Evelyn99

I don't know, but it sounds to me like you're looking for someone to take her place. No one's going to take her place. But someone sometime might make another place that's just as good, just in a different way. I think you need to stop looking for someone to make the hurt go away and see if you can't just start enjoying other people for what they can offer that's unique to them. That's when maybe you'll be open to loving again.

I'd be a bit wary. You sound like a girl that can take care of yourself pretty well, but there's two things about this that worry me. First is, why isn't he going out with girls his age? This isn't always true, but sometimes guys that just aren't very mature or are socially awkward wind up going out with girls a lot younger. I've seen couples like this get together and even get married and then she quickly outpaces him as they get older. The girl becomes /more/ mature and the guy is less, and then she's dissatisfied. But maybe at this point, as long as you're not serious about things, that's fine. The other thing that worries me is that you might wind up in a more serious relationship than you're ready to be. I think most people approach dating much differently at 17 and at 26. Is he looking for 'the one' at this point? I'd be concerned if that's the case. At 17, you've got a lot of living ahead of you, and if you get involved in a relationship that gets deep fast, it might feel good now, but later down the road, I'm betting you'll wonder what you missed. I guess my advice on both these points is the same - take it slow and take it as a relationship that's working /now/ - don't focus a lot on a future.

He was in the military for a long time and recently got out. I'd followed him all over the world in assignments - moving every year to 18 months. So someone asked what I sacrificed for him, and I'd have to say it's been a lot. I've still managed be somewhat successful writing and with my artwork. (I just had my first piece hung in a permanent public exhibit.) I've got good friends, but most of them are connected with the college I just finished an artist in residency in, and they're pretty far away - like maybe an hours drive or so - and they're busy with families that spend time with them. My kids are old enough that I don't have to worry about babysitters and such, and they're developing their own lives. Last night, I told him some of the things I've tried to write here - about how I want to spend time with him and I don't want to be alone all the time. He said nothing. Then I asked him if he was still going biking today and he answered, "Of course." When I left this morning, I wrote a note that I was going out and I wished he were there to go with me, but that he'd made the choice to go out biking again. He was gone when I returned, but he did leave a cup of coffee on the counter with my name on it. I think I'm going to have to just continue going out and doing my own thing. I've been offered a chance to teach a week long seminar out of town in a few months. I think I'm going to take it. I should probably look for more things like that.

Well, it's the next morning and he's out golfing and will come home in about 45 min to change and go biking for the rest of the day. Just like yesterday. (He was gone from 6am to 7pm yesterday with an hour inbetween to change. In the morning, he let the dog out, forgot that he had, left, and now she's lost, too.) I've decided to go out. I'm not sitting around here today like I did yesterday. When he comes home from golfing, I'll be gone. I'm leaving a note telling him I don't want to sit around alone for another day. I think I'll go see a movie. Maybe shop a little. I've got work I could be doing here, but that's going to wait until tomorrow.

So what I'm reading here is that I should demand that he spend time with me? So then I have an annoyed, frustrated person that feels resentful that I /made/ him give up something he wanted to do. Don't get me wrong - I can be forceful. But I hesitate in this situation. It seems to be no good to insist that someone spend time with you. I think it's right that he's just someone that always wants to be /doing/ something. I like to do things, too, but he just plans his own things with his own interests. Since I take commissions and work mostly from home, I don't have the interactions that he does at work and all. He thinks it's my problem because I often do spend the entire day at home alone working and I look forward to some interaction with him. This might sound naive, but I really /don't/ think it's an affair. I know the people he bikes with. I take the phone calls from his biking buds and his racquetball and golf friends setting things up. Any one of these things he does is fine. It's just the cumulative effect of being gone all the time, and I don't think he realizes. Since I posted last, I thought of keeping a log for a week of exactly when he comes home, when he leaves, times that we actually spend together. That might help us both - hopefully it will become apparent if either of us are being unreasonable in our requests.

We did go to counselling together for a few months last year. I told him at that point that I would leave if he didn't go, and so he did. I'm not really sure how much it helped - it did some, with some other issues with the kids. Maybe what DMB (did I get that right?) said is just how it is. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe I shouldn't count on closeness and companionship after this long and figure that it's just what happens. He says he loves me. He's not cheating. He's not violent or nasty and he takes good care of us financially. Maybe after this long, it's all you can expect. As he said, after this long, the honeymoon's over.

Evie a lot of the things you said have the ring of truth to them. I am the one that does /everything/ around the house. I am the one that takes care of all the day to day things. He is terribly selfish in the relationship and I don't feel like I get anything emotional back. I keep thinking there's probably a third option though - and that's just to give up on the idea of love in my life and make a life of my own with my work and my friends as he has, remaining in the marriage. Frankly, finances are a concern if I leave, although a counselor I spoke with told me that with proper preparations, I could set myself up so that I could manage. Thing is, I don't know if I even would /want/ to be in another relationship. I mean, I could stay here, go out and do my own things, be as inaccessible as he is, but not 'upset the apple cart' with the kids, with the finances - just realize that that part of my life (love with a man) is pretty much over and go from there. It's not like anything's guarenteed out there even if I left. I know lots of people live like that. I also know that I'd /like/ to give him more, but he doesn't seem to want it. I know that I shouldn't leave with the thought that I'm leaving to open myself for another relationship - that's just dumb. I've got a lot to give, but who knows if anyone even wants it? I mean, seriously wants it - the men that have shown interest in me know I'm married and are probably just wanting 'something' on the side - something I'm not interested in supplying. I'm probably making you mad with this post, Evie.

I don't think he's avoiding me deliberately - it's just that he isn't really interested in what I do or like. I'm an artist - last time he went to a show with me, he spent the entire time on his cell or playing games on his cell. It was pretty clear that was a bust. As for me trying to get involved with his interests - he's a long distance biker. There's no way I can go out with his friends and bike 100 miles, especially at the speeds they go. I'm in pretty good shape, but nothing like that. I'm also not to his skill at raquectball or golf. I'd just hold him back and frustrate him. The other things he goes to are professional meetings and such. I've even tried that - but not only are they deadly boring, but he's so busy 'networking' that he doesn't talk to me anyway. I've suggested taking courses together at the community college, and he seemed receptive but when I sat down with him with the catalog he rejected all the possibilities because he was already busy on the nights the classes he'd take were offered. He says he loves me, and he does things like call between work and meetings to say hello, or on his way home from biking or something. But that's a 2 or 3 minute phone call on his cell while he's driving from one place to the next - and often that's all I talk to him all day. I really don't think he's /trying/ to avoid me. I just think I'm a very, very low priority.

We've been married for quite a while - over 15 years. He always had a demanding job and when he couldn't be home I thought it was because of the job - but now that he's changed jobs and doesn't have to put in the hours, he's found other things to do instead. He's spending time playing racquetball, biking, being in his college alumni organization, stuff like that. He doesn't have to do it for his work at all.

I don't know when I should just give up. I think my husband loves me as much as he's capable of loving someone, but it's just not very much. He's much more concerned with his own interests. He's out every night of the week for meetings of professional organizations, exercising, or clubs. Honestly, the only night he's not got something regular scheduled is Friday. Then every Saturday and Sunday he golfs in the morning and bikes in the afternoon. I never see him. I've been reduced to sending him emails when I need to tell him something. I've tried to talk to him about this, but he feels like I'm trying to 'control' him when I tell him I need more companionship in my life. I'm terribly lonely. When we actually /do/ spend time together and he's talking to me and not his cell phone I realize that I really love this man, but it's so rare that he has time for me. When I've asked for time with him, he offers for me to ride in the car with him for 45 min each way to where he bikes on the weekends with his friends, then sit around in a coffee shop for 4 hours while he bikes, then ride 45 min back - the only time he's willing to give me is the time in the car. I'm very hurt and I'm wondering if I should really spend the rest of my life neglected like this. Certainly there are men that would want to be with me. I'm attractive and I think interesting and there /are/ men that have expressed interest in me - but I just want my /husband/ to want me. But he seems to think I'm imposing on him. I also feel like if he doesn't /want/ to spend the time with me, I can't force that. It's pretty pathetic to be begging. I've told him how I feel and he still goes out every night and every weekend. Should I just give up? Maybe our needs for the other person in a relationship are so different that it's hopeless.