different than the glamorous photos they've posted Yes, online dating is based on attraction, for the most part. If I see what I consider an attractive woman, but her beliefs or values don't 100% align with mine, I'm more inclined to at least get in touch. If I'm not attracted to the woman at all, I won't bother contacting regardless if they align perfectly with my beliefs, etc. But to be fair, all dating is based on physical attraction, at least at first. So while online dating exacerbates this, I don't think it's something new. I wouldn't walk up to someone in person whom I didn't find physically attractive. It can be very awkward, but that's dating in general. It's about as close to the modern century "blind date" gets Going back to options, with online dating, people are talking to several other prospects at once. So it becomes a game of attrition at a certain point. There are a significant amount of dating gurus online offering advice, which some may or may not follow. But this has turned dating into a giant game of trying to read the other person and decipher their true intentions or motives. I'll stop commenting for now. Curious where other people fall, especially guys. Online dating takes a lot of effort and, as stated, I just don't care enough to try right now, but I'll eventually have to get myself back on. Oddly enough, I've had a lot of dates from online dating, but never dated any person I met. The most dates I went on with a woman I met online was 2. There rest were 1 and done.

Just be patient. There may be a number of reasons he hasn’t hit you up for another date, so just enjoy yourself and let things play out naturally. If you don’t hear from him after a few days, maybe a week, then that could be a sign he wasn’t feeling you. But I’m a guy, and I typically wouldn’t ask a girl out on another date the day after our first date.

Absolutely not. If she doesn't respond, you'll be crushed. If she does respond, you'll be left reading tea leaves, all because you want something more. Trust me, learn from the mistakes of other people. Do NOT reach out.

You guys discussed all this on your first date? Kinks, sexual tendencies, etc. on the first date. Wow. I'm no fortune teller but when I shake my magic 8-ball, sex seems to be in your future. Way to be a gentlemen and hold back on the pervy stuff. Save that for after the 2nd date, you don't want to rush into anything too fast.

I think seeking professional help for your situation is the best option. There is no shame in doing so and, frankly, not enough people do it because of varying factors. Whether there's a stigma associated with getting counseling, or it's purely logistics or economical reasons, I'm not sure. But having someone with knowledge of mental health, objectivity, and better equipped to offer you advice can do wonders. Sorry you are so down in the dumps. It's understandable and we've all been there.

You have every right to be hurt, confused, even feeling betrayed. Just to specify, are you saying this guy created a fictitious social media account with the sole intent of stalking your daughter’s photos because he was attracted to them? If the answer to that question is “Yes”, then you absolutely made the right decision and you should never talk to him again. Block, delete, remove, whatever you have to do. This is nowhere near the type of man you want in your life nor is it someone that is deserving of your affection. Solid relationships aren’t built on any of the qualities he’s exhibited, no matter how good to you he’s been. He’s gone behind your back and crossed boundaries there’s no coming back from. Better stated, if you were me and you read the same story you posted, what would you tell that woman? For all you know he wants to keep you around to get closer to your daughters.

Yikes this sounds a bit like what happened when my ex and I moved in together. I became over complacent and stopped putting effort into the relationship. I think we both took each other for granted and it felt more like we were roommates than soul mates. When two people who are used to being alone move in together, it's easy for each of them to carry forward in their solitary ways, letting the relationship itself crumble. I'm very sorry you feel this way, but here's my advice. I know you've talked to him before as there are numerous arguments. My suggestion is to have a firm conversation with him, prior to his video game session. This is the "come to Jesus" meeting. Tell him what you need in this relationship. Regardless of money, the relationship needs effort and commitment by both parties to flourish. If he can't meet your needs then you'll want to figure out a way out of this lease as you're seeing his true self right now. If he isn't willing to put the video games down a bit and dedicate time to you, then this isn't going to work. Both parties HAVE to commit themselves to a relationship. It is not something that flourishes naturally after the honeymoon phase. This means both parties make some sacrifices, lowering their own priorities a bit, for the sake of the relationship. Not everyone understands that and you're experiencing the results. If this guy can continue on with his life while you are there waiting for him, then nothing will change. You deserve better and he deserves a wake up call of a conversation. Over time, as this continues, resentment builds and the parties wind up making each other miserable until they can't stand to be together. I suggest you confront this before it gets to that point.

Yeah man it sucks liking someone at work, trust me. Going through some of that myself right now. But I've been on the opposite side, where we did hookup then things took a massive turn south and I almost lost my job. In general I try not to get involved with woman at work, but I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that my 2 longest relationships, and best, were from work females I met at work. It's just a very risky venture that can have disastrous results. So you have to weigh the risk and reward. You'll see a lot of folks on here who have to work with their ex. Now that would be brutal, having to see the person who broke your heart day in and day out and try to act like you're a functioning human being. No thanks.