Starlight925

She's using you for a ride, gas, and so she can relax in your car.

You should be the one acting cold towards her.

No, this is not a real friendship.  It's an acquaintance built on a shared enjoyment of an activity.  Don't build resentment on this, just enjoy the activity together, and go to concerts alone or with someone else. 

Sorry she has treated you as her own personal Uber.

People have all sorts of fetishes, and there is no "wrong" fetish.

The only "wrong" is when two people don't share that fetish, causing one person to look outside the relationship, which is where we are.

He's a "closeted" feaderism guy, quite frankly, probably not a lot different than closeted of any sexual preference.  At some point in his life, he will need to come out of the closet, and it will destroy you as a couple.  See:  Kris Kardashian.  Caitlyn Jenner was trying on her sister's clothes, hiding in her sister's closet, when she was a 7 year-old boy.   Your husband will find someone with whom to engage his fetish, if he hasn't already.

And quite frankly, I say, let him go with love.  Let him find what will make him happy, which will release you from his desires and allow you to find the love that wants you as you are.

First of all, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  Toxic family members are the worst.

Secondly, I agree with @tattoobunnie that you are dealing with a personality disorder.  Narcissism with a touch of Borderline thrown in just for the fun of it.  Eggshells, never feeling like you're good enough, being compared to "perfect" older brother and all that.

It would help you to read up on this stuff.  There is a ton of great info, as this Cluster of disorders is more and more widely written about, and very specifically, about adult children of narcissistic parents.

I'm not sure if we are allowed to post links here, but I'm happy to DM with your privately to let you know what I went through in finally releasing all of this from my own life, which involved intense, specialized therapy for which I traveled to another state.

There are often different childhood roles "assigned" by a narcissistic parent:  Golden Child, Scapegoat, and Forgotten One.  You can guess which one each of you is.

Your mother doesn't hate your wife.  She hates that you are focused to another woman who has a greater emotional hold on you than she does.  She bore you a child, so that is yet another huge emotional string that your mother can't control.  So she not only doesn't want to get to know them, she "hates" them.

You are doing great.  You have built a terrific life and you should be proud.  If your parents have never told you, I hope you know how wonderful you are.

I was one of the first "kids on the block" to get Covid, in 2020.  Yes, I lost my sense of smell, and that was actually my only symptom.  It came back within a week.  My niece had Covid at the same time, in another state, so we quarantined in our own states and FaceTime'd together.  She had smell but no taste; I had taste but no smell.

In both cases, both senses came back the same as they were.

Be patient, and feel better soon!

If you tell her you don't want to be her friend (in whatever verbiage you choose), she'll use that against you.  If it's in a text, you can bet she'll show it to everyone she can.

This isn't a BFF movie, where she cries, apologizes, hugs you, and promises to be there with you until she is your Golden Girls roommate later in life.  This is an emotionally needy person who has used you, and you've let her.  Time to let her go.

If you keep telling her you're busy, yeah she'll get the hint eventually, but you run the risk of her asking you what's going on and you return by crying out all your feelings.

Best bet:  the slow fade.  People hate that, which is why it's such a great idea here.  Take several hours to respond to her texts.  Leave them unread for hours.  Then, respond with very short, 1-2 word responses: 

Her (Thursday) :  Do you want to go see that movie on Saturday?

You: (early Friday morning):  Sorry, can't, busy.

Her (early Friday morning):  Oh ok, I was so hoping to see it with you!  How about Sunday brunch?

You:  (early Saturday morning):  Sorry, booked!

Her:  Are you mad at me?  Is everything ok?

You (a day later):  All great here!

Eventually, she'll fade away, without any explanation from you, but this will madden her, which is what we want.  

Yes, it's game-playing, and yes, I'm a fan.  She has treated you like an option all these years.  It's time for you to become Option #1 for yourself.

And find some new friends.  Take a yoga class.  Join a Meetup group.  Volunteer.

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's doubtful he'll treat this person any better. Be grateful you dodged a bullet and he's her headache now. This frees you for someone who will treat you well consistently. 

^^^ This.  

Scenario 1.  He lined this up long before the breakup.  He made little things into big things, blamed you for little nothings and blew them out of proportion to justify his behavior either in physical cheating, or in emotional attachment to this woman.  The blamer doing what they're blaming for.

I've been there, and yes, as it turns out, it was someone else brewing in the background.  Almost always is.

In your case, I fully believe he's had this lined up for a long time.  It's probably been there, in the back of his mind, since early on in your relationship.  But because you are not perfect (no one is), he used those little imperfections to blow up at you into full-blown diatribes, to justify what he wanted, which was Ms. Perfect long-term friend.  Of course, he'll find that she's not perfect either, so he'll find his next Ms. Perfect.  Or, as in my situation, he'll marry her, and she'll spend the rest of her life walking on the same eggshells you did.

I would say to cut him off completely and not view his social media, even though I know that's almost impossible.  I truly get how hard this is for you.

I'm sure the condoms were from his cousin's best friend's brother-in-law's stepdad.

And I'm sure he drank apple juice with his female friend while they watched Gilmore Girls.

So cheap £6 flowers will make all this anxiety go away?

Is it really worth it to you, to push him away, for £6 a month?

And you missed the point of my post:

Stop berating him.  He will leave.  

No, it will not get better until you do this.

To answer the question in your topic, no, this will not get better.  Unless you want it to.

As others have said, you are being unreasonable with the expectations of monthly declarations of love and flowers.

Flowers?  It's like $100 bucks a pop, $1200 bucks a year.  I just did a quick calculation (yes, I'm a financial nerd).  If you save the $1200 bucks each year, at just 5% interest compounded, you'd have $40,000 in 20 years.  Just by skipping monthly flowers.

OK back to our question:  All of this is irrelevant.

Why? 

Because he'll leave you long before the 20 years is up.

Let me paint a picture for you:

Happy men make great partners.  Men want to make their women happy.  Women who b*tch and complain about "atrocities" such as missing stupid monthly anniversary texts (yes, I'm a woman, and yes it's stupid) and get berated for not giving flowers.....leave.

They leave and find partners who are happy they took out the trash.  Appreciate that they put the dishes away.  Thank them for taking them on a nice evening stroll and picnic dinner.

I'm triple your age (yes, 60's) and let me paint a bleak picture for you, courtesy of my friend C., with whom I just had dinner.  I met C. in our 20's.  She was beautiful, blond, slim, tennis player, professionally employed.  C. met R.  Fell in love, married, 2 kids.  Guess where C. is now?  Living alone, and I'm sorry to say, but fat, wrinkled, miserable.  R. is now with a woman who appreciates him because C. b*tched at him for years.  Over stupid things like flowers.

Don't be like my friend C.

You said you have kids.  Are they with your husband?  Sorry, unclear about that.

I can see why his ties to his ex make you uncomfortable.  As you've said, it's not just about their shared child, but it seems to go much deeper.  I've been in this situation before, where the ex had regrets for leaving, and spent our entire relationship pulling at him.  Not good.  And no matter what you say, you come out sounding bad.  So I get this discomfort.

I also get how you maybe fell for his ambition, his desire to be financially successful, and all the fun those trappings are.  It's fun to go on great trips, buy nice things for the home, eat great dinners out, charge the card without thinking.  

But if that comes with an emotional emptiness, that can be not only uncomfortable, but it leaves us with a desire to do a 180, to find extreme emotional connection elsewhere, which is what leads us to your firefighter.

FF guy is not who you are in love with.  You are in love with the perceived emotional connection you have.  You have a desire to have a partner who says more than "yeah, got it, let me watch my 100" TV now".  FF guy provided extreme fast closeness, both emotionally and physically.

Have you met with a therapist?  I strongly urge it, just so you can have someone to talk to, as I also get that there is no one you can talk to in your real world.  It's not like you can put it out on social media:  "Hey, I'm infatuated with someone other than my husband.  Ideas?  Go!"

Find a therapist who won't judge you, who doesn't know anyone in your world, who can not only empathize but help direct you towards your next path.

If I were to guess, your next path will be divorce, move on, and ultimately, start going to Meetups, sign up for dating apps, and find your passion with someone new.  If I were to take another guess, it won't be with FF guy.  He's a bridge to what you really want, which is a life where you have a true best friend, a true partner, and not just one who shows off with his next shiny toy.

We have all made a terrible mistake like this.  The important thing is that you recognize it, you are taking responsibility for it, and you get that it was your fault.

Your family will come to understand this, once time has passed.

You sound like a good person, so I'm sure you can put yourself in their shoes, in their panic of possibly missing their flight, figuring out if they have enough gas in the car to get to the airport, where to park, all while juggling luggage and carryons etc.

There is really nothing more you can do at this point other than offer your sincerest apology and let them realize that you had no ill intent.

I'm sorry this happened to you.  I once made 20 people wait for me in Monaco to board a pre-planned boat day because my earplugs prevented me from hearing my alarm.  I felt so sheepish all day, as I am that "always early" person.  Eventually, all was forgotten and forgiven.

Why "use" anyone to "practice" detachment with?  

That's just not nice, nor is it honest.

I see you've already made a decision, so it's a fait accompli.

He has clearly shown a passive, laissez-faire attitude towards this whole thing, so perhaps he's going to "practice detachment" with you too.

Match made in heaven.

I'm going to echo every other person's thoughts here.

You are being used as his life raft between marriage and the next phase of his life.

"My wife doesn't X, doesn't Y, doesn't Z".     What would she say he doesn't X, Y, or Z?

"My wife will take 1/2 my money".    She's entitled to it.  Deal with it.

"You're so A, B, and C.  I've never had this before".  And he will again, as soon as you help him get through this phase of his life.

He. Is. Not. Available. For. You. To. Date.

I'm sorry.  I know you want to hear the fairy tales.  Go see a movie for that.

38 minutes ago, Mia8xxx said:

 even though no-one has commented about the actions and motivations of the guy. 

No one is commenting about the guy because the guy isn't here posting.  You are.

You could write ten more paragraphs, and blah blah blah, I still think you're an underhanded, insecure girl who needs her ego fed.  

If you want my interpretation of his motivations, he's insecure and needs his ego fed.  So you are perfect for each other.

Sorry, not sorry.

Phone calls and video calls can be faked.   They can get a guy who looks and sounds like the guy you're talking to, to show up on a video call.  

How to tell?  Offer to meet.  Stop the texting madness.

If he's perpetually unavailable, oh-so-busy, out of town all the time, then who wants him anyway, real or not?

I did a solo trip to London a few years back, as like you, I had no one to go with, and I wanted to travel.

Yes, much different than being in a country where you don't speak the language.

On a business trip to Hong Kong, China, and Taiwan, I spent a day alone in each, and wandered into areas that didn't look postcard-pretty, where there was no English at all.  A bit disconcerting, but I got through it.

Do as much research as you can, and stay in as safe a place as you can.  You know all the stuff:   don't wander alone at night, don't accept rides, etc. etc. etc.

What was missing for me was the shared experience of travel.  The other person to view the city with you.

I'm going abroad soon with a group of women I don't know, organized by the group.  I'm excited because it will be a shared experience.  So you could look into something like that.  

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is because you dont have empathy to understand the other side.

I agree with all the feedback you've received.

I think this statement about lacking empathy is the crux of the entire matter.

You said that you are autistic.  Have you been properly diagnosed?  Have you been taught how to read facial and non-verbal cues?

Have you sought therapy for your abuse and subsequent PTSD?  Which, by the way, I am so so sorry for what you have gone through.

You sound like a very intelligent person, so I don't mean this to condescend or patronize:

    em·pa·thy

     /ˈempəTHē/

    noun

    the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Please pretend you are her, and look at this from her point of view, and you will understand her frustration, anger, and desire to completely cut ties with you, given all that you've put her through.

I wish you the very best.

Sure, people can change.  After years of therapy, or after someone does to them what they did to you, and they are so hurt they finally change.  But likely?  No sir.

Do I think this guy is a "better fit" for her?  Sweetie, he's only Mr. Right Now.

All of her "reasons" are exactly what you said in your first post:  GASLIGHTING.

Look at it this way:

Someone cheats on an exam.  Gets caught.  Professor threatens to expel.  Cheater has all these "reasons":  The material was too hard.  I was stressed by a personal situation.  The class is too far across campus for me to make it in time.  You put stuff on the exam that we didn't cover in class!    BLAH BLAH BLAH....everyone is to blame except the cheater.

This stuff happens in friendship groups all the time.  Yes, you are guilty, and yes, you have learned your lesson that friend M is not to be trusted with information.

You've also apparently learned your lesson that speaking poorly of others leads right back to us.  I am not going to beat you up about that, as I am guilty of it as well.

Even though I do believe that you were asking M for advice about F,  I'd ask you to reflect:  Were you really only asking for advice, or were you also complaining about F?  Look, I get it.  I have so many similar stories, and often we want to vent, and we want someone who we can trust with that venting.  M isn't that person.

All you can do now is sit down with M and let her know that she was, in fact, the only one you spoke to about F, and that you are hurt because you thought things were understood to be confidential.  Then, just let her speak.

As for F, you'll have to apologize to her, and let things play out there as well.

FWIW, I'm in a super similar situation with 2 friends right now.  While the one person who was spoken of is still hurt by the 3rd friend, she has told me privately that she has no plans to end that friendship.

17 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Has he ever asked you if you're willing to move out West, since that was the dealbreaker to his last relationship?

And IS he in fact moving out west?  

But why would you stay with a man who was "ho hum" when you told him you loved him, and has told you outright that he doesn't love you?

I'm close to your age and single, so I'm not finger-wagging.  I see this happen so often in women our age:  acceptance of "meh" in the men they see, where there is literally no future.  

It just gives me pause, and that's why I'm asking you:  He's been honest.  He does not love you.  There is no future.  Yet you stay.  Why? 

It's possible for it to have been dormant for a long time, but for it to just now have broken out.

However, given his insistence that you gave him something, the accusation, leads me to believe that he's blaming you for something he's done.

Age old trick:  The Guilty Blame the innocent for what The Guilty have done.